DS not happy - I have to end the relationship don’t I

[GeoRicks]

I’ll start with a little background, DS is 17, Y12. 6 years ago my husband passed away, it was sudden and DS and I were understandably devastated. It has been a long process of healing and really we will never fully heal, he was an incredible loving man and our life will always be worse off for not having him.
About a year after he passed we sent to a group for children who had lost a parent, all the kids were around 9-14 and well DS hated it!! We persisted with going for about a year and I met a dad who had a daughter who was little older than DS. Neither of them were really responding to the group, but for opposite reasons. DS was very much the world is awful and baking cakes with other kids like me won’t make that better. This man’s DD was very much the opposite, in she just said she was fine and didn’t feel the need to go.
We both stopped attending but kept in close touch, occasionally meeting for coffee as it was so lovely having someone who understood. I don’t drive so he had taken DS and I down to Manchester to go shopping a few times, he and DS went off together and I went with his daughter etc.
About June last year the nature of our relationship changed and we began dating. I approached it tactfully with DS and he seemed ok with it. We don’t live super close so initially we would just spend Sundays together. We both work 4 days so after a few months it progressed to all day Sunday and most of Monday together. We alternate who’s house we stay at. Over Christmas we spent a little more time together and took the kids out for a meal and bowling, did similar in October half term. In the holidays we always stayed at mine, DS and his DD are a little over a month apart in age but she is Y13 and DS Y12. She is more independent and doesn’t seem to mind her dad being gone for a few days. DS would have struggled.

Skip a head to yesterday, we were staying at my house this weekend and yesterday afternoon DS expressed he wasn’t well and asked if my partner could leave. Total non-issue he left no fuss. DS has seemed out of sorts but not really ill as such. Today he decided to stay off school too.
This morning he told me he doesn’t like my “boyfriend” staying the night. He told me the reasons are that he still views this as his family home as in his dad, him and I. He said it made him uncomfortable. I asked if he would prefer I went to his every Sunday night and he said not really, he doesn’t like being home alone much. He told me he doesn’t like that things have changed. He hasn’t outright said he wants me to end the relationship but it’s clear he doesn’t want me to be with this man around him and he’s my son so that makes it very difficult!!
I’m now thinking I need to end the relationship which is actually really upsetting; I do love him (although this is a relatively new feeling and of course I love my son more). I’ve found opening myself up to someone new really difficult and we have so much in common and he is a genuinely good lovely man. I tried so hard to approach this gently with DS, didn’t force him to do anything, didn’t rush in etc.
Partially thinking I need to wait until DS has moved out, he doesn’t plan to go to uni, but wants an apprenticeship which is local, so he would be at home for a bit longer then and I worry that if I got into a relationship just as he moved out he’d feel pushed away.
I’m feeling a little conflicted as while DS is my priority, I’ve really enjoyed this relationship and worry If not now - when?
I know realistically I just have to end things, DS comes first, but AIBU to be wondering if there is a way around this, that allows me to prioritise DS and have a life of my own?

The hard part with grief I think, is that you experience it afresh with every step change of life going on without your loved one in it.

As a young person, it is said, that you go through the raw grief of the loss of a parent multiple times, each time you reach an age and stage where your parent would have played a key role. As you mature and you reach a point where that relationship would have evolved and adapted. The grief hits you again. Like when you realise he won't be congratulated you on your GCSEs, be at your 18th, your wedding etc etc

And, maybe he's realised he would have been getting to know his dad differently.
I imagine having this guy around perhaps shows him the kind of connection the one with his dad would have become if things were different, as he will be recognising relating to him in a different way, and of course that hurts.

I think as adults we have the life experience to know that this is all part of it, and we can't escape the pain, in fact it's best not to, but more likely to lead to be healthy and better reconciling to life with it, if you don't try. I can imagine a young person could easily identify the source of pain as this external person and just want it to go away.

I think some guidance to help move through this latest version of a deep grief would be helpful. Because of course, whilst we need to respect the fact that your home still feels like his dad's family home and he doesn't want to move on from that, or begin to feel like this other guy belongs there at the expense of it feeling like his dad's... at the same time, life moving on without his dad is both hideous and inevitable.

Some careful, respectful navigating through this to balance all the very complicated and understandable emotions with some (no doubt painful) moving on, is needed I think.

Good luck, but I think gentle discussion, mutual respect, perhaps counselling is what's needed rather than outright ending the relationship.

Please do not end this relationship, there is no need for that to happen. Your Son is 17 and has his whole life ahead of him. You would not be doing him any favours by ending it, you would be telling your son that this wishes are more important than yours and that is not something he needs to believe going forward into any relationships of his own.
You need to listen to each other and discuss how you forge a path forward but make sure he knows you are not bowing down to his demands.

