DS not happy - I have to end the relationship don’t I

[GeoRicks]

I’ll start with a little background, DS is 17, Y12. 6 years ago my husband passed away, it was sudden and DS and I were understandably devastated. It has been a long process of healing and really we will never fully heal, he was an incredible loving man and our life will always be worse off for not having him.
About a year after he passed we sent to a group for children who had lost a parent, all the kids were around 9-14 and well DS hated it!! We persisted with going for about a year and I met a dad who had a daughter who was little older than DS. Neither of them were really responding to the group, but for opposite reasons. DS was very much the world is awful and baking cakes with other kids like me won’t make that better. This man’s DD was very much the opposite, in she just said she was fine and didn’t feel the need to go.
We both stopped attending but kept in close touch, occasionally meeting for coffee as it was so lovely having someone who understood. I don’t drive so he had taken DS and I down to Manchester to go shopping a few times, he and DS went off together and I went with his daughter etc.
About June last year the nature of our relationship changed and we began dating. I approached it tactfully with DS and he seemed ok with it. We don’t live super close so initially we would just spend Sundays together. We both work 4 days so after a few months it progressed to all day Sunday and most of Monday together. We alternate who’s house we stay at. Over Christmas we spent a little more time together and took the kids out for a meal and bowling, did similar in October half term. In the holidays we always stayed at mine, DS and his DD are a little over a month apart in age but she is Y13 and DS Y12. She is more independent and doesn’t seem to mind her dad being gone for a few days. DS would have struggled.

Skip a head to yesterday, we were staying at my house this weekend and yesterday afternoon DS expressed he wasn’t well and asked if my partner could leave. Total non-issue he left no fuss. DS has seemed out of sorts but not really ill as such. Today he decided to stay off school too.
This morning he told me he doesn’t like my “boyfriend” staying the night. He told me the reasons are that he still views this as his family home as in his dad, him and I. He said it made him uncomfortable. I asked if he would prefer I went to his every Sunday night and he said not really, he doesn’t like being home alone much. He told me he doesn’t like that things have changed. He hasn’t outright said he wants me to end the relationship but it’s clear he doesn’t want me to be with this man around him and he’s my son so that makes it very difficult!!
I’m now thinking I need to end the relationship which is actually really upsetting; I do love him (although this is a relatively new feeling and of course I love my son more). I’ve found opening myself up to someone new really difficult and we have so much in common and he is a genuinely good lovely man. I tried so hard to approach this gently with DS, didn’t force him to do anything, didn’t rush in etc.
Partially thinking I need to wait until DS has moved out, he doesn’t plan to go to uni, but wants an apprenticeship which is local, so he would be at home for a bit longer then and I worry that if I got into a relationship just as he moved out he’d feel pushed away.
I’m feeling a little conflicted as while DS is my priority, I’ve really enjoyed this relationship and worry If not now - when?
I know realistically I just have to end things, DS comes first, but AIBU to be wondering if there is a way around this, that allows me to prioritise DS and have a life of my own?

Sorry but your son is being a little immature and selfish which is understandable but doesn’t mean you have to do as he wants you to either. You are a person too and deserve to be happy and have a life outside of being his mummy, he’s an adult and will have his own life too very very soon whilst being considerate of his feelings is the right thing to do that doesn’t mean you should end your relationship nor should your partner have had to leave the house because your adult son felt poorly, that’s very odd, and was also a lie to get his own way.

STOP!!!! a poorly child ....thats a male- ???17=close to a man/when suits them.(usually)
Not well is key to "i want need my ma\all to myself"..not news... or gender relevant really Your partner left- (as a side query did he ask you?both you?- what that converation look like?)for partner to leave.
NO issue- is remarkable. honestly!- thats defo ideal. (bellringy)
As no specific illness\symptoms...(i 'm a wee bit bellringy there too)

thats like vaguely\constant 6yrs- new level 8 months?

If your boy doesnt like stay alone weekend-is cos thats new? does 4 of you alter his stance?
I understand him finding making new memories(if can reach point accept ALL =moving on)may throw issue for him.
and you.
as before-thae alarm bell is he doesnt want this man around Him(with you/but wont happen without you?)
THEY are all "genuine decent guys"is my concern

Hope THATS way off the mark.
dunno ditch the man as yet.
defo need speak to your child more tho.xx

You shouldn’t end this relationship……

I think you’re reasonable to offer to go to your partners house- at 17 your son doesn’t need looking after, and although he may not enjoy being home alone he’s capable of it (assuming no SEN) and has said he doesn’t want your partner staying over.

you and your partner both deserve happiness after some sad times, and I think your son is being a little selfish if he can’t see that!

