DS not happy - I have to end the relationship don’t I

[GeoRicks]

I’ll start with a little background, DS is 17, Y12. 6 years ago my husband passed away, it was sudden and DS and I were understandably devastated. It has been a long process of healing and really we will never fully heal, he was an incredible loving man and our life will always be worse off for not having him.
About a year after he passed we sent to a group for children who had lost a parent, all the kids were around 9-14 and well DS hated it!! We persisted with going for about a year and I met a dad who had a daughter who was little older than DS. Neither of them were really responding to the group, but for opposite reasons. DS was very much the world is awful and baking cakes with other kids like me won’t make that better. This man’s DD was very much the opposite, in she just said she was fine and didn’t feel the need to go.
We both stopped attending but kept in close touch, occasionally meeting for coffee as it was so lovely having someone who understood. I don’t drive so he had taken DS and I down to Manchester to go shopping a few times, he and DS went off together and I went with his daughter etc.
About June last year the nature of our relationship changed and we began dating. I approached it tactfully with DS and he seemed ok with it. We don’t live super close so initially we would just spend Sundays together. We both work 4 days so after a few months it progressed to all day Sunday and most of Monday together. We alternate who’s house we stay at. Over Christmas we spent a little more time together and took the kids out for a meal and bowling, did similar in October half term. In the holidays we always stayed at mine, DS and his DD are a little over a month apart in age but she is Y13 and DS Y12. She is more independent and doesn’t seem to mind her dad being gone for a few days. DS would have struggled.

Skip a head to yesterday, we were staying at my house this weekend and yesterday afternoon DS expressed he wasn’t well and asked if my partner could leave. Total non-issue he left no fuss. DS has seemed out of sorts but not really ill as such. Today he decided to stay off school too.
This morning he told me he doesn’t like my “boyfriend” staying the night. He told me the reasons are that he still views this as his family home as in his dad, him and I. He said it made him uncomfortable. I asked if he would prefer I went to his every Sunday night and he said not really, he doesn’t like being home alone much. He told me he doesn’t like that things have changed. He hasn’t outright said he wants me to end the relationship but it’s clear he doesn’t want me to be with this man around him and he’s my son so that makes it very difficult!!
I’m now thinking I need to end the relationship which is actually really upsetting; I do love him (although this is a relatively new feeling and of course I love my son more). I’ve found opening myself up to someone new really difficult and we have so much in common and he is a genuinely good lovely man. I tried so hard to approach this gently with DS, didn’t force him to do anything, didn’t rush in etc.
Partially thinking I need to wait until DS has moved out, he doesn’t plan to go to uni, but wants an apprenticeship which is local, so he would be at home for a bit longer then and I worry that if I got into a relationship just as he moved out he’d feel pushed away.
I’m feeling a little conflicted as while DS is my priority, I’ve really enjoyed this relationship and worry If not now - when?
I know realistically I just have to end things, DS comes first, but AIBU to be wondering if there is a way around this, that allows me to prioritise DS and have a life of my own?

I don't think you should end things.

Your son is 17, and he might need to talk through his feelings about all this with someone who can help him make sense of it, but he is old enough to understand that you are an adult who should be able to pursue relationships if you want to.

You have spent six years, your son's entire adolescence, focusing all your time on him while you deal with your own grief. He is now almost an adult. He's about to move on to a new stage in his life, and you are allowed to move on to a new stage in yours too. Yes, it's a change. But we all have to cope with change. He will have to cope with many more over the course of his life.

The way he feels is, while not especially rational, certainly understandable. But that doesn't mean you have to act on it. Like I say - he could probably benefit from some professional counselling to help him process what he's feeling, and to understand it in the context of his dad's death and having you as his sole parent for six years. Perhaps even some family therapy for both of you. At the moment, it sounds like your son is perhaps a little immature emotionally and (again, presumably due to having lost his dad when he was on the cusp of adolescence) quite clingy for a 17-year-old - I think it's quite unusual and rather needy for a 17-year-old boy to say he doesn't like it if he has to spend an evening at home without his mum, for example. So while I can see why he might be like this, I think that it does need to be addressed, rather than indulged - as much for your son's sake as for yours.

