What happens when u don’t have a “village” to raise children

[WhatsMyUsername89]

I appreciate I’m going to sound like a moany old witch, but I just need an area to vent.

we have DD - 2yo, both sets of grandparents live 8-10 min drive away.

I work 3 days a week, however have compressed 4 days worth of work into these hours. So work 11hr days 8:30-7:30.

the other 2 days in the week I have DD!

Last week DD had Hand Foot & Mouth so I had to take days off work, I agreed this with DH because I earn considerably less the financial hit of me taking time off is less than if he did.

I’ve been booked into having a very painful wisdom tooth removed today (last minute appointment) but I have to work. I had so much time off last week I feel cheeky saying I need MORE time off for this.
But I can’t change it to the days I don’t work???? Because I can’t take my 2 year old.

we have no help from family at all, despite both sets of grandparents (neither work) always saying “we will help out always” but funnily when we ask they always have a reason why they can’t.

DH works long hours & is the main earner, we have found with the way things are going in terms of cost of living we can’t afford him taking time off.

so I just feel so stuck, I hear of friends saying “oh my mum/dad/sibling had my child so I can get nails done” and I feel so envious, I can’t even get any support for getting to a doctors/dentist appointment. (I’m very happy for my friends that they are surrounded by helpful - but I feel jealous)

How on earth do you get anything done when you have NO help.

also even if I had this bloody tooth out I’m going to be in pain for days while looking after a toddler and trying to work.

i feel so fed up, but also feel like such a little cow moaning about something that is SUCH a blessing. I’m blessed to have a job, have a beautiful Daughter, a loving husband & access to healthcare.

About I’m frustrated :(

You can only ask!
I think others who seem to have support often appreciate offers of help more than you'd think. Those with helpful family nearby often don't want to ask for 'extra' when they rely on family for regular childcare, so offers of playdates, to babysit or sleepovers (when they're older) are gratefully received in my experience. There are some who are immersed in their family, it's their support network and whole social circle, but don't assume everyone with family nearby is closed off to making new friends like these people are.

Since it sounds like you're both employed rather than self employed give the references to annual leave, I don't understand why him earning more makes any difference to time off, isn't it paid either way?

we also dog sit for many friends, however appreciate they may not want to reciprocate by looking after a toddler!!! - but wouldn’t want anyone to feel stuck.

Ask them! If they say no, I'd be less willing to dog sit again.

Oh come on really. You mention your Dh's MH? It's one day, 1/2 a day actually. He still has all the other 5.6 weeks of annual leave left.

Plus what have you done so far? To fix this, from all the things posters have suggested you can put in place to resolve, have you already tried them all?

We’ve never had any sort of family help. I am NC with my family (but they live too far away anyway, thank god). MIL not able to have dc alone due to safeguarding issues (only supervised visits and I’d probably rather her not have that). It’s always just been us.

But we 100% support each other. Either of us has a medical appointment, the other does everything. Dh away to see friends, it’s all me. I go away on holiday every year, Dh has them for the week. We’re their parents. It’s our job. No matter who earns more money.

You buy a village and build a network. Paid childcare providers, friends, and also your DH.

Did you ask them to help so you could get tooth out? I would move plans (apart from work) to help my family for a medical issue causing them pain. I would be really disappointed.

I wouldn't really help for nail appointments etc (unless I was free and enjoyed babysitting), that's a weekend job/luxury and we are a very close family.

I could never build a village. No family support. Very few outsiders where I live so nobody was ever in my position.

My ex was miles away too.

I did book the childminder for extra hours but bills were much lower in those days.

Your husband needs to use annual leave to help out. My parents and in-laws didn't help us either, despite living in a 2 mile radius! It works both ways. My children aren't little anymore, I ended up caring for my mother, and now my father too. I am a little resentful that they never helped out, which led to me leaving my job in the end. But happy to receive my help now.

Two DDs here. One set of grandparents is 2 hours drive away, the others live 600 miles away. We've never had help. I work PT, DH works FT, and we use nursery and wraparound care. It's not easy, but it is what it is! DDs come with me if I have a GP appt, dentist etc. It's all they have ever known! Parents help out now and again, and we get an evening to ourselves once every few months or so. DH and I also make sure we get to spend time doing things we enjoy. I recently had a spa day while he had the DC, and he's off to football this weekend while I have the DC. It's not easy, but we make it work!

I had a wisdom tooth out last year, and ended up on antibiotics afterwards. It was painful, but I just had to get on with it! Good painkillers helped, and lots of TV for the DDs! Nothing wrong with that when you're feeling rundown, in pain etc.

The timing is unfortunate but the leave (unpaid parental?) is separate from your entitlement to sick leave for a dental procedure. Most work places appreciate if employees can try and minimise the impact of time off e.g booking an appointment at the beginning or end of the day, but should recognise that this isn't always possible.

Does your DH lose pay if he takes time off? What I mean is that sometimes you see the mother stating that the father has such a big, important job that he can't possibly take time off, when in fact it should be the case that BECAUSE he has such a big, important job he has more financial and job security and absolutely should be taking time to care for sick kids.

Tell your parents and PIL that you cannot have your tooth out without their help. Be flexible as to what the help will look like, they can look after dd at their house or your house or at the dentists etc

They will find it extremely difficult to say no if you are honest with them.

If they really won't help then you need to sort out occasional paid childcare or to nurture relationships with friends and neighbours where you help each other out regularly.

Also regardless of being the higher earner DH needs to cover half of the days taken when your dd is sick.

We have no help. Ds has to just come with us a lot.

