What happens when u don’t have a “village” to raise children

[WhatsMyUsername89]

I appreciate I’m going to sound like a moany old witch, but I just need an area to vent.

we have DD - 2yo, both sets of grandparents live 8-10 min drive away.

I work 3 days a week, however have compressed 4 days worth of work into these hours. So work 11hr days 8:30-7:30.

the other 2 days in the week I have DD!

Last week DD had Hand Foot & Mouth so I had to take days off work, I agreed this with DH because I earn considerably less the financial hit of me taking time off is less than if he did.

I’ve been booked into having a very painful wisdom tooth removed today (last minute appointment) but I have to work. I had so much time off last week I feel cheeky saying I need MORE time off for this.
But I can’t change it to the days I don’t work???? Because I can’t take my 2 year old.

we have no help from family at all, despite both sets of grandparents (neither work) always saying “we will help out always” but funnily when we ask they always have a reason why they can’t.

DH works long hours & is the main earner, we have found with the way things are going in terms of cost of living we can’t afford him taking time off.

so I just feel so stuck, I hear of friends saying “oh my mum/dad/sibling had my child so I can get nails done” and I feel so envious, I can’t even get any support for getting to a doctors/dentist appointment. (I’m very happy for my friends that they are surrounded by helpful - but I feel jealous)

How on earth do you get anything done when you have NO help.

also even if I had this bloody tooth out I’m going to be in pain for days while looking after a toddler and trying to work.

i feel so fed up, but also feel like such a little cow moaning about something that is SUCH a blessing. I’m blessed to have a job, have a beautiful Daughter, a loving husband & access to healthcare.

About I’m frustrated :(

I absolutely get that it’s hard — we had DS an another country to all our family, and a work-related move when DH was made redundant when DS was a couple of months old meant we had no friends within a hundred miles until we (eventually) made new ones, in a pretty insular place. We had two FT jobs and paid for every minute of childcare, always.

But I don’t think people are doing themselves any favours by thinking that free FT childcare from grandparents is some kind of norm, and that they’re very hard-done-by and unusual if they don’t have it, whether because of distance, death, ill -health or disinclination.

‘It takes a village to raise a child’ doesn’t mean ‘free, unproblematic, all-hours family childcare’.

You may need to buy your village with a combination of paid childcare, before and afterschool clubs, afterschool activities, holiday camps etc. You may need to earn your village with reciprocal childcare, babysitting swaps etc. You may need to befriend it.

Many of which are time-consuming and take effort and/or money. I think the ‘village’ being on-tap parental childcare which is taken for granted is a Mn fantasy because it lets misanthropic posters disengage from the world outside their front door.

OP, do you think for a second your DH would ever find himself in the position where he needed a tooth out but he couldn't schedule it because you wouldn't watch your DC? Would that ever in a million years happen? No? Because you love him enough to make sure he makes it to important medical appointments? Thought so.

As a single parent I have zero sympathy for people who moan about not having a village when they have a responsible partner who should be doing this... having a tooth out isn't a luxury but having a "break" is, I'm afraid. That's the way it is with toddlers.

@WhatsMyUsername89 so what is your solution? Did you ask the grandparents and if so what did they say?

Grandparents on both sides said no. 1 had lunch plans; the other wasn’t feeling well.

So my partner (much to everyone’s shock) took the time off! - which now leaves him no more annual leave days until June. (As his company does startdate-start date)

so can only presume we will be back in this boat when the next issue arises! :)

weird response but ok.

@WhatsMyUsername89 why didn't he take it as unpaid parental leave as it was just one day.
He is (as is every parent) entitled to 13;weeks unpaid parental leave a year. It's basically designed for circumstances such as needing a day off for a spouses medical appointment.
Bit late now though....

You do it alone, you become your own eco system - I WAS the entire village with my 3 children, 1, 3, and 7 when their father left.

I did it all, no family, no GP's, no help, AND I worked and studied.

Sometimes, some perspective helps OP.

Do you wish it had been different for you?

I feel your pain. My mums incapacitated but my mil refuses to help us at all, maybe babysit my youngest once a year if we beg (then cancel at the last minute)

I’m lucky that I have close family that can help with childcare and it has meant that I’ve been able to work. However I would always pay for childcare and have family as a second option. My family have always seen themselves as guardians to my daughter.

However they have their own lives. They work. So I spent a lot of the early years of primary school making friends with parents and we help eachother out.

Also I was that parent that took my DD absolutely everywhere with me or I’d find child friendly alternatives. If I wanted to go to an event, or a show, or visit a gallery or see friends - I’d make sure she can come along. She was always well behaved and would sit quietly and I’ve been lucky to have friends that also adore her.

Agree with the mums that say that you have to make the village.

