What happens when u don’t have a “village” to raise children

[WhatsMyUsername89]

I appreciate I’m going to sound like a moany old witch, but I just need an area to vent.

we have DD - 2yo, both sets of grandparents live 8-10 min drive away.

I work 3 days a week, however have compressed 4 days worth of work into these hours. So work 11hr days 8:30-7:30.

the other 2 days in the week I have DD!

Last week DD had Hand Foot & Mouth so I had to take days off work, I agreed this with DH because I earn considerably less the financial hit of me taking time off is less than if he did.

I’ve been booked into having a very painful wisdom tooth removed today (last minute appointment) but I have to work. I had so much time off last week I feel cheeky saying I need MORE time off for this.
But I can’t change it to the days I don’t work???? Because I can’t take my 2 year old.

we have no help from family at all, despite both sets of grandparents (neither work) always saying “we will help out always” but funnily when we ask they always have a reason why they can’t.

DH works long hours & is the main earner, we have found with the way things are going in terms of cost of living we can’t afford him taking time off.

so I just feel so stuck, I hear of friends saying “oh my mum/dad/sibling had my child so I can get nails done” and I feel so envious, I can’t even get any support for getting to a doctors/dentist appointment. (I’m very happy for my friends that they are surrounded by helpful - but I feel jealous)

How on earth do you get anything done when you have NO help.

also even if I had this bloody tooth out I’m going to be in pain for days while looking after a toddler and trying to work.

i feel so fed up, but also feel like such a little cow moaning about something that is SUCH a blessing. I’m blessed to have a job, have a beautiful Daughter, a loving husband & access to healthcare.

About I’m frustrated :(

It's no big deal. You just get used to organising things between the two of you.

I work 4 days DH 5. In your case I'd probably have anticipated upcoming operation and got DH to take the days off for sick child. It's important to share things out equally. I get what you're saying about it not making financial sense but you need to think seriously if you want to be trapped in the low paid job doing 99% of the child duties.

Your DH is going to become very comfortable with you doing everything and you are going to get stuck with years of being default parent.

Can you make a change at work so you improve your earning potential? Money makes a difference because then you can pay for extra help. In your case it would be nice to pay a babysitter so you can go on date night with DH.

Don't have another child and once DD is school age switch to to 5 days but normal hours. No one appreciates compressed hours and you get seen as part time anyway. Plus you will want to spend the time with dd in the evening.

It's only a few more years and things will get easier again.

Never understood the lack of involvement from family members.

I couldn't watch a member of my family struggling to juggle everything and not offer to help. It's sad. Especially if said family members are bleating on about how they'd always help when needed but then magically can't when asked.

As for what to do, there's not much you can do really aside from muddle through.

I hope your tooth is sorted soon! Tooth pain is the worst.

Having family and having a village are totally different things.
Both our sets of parents live 3 hours drive away so can't help but I have a pretty good "village".
I made it myself. It is composed of close friends, mums from school, neighbours and people from church. I have worked really hard to make time to socialise and build relationships with these people so we can all help each other out. In all cases it started off feeling really weird but has become very natural as we have got to know each other. It involves lots of sacrifices but it is definitely worth it for the community.

This sounds shit ☹️.

I know your husband’s job is prioritised, but is it really impossible for him to cover emergencies? If you were incapacitated I presume he would take responsibility for his children?

Can you build a village? I found there were a handful of very helpful parents in primary school that were happy to help you and you help them in return.

I hope things get easier soon 💐

This is really hard, OP. No suggestions from me as I’m in a v similar situation but with an autistic child. I haven’t worked out a solution apart from massively lowering my expectations for my own life & career and just trying to suck it up un the hope that things get a bit easier as he gets older. It feels like shit but I have to hope that things will gradually improve over time.

You don’t sound moany at all. It’s really difficult feeling stressed and under-resourced, and it is hurtful when family tell you they will help and then don’t.

I had no local family and worked three days a week but although not compressed it could be demanding. I was lucky that in a push I could work from home but had to make up hours. Sometimes DH had to take time off or work from home but it was less common. I had friends who could help out when DD went to school and we also did some holiday sharing where I would have their child(ren) some days and they would have DD on others.

It is difficult at times OP.

I had absolutely no family around me when my children were younger. And then after my divorce their father moved to a different country and had no contact with them, so had sole responsibility for every single thing.

My dc came with me to work functions (pre-arranged), and on one occasion I had to take my 8 week old puppy along to A&E when a child chopped off a finger. Puppy had to stay in the car, but at least I could check on him, as opposed to all alone at home. I could not stay in hospital with my ds, due to have a younger dd (and the puppy). I never went out, as I didn't have someone to watch them, so if we did, we went together. I have on occasion, had to take children to work with me. Luckily I worked for a small family firm, but of course it was not ideal.

But somehow we muddled through. You just do, because you have to.

My dc are older now (in their 20s) and the take away for me is that we are incredibly close. I think its because we all just muddled through together.

In hindsight though, I would have asked more rather than waiting for people to offer. I never asked for help and only now do I see that as me just thinking I could cope with everything. Which wasn't the case, but I felt too proud or maybe vulnerable, to ask for help. I had neighbours, the dc had friends, there were people that could have helped me out IF I had asked.

You have help around you. Ask them for help. If they say no, well you tried that avenue and then you go to the next plan.

We were in the same position but because all family lived too far away. We did manage - but it was hard. It must be galling to have them close by and unwilling to step up - but clearly they have the right to do that, however irritating and inexplicable it might be. I am GM to 7 and jump at every chance to help them - but there is nothing you can do to change them - they are who they are.

