DS not happy - I have to end the relationship don’t I

[GeoRicks]

I’ll start with a little background, DS is 17, Y12. 6 years ago my husband passed away, it was sudden and DS and I were understandably devastated. It has been a long process of healing and really we will never fully heal, he was an incredible loving man and our life will always be worse off for not having him.
About a year after he passed we sent to a group for children who had lost a parent, all the kids were around 9-14 and well DS hated it!! We persisted with going for about a year and I met a dad who had a daughter who was little older than DS. Neither of them were really responding to the group, but for opposite reasons. DS was very much the world is awful and baking cakes with other kids like me won’t make that better. This man’s DD was very much the opposite, in she just said she was fine and didn’t feel the need to go.
We both stopped attending but kept in close touch, occasionally meeting for coffee as it was so lovely having someone who understood. I don’t drive so he had taken DS and I down to Manchester to go shopping a few times, he and DS went off together and I went with his daughter etc.
About June last year the nature of our relationship changed and we began dating. I approached it tactfully with DS and he seemed ok with it. We don’t live super close so initially we would just spend Sundays together. We both work 4 days so after a few months it progressed to all day Sunday and most of Monday together. We alternate who’s house we stay at. Over Christmas we spent a little more time together and took the kids out for a meal and bowling, did similar in October half term. In the holidays we always stayed at mine, DS and his DD are a little over a month apart in age but she is Y13 and DS Y12. She is more independent and doesn’t seem to mind her dad being gone for a few days. DS would have struggled.

Skip a head to yesterday, we were staying at my house this weekend and yesterday afternoon DS expressed he wasn’t well and asked if my partner could leave. Total non-issue he left no fuss. DS has seemed out of sorts but not really ill as such. Today he decided to stay off school too.
This morning he told me he doesn’t like my “boyfriend” staying the night. He told me the reasons are that he still views this as his family home as in his dad, him and I. He said it made him uncomfortable. I asked if he would prefer I went to his every Sunday night and he said not really, he doesn’t like being home alone much. He told me he doesn’t like that things have changed. He hasn’t outright said he wants me to end the relationship but it’s clear he doesn’t want me to be with this man around him and he’s my son so that makes it very difficult!!
I’m now thinking I need to end the relationship which is actually really upsetting; I do love him (although this is a relatively new feeling and of course I love my son more). I’ve found opening myself up to someone new really difficult and we have so much in common and he is a genuinely good lovely man. I tried so hard to approach this gently with DS, didn’t force him to do anything, didn’t rush in etc.
Partially thinking I need to wait until DS has moved out, he doesn’t plan to go to uni, but wants an apprenticeship which is local, so he would be at home for a bit longer then and I worry that if I got into a relationship just as he moved out he’d feel pushed away.
I’m feeling a little conflicted as while DS is my priority, I’ve really enjoyed this relationship and worry If not now - when?
I know realistically I just have to end things, DS comes first, but AIBU to be wondering if there is a way around this, that allows me to prioritise DS and have a life of my own?

I suspect your DS would be like this re any relationship you have. It is hard to share your Mum, even more so when the other parent has died.
It sounds like your friend is sensitive and thoughtful regarding the position of your DS, more so than many men maybe, and, should you split up and in the future find someone else, your DS may wish he hadn't intervened between you and this friend.
You and this man sound perfect for each other and deserve happiness.

Yes that’s my concern too, if I wait until he moves out it could be years and years!!

He has a very specific apprenticeship in mind with a large local employer, it’s a great opportunity and lots of kids from his school go on to do it and do remarkably well afterwards so I believe he can do it … but we also live about as close to it as possible so I doubt he will hurry to move!

I would carry on talking to your ds, acknowledge his feelings and ask him what would work for him, give him a chance to explore his feelings.

If you just jump to ending the relationship he may well feel guilty as that wasn't what he wanted.

If he were 7 and expressing these views it would be different, his whole childhood ahead of him that would need your focus, and maybe putting the relationship on the back burner would be the best idea. But, he's 17, almost an adult, and you should not be giving up your relationship for an almost adult son, who will likely have moved on and be starting his own life in the next 5 years... Where does that leave you? Alone, lonely, and given up on what sounds like a very positive, loving relationship, with someone who you obviously are very fond of, and makes you feel happy. Don't underestimate how hard that is to come by, and may be to find again in the future. I would be telling your son that you appreciate where he's coming from, and can accommodate his needs by having Bf over less, but that will mean you spending more time away, and he can choose which one he's.more comfortable with. He cannot dictate your life like this. What you've both gone through is truly awful, and I'm not minimising his feelings but you can't both wallow in grief forevermore and not move on. Your DH sounds like he was a lovely guy, and wouldn't have wanted that. He would have wanted you to be happy and supported, not lonely and sad.

