What happens when u don’t have a “village” to raise children

[WhatsMyUsername89]

I appreciate I’m going to sound like a moany old witch, but I just need an area to vent.

we have DD - 2yo, both sets of grandparents live 8-10 min drive away.

I work 3 days a week, however have compressed 4 days worth of work into these hours. So work 11hr days 8:30-7:30.

the other 2 days in the week I have DD!

Last week DD had Hand Foot & Mouth so I had to take days off work, I agreed this with DH because I earn considerably less the financial hit of me taking time off is less than if he did.

I’ve been booked into having a very painful wisdom tooth removed today (last minute appointment) but I have to work. I had so much time off last week I feel cheeky saying I need MORE time off for this.
But I can’t change it to the days I don’t work???? Because I can’t take my 2 year old.

we have no help from family at all, despite both sets of grandparents (neither work) always saying “we will help out always” but funnily when we ask they always have a reason why they can’t.

DH works long hours & is the main earner, we have found with the way things are going in terms of cost of living we can’t afford him taking time off.

so I just feel so stuck, I hear of friends saying “oh my mum/dad/sibling had my child so I can get nails done” and I feel so envious, I can’t even get any support for getting to a doctors/dentist appointment. (I’m very happy for my friends that they are surrounded by helpful - but I feel jealous)

How on earth do you get anything done when you have NO help.

also even if I had this bloody tooth out I’m going to be in pain for days while looking after a toddler and trying to work.

i feel so fed up, but also feel like such a little cow moaning about something that is SUCH a blessing. I’m blessed to have a job, have a beautiful Daughter, a loving husband & access to healthcare.

About I’m frustrated :(

I actually don't accept that in this day and age. If you choose to be a parent you accept a share of the totally predictable demands of parenting. You don't have one and then say "Well obviously I can't take a day's leave when my child is sick and my wife needs surgery. Oh where is my village!".

And yes of course it is difficult when children are young, but if you set up a situation where the father is responsible for zero percent of childcare, then that is the problem.

I think in lots of ways having family nearby who don’t help is worse as you have expectations and then there is resentment. We had three kids with my parents in a different country and DH’s family a fair way away so we had to just make it work. Friends became family, we had to make work decisions around raising three children, difficult sometimes but that’s just life. DS1 now has one child, two sets of grandparents living within 15 minutes. We look after GD one day a week as do the other grandparents, we probably do an overnight once a month, I suspect DIL’s parents do more. There will never be a time when between us we can’t cover last minute childcare or a social event they want to go to. Just different circumstances.

Try all of the above but x 4 children and no DH.

You just deal with it. It does get easier, promise!

I'm a lone parent with no partner and very little family help. I just had to take DS with me to things like dentist appointments. I had no other choice.

Our parents and relatives lived at least 250 miles away with many overseas.

So we did some childcare swapping. DH had some flexible working as well which was the main reason we managed to make it work plus chucking money at childcare.

I would ring and ask both sets of grandparents as you have a specific time. It’s a bit like any arrangement is it’s a bit wishy washy and you do not get a date it falls by the wayside. Just ask.

This is a big reason lots of people stop at one child. Us included. No 'village' at all, parents are all unavailable for various reasons and there is nobody in our life who could watch our child other than in an absolute emergency (and I am very grateful to have local friends for that!).

Ideally, if you have time to plan a child, you try wait until you're in a job that is forgiving/flexible of things like this. DH and I both get three days carer leave per year which is great, and then we can use annual leave if necessary, and eventually unpaid leave if it comes to it.

I spaced out my DC by 4 years. So the older one was in school and I only had one to deal with. Not possible for everyone.

Do the GPs work? We both work full time and I would have trouble providing childcare if DD, 23, had DC now. By the time she does, I hope to be part time and DH will be retired.

We have no family nearby, it's fine. Your DH needs to pull his weight. If he's employed then he takes annual leave to cover your dental appointment and half the sick days that fall on your working days. If he's self employed then he organises his diary around your dental appointment that day.

How many women do you know whose jobs are far too important for them to care for their sick child? It's always men who couldn't possibly take the time but actually I bet 99% of them could make it work if they tried, they just can't be arsed.

We have two small DC, no nearby family and two FT (albeit flexible) jobs. It's fine because we're both in it together.

You sound completely fed up, and you have my sympathy. On this occasion, I think your DH should take time off to enable you to get to a dentist. Money is not more important than your health.