I think you need to be quite firm with ds in that you are not going to stop seeing him as you need a life as ds moves on with his, however you are willing to discuss acceptable compromises.
perhaps

.you go to man friends and ds has a friend come to stay at yours
.every fortnight stay over at your man friends
.Ds goes to stay with a friend or relatives
.hotel occasionally so you are nearby
.you agree that you stay out of each others way and ds is allowed to not interact eg he stays in his room or you and man friend stay in yours.
.you buy him new sound cancelling head phones

or a combination of above

You both need to give and take but please don’t finish it.

.And also counselling. either individual or you both together

@EmmyLemmyHemmy he didnt say because I want you all to myself and would rather you are alone forevr more tho.
He said it makes him feel uncomfortable.
yes-you are entitled to happiness.Yes he may be- holding onto/ssufferingnfrom-post trauma-loose dad .
may be mildly controly cos-THATS his mum
uncomfortable?thats off?
whats the dance re ds and partner-til now/lately?

Widow here with two children. My son would be exactly like yours- he’s a little younger . Both my children still see me ‘married to dad.” Personally I would end it but stay friends, I mean what your some doesn’t see can’t hurt him. I would start another relationship when he was settled ie had his apprenticeship, or work was out more socialising. Use this time to tackle the subject that now once he’s an adult he won’t be reliant on you, have his own life and that you want to build a little life for yourself that is separate from being widowed mum. Unpopular opinion but I like you have seen the hurt that these bereaved kids go through .

I was a widow with three children, aged 22, 20 and 14 when their dad died. I remarried 18 months later. Twenty years later all my kids get on very well with their stepdad, and he's been part of my younger son's life longer than his dad was. A lot of reaction is short term. If OP sees a future with her partner it wouldn't hurt to take the long view.

And what I think is the biggest clincher … he asked out partners DD a couple of times every time being shot back, he says it’s embarrassing and he doesn’t want to be around her, says he gets jealous and sad when he sees her .

Well now you've pretty much got to the crux of it. And if there was any doubt in your mind whether you should end this relationship this should have got rid of it. You don't give up a real chance of happiness and a new life because he's embarrassed. And I'd be wanting a clearer definition of 'a couple of times'. Exactly two - or more? He needs to learn that no means no and not keep pushing.

You definitely don't want to disrupt your relationship with your son. If you make him feel alienated now you might lose his trust and closeness forever. However much you like/love the man you cannot know what the future holds - but you will ALWAYS want your son in your life.

However, you have a right to comfort and happiness too - and the reality is that in a few years your son will be busy with other things and won't want to be in your house forever.

Perhaps just don't have sleep overs at your house for now. Ask your boyfriend to wait, discuss it, give it a few months.

I wouldn't stop seeing your partner. It's too much to ask of anyone, it's not like your son is a toddler.

And also, in a few years time your son might also feel super guilty about stuffing up your relationship and it could taint a lot of things into the future. What if this is your last chance at a great relationship? It's slim pickings out there for many. Are you ok with going into middle age and old age alone or with a lesser relationship than you could have had?

Surely there can be a compromise between all or nothing.

Edited to add - ah, now I see your son is embarrassed for himself too. Ok, so just give him some space, don't force the teenagers to spend time with each for a couple of months, no reason the two of you can't keep seeing each other. He will get over it and get over this.

Another vote for keeping your relationship. Would your son want to stay in every night to keep you company and make up for the relationship he destroyed? Perhaps a chat with an adult he respects could put things in a different perspective for him

Glad there's been a fairly positive update.

It is a problem that at 17, he is not comfortable being on his own at night. This is way too old for that. I imagine it's because the house felt empty and lonely without his dad, and he doesn't want to experience the loneliness of being in the family home all by himself - feeling apart from both his father and mother.

But at 17, being able to be left on his own overnight is overdue and it's something he'll need to learn to do. Him not being independent sounds like a problem in the making because he's nearly a man. He's on the path to becoming a manchild if this isn't corrected.

Am I right in assuming that he has been treated with extra love and TLC because of his dad dying? At some point, this crosses over to pandering. Your immediate reaction that you must put your near-adult son first, and end your relationship on his say so demonstrates that your extra concern for your son has started to go way too far.

