What happens when u don’t have a “village” to raise children

[WhatsMyUsername89]

I appreciate I’m going to sound like a moany old witch, but I just need an area to vent.

we have DD - 2yo, both sets of grandparents live 8-10 min drive away.

I work 3 days a week, however have compressed 4 days worth of work into these hours. So work 11hr days 8:30-7:30.

the other 2 days in the week I have DD!

Last week DD had Hand Foot & Mouth so I had to take days off work, I agreed this with DH because I earn considerably less the financial hit of me taking time off is less than if he did.

I’ve been booked into having a very painful wisdom tooth removed today (last minute appointment) but I have to work. I had so much time off last week I feel cheeky saying I need MORE time off for this.
But I can’t change it to the days I don’t work???? Because I can’t take my 2 year old.

we have no help from family at all, despite both sets of grandparents (neither work) always saying “we will help out always” but funnily when we ask they always have a reason why they can’t.

DH works long hours & is the main earner, we have found with the way things are going in terms of cost of living we can’t afford him taking time off.

so I just feel so stuck, I hear of friends saying “oh my mum/dad/sibling had my child so I can get nails done” and I feel so envious, I can’t even get any support for getting to a doctors/dentist appointment. (I’m very happy for my friends that they are surrounded by helpful - but I feel jealous)

How on earth do you get anything done when you have NO help.

also even if I had this bloody tooth out I’m going to be in pain for days while looking after a toddler and trying to work.

i feel so fed up, but also feel like such a little cow moaning about something that is SUCH a blessing. I’m blessed to have a job, have a beautiful Daughter, a loving husband & access to healthcare.

About I’m frustrated :(

I can absolutely empathise. We are in a similar situation.

Locally, we have one set of grandparents - approx 15 minute drive from us. One works full time, the other is retired.
Prior to retirement, the fact they worked full time was always the reason they couldn't really help. At best, they might babysit for one evening every 6 weeks or so (only once our child hit age 2/3 - prior to that I recall only 2 evenings they watched him).
Since one of them retired, I thought there would be more involvement. For a very brief period there was and I was very grateful - my son had to be off school for a full week and the retired grandparent thankfully had him. We gave them a box of chocolates, a bottle of wine and flowers in thanks. However, with the exception of that one incident, they have offered help even less than before. They've babysat our child only once in the last two months. I've been ill myself, as has my husband, and we thought an offer might come to let us both rest to recover but it didn't. I even asked if they could have him one night; I was told they'd think about it and then nothing was ever said again lol.

I suspect some people are just like that.
I try hard not to compare to my colleagues who have grandparents who watch the children regularly during the week when they work or overnight once a week etc. I realise we will never be in that position ourselves.

Could you try to organise the dental appointment for the a Friday (assuming your partner has weekends off)? If your partner could take the day off, you would also have them around for the days following it to help with the child/ren.

I have ended up using childcare when not at work in the past - either nursery/preschool when my son was little (costing upwards of £50 for the day) so that I could attend medical appointments etc without him. Now, I try to do the same but with kids club things - thankfully a more reasonable £15-20 a day, as he is 5.

Which children have you been a village for OP?
Loads of parents say they want a village for their children but never contributed anything to others. Not all, but plenty.

Don't compare to other people who get help just work around it.
Grandparent lives around the corner and rarely offers help.
It is frustrating but I've learnt to get on without it plus its their loss that Grandchildren are not particularly close to them due to it.

My parents are over 200 miles away and my IL about half that. They couldn't baby sit unless they happened to be staying.

What I did miss was the easy "oh I'm going to be running late, can you grab the children, please" which people with local grandparents had. And I'm sure my dm if she'd lived 10 minutes away would have more than happily picked them up for tea one day a week.

But what you do is you network. You baby sit, they return the favour. I had a number of parents for whom we all could say to each other"I've got an appointment, can you take dc for an hour or so". The main thing was that we had an agreement that we said no, if we didn't want to. We always said that the answer "no," needed no explanation, and it could be simply that we didn't want to that day. And I never was stuck. But you have to put in at the beginning to get things going, because people don't want to find that you always take, never give. And there were times where one person did a lot of taking, but it was never resented, because we knew that was their current situation, and they would give when they could.