Your family are close by (many don't have that luxury). Sure, they may not want to do regular childcare, but are they really refusing to help on the odd occasion you're desperate, or are you not actually asking but waiting for them to offer? Make sure DH asks his parents, not you. It's just as much his problem as it is yours.

Your partner helps, regardless of salary. Your DH will be entitled to time off, just as you are for caring responsibilities. He can also ask for flexible working, that's not exclusive to Mums. Properly discuss it with him, don't just assume responsibility.

You pay for help. Not possible if the child is sick, but for everything else it is. This can be a better option than relying on family as paid childcare generally won't flake out on you at the last minute.

You build a network of friends with similar aged kids and help eachother out.

What you don't do is assume this is all your responsibility and not your DH's. You don't cut or change your hours, or quit work. You come up with a plan together for everyday childcare needs, and for emergencies.

As for caring for your child on your days off, that's life. If you need a break, look for playgroups nearby that can take her for a few hours.
Remember that if both you and DH have days off together you should each get time to yourselves for a break from the relentlessness of working and parenting a young child. He doesn't work harder than you because he's full-time, just differently.

We were in a similar position - no parents that were able or willing to look after our children at any time. We chose a 'cheaper' nursery (i.e. the local state run nursery, no bells and whistles, but much cheaper than private nice nursery) so as to be able to afford 5 days a week care. Then the moment they were entitled to the free 15 hours, the costs came down a bit.
When they were old enough to go to nursery school (age 3) we then used a childminder for wrap around care 5 days a week.

I have an older sister who did help out for the odd night - for my 10th wedding anniversary trip, I gave her 8 years' notice of us going away. To be fair, she did it but my word that was a mission to set up! Mind you, she herself was a single mum and didn't go out for about 15 years while holding down a full time job, she made it work. You have to.

When illness struck, it was a disaster - we both had many incidences of one of us having flu or norovirus while looking after babies, because of course if you have vomiting bugs at home no nursery will take them. I left hospital by bus (wasn't allowed to drive cause of general anaesthetic) after wisdom tooth op to get to nursery to pick up the children and bring them home by bus. Those are the tough times. But it does get easier! I promise, it does.

Apart from the rare occasion, all childcare was paid for - the cheapest nursery, the cheapest childminder. No 'regular babysitters' for evenings out - we tag teamed if we wanted to go out. Once they started school I changed jobs to a school office job which was term time only so that I could have the holidays off.

Only once they hit secondary did I then take a full time job. Good luck OP, we didn't have our 'village' but it still worked out.

I don’t think anyone SHOULD help me, me having a child is entirely my responsibility. However I can’t imagine seeing my daughter/ future son in law struggling when I have the capabilities to help out.

It does sound a bit like you do think people SHOULD help you. And yes - having a child is your responsibility.
Any reason why all 4 grandparents haven't helped out? It seems odd that they wouldn't. Or are just part of the generation of selfish boomers who appear everywhere in threads here. I find it odd that a whole group of people don't care for their children or grandchildren and persistently refuse to help.
I guess the nice thing is that the next generation of grandchildren will have people like you, OP, clamouring to provide child care at all times in their middle age with no thought of a life of your own.

Similar situation here OP, just here to sympathise because it absolutely sucks. Me and DH work FT and DD is in nursery full time - this is hardly ideal but the only way it really works for us. It's a constant juggle.
Hope you manage to get your tooth sorted

Move the appointment or DH does it? You're really making it all too hard

We just have to pay people. It is what is. We don't have gp close by and my siblings are juggling their own kids and jobs.

We chose a childminder over nurseries/ the asc because her set up was much more flexible - she's rarely at capacity and doesnt mind us swapping or adding days.

You also really have to get past what your husband earns etc & share the burden. It really isn't fair to you or your employer if you aren't.

I was in your situation when DCs were small, OP and did as @Needmorelego has suggested. Particularly making friends with other parents (I attended all the "mother & baby/toddler groups" I could with DCs on my days off. Many parents were in the same position and we'd swap favours regularly.

I think you are generalising here.
My mum (and lots of her friends) had very little help from family when we were growing up - partly because they didn't live nearby and partly for other reasons I I won't go into. They all had to 'muddle through' too.
Also quite a few of the parents of working age people may also still be working, and therefore have less time to spare to look after grandchildren.
I had very little help when DC was little, though I had a really good friend who was a childminder and helped us out sometimes, for example when I ended up with Hand Food and Mouth followed by a three week sick bug, which landed me in hospital! I helped her in other ways though, it wasn't just all one way, and wouldn't ever have asked her to mind DC for me to get nails done or anything like that!
As others have said OP, it is hard at that age, but you really do have to attempt to make your own village - offering to give and receive help.
I hope the dental stuff goes ok, been there, done that, and it does make you feel quite emotional (well it did for me).