You sound like a very sensitive, loving mother and of course are distressed your son is unhappy. However, you have found love and comfort with a loving and kind man. Don’t let your understandable desire to be there for your son stop you from having life and feelings of your own. It’s unfair of him to dictate to you that his home is his dad, him and you. It’s been 6 years and while his feelings are his feelings, it’s not right he should blackmail his mother into dropping all her life because he doesn’t feel you should have one. I would have a conversation with him and tell him gently that you both suffered a huge sadness in your lives but to live your life longing for his dad will not bring him back. Tell him you have the right to a new relationship. Tell him that when you’ve had a loving marriage, people miss the comfort and companionship a good relationship brings and you have mourned long enough. Suggest he goes for counselling to help him accept the loss of his dad. I know it’s hard-I lost my mum at 14 and my dad at 18-neither of them would have wanted me to spend all my life grieving. You deserve your lovely man.

No one could accuse you of rushing things and no, I wouldn't suggest you ending the relationship but you are entitled to feel happiness and enjoy companionship. I think you need to reassure your son that his father will never be replaced in your heart and that he will not be pushed to the side either. I feel there could be a lovely outcome for all of you with time and patience.

Yabu

no need to end this.

don’t give your DS the power to decide if you are allowed to date/have a boyfriend. It’s not good for him, and not good for you.

maybe you need to tiptoe around him a bit less. Imagine you had a new job he did not like, it would not be his business.

you have bed. Very sensible and slow, this guy has not randomly moved in. I think you have to be clear that you are not asking your DS permission to have a boyfriend

you and your DS need to start giving eachother a bit more space.

change happens. Your DS may well start dating himself. You would not stop him, would you?

sorry but your DS is unreasonable

Maybe your son needs grief counselling now to help him with moving on? I don’t think you should give up on your own happiness and I would urge you not to end the relationship, it sounds like you’ve all been through a lot. Sending love to you

No! He doesn't get to decide.

I agree with all the replies on here. You can't allow your (nearly adult) son to dictate to you. You taken things slowly and have been nothing but respectful to his feelings.

I know it's not the same (my ex husband didn't pass away) but I Don't live with my partner for the same reasons (they didn't want to live with anyone) but as they have become adults I stay there occasionally. It's been a slow thing- we are 14 years in- but they took my divorce badly and didn't want to share with anyone or other children (they are autistic)

I honestly think your son can suggest you Don't share the home but not prevent you from going to partners house to stay. It's a compromise surely? And he is old enough to understand and want you to be happy.

I was waiting for the bit where something awful was revealed about this man that cancelled out all the lovely wonderful things about him. No you shouldn't end the relationship. Your son might need support like counselling now he's older to process unresolved feelings. But these will come up in life, work, his own relationships etc and he needs coping skills. You've been incredibly thoughtful and taken the relationship slowly. You are entitled to a life too, hard as it is for everyone. I wonder if he's noticing the change with the relationship progressing and can't cope with that plus being a teenager is often rubbish. But don't let it make you throw away a relationship you'll come to regret in the future. How is he coping overall?

Could your brother maybe speak to him? Ask your ds what he would be comfortable with, explaining you want to continue the relationship and you need time together in order to do so. At 17 he’s old enough to see his mum as a person outside of his mum.

I think it's probably exactly what he says..... it was ok as a concept, but him actually staying here feels like he's stepped into the space that was preserved in his mind for his dad. Probably you guys are in the same bedroom as you were etc?

I agree with everybody- absolutely don't end the relationship- but also don't ignore his feelings. He is basically telling you he has unprocessed grief. Can you offer him support getting therapy? Also, are there things you can do to mix it up? Eg ask him if he'd feel differently if it were a different house? (Not saying you should move, but it would identify clearer the problem). See if there is anything possible around swapping rooms etc, or any sensitivities around eg photographs that would make it feel different for him. (Lots of little things can make these things feel more difficult... eg photo of dad having been removed from bedroom, or the opposite- photo of him there, like he's needing to watch things....). Grief can attach to multiple ideas/things.

Also, I'd be fairly strict with the 'not being alone' thing. He's 17. That feels like it may be more that he struggles with the idea of you having sex with another man, at all... nothing to do with the house. He doesn't get to choose/ control to that extent. He could potentially be offered the choice of where you stay, for an explicitly limited time..... if his feelings about the house aren't strong enough to overcome his feelings of being alone, then they definitely aren't strong enough to warrant you making a major life sacrifice!

So, in summary- curious and compassionate about the feelings he is having- and indeed kudos to him for naming them in a civilised way, rather that enacting done aggressive psychodrama...but identify them as difficult feelings that he needs to own, and work through, because clearly it's not acceptable or reasonable for you to be alone for the rest of your life (and he hopefully knows that his lovely dad would never have wanted that...)

Don't get into a whole guilt thing and let him control you....

