Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What happens when u don’t have a “village” to raise children

288 replies

WhatsMyUsername89 · 05/02/2024 08:31

I appreciate I’m going to sound like a moany old witch, but I just need an area to vent.

we have DD - 2yo, both sets of grandparents live 8-10 min drive away.

I work 3 days a week, however have compressed 4 days worth of work into these hours. So work 11hr days 8:30-7:30.

the other 2 days in the week I have DD!

Last week DD had Hand Foot & Mouth so I had to take days off work, I agreed this with DH because I earn considerably less the financial hit of me taking time off is less than if he did.

I’ve been booked into having a very painful wisdom tooth removed today (last minute appointment) but I have to work. I had so much time off last week I feel cheeky saying I need MORE time off for this.
But I can’t change it to the days I don’t work???? Because I can’t take my 2 year old.

we have no help from family at all, despite both sets of grandparents (neither work) always saying “we will help out always” but funnily when we ask they always have a reason why they can’t.

DH works long hours & is the main earner, we have found with the way things are going in terms of cost of living we can’t afford him taking time off.

so I just feel so stuck, I hear of friends saying “oh my mum/dad/sibling had my child so I can get nails done” and I feel so envious, I can’t even get any support for getting to a doctors/dentist appointment. (I’m very happy for my friends that they are surrounded by helpful - but I feel jealous)

How on earth do you get anything done when you have NO help.

also even if I had this bloody tooth out I’m going to be in pain for days while looking after a toddler and trying to work.

i feel so fed up, but also feel like such a little cow moaning about something that is SUCH a blessing. I’m blessed to have a job, have a beautiful Daughter, a loving husband & access to healthcare.

About I’m frustrated :(

OP posts:
NatMoz · 05/02/2024 08:35

Are you me? I work 3 days which are 4 days compressed. We don't have much grandparent help. My parents may help in an emergency but definitely not for social reasons as they didn't go out for 12 years after i was born and therefore neither should i!

Husband's dad not a chance.

How do we cope? Muddle through and take special leave mostly

Pottedpalm · 05/02/2024 08:35

What you mean is ‘my parents, in-laws should be helping’. There have been many threads on this recently.
If you don’t have a village you do it yourself/ pay people .

Octavia64 · 05/02/2024 08:36

I didn't have a village because my dad had cancer on and off for most of my kids early years and my mum was his carer.

The in laws didn't do much.

You need to build your own village. Find some mums near you - through NCT groups or toddler groups. Helps to have someone you can share the experience with. We also joined a babysitting circle so we got the odd night out and someone to cover emergencies.

Needmorelego · 05/02/2024 08:38

You hire a babysitter.
You make friends with other parents and help each other out.
You make friends with your neighbours and help each other out.
That's "a village".

Strictlymad · 05/02/2024 08:38

I hear you, we have no family within two hours. We have a 5 year old and 1 year old who has multiple health issues. Somehow we muddle through,I yes I do get fed up and rant when I hear of friends who’s mum came over to look after their child while they washed their hair!!! While I’ve been alone in hospital for 3 days with no clean undies while my dh wfh, runs my business and looks after the house and dd. We’ve been out once in 5 years, but as much as I moan and rant in some ways I’m proud, I have to find the silver lining or I’ll go mad! We have managed, got through it and are a strong family unit because of it. But blimey we are exhausted! 😅

OopsOutnumbered123 · 05/02/2024 08:38

Can you book your daughter into nursery for the full week the week you have your wisdom teeth done?

Original poster
WhatsMyUsername89 · 05/02/2024 08:39

Pottedpalm · 05/02/2024 08:35

What you mean is ‘my parents, in-laws should be helping’. There have been many threads on this recently.
If you don’t have a village you do it yourself/ pay people .

we do do it ourselves, we do pay people. But how do you account for these one off things?

I don’t think anyone SHOULD help me, me having a child is entirely my responsibility. However I can’t imagine seeing my daughter/ future son in law struggling when I have the capabilities to help out.

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 05/02/2024 08:39

It’s not easy but manageable. I raised 2 kids with no local help, and their dad worked away for 7yrs during their childhood (they are 19 and 16 now). I also had a serious illness which required frequent admission to hospital for a procedure which then 50% of the time kicked off a potentially life threatening acute illness. This was incredibly tough to manage as I had to get back to it most of the time way earlier than I should and would have to look after kids very unwell. I managed though, aswell as continuing my career, I guess when you know there’s no family nearby you do become more resilient. Taking time off for sick kids was a nightmare at first, especially when mine both needed 5wks off on public health grounds when they were 5 and 2, and I’d just started in a new team. So yeah there’s no doubt it’s tough, but I’ve raised two smart, driven and polite teens, and I’m proud to say I largely did that on my own. Not doubting it’s tough though

Original poster
WhatsMyUsername89 · 05/02/2024 08:40

Strictlymad · 05/02/2024 08:38

I hear you, we have no family within two hours. We have a 5 year old and 1 year old who has multiple health issues. Somehow we muddle through,I yes I do get fed up and rant when I hear of friends who’s mum came over to look after their child while they washed their hair!!! While I’ve been alone in hospital for 3 days with no clean undies while my dh wfh, runs my business and looks after the house and dd. We’ve been out once in 5 years, but as much as I moan and rant in some ways I’m proud, I have to find the silver lining or I’ll go mad! We have managed, got through it and are a strong family unit because of it. But blimey we are exhausted! 😅

Thank you for this. You are right, you should be proud. Raising children is hard!!!! Well done for smashing it x x x

OP posts:
Wictc · 05/02/2024 08:41

Our families live a few hours drive away. I’ve not really given it much thought. Can you increase the nursery days? We both work full time so it helps that we have full days childcare. Maybe have a look for more paid help?