DS told my brother (a fair bit younger than me) that he had a crush on the DD, and thought it was “well weird” but I don’t see why that would make him like him less. I’ve never mentioned this to him though as it’s between him and my brother.this could be the issue

This could be the issue he has maybe conflicting emotions around the DD and cant put it all straight in his head

Try chatting to him again and see if he will open up more

Oh maybe, but I’m not sure how I’d figure that out for certain or how that would impact my relationship, especially as he definitely won’t just tell me!

So if he isn't moving out for years then it is time to start gently resetting your relationship.
He is going to want more freedoms and you don't need to be as intensely physically present as a parent.
I agree with offering him a couple of options, does he prefer your boyfriend coming over or you leaving to spend a night over at his place?
Be clear that you aren't looking for a replacement dad for him but you are going to be having an adult relationship for you.
I wouldn't be thinking of more than once a week while he adjusts to this but I wouldn't stop your relationship either.

I also don’t think you should end the relationship. It’s been 6 years and whilst very sad, your son will soon have a life of his own and free to move out and meet new people. You deserve that happiness too. He needs to appreciate he can’t dictate your life, he is being selfish (understandably).

My apologies, OP, that I haven't read the whole thread and therefore may repeat other posters. I'm sorry to hear of the loss you and your son went through.

It sounds like your son is finding it difficult to really adjust to his Dad's death. One to one or family therapy may help with this.

That said, you being with your new partner is showing up ways in which your son is feeling stuck and trying to preserve the status quo he knew. The reality is that he can't do that, because even if you give in to his wishes on this, the relationship between the two of you is very likely to deteriorate, despite your best intentions.

Put it this way: it poses something of a grief milestone and a challenge for him. I find myself wondering if - as other posters say - he is so likely to leave home for uni/independence/work. If home with just you is a place where Dad is still 'alive" for him, he may stay (and for reasons that ostensibly are nothing to do with his Dad's death!)

It's so clear in what you say that you want to support him and help him on his way. It's possible I'm reading far too much into one single event in a long adaptation process. I think it's the fact that feeling unwell was the gateway to asking your partner to leave that got me wondering.

I hope this is helpful and very best of luck to you, however you move forwards.

If he's 17, honestly he needs to decide which option he dislikes least - you going away once every couple of weeks or the chap coming to you.

I wouldn't push the relationship further for now though - in terms of longer visits etc.

Does he have a friend who he could invite to stay on a Sunday night if he doesn't like being in the house on his own? Is there anything you/he could do to work up to it? I didn't like being in the house on my own when I first moved into my own place but I got used to it pretty fast.

I went with YANBU as in don't end the relationship but not sure if that was the right way to vote!

I’m afraid that I think your son is being very controlling. For sure there are reasons and context but I still don’t think you should stop your relationship just because of this. It would probably be a really good lesson for your son in the art of compromise if you can work things out, whereas if you bow to his demands then I suspect the controlling behaviour might become worse, to you and also to future romantic partners he has.

therapy might be part of the answer, finding a way for him to work through his feelings. And his feelings are valid, but so are yours. So the line you need to be taking is along the lines of validating his feelings of loss. This man is no replacement for his father (nor does he want to be), but you cannot be expected to live the rest of your life in chaste mourning.

No offence intended, but I don't understand why you are letting your almost adult son dictate your relationship.

At 17, he should be thrilled at possibly having a night a week to himself in the house - maybe have a friend round etc?

I was spending full weeks on my own at home while rest of household went on holiday from 16 years old! Never mind 1x night a week.

DS will be moving on soon. Whether it be uni, renting etc. Even if he doesn't, are you really going to let him indefinitely call the shots in your relationships until he's ready to move out? I know some 30 year olds still live at home.

As long as DP isnt being disrespectful etc to DS, there is absolutely no issue with him staying any night he wants.

It seems like the roles are reversed in this relationship - does he tell you what to do?

Its been 6 years. You are entitled to move forward with your life.

I wouldn't sacrifice your long term happiness for his short term teen embarrassment either. Teens have all sorts of awkward crushes it is part of the stage, he should be able to work through it by himself. Maybe just keep him and the girl apart for now.

I also don't think you should end this relationship. I usually dude with the child in these cases but this one is so different, decent guy, talking it slowly, no chaos etc.

I think you need to discuss it more with your son. In terms of if his issue is with this man or any man, does he really expect you to stay single all your life etc.

I might very bonkers but maybe the fact he has a crush on the daughter is actually causing him stress and confusion. She's practically his step sister so he's probably confused by his feelings in some way & that might be adding to his stress.