He also need to learn to accept rejection: everyone is rejected by people they fancy at some point, it's just a fact of life. You can't forever avoid everyone who's rejected you to avoid feeling embarrassed! He'll get over his feelings for her in time; like all crushes, they do end.

Your son is 17. Your husband died 6 years ago. You met a nice man in the same situation as you. This man is good to you. I would not end this relationship.

You need to tell him your 17 years of age and you will be leaving school soon. I have decided to stay in a relationship with X as he is a nice man who is good to me.
Ask him then if I break up with X will you stay single for the rest of your life and live with me here for ever? Because that's what you want me to do and unfortunately this is not going to happen.

Tell him since he won't stay in the house overnight you can arrange a that his friend stays with him and you just need ring his mother to arrange this. Then what your boyfriend comes over he can stay in his friends house. You going to tell your boyfriend and his daughter this.
I can't see him wanting his best friend to know he won't stay alone in the house or his potential girlfriend know that he acts like a baby.

You know that your son is planning to stay local to go to college or get into an apprenticeship so he is going to be living at home for the next few years.

It time for you to have a life also because it's not been easy for you over the past few years.
You met a man whose is good to you and good to him.
Your son either accepts this or I stop giving him money and paying his phone bill. Tell him that no child like him needs money and you have decided to stop paying his phone bill also.

Your son is 17. Your husband died 6 years ago. You met a nice man in the same situation as you. This man is good to you. I would not end this relationship.

You need to tell him your 17 years of age and you will be leaving school soon. I have decided to stay in a relationship with X as he is a nice man who is good to me.
Ask him then if I break up with X will you stay single for the rest of your life and live with me here for ever? Because that's what you want me to do and unfortunately this is not going to happen.

Tell him since he won't stay in the house overnight you can arrange a that his friend stays with him and you just need ring his mother to arrange this. Then what your boyfriend comes over he can stay in his friends house. You going to tell your boyfriend and his daughter this.
I can't see him wanting his best friend to know he won't stay alone in the house or his potential girlfriend know that he acts like a baby.

You know that your son is planning to stay local to go to college or get into an apprenticeship so he is going to be living at home for the next few years.

It time for you to have a life also because it's not been easy for you over the past few years.
You met a man whose is good to you and good to him.
Your son either accepts this or I stop giving him money and paying his phone bill. Tell him that no child like him needs money and you have decided to stop paying his phone bill also.

I will add to my previous comment..

I think its fair to reassure him, and mean it, that you won't move in with this man or move him into your home unless DS welcomes that, in the immediate future. Your relationship with this guy is not a rejection of your son.

If he is heading down the incel road then any hint of rejection will be taken really badly and will further fuel those ideas, he does need to feel secure... but at the same time shown he can't dictate your life and he does need to stand on his own two feet a bit more!

But he is one year away from adulthood. Why throw away a happy and decent relationship for such a short time? That is madness. At 17 I don’t think her sons ‘happiness’ should come before all else, this is exactly the age when young adults should start to develop emotional maturity and understand that his mother deserves some happiness as well, that she faces life alone otherwise. As ds will soon be off living his best life with a little luck.

This is all about the dd, if he didn’t like her this would be a non issue.

My dad died when I was early 20s. My mum started dating his friend less than 3 months after his death and moved in with him very shortly after. It was all very sneaky and lots of lies on both parts. I no longer have a relationship with her.
You sound like you’ve handled this well, in a way that’s respectful to your husband and your son. 6 years is a long time to be alone and you have allowed your son the time to grieve which is something I didn’t get due to suspicions over this man starting only weeks after my dad died. I definitely don’t think you should end it but I agree with others in that your son may need some counselling.

So it is the DD that's the issue.

He's sexually attracted to her and wanted a relationship and she turned him down, it sounds like he tried asking her out again more than once over a period of time and she's just completely not interested. If the reason she said no is because you and her dad were dating first, he may feel resentful of your relationship, or hopeful that if you two broke up, she might change her mind and date him. If he started asking her when you and her dad were still just friends, then he may simply be struggling with the fact he got rejected, and he can't just cut her out of his life.

Now he's in a position where he can't just avoid her, he's going to have to potentially see her or atleast hear about her so his feelings will keep resurfacing, which leads him to feel sad/jealous she doesn't want to be with him, and embarrassed she rejected him. If things get serious and you start seeing more and more of him, potentially even getting to the point of living together or marrying, then he will obviously see more and more of her, maybe even end up living in the same house, and if he's still got feelings that will sting. It also throws up the potential down the line that he's sexually attracted to someone who is like, or potentially even legally becomes, his step sister, which could make him feel very weird/dirty/wrong etc.