To me that's far more what "takes a village" is about that grandparents doing it. If it was grandparents, then the expression would be "takes a family, surely?"

This. It has to be reciprocal. I've made a concerted effort this year as my own kids have got older to actively offer help/babysitting/pick ups and it's paid off. Of course some people will take the piss, but most repay the favour.

I second babysitting networks. I had one with other immigrants whose families were thousands of miles away.

My own mum had no help with her DC because she was one of 8 and her mum was too busy!

I wholeheartedly disagree with this. My child’s father is absolutely NOT the issue.

He works very hard, long hours. He works a trade so can’t work from home. He will always offer to not work when DD is unwell and off from nursery, but financially it does not make sense.

Since having our child, our mortgage has more or less doubled, all other bills increased, add on nursery fees and to add I’ve dropped hours.

our income has decreased but our outgoings have sky rocketed.

My husband’s responsibility is to provide financial support so we can keep our home, eat & put our child in clothes.

He could take annual leave; which he does, however he as a human being needs to be able to take annual leave for his own mental health and having a break as well as supporting me.

Do your parents/PIL have smart phones?
I'm a bit devious but I would set up a group and call it grandparents emergency group.

When you have an emergency, message the group with the information. And see if this changes anything? Do it as a once off.
If neither respond then distance yourself.

Also bear in mind not before long they will be the ones needing help. You will have a list of your requests for help yo look back on before making your decision to help.

You kind of get on with life? One grandmother lives 8+ hrs away and the other one lives across an ocean. No other relatives around..

The whole generation? Really?
And yet stats show grandparents do lots of care...

So manipulate them then?
There were interesting replies on a post the other day when it seemed like older parents were contacting their adult child with false emergencies.

i think this situation I am in motivates me to help others. We are around many people who do have their own village, so don’t really need us.

However have family members who live 2hrs away who we have had their children for so they can have a night off.

we also dog sit for many friends, however appreciate they may not want to reciprocate by looking after a toddler!!! - but wouldn’t want anyone to feel stuck.

I hear you. Occasionally, my DM would agree to help, but then, for example, I got ready to go to the breast clinic and she rang to let me know that she'd decided to go out with a friend for lunch instead so I strapped both DS, under 3, into the double buggy, packed some snacks and took them with me. Everyone in the waiting room thought it was hilarious when ds1 asked loudly, "So is your poorly boob okay now, Mummy?" while I wanted the ground to swallow me up! When my DH sadly died, DM arrived in the early days to find me in tears at the door. She said, "Oh dear! I'll come back another time." All I needed was a hug and 10 minutes of not being in sole charge of a 5 and 3 year old. I have since moved away, made my own village and find I'm less annoyed with her for not helping now that she actually isn't close enough to do so.

Our families both live in a different country so it’s just never been an option for us.

We pay for babysitters and use childcare and DH and I tag team. We both work full time. I’ve never struggled to do the things I want to do - it just takes organisation.

When you have kids annual leave isn't just for fun. Nor is time off to parent his child "supporting you".

Do ask the family members and the ones you dogsat for. You never know. This is a one off anyway.

I don't think manipulating and punishing my parents for not being at my beck and call is how I want to live my life.

We are in a similar position. We have literally zero help from anyone. Nobody to pick up from nursery or school, no GP or wider family childcare available or anything like that.

My DH and I both WFH which allows us to do a lot of the necessary tasks around our work although I have been known to taken my baby/toddler to a dental appointment with me because I had no childcare.

We pay for help and muddle through with the rest.

When DS starts school we’ll both look to amend working patterns to help cover school holidays as we have no other alternative other than holiday clubs which I don’t want DS to have to attend virtually FT which would be the case under our current working arrangements.

When did I say annual leave was just for fun?
I didn’t. I said my husband takes annual leave to support me and DD. However he also needs time to rest, otherwise he’ll be run down and eventually reach a burnout.