Don't end things, but maybe slow things down and go back a step, less overnights and less/not in DS home space.

Once DS is on an apprenticeship with work mates and building a life he won't be home much let alone give a toss about your dating life.

I agree. You can show your son you're listening to him and make space for his feelings without ending the relationship. I think making sure his dads memory is alive will be very important now as he might feel you're replacing him or forgetting about him

He also probably totally grossed out at the thought of you having sex...teens find this icky enough when it's their parents let alone a parent and a new partner.

And reassure ds that he will always always be your number one man

I think your babying your son. He's 17, not 7. He can stay in the house alone for the weekend, it shouldn't be an issue.

Can he stay every other weekend and your son sleeps over at a friends that night? Or ask him what makes him
Uncomfortable eg is it sharing a bathroom, not watching what he wants on tv etc and try to find a compromise?

Partially thinking I need to wait until DS has moved out, he doesn’t plan to go to uni, but wants an apprenticeship which is local, so he would be at home for a bit longer then and I worry that if I got into a relationship just as he moved out he’d feel pushed away.

Yeah, what if like so many young people, your son doesn't move out until he is 24/25? Housing costs and apprentice's wages being what they are. My DP's son is 20 and has just started an apprenticeship and is likely to be at home for another three years ago least. We don't live together either (and I don't want to while his son is still there to be honest!), and we don't see each other as often as I'd like, but we're hanging on in there.

It must be hard for him and people do say put the kids first, but he is no longer eight years old is he?

Speaking from experience, if this guy is as nice as he sounds, don't let him go if you don't want to. They're rarer than hen's teeth.

I wouldn't end it either.

I just think your DS needs a lot of reassurance that he isn't going to lose you as well!

My friend was widowed. She started a new relationship after 5 years. Her eldest son ( 16) had an absolute crisis about it. He had thought of himself as the man of the house since his father died and didn't want another man there. He also struggled with his mum having a sexual relationship. He used to turn all the lights on in the house at night,turn the TV up very loud and try and day up all night. In his mind if there were lights and noise and people around his mother would not be having sex. Took years of counselling to help.

he's a teenager - and teenagers find the thought of their parents having sex completely disgusting. So your DS could be feeling really uncomfortable about your man staying over.

I agree with others - don't break up the relationship. have a discussion with DS along the lines of I'm moving on. Will always love his dad, but I've found another person I can love and I will continue to see this man. So the new man will come and stay nearby and I will be spending time with him out of the home.

Then find an airbnb or something nearby where the new man can stay and you spend time with him out of the house. Not ideal but needs must

@AngelinaFibres I am a widow and if my children started terrorizing me in my own home because I dared to have a boyfriend, I'd give them the option of moving out. It is very very hard being a lone parent, and a female one, because if you are not careful your children end up being the boss of you and that stops you being able to parent them effectively. I have sought counselling for my children because they need somewhere to offload about me, their grief (money well spent but expensive). I would also allow them to express their discontent.

I wouldn't let them drive me or my future partner out though, I wouldn't necessarily try to blend any families, and any dating I've done isn't in the house so far, and I would try to be sensitive around this but ultimately you are the parent, you have to be able to parent them and allowing them to dictate if you have a relationship is too much power to give a 17 year old living in my home.

I know!! He isn’t planning on going to university, he’s hoping for an apprenticeship, this means he’ll be at home a bit longer…it’s all there in the OP!! Why don’t posters read before answering and giving advice?

I wouldn’t be ending things for a 17 year old. He’s almost an adult and while he may find it difficult, you are allowed to be happy.

One day he will find someone and move on and you’ll regret it. I think it’s very controlling of him and I don’t think you’re sending him the right message.