I feel for him, its not a nice position for him to be in, but it isn't yours or your partners fault, and you absolutely shouldn't end a relationship that makes the two of you happy, for a "maybe" relationship he could have with his daughter (if her reason was solely because you were dating her dad already to turn him down), which lets face it, would be a lot less likely to last, and there's a very good chance she still wouldn't want to date him anyway.

I am sorry for your loss.

I'm usually 100% kids first every time, no excuses (typical MNetter). But in your case, I don't think you should split up.

Understandably your son is upset and struggling to adjust to his fathers absence and you embarking on a new relationship is just part of this.

There will never be a right time.

I wonder how much of it is because, at his age, he is aware that your boyfriend stopping the night means you are having sex and he doesn't like the thought of that?

He obviously wouldn't be able to articulate that to you but I wonder of that is what is behind his "this is the family home" feeling?

Either way, I also don't think you should end it. My 17 yo lives a pretty independent life - school, work, gym, volunteering, friends. It would be unreasonable for her to expect my life to maintain static and unchanged whilst hers moves on. And she has so much going on that she doesn't.

My friend has been with a widower for 7 years. His wife died three years before they got together and he had 3 teenagers. There were some difficult feelings (from his kids towards her) at the beginning but they all get on really well now.

Ah, I've also just seen the daughter issue.

Yep, that's the crux of it. We'll if they are teens, they don't have to spend much time together do they?

In a couple of years time, that'll be ancient history anyway.

No, don’t end things. You are happy. Has your son had any counselling?

"He doesn’t want to be alone overnight" @GeoRicks

To be honest, he sounds a bit developmentally delayed? It's not at all normal for a 17 year old boy to be clingy like that. I've never known a 17 year old teenage boy to be too afraid to stay on their own overnight. Most 17 year old boys are DESPERATE to get rid the parents for a night, even have a party while the parents are away. Does he have many friends? I am wondering if he has ASD aor may possibly need therapy. Because his clinginess rings alarm bells.

It sounds like you've had a good chat. He'll get over the embarrassment eventually. Also if he's not feeling that well at the moment maybe he just felt a bit more vulnerable so I wouldn't make any decisions based on that.

It's very possible that he's going to become much more independent over the coming year. Maybe have the man over every fortnite instead of every week so you can have a weekend just the 2 of you so it doesn't feel like every weekend.

Also, and this is a side issue, it might be worth having a chat with your son to make sure he knows once he's been rejected to move on. It might be nothing but the use of the words "keeps rejecting" makes me think he's asked more than once which could possibly be a bit annoying and awkward for the young girl involved.

So the OP was already dating the father, after having been friends for years.

Then the son decides to ask out the Dd of his mums partner, without a single thought for how awkward it’s going to be for everyone, especially if she says no.

She says no . But he doesn’t take that for an answer, he asks her again, at least once, perhaps several times. He doesn’t think about how difficult that’s going to be if she says no again, which she does.

Only then does he think “ Oops , this is awkward having the dad around “.

So he decides the solution is to guilt trip his mum into ending HER relationship. The first one she’s had in 6 years of devoting herself to bringing up her son after losing her husband.

Nice.

Some 17 year olds might deal with this by making themselves scarce when mums partner is around. You know, like getting a job at weekends, volunteering , joining a sports team, going to the gym, going out to their mates for the day or having a sleepover at their uncles. Or even just staying in their bedroom playing video games like most teenage boys.

But no. This lad decides the way to deal with his own embarrassment is to lie to his mum and try to destroy her happiness.

It’s clearly nothing to do with the house being “ just for him and his mum “. Because if this girl ( or any other ) says yes to dating him, I assume he’d expect her to come to his house , or perhaps even stay over. Or is he proposing to stay single forever, just him and his mum? Of course he’s not.

It’s a very sad reflection on this young man and a very poor way for him to treat his mother. He is not a child - he’s old enough to drive, leave school, get a job or go to college or university. And he’s old enough to see that his mother is entitled to her own life and some happiness and companionship.

Im also a single mum with a son of the same age and another one who is away at uni. My 17 yea old is happy for me to go out and have a social life, the same as he has. He would feel guilty if I was sitting home alone every night waiting for him to get in. And he would worry about me when he moves away to university in 7 months.