I suspect your partner based on what you say about him will be willing to work with you in terms of not staying overnight etc. This is temporary, he's 17, give itvtime and he'll have his own life and will get less interested in yours.

I think if your son hated this man, they had a personality clash, they had argued etc you would absolutely have to end the relationship. But as it stands, it seems they've got on fine, he just doesn't like that he is not his dad. Which is understandable, but actually not a reason to end things

It sounds like he doesn't want you to seriously date anyone. Or that he finds the thought of you having sex with someone a bit gross. Or that he wants you all to himself maybe because he doesn't have loads of friends? (I know at that age I'd have stayed with friends or they would have stayed with me if my parents had been away). He is going to be an adult soon and that means he needs to be able to acknowledge his feelings but make sure he doesn't always act out on them when they are not reasonable. And not wanting your parent to have a relationship in over 6 years isn't reasonable. Part of growing up is coming to terms with the fact that your parents are people in their own right and exist separately outside of their role in your life. And that you will develop a more equal relationship where you eventually treat each other the same (and I'm sure you'd never stop him going out for the weekend with friends or having a gf over because you orefer it when it's just you and him).

Does he expect you to date but never sleep in the same house as a partner indefinitely? Never make any plans that involve him being alone? My fear if you go along with this is that you will be throwing away a relationship and teaching your son that you don't matter, that you csnt still love his dad but also move on, and then he will find a new group of friends through work or a girlfriend and he will be off, and you will be left alone. Or alternatively have a really enmeshed relationship with your son where either of you never really develop independent relationships with others.

I do think he may need some help to get through this change and I'd be orepaed to take a short break from overnights while he works through his feelings on this but that's it

OK OP if your DS won't be moving out I would explain to him that once he is 18 you will be treating him like the legal adult he is and understand that you will be in this new relationship.

I still would tone it down a bit until then as I assume he is not 18 for a few months and it will give him that time to take on board what you are saying.

Acknowledge his feelings and how much you loved his dad, but now you all have decades ahead of you and you want love and relationships for both yourself and your son. Would he have expected his dad to never date again if he had been widowed?

Has your DS had any grief counseling? Maybe he didn't feel the need earlier, but perhapd 1 on 1 counseling now he is almost an adult could be helpful with making all these transitions.

He's 17 and off to start his own adult life soon. I wouldn't be ending the relationship.

There is a middle ground between ending the relationship and continuing to make your son be involved in your relationship. You don’t need to have the man at your house. You don’t even need regular overnights at his. You can continue dating and just stop bringing your dating life home. Soon enough, your children will be busy with their own lives, and you will be free to do whatever you want. It’s a very short time that you need to keep your life separated.

I honestly don’t believe that your DS has the right to dictate to you who is allowed in YOUR house. I think he needs telling!

I know you want to tread carefully, but it seems to me like he is incredibly overindulged and somehow is under the impression that he rules the roost. He does not. You can have whoever you like round your house and your DS needs to be an adult about it ( within reason of course - I’m not saying move him in!) but you should be able to have dinner etc in your own house with whoever you bloody like!

Well it makes perfect sense to me. If you aren't with the man then it won't seem 'well weird' anymore if yor son makes a move on the daughter he admits having a crush on! Think about it, this is a genius move if the reason he can't be with the girl he fancies is because you are seeing her dad. What better solution then get rid of the dad, problem solved. I really wouldn't be ending this.

Hi OP, I was in the same position as your DS, lost my dad at 11 and my DM met someone 5 years later. Looking back I didn't want her to be in a relationship (with anyone, not just him) and wouldn't have even considered her need for companionship. Sounds like you are in a lovely relationship and are very respectful of your DCs needs on both sides - I would take DS out for a Cuppa and talk. Explain it will always be your family home, you will forever treasure the memories with your DH there but this Man makes you happy and cares about your DS too. I don't think you should end thing's or stop him from staying over

Do ds isn't going to uni and may well be home into his 30s are you going to miss out on life for 20,30 40 years until ds finds love and moves on? He's old enough to understand you haven't forgotten his dad and nothing will replace him but I'm sure his dad would want you to be happy.

It's your home too, and it sounds, to be honest like your DS is being a bit of a brat and taking advantage of the fact he knows you'll put him first.

Don't end things. Talk to your DS. Explain that your DH will always be a part of your memories and you will always love him, but that you also deserve to be happy and to live the rest of your life. It's been 6 years.

I would explain to your son that after a number of years of just being friends, albeit supportive ones, you have now developed stronger feelings for each other and you want to continue to see him. Talk to him and say you'll try and find ways of seeing each other that don't involve him staying over or you being at his overnight. Play the waiting game for a while. Your son is testing you but don't give in to this