DS not happy - I have to end the relationship don’t I

[GeoRicks]

I’ll start with a little background, DS is 17, Y12. 6 years ago my husband passed away, it was sudden and DS and I were understandably devastated. It has been a long process of healing and really we will never fully heal, he was an incredible loving man and our life will always be worse off for not having him.
About a year after he passed we sent to a group for children who had lost a parent, all the kids were around 9-14 and well DS hated it!! We persisted with going for about a year and I met a dad who had a daughter who was little older than DS. Neither of them were really responding to the group, but for opposite reasons. DS was very much the world is awful and baking cakes with other kids like me won’t make that better. This man’s DD was very much the opposite, in she just said she was fine and didn’t feel the need to go.
We both stopped attending but kept in close touch, occasionally meeting for coffee as it was so lovely having someone who understood. I don’t drive so he had taken DS and I down to Manchester to go shopping a few times, he and DS went off together and I went with his daughter etc.
About June last year the nature of our relationship changed and we began dating. I approached it tactfully with DS and he seemed ok with it. We don’t live super close so initially we would just spend Sundays together. We both work 4 days so after a few months it progressed to all day Sunday and most of Monday together. We alternate who’s house we stay at. Over Christmas we spent a little more time together and took the kids out for a meal and bowling, did similar in October half term. In the holidays we always stayed at mine, DS and his DD are a little over a month apart in age but she is Y13 and DS Y12. She is more independent and doesn’t seem to mind her dad being gone for a few days. DS would have struggled.

Skip a head to yesterday, we were staying at my house this weekend and yesterday afternoon DS expressed he wasn’t well and asked if my partner could leave. Total non-issue he left no fuss. DS has seemed out of sorts but not really ill as such. Today he decided to stay off school too.
This morning he told me he doesn’t like my “boyfriend” staying the night. He told me the reasons are that he still views this as his family home as in his dad, him and I. He said it made him uncomfortable. I asked if he would prefer I went to his every Sunday night and he said not really, he doesn’t like being home alone much. He told me he doesn’t like that things have changed. He hasn’t outright said he wants me to end the relationship but it’s clear he doesn’t want me to be with this man around him and he’s my son so that makes it very difficult!!
I’m now thinking I need to end the relationship which is actually really upsetting; I do love him (although this is a relatively new feeling and of course I love my son more). I’ve found opening myself up to someone new really difficult and we have so much in common and he is a genuinely good lovely man. I tried so hard to approach this gently with DS, didn’t force him to do anything, didn’t rush in etc.
Partially thinking I need to wait until DS has moved out, he doesn’t plan to go to uni, but wants an apprenticeship which is local, so he would be at home for a bit longer then and I worry that if I got into a relationship just as he moved out he’d feel pushed away.
I’m feeling a little conflicted as while DS is my priority, I’ve really enjoyed this relationship and worry If not now - when?
I know realistically I just have to end things, DS comes first, but AIBU to be wondering if there is a way around this, that allows me to prioritise DS and have a life of my own?

In a few months he will be an adult, and harsh or not but it's your house and if he doesn't like it he can move out and be independent. I don't think you should stop dating someone because your 17 year old doesn't like it. If he was 7, yes, but not 17.

There is a mIddle ground here - your DS rightly sees the home as his territory and memories and imprints of life before - I would continue slowly but not in the home - he's right to feel the way he does but perhaps not seeing you dating and around anyone will give him
more time to calibrate

This.

I am usually very anti blended families, having gone through that myself as a child. But your son will have a life of his own away from home in the next few years.

I would stop the staying over for now, but not split up. Then you can resume when DS heads off to uni or is 18 or 19.

Agree. I think a proper chat is needed - does he want you to have nobody forever?

Maybe discuss some boundaries and reach a compromise... I'm sure he wouldn't want to destroy the relationship either, it's a hard situation all round but definitely communicate with him and see how you can meet in the middle?

I think people are being very harsh on the son tbh.
He may legally be an adult in a few months but it doesn't mean he's there mentally.
He lost his father 6 years ago and then we had the sodding pandemic with the lockdowns hindering children's progress, he's had a lot on his plate for such a young person.
He is hoping to do an apprenticeship very close to home and doesn't enjoy his nights at home alone, he sounds like he isn't quite ready to spread his wings into full adult life and is worried perhaps that his mums new relationship might force his hand.
Can you talk to him and tell him honestly that he needs to give you some solid reasons as to why he doesn't want your relationship to progress? Ask him exactly why he wouldn't want you spending time with this man, in a full detailed explanation. His answer might surprise you.

It's a really tough one, and you've had some great suggestions. I would definitely look into some grief/trauma counseling for DS. It's a difficult age already for him, but he may be more able to deal with his experience and loss with a professional now. I know this is a really extreme suggestion, but as he specifically says that he feels it's awkward because it's "the family home"... Have you ever considered moving house? I'm not saying you should move for this specific reason, but if there were other reasons/benefits to moving (just you and DS)/downsizing or something, do you think it would make a difference?

Op..... your son is 17, he won't be staying at home forever. You deserve some happiness too. Maybe its time Your son realized that. Good luck x 🙏💕

Don’t end it. My lovely dad died when I was 12. I remember when she wanted to start dating again , my brothers used to give her grief about it. Well, they still do as they feel they need to ‘protect’ her. Well, it’s 24 years ago now any my mother is still alone, every one has left home and I wish she had met and settled with someone good back then.
Keep the relationship away from your house as I can see why your son isn’t comfortable with this but I’ll explain to your son that he can’t dictate on this

Came here to say exactly this. It’s extremely hard to find a good man and more so one you gel so well with. You will come to massively regret and resent leaving this lovely relationship for your son who is practically an adult.