So he's fine to agree never to bring a girlfriend back home and to never leave you alone when you're old and lonely?

No. Didn't think so.

Your children come first when they are poor defenceless babies.

I'm not at all sure it would be good for either of you for you to let his needs trump yours right now on this.

No don't end it. Talk to ds and some of poster's here have good ways to express your side.

If you and bf are meeting every weekend then I would do one weekend at your house and thn one at bf house. Explain the rota to ds.

Perhaps once a week you could do something to remember your husband and his dad, just the two of you.

I wonder if he’s a bit frightened and thinks he is losing you too? He probably has some big feelings going on but can’t quite express them. Be gentle and kind but don’t give up on your chance of happiness.

Not every 18 year old goes away to "uni" you know.

I misread this and thought your dh has died 2 years ago, and I would probably think your son had a point in that case. But 6 years - when would the right time for him be?
I do think if you are together every weekend he might just get a bit fed up, so I think taking it slower (but not splitting up) would be my way forward. You've both been through a lot.

I agree that you shouldn't split up. You've been dealt such a tough hand and your love for your son and your late husband shine through your post. You absolutely deserve to be in a loving relationship and you've already had enough heartbreak to last anyone a lifetime.

It's true that 17 is almost an adult but it's also a sensitive age. With big changes on the horizon he might really be missing his dad. If he was 11 at the time he's been in they same school with the same peers since the death of his dad. He might be feeling extra unsettled with a final year of school coming up and your relationship evolving. He also might perceive it as you "moving on" from his dad and your family together (which of course isn't the case, but teenagers don't always have nuance). I think that perhaps keeping the relationship out of his limelight for the next year might be the best option. The jump from 17 to 18 is massive. Very soon he will be dating himself and wanting to spend the weekends with his own girlfriend or friends. Perhaps dial back down to every other weekend at yours, and hold out for next year to ramp it back up again.

Has your son ever had a relationship? I'm thinking once he is dating someone he will probably love the time alone in the house when you're out, I think at the moment he sounds like he's wrapped up in it just being you and him but it's healthy for him to start becoming more independent.

I agree with the majority - it's great that you're prioritising your DS but I think
a) with the age he is (nearly an adult himself),
b) that it's been 6 years
c) the slow speed you've taken it
all make it completely different to the scenarios of people who move in a new partner within less than a year of prior relationship ending and expect young children to welcome a blended family, which is usually where criticism comes from.

You could try discussing with him again i.e. 'Is it this particular guy you have a problem with?' If not, do you think I should never date anyone else again and be alone for the rest of my life? It will be hard to answer that without realising how selfish he sounds. By all means perhaps give him some choices, i.e. if he's really unhappy with the guy coming to your house say you'll stay over his more often, but that's all - if one thing makes him particularly uncomfortable you'll do an alternative, not stop seeing him completely. If he doesn't like being in the house alone overnight (a bit odd for a nearly 18 year old) he can stay with a friend, or come with you to visit your partner.

realistically he could be in a completely different place in a year himself - even if he doesn't move away to uni he could get a girlfriend he's always out with/want to move in with friends etc.

Might be difficult as he assosiates your boyfriend with the grief counsiling & the loss of his father if you havnt really dated/had relationships outside of that.

Also with a new stepfather/stepmother there's sometimes a bit of spoiling going on at least until things are established but it sounds as though there's more trauma/emotional support being provided here which is not really what any teenager wants.

You definitely deserve to be happy & loved as a person but maybe if your ready to start the process again widening the net at least for the first couple of years before settling into a new relationship would also give your son time to process it & also meet new people with you.

At 17 I had a PT job, lots of hobbies & a great social life whilst doing A Levels

I spent little time at home

I started going on holiday with my friends at 17 too

What does your DS do outside his studies ?

I am sorry for your loss. I hope that you will continue your relationship, you deserve happiness & kind people are hard to find

You need to think about your future, you deserve to be happy. I think it’s natural for a 17year old not wanting a man to have sex with their mum, I’d maybe see how it goes it might just take your DS some getting used to.

If your son was little I’d probably have said end it but after 6 years and at 17- absolutely not. He needs to learn to accept that you are an adult with your own needs and he can’t dictate your relationships.

I agree

If this man had been unpleasant in some way that would be different, but it sounds as if he just "doesn't want things to change" and with the loss of your DH - which I'm very sorry to hear about - it's sadly already happened

This is such a tricky situation and I really feel for your DS & you as well. I think you need to sit down and talk to him. Tell him that you would never of chosen another man over his dad given the choice but that decision was taken away from you. That you love him more than anything else in the entire world and you will always put him first, but that this man is kind to you and you have grown to love him in this new, unwelcome world you have both been thrown into.

Tell him his dad will always be the love of your life and he will always be the closest thing you have to his dad and that you love and respect him but that you both have to try and continue to live. All the best!