I agree with this view. If your family don't want to help build your village network. My DD lives 150 miles from me. I do go down to look after dgc if they are unwell so my DD can continue to work. Eg I went down when first 1 dgs got chicken pox then as he got better dgs 2 went down with it. I stayed 2 weeks. However during summer holidays my DD takes 2 days off and works 3 days for 3 weeks of holiday and looks after her own 2 x DC and looks after her friend 2 x DC which is hard work with 4 boys all between 5 and 8 on these 2 days off. Her friend does the same looking after all 4 on her 2 days off. It means they still have some holiday left otherwise it would all be gone.

@Needmorelego i thought you could only take unpaid parental leave a week at a time unless your child was disabled?

@Geneticsbunny no I don't think that's the case.
Unpaid parental leave is always at a managers discretion and requests can be refused though.
Edit : I just checked the government website and you are correct - it's meant to be taken in chunks of a week.
However I am sure the OPs husband could have just taken an unpaid day off (as it was for medical reasons) rather than using up an annual leave day.

I can't answer for the other two posters, but yes I feel great about myself and am having a "fab" day.
And my children are happy and successful.
Thanks for asking xxxx

I did used to just take the buggy and snacks to the dentist, for smears etc and face the dc away from the action.

I don't think anyone owes us childcare, certainly not regularly but honestly what does it mean to be a family when you can't help each other out. Surely they like spending time with their grandkids so unless they are very infirm it's not a massive chore to do the odd afternoon so you can go to the dentist. It feels like they just want the easy/ good bits of grand parenting without putting themselves out at all. It would piss me off too

It's a hard one because, yes a lot of people in the West have become much more individualistic and selfish over the last couple of decades, but this also extends to the parents themselves too.

I'm sure there are cases where parents are only interested in using grandparents for childcare in circumstances which suit the parent e.g. in emergencies or when parent is feeling overwhelmed or wants a night out, but aren't interested in facilitating the children having a relationship with the grandparent outside of this.

Or the parents have all these modern fads of so called "gentle" 🙄 type parenting i.e. no discipline for their kids,so I can imagine as a grandparent who are from a different generation, trying to look after such children, even for a few hours, would be a complete and utter nightmare and unmanageable, especially with lower energy levels as an older person.

And you dare not discipline said kids otherwise bring on the wrath of the daughter in law/daughter and all the drama that brings. So I think lots of grandparents avoid childcare for these reasons but use other excuses to cover this up as they know there's no point raising it with the child's parents. Ironically, part of the historical "village" was other people disciplining your kids.

I wonder how the grandparents will fare when you won't be able to help them (because you already have something else arranged) with shopping and doctors appointments when they can't get to them on their own. What goes around, comes around.

@Kpo58 Your attitude comes across as incredibly entitled especially as one grandparent wasnt feeling well which it clearly says in that post

Fortunately, we live in a world where taxis exist and supermarkets deliver.

@KelseyK you do realise discipline = ‘to teach’…. As in disciples. Teaching appropriate behaviours is a whole lot easier when modelling the behaviour you want - ie with a calm tone and without punishment so I’m not seeing why your eye roll is relevant 😄

I know it’s very hard. I’ve had to raise 4 children on my own having been widowed when the kids were young, 3 of them were 5 and under. I have no family on my side to help. A member of my partner’s family made life extremely difficult after his death so we moved away. No network in the new area, MIL and FIL don’t drive so no help and anyway they have their own issues. It’s been absolutely horrendous at times as some of my children have SEN as well. Somehow you get through it, they are teenagers now.

OP I feel your pain. I too often feel lacking in a village; whist I do have mum friends they couldn't look after their children plus mine except in an emergency as they are all too young. I don't understand why people feel the need to be so rude - of course other people have managed in more difficult circumstances but that doesn't mean it's not hard, or that your circumstances aren't more difficult than many others. I do think though that the reason you're getting a bit of flak here about your DH is because you're saying he needs to be protected so he can rest sometimes but you're not affording yourself the same flexibility, which implies you see yourself as the primary childcarer and less valuable. You have a 24/7 job looking after the kids, so actually he should be getting aa much or as little rest as you do. I'm not saying he's not pulling his weight, if you are comfortable that he is that's fine, but I think this is why people are fixating on him.

Sitters.com is a service we've used for last munite childcare for an hour or two reasonably priced, perhaps you could try that for your dentist appointment. I'd also call GPs out on their lack of helpfulness, if they were honest they didn't want to help that's one thing but stringing you along is unfair.

I agree.

We had a fucker of a week last week, baby had a horrible cold and we were both due to travel to different places. My husband offered to take a half day to take his share of the load, and he has a Big Important Job.

In fact, in my experience, actually Big Important Job people can and do take the flex, and it's only men who think they are Big and Important (but aren't) who play the "we can't lose my income" card.