Honestly your son needs to get used to you having one night out a week or Fortnight his 17 nearly 18.

Does he never go out or stay at a friends house?

Because that’s what his asking you that you never ever what go out for drinks with your friends and stop over with them or a “girly” weekend ever or stay over for a works party at a hotel. When his nearly 18.

Remove the bf and his honestly expecting you to never sleep away from home till
he what decides he can move out them you have to sleep alone every night.

Your son lost and his dad and now feels like he only has you - seeing you start to move on to someone else when he is just about to start out in the world and potentially doesn't know what is going to happen is going to make him feel incredibly insecure and unsafe - and that's what you need to work on I think, rather than ending the relationship.

He's worried about the unknown - will the family home be sold if you stay with this man? Will you start to prioritise this man over him? Will you end up spending all your time with this man? Will you end up staying at this mans house and so he'll hardly see you?

I really think you need to address all these sorts of concerns he might have about what will happen with the house and the relationship and ask him how he feels about all these issues. Sometimes it just feels like the world is all moving too fast, too many changes are happening at once and you don't know where it's going to end. I think that's how he feels right now.

I'd say also maybe take a step back to where you just see each other for the day for now. Your son is struggling with the change and if you take it a step back then you're showing him you're listening and prioritising him without having to end the relationship. Lots of time, love and reassurance for your son too, 17 is still very young and not an easy age, no matter how much there persists this idea that at 18 they will suddenly be all grown up,

OP.

Your son is grieving, that process is something he will go through many times in his life.

You can help him through it, of course, but it isn't a reason to never move on.

I can fully understand he might feel like he does not want a replacement dad figure. But it's not for him to say who you can and cannot have staying round the house. He will come around to it. If you think this is serious (which it sounds like you do) then it's your chance of happiness. Surely your son doesn't want you to be alone forever. Could you ask your son if he would see a counsellor?

I don't think you should end your relationship. I lost a parent as a teenager so I'm not unsympathetic. However, your ds is nearly an adult...you're an adult, you're entitled to a relationship. Decent men are fairly thin on the ground from what I hear from single friends so if you're happy with this guy, I wouldn't end things. Your son will be off doing his own thing soon enough, moving out, working, starting his own relationships. You are allowed a life free of loneliness.

The timing is odd here OP. He's known this man for several years, known for some time you've been dating and the staying over may have increased but it's not new, so I'm surprised he's only just raising it. It makes me wonder if there's something else going on here that makes him feel he needs to flex his muscles a bit with you. Perhaps he's feeling insecure or uncertain in other aspects of his life and feels this is somewhere he can exert some control? My first step here would be to try to understand where it had come from, ie, why now, and see if he'll open up.

Is there another family member who could talk with him about it? Particularly anyone from your late husband's side?

He needs to let you move on eventually. If it was "not until I've finished school" that would be fair enough - a bit longer to process things and get used to the idea, but I don't think you should be prevented from developing a relationship indefinitely.

I would be concerned for his mental health. I would explain the situation to your partner and maybe try and compromise on staying over, go to his Saturday or Sunday for the afternoon. You are a great mum putting your son first.

I agree with @itsmyp4rty

I'm the mum of a 16 year old boy who swings from being fiercely strong and independent to vulnerable and sensitive. We are incredibly close and he talks to be about anything and everything. (Sometimes things I don't want to know about!).

I can fully see a situation where if anything happened to DH my DS would struggle with wanting to protect me and being scared of me not being there for him.

Your OP actually made me a little sad for you both!

I don't think you should end things at all but I do think you should keep your relationship separate and only an occasional overnight at your partners house or even a hotel/city break type thing.

I'm not saying hide it from your DS either, as other posters have explained to DS that you are lonely and enjoy this man's company but you will respect his feelings and not have him stay overnight.

Your son is almost an adult. It would be unreasonable to end a happy relationship because your son isn’t happy with it for no reason other than “he isn’t my dad”, and you’re under no obligation to either.

For context, my exMIL died many years ago. My exP wouldn’t accept any relationship his dad had subsequently (all of which were years after her death). He even remarried and despite exP being in his 40s, still doesn’t like her because he doesn’t want his dad to be with anyone that isn’t his mum.

My point is, it doesn’t go away. He has to learn to deal with his feelings, not demand that you remove the person causing them, or he will never be able to accept any relationship you have.

Gosh you don't need to be Freud to see the oedipus complex here, do you?

You've given your son too much control over you and, although for understandable reasons, you are setting him and yourself up to fail. He is at risk of growing up into a coercive and controlling partner if you carry on like this.

As a family friend said of growing up with his single mother : ‘ my job was to see off boyfriends, and I was very good at that.’
His mother is in her sixties now and still single and he still lives with her.
Be as sensitive as you need to be but also be assertive: your son is not the boss of your life.

Maybe he wants you to end the relationship to get the DD out of the picture because of his crush, or wants to date her and is worried you'll marry and then thinks he can't.

I don't think you need to end things.

Your son isn't making a bunch of demands or trying to be controlling. He's (understandably) dealing with some very big, very confusing feelings about you getting further into a relationship and having a man who isn't his dad in the home. There's absolutely nothing wrong with him feeling that way but it also doesn't mean you've done anything wrong.

We don't have to run from unpleasant feelings. Talk to your son about your own feelings, listen to and support his, and seek out family and individual counseling. Work through this together.

Absolutely what @Herdinggoats said. Life is short, be happy.

Your son is 17 not 7. He’s old enough to be starting to have his own priorities, relationships and independence.
You deserve happiness too.
its been 6 years since his dad died. He’s old and mature enough to understand that you might want and need a new relationship.
there has to be a compromise here that can work for everyone short term while DS is living at home xx