Busymomof3 · 05/02/2024 08:42

Hiya

This is hard for sure.
Is there a creche in your local area?
Could you book your DD for the 2 days your off?
When i had my second child there was only 20 mths between DD and DS.
As a single mom I needed more support so I got my DS in just for the 2 days. You could opt for mornings and you would get things done that you need.
Is your DD in creche when you work?

See can she go and extra day even.

Hope this helps

Original poster
WhatsMyUsername89 · 05/02/2024 08:42

I don’t think i can afford anymore paid help. My little one is in nursery 3 days a week at £76.80 a day.

OP posts:
Corondel · 05/02/2024 08:42

You pay for childcare, or swap childcare with friends for emergency one-offs. When we had DS, we lived in a different country to all family, and when he was a few months old, we moved to a different part of the UK to work, and knew no one. Literally every minute one of us wasn’t with DS was paid for until he went to school.

sagalooshoe · 05/02/2024 08:44

You just have to muddle through and get the time off work. It is a tricky couple of years until they are in school 5 days a week - then things ease up a bit. Unless you have more babies of course!

safetyfreak · 05/02/2024 08:45

Sounds very similar to me.

Funny enough, both set of grandparents had help from their parents when they had young children but are not willing, to return the favour to their own grandkids.

A selfish generation.

Newgirls · 05/02/2024 08:45

Your dh could work from home? Does he ever take time off to allow you to go to dentist? I’m sure his company would cope.

Nannyfannybanny · 05/02/2024 08:45

I have provided childcare for 3 of my 4 (he doesn't have any) for 30 years, plus working nights myself. So I find this unusual, but people are different. If it's any consolation,DH had several wisdom teeth extracted at the same time,as did my son with no kids (he has rapid cycle bipolar) DH had swelling, but both reported little after pain.

Newgirls · 05/02/2024 08:46

Could you ask a parent what day they can do and book your appt then? To fit with them?

Octavia64 · 05/02/2024 08:46

You say you can't imagine leaving your daughter to struggle.

I had to build my own village as my dad was ill and in laws were hours away.

I will help my kids when they have kids. I have already given them house deposits.

But mine as teens spent years shouting at me and saying I hate you and throwing tantrums and slamming doors. It does weaken the bond.😀

Sunflower8848 · 05/02/2024 08:47

It gets a lot easier when they start school. And then when they start secondary you never see them again 😂 I was in similar position to you OP, I found a group of single parent mums and we would help each other out, it’s the only way.

user1492757084 · 05/02/2024 08:47

Your parents are within access to help with looking after a child while you have a dental appointment.
Speak to them and give them a lot of notice. Ask whether they could to go to your house or be at the dentist etc. Let them influence how they can best manage your child for that short time. Become aware of the days your parents have regular committments.
We like to look after our grandchildren together and in their home or out with the pushchair in a nice playground or coffee shop.
If they agree, remind them again a week before hand and then the day before.
For an emergency dental appointment you just have to take the leave if your parents can't assist.

Meadowfinch · 05/02/2024 08:47

You book appointments that work for you if possible.
You plan every scrap of time in advance
You pair up with other mums and swap care.
You get to know all the local babysitters
You change job for one with an understanding boss
You choose a job close to the school/nursery
You cope with stuff as best you can.

I've been on my own since ds was two. I work full time and my mum died before ds was born. No family locally. In the intervening years I've had BC, surgery, chemo, radio, and I travel for work. It's stressful but there is always a way....you just have to find it.

Testina · 05/02/2024 08:48

It’s clear that you don’t feel entitled to help, just disappointed. I asked PIL once to have an easy 4yo for the afternoon when I had exhausted other options. Like yours, they were often saying they’d have her any time. Retired MIL refused because it was the the afternoon she always had her shampoo and set done. The small child friendly hairdresser, about whom she was always saying, “I always tell her about 4yo, she’d love to see her!” Even if that’s polite bullshit, no hairdresser wouldn’t accommodate the quiet grandchild of a high tipping weekly client of years 🙄

In this case, I’d suggest that you put them on the spot and ask anyway, because you never know - noting ventured, nothing gained.

I’d also think twice about Mr Big Job never being the one to take leave. He doesn’t sound self employed - so he can take leave when you really can’t make it work and it’s urgent.

Butterdishy · 05/02/2024 08:48

You build your own village. My parents aren't interested, DHs mum is contintents away. Babysitters, childminders, friends, other parents from school/nursery. I still get jealous of those with willing help, and they don't quite seem to "get it", but there's no use pining for something I don't have.

WarningOfGails · 05/02/2024 08:48

You make friends and help each other out. That’s the village. I looked after a friend’s 18m old for an hour while she went to the dentist the other day, she’ll pick up my 8 year old for me next time I’m caught late at work, you just need a few friends who you can ask (and the key is they can ask you too!) & you’ll feel you’ve got the village.