Did you say the grandparents live a 10 min drive away?

Can you approach them and ask them to look after DC on one of your days off so you can have your medical procedure. Explain you had time off for illness and can’t ask for more time off.

In this very specific scenario, most people would help out.

And longer term, start networking now. Start by offering help to others. This is where it starts. You don’t wait until you have a crisis i to ask for the first favour from someone you’ve never helped. Find other parents nearby who dont have much help. Invite their kids to play. Chat to them in the playground. When someone offers a tricky situation they find themselves in, offer to help if you can - even if you’d rather not. The thing about ‘villages’ is people out themselves out for others and make sacrifices, helping even when they’d rather not.

Get to know people. Join the PTA, chat in the playground, get there a bit early so you can do that, have a birthday party and chat to people. Be friendly and helpful. Once you’ve done that and helped, the network appears and you find you can ask for help too. But also don’t feel afraid to approach your own parents with specific requests for help when really needed and make it clear you really need that help. Many parents don’t want to do regular childcare - fair enough. Many won’t be offering to take the kids while you get your nails done. But lots would help if you had a medical appointment and you make clear this is for a very specific thing and you can give them some warning.

He could take annual leave; which he does, however he as a human being needs to be able to take annual leave for his own mental health and having a break as well as supporting me.

The reality is that most parents don't get to do this.

How much annual leave do you get for your own mental health/having a break?

We take 3-4 days a year when the kids are in school for this and I think that's a lot more than most people

I don't have any family and DP doesn't have any one that can help for various reasons. DD is now 9 so we've muddled through for a long time now, that's really all you can do. I use annual leave plus unpaid days. Thankfully we have a system at work where I can work my lunch hour to pay for time I need to have eg I need to leave an hour early for parents evening so I'm working an hour lunch to pay for that. It can be a long slog if I need an afternoon off though. School holidays are a big issue, we can't use childcare as you need to pay in advance for the set days but as DP is self employed we're never sure when he's working until last minute. This also works for us though as sometimes when I'm supposed to have the days off his next job will be delayed so he ends up having it off instead. It's hard and we muddle but it's not forever.

And longer term, start networking now. Start by offering help to others. This is where it starts. You don’t wait until you have a crisis i to ask for the first favour from someone you’ve never helped. Find other parents nearby who dont have much help. Invite their kids to play. Chat to them in the playground. When someone offers a tricky situation they find themselves in, offer to help if you can - even if you’d rather not. The thing about ‘villages’ is people out themselves out for others and make sacrifices, helping even when they’d rather not.

Agree with all of this, though OP appears to have made a start by dog sitting.

My husband’s responsibility is to provide financial support so we can keep our home, eat & put our child in clothes.

All the fathers I know work to support their families. They also bear some responsibility for caring for their children, because it is not 1954.

In the few cases I know where the husband works ridiculous hours and this is genuinely unavoidable, the wife doesn't work or works minimally, or they have a nanny.

"The Village" is not instead of parents, it is as well as parents. It will never compensate for a situation where one parent is fully absent from childcare responsibilities.

Where is DD on your work days? If she goes to a childminder or a nursery can you ask if she could attend an extra day on week due to your medical emergency?

If she goes to grandparents, then you have to admit, they are doing their share. If not, I feel your frustration. We had grandparents nearby who were never actually free when we needed them. I think on occasions like this - a crisis, you need to be really bold with them. Book the tooth appointment for your day off, not your work day and then tell them it is a medical emergency and you really need them to step up and care for her for this half day, even if they choose to come with you to the surgery and just entertain her in the waiting room while you are with the dentist then hand her back as you come out.

Longer term, you need to put effort into building that village. You need to make mum friends and foster excellent relationships with good neighbours, create a babysitting circle, find reliable paid babysitters so you always have someone to call on in a crisis. I had a great babysitting circle and a couple of reliable mum friends. Later, when DC were older, I helped out our next door neighbour with her baby. Make your village if family are useless.