Totally agree.

OP, you deserve some happiness, six years on, and this man sounds lovely. I really don't think you should end the relationship.

You can't stay at home alone forever, by order of a 17 year old.

If your son is unable to cope with being at home alone, then find a solution to that. Surely he has a friend who could sleep over? Or is there a family friend or relative who could 'babysit'?

Also, don't overreact. It's normal for 17 year olds not to want things to change and not like this man over all the time. Let him say that. Let him express stuff about his dad and how he misses the old days.

You don't have to run around fixing it. He didn't ask you to stop the relationship- he just opened up about his sadness and how he wishes it was different. I would acknowledge this instead of trying to fix everything. If it proves a problem in the future, then talk about what would make things easier (friend to stay over).

I would not start renting an Air B and B until my child was 25, put it that way.

I dont think it is realistic or reasonable to end the relationship. Your son is 17 not 7. He needs to understand that mum has a life, and does not just exist as his mum. And while he does not have to like the fact that the new situation is what it is, he has to accept your choices. Get him into counselling if he will go, but dont let him dictate like this.

Your son is being selfish. He will be off to uni soon and you will be alone. It's been 6 years. That may sound harsh but you deserve to be happy.

I don't think he would be happy with sny relationship with anybody. He's not thinking about you being lonely when he moves out in a few years. I am sure your husband wouldn't have wanted you to be permanently celibate and lonely on his behalf. I think your son is bring selfish and priggish about the fact that older people might dare to have sex and meet a new person. After six years you're certainly not rushing.

When my husband's widowed stepmother met somebody, my husband, his brothers and half sisters were thrilled that she was out having fun with a companion. It didn't mean she hadn't loved their dad. I am sure his dad would have understood.

I wouldn't give up this relationship. Your son, if he wants to stay enjoying the benefits of home, has to develop some tolerance. I'm assuming you don't have adjoining rooms and there is reasonably decent soundproofing in your house?

He’s allowed an option but he isn’t 3. It isn’t your family home with his dad any more and he needs to grow up a little. You are allowed a boyfriend and whilst he is allowed to wish it were otherwise he needs to be polite and courteous around your boyfriend. Don’t sacrifice your own happiness OP. You’ve done nothing wrong.

If he has a crush on the DD then I’m not surprised he feels uncomfortable with you now dating her Dad - probably very weird for him having a crush on someone who could end up becoming his step-sister one day!

I agree with every other response - do not end your relationship if you are happy and think it could go somewhere. But maybe just dial it back in front of the kids, just for a year or two. Don’t do half term activities as a four. Could your son sleep over at a relative or friends house every Sunday night? Or have a friend sleepover with him at home while you stay at your boyfriends?

I was a single mum and always put my DS first but I think at 17 and 6 years later he needs to understand you need someone and deserve to be happy. He will soon have his own life and should not sentence you to a life alone. Its a bit selfish really.

Op if there was a handbook on how to do this the right way you would be it. You have done everything correctly. You deserve happiness and this man ad his dd seem a great fit. I'm sure your son has his reasons for feeing as he does but I think he's old enough to work thru them. I would not break up

I don't think you should end the relationship. It's not as if your husband was recently deceased, six years is a long time, and you deserve a second chance at happiness, even though it may well not match up to the happiness you had with your husband. Plus, your son isn't 5 or 9, he is almost an adult, and will soon be swanning off with his own relationships - and I think he is being childish and unreasonable to put this on you at this time. Why does he not like being on his own at home - can't he have friends over, or go out to the cinema etc with pals? The apron strings would be bound to be cut soon anyway. Please think of your future with this nice man, your have raised your son, and you both have got through a terrible time, so gently, you have to tread carefully but not shut the door on the man.

Children of any age don’t decide who you date or have in your home. This man poses no risk to your son and has been a kind presence in his life for many years. Your son’s feelings are complex but ultimately selfish. I think you would be better placed finding him some counselling to figure out his feelings.