It's so hard. Parenthood is becoming a more and more isolated thing, and you'll always be told you just have to suck it up and do it alone, and no one has to help, you're not entitled to any help - but that's such a strange attitude to me. Friends of mine sobbing with exhaustion on my shoulder because they're expected to continue working full time, keeping the home, and raising the child with no help.

I was and am very fortunate to have a large family that is much more "European" in their views on child rearing. Myself and my siblings were raised by our parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins... So was my daughter. And I in turn chip in with all my various nephews, nieces, little cousins etc. There's almost always a child in my house that isn't mine, and I'm happy to play that role for my family like they did for me. I couldn't have raised my child as well as I did without them all. It's so sad that it's seen as entitled to desire that.

Also it works both ways. You presumably don't have to help your DPs and PIL either? You havent the time!

All my friends who have a "village" repay the favours. So they might have a sister who looks after dc when they go out for the day but they do the same for her and have a house load of children overnight or say "I'm off to alton towers on my own taking my 2 dc and neice and nephew" (the horror!) Or spend ages taking parents to hospital appointments or have to attend family lunch every single weekend. Or have a house load of family over for the weekend regularly which makes loads of extra work.

Because my family all live far away they have to make their own arrangements to cover lifts to ever increasing medical appointments as they don't have dc close by. It works both ways and they cope just fine.

I had a friend with loads of family help whilst her dc were small but then moved away and were relieved as the amount of family burden decreased (a selfish way to do it but she moved for good reason and not to avoid family).

All military families live like this. Posted to bases miles away from family so no support whatsoever.

You have to pay for help, make friends and ask for/return favours or unfortunately suck it up.

Mine and DH's family all live hundreds of miles away, but we have a great support network because we put a lot of time and effort into friendships.

Can't you make friends with other parents? You work 3 days a week so you have 4 days when you could potentially be connecting with other parents and widening your network.

You sound resentful that your parents aren't helping, but it's not their job. Lots of people don't help with their grandchildren, for a million different reasons.

If you want a network of support but don't get help from family, then the answer is to befriend people who have children.

It’s hard is all I can say. We try to work together as much as possible and pay for additional childcare when needed even though it makes it tight. I’ve had to book extra childcare for hospital appointments and hair cuts before.
Since my DC have started school though I have built my own “village” of mum friends where we help each other out; obviously I couldn’t ask them to look after a sick child but a few hours here and there we do for each other and there’s something lovely in that

You build your own village and you pay for help

My family were in thr other side of the world, my then DH travelled a lot, and I hadn't lived in the area before I had DC.

Find other mums and look after each other's DC for each other. I know it's not as easy as it sounds, but this is absolutely worth the effort! Working compressed days will give you the opportunity to meet other mum's at playgroups and later, school runs.

Find some responsible teenagers who could come over to help look after the DC while you're around but getting on with other tasks. Some towns or churches have a town/parish magazine that list them. Your local priest would probably know of some.

I joined the nursery committee, cultivated friendships with parents of my DC's friends. Offered to help the other parents at their DC's birthday parties. Asked at nursery which children my DS liked, and then invited them and their mum over. "We can let the DC okay while we have a cuppa and some cake!" Get to know the parents at the sporting clubs, etc. You have to put yourself into positions where you are more likely to meet the parents.

This isn’t in accordance with the MN view, but I think that if you have both sets of grandparents within 10 mins and neither will help out when asked - continually giving random excuses, then those grandparents are quite simply bad and selfish people who aren’t valuable members of your family. And should be treated accordingly. I wouldn’t be playing happy families at Christmas with fuckers who let me writhe in pain with a tooth socket liable to bleed whilst looking after small kids. I’d be buggering off abroad for Christmas going low contact. And I’d be “busy” when they summoned me. and I wouldn’t bother phoning them or sending them pictures of the GC that they clearly can’t be bothered with.

Also it’s particularly hard when you thought you would have that support but it never quite happens.

People always say that family / grandparents are not obliged to help when we choose to have kids . But so many do help which makes the ones who don't stand out even more, and the makes it more hurtful.

I wouldn’t want to see you struggling like this if you were my daughter. I would try to rearrange whatever I was doing to help you get to the dentist as a one off. How honest are you with your Mum? Do you have a vastly different parenting style? I was just wondering what the barriers might be and if there is scope here for more help.

It's really hard. I'm a lone parent with no family nearby. Younger teen has clearly had MH issues for years so I couldn't just get other people to look after her. I couldn't make friends to help out as she couldn't cope.
When you work you don't have time to make a circle of parent friends. That's the luxury of stay at home parents with children with no SEN.

I don’t think anyone SHOULD help me, me having a child is entirely my responsibility.

Your husband. Your child's father. That is the person who should be taking a share of responsibility here. That is the problem here.

I never had any help. Me and DH worked it out together. If I was having dental work done, he worked at home that morning. If I had to go to the doctor, I took the kids with me - all of them.

Are you thinking of having any more kids OP?

OP has explained that the family can’t suck up the financial impact of that. Rather than it being a case of him being unwilling.

We were abroad when kids were small so no help. In this situation DH would take time off work/work from home. Although I would do my best to get appointments at the most convenient time like evening or early morning so that it was least disruptive for him.

Id be upset too. I live near my family now and they’d 100% watch my child for a dentist appointment. Have you actually asked your family?

I also agree, you make your own village with friends!

I am am immigrant. Never any help. I realise that is my own fault for emigrating. I relied a bit on friends but mostly went it alone. They were hard years.

I would certainly help my own daughter in the situation you describe.