I took him to last dental appointment, dentist was fine and said it’s normal and many babies or small children attend. Just took iPad with me, and hygienist said they could split appointment over 2 mornings if needed, but in the end Ds sat ok for 30 ish minutes.

we have kindergarten now but it’s only mornings and term time only.

No family. We have a few neighbours or friends I could leave in emergency, but I couldn’t leave him with them when he’s ill for example or longer than 2hrs.

A 'village' is far more than just the grandparents
Just shows what a daft phrase that is

I agreed this with DH because I earn considerably less the financial hit of me taking time off is less than if he did

Re: time off with kids - you need to be equal partners on this. He needs to do his share regardless of the finances now. If you always have to take time off then his career will continue as normal and yours will be fucked after a few years. Then the gap will widen further. Agree with all the comments about reciprocal favours re: babysitting etc - but the child’s father must do an equal share too.

Oh come on, he's not gonna 'burnout' because he takes a couple of hours off for you to go to the dentist.

What do you do about routine appointments/checkups?

@cardibach maybe there is but I know one of my grandparents in particular helped my parents enormously. I honestly thought of them as more of a parent to me. My own parents help one of my siblings out regularly but would rather play at being a grandparent with mine and other siblings children. They've both been retired for 15 years or more, since their mid 50s and are very fit and healthy.

My MIL has never worked and sees my eldest DC as their own personal toy to show off to their friends and was neglecting basic needs while completely ignoring youngest DCs existence. Making plans and arrangements behind our backs and undermining us deliberately. All contact was withdrawn when we wanted to make changes due to their ongoing health issues, there was a "last straw" situation. I suspect a touch of (low level) dementia (hoarding, poor judgment) but it could just be stubbornness. We're worried about them but at the same time just don't have the bandwidth to deal with their anger and coldness, not when it's being taken out on our child. It's awful because when DC1 was just born I remember thinking how lovely it was that someone else loved them just as much and in the same way as we did. That's really what the "village" means to me. Now it just seems so transactional because DC1 was completely dropped and DC2 is of no consequence at all because of just being too much for MIL- not because we want her to look after them, but just because she couldn't iykwim.

Totally hijacking the thread, sorry OP. Bit tired and emotional today.

This
sorry Op, it won’t change how youfeel that you’re being”let down “ by parents, but in reality so many mums (and dads) are in this situation.

both sets of parents lived hundreds of miles for us, as did siblings. It results in as,e thing, though admittedly it is then easier to “understand”. I made mistake once of asking my parents to take kids for a week whilst I attend3d a course overseas and my husband was also travelling with work. Course was paid for, travel booked based on them saying yes. With week to go they pulled out. I was furious as it cost my company £1000s . Didn’t make me look good. Never agian asked them to do support me with childcare.

instead I involved myself with mums and toddlers, pta or any other organisation that I could get to know local mums and make friendships . In rare emergencies i then had the “village” network to fall back on.

im retired now, and on my own. I do same thing now, join lots of things, cultivate friendships, put myself out to help others, so, that if the needs arise, I can call in favours to help me. That’s how the village thing works. Youhave to make the effort first.

We were the same gp living local but there was such a big deal about helping and talking incessantly about arrangements timings, that it was easier not to ask. You wouldn't ask them to kerp dcs for a hour unless it was booked miles in advance and you had a good reason.We have 2 dcs, 2 years apart and work fulltime.

I had a fulltime childminder, who minded lots of kids in her house. She was open 8am to 6pm, would take them if they had a cold (pre covid days).

I worked up a day a month (civil service) and used this for any appointments. I kept dcs in the minder for 5 days a week even if I was off work and needed e.g haircuts etc. If people could afford it, I would rrcommend working 4 days and putting them in childcare for 5, when yoi have no help completely.

I took 2 weeks unpaid leave when the minder closed up in the summer. I still had my annual leave to use for emergencies. Dh and I would go out separately every few months. We always had dcs in eves so no date nights.

Paying for every bit of childcare, eg. Dentist, hair, chin waxing etc, was galling, especially as others got go help so they could go to pop concerts and unnecessary things.

We are closer for it even though it was exhausting. They are teens now so still a lot of input. I work a hybrid office role so I can fit in collections easier.

My mother was 60 when I had dcs. She is 70 now and helps my sibling in their business one day a week. I think that they just don't like dealing with small dcs.

@MollyRover that sounds hideous, and it’s no wonder you are upset about it.
It’s not the generation, though. It’s those individuals. I hate generational generalisations of any sort (and of any generation), they are nonsense and deeply unfair.

No answers, but I hear you. It's not just about this one dental appointment. I think as a society we've kind of reached a sorry state of affairs where kids are seen as such a burden by grandparents.

We’re in the same position, although all our daily are hours away so would never be able to help out. It’s hard, I’m sad about it and have ranted about it a lot (my parents and inlaws moved away so wasn’t our choice to live far away), but we’ve built our lives around this.

You need to share taking days off for DC illness and other things with your DH. I know you say it’s more expensive, but it’s not fair on your work and they may end up giving you less flexibility because of it. We equally share the time off, whoever has the quietest day at work takes the time off and we switch the next day. We pay for extra nursery days if needed, pay for extra annual leave and pay for baby sitters and also share babysitting with some friends who have no nearby family either, and have friends who will take our DC in an emergency. It’s all more expensive but we knew we didn’t have family to help so made sure we could afford it all before having Dc as we knew it would be miserable with no help at all. It does suck though seeing friends get tonnes of help.

I sympathise OP. It’s hard work but you’ll get people telling you you’re entitled for wanting GPs to help out and show some interest “they’ve done their time”. I guess you either take more time off or your partner does or you ask them for help and hope this time they can?