I have DGC and I will give you my perspective. Neither my parents nor in-laws helped us with childcare so I was determined to help my DC when the time came .
I help my DDs a lot and I am sure they appreciate it and I only very occasionally feel put upon . I have friends however who are willing to help but feel that the requests/ demands are endless . It starts off with occasional then becomes every weekend / school holiday . Saying no causes arguments and huffs.
An example is one friend whose DIL sends her a list of dates every month that she is needed ! If she says no for whatever reason there is a row.
Could you make it clear that requests will only be last resort and very occasional ?
It’s sad that grandparents don’t want involved ( and every grandparent I know does some childcare) but also remember we do have our own lives !

When I return from mat leave I'll be working 5 days a week. All the grandparents are young and work. I feel guilty knowing my DD will be at nursery :( why can't your DH take some leave to look after his dd whilst you have your wisdom tooth out?

We use annual leave, what’s wrong with that?!

I get paid time off for medical appointments but for everything else we book holiday. DH and I equally take leave.

We have absolutely zero help and haven’t had a night out since she was born (she’s 4). That doesn’t bother us. We sometimes take an afternoon off together for a lunch date while she is at nursery.

DH’s dad is dead, his mother lives abroad and my parents are elderly and not local. We don’t have anyone to ask, but we knew that when we had DD.

I agree with this.
Often people say it's not worth their husband taking the time off because he's the higher earner. How many women would have earnings just as high if they weren't sacrificing time early in their career in the same way as some men do.

Not everyone has a village, it's unfortunate your parents/in laws aren't more helpful but you've taken this all on as your responsibility and it isn't. Your daughter has two parents. He needs to have stepped up at some point and taken some time off.

You make life changes that better support family life. Your dd should be entitled to free hours at nursery? Alternatively, you could source a childminder which will be cheaper.

Depending on what you do for work, you could look at changing jobs, even if it means retraining. It sounds like you and your husband spend a huge amount of time working to sustain your lifestyle so perhaps make some changes to provide a better balance?

I am fortunate. My family live close by so for emergencies they're really great. But we don't routinely rely on them. Our working patterns (both of us) have changed over the years to better accommodate family life. I've been the main earner since having children, but we've both worked flexibily. I never put my career on hold, but as I work in the public sector, it's much more family friendly. My choices have always been based on the balance between finance and time with the kids.

The single biggest thing that makes the biggest difference is both parents pitching in as required, whatever their respective earnings. There have been times when the kids have been ill when I've looked after them, and times when it made more sense for dh to do it.

Paid childcare is our only village. We had some help from MIL with DC1 but she's had some health issues so we feel uncomfortable with childcare now, which she is very angry about so she has pretty much abandoned DC1 completely. Very sad for their relationship but the reaction has confirmed our worries really, obviously would be nice if she would visit but she's decided that she doesn't want to be a GM anymore if she can't do whatever she wants, even if it puts DC1 at risk. No help or relationship at all with DC2 who she's only even met a handful of times in the last 2 years despite being 15 minutes away but we're used to it now. My family are overseas so they only have a FaceTime relationship. They've never helped or offered to help even when visiting.

This mum help stuff wouldn't work because everyone we know works too. I have helped out a few times with others DC but it's more play dates etc at this stage, not realistic or reliable as a regular solution. We're lucky to both have flexibility and support at work so that makes a big difference, medical appointments or ad hoc illnesses aren't a problem so we can tag team and make up hours. It is very lonely though, we had a pretty traumatic experience last year which made it more apparent how isolated we are. I know it will improve when DC2 starts school and at least the parenting is equally shared with DH.

You just get on with it (as you are finding), and the key is to not focus on your lack of village - that way bitterness lies!

A village as in 'It takes a village' isn't about family helping out it's all the people who have positive interactions on a regular basis with your child.

I think probably the most frustrating thing for you is that you have potential help only a few minutes away but that help is not forthcoming.
We have 2 children and one on the way. Husbands parents are both deceased and mine are 3 hours drive away. So we have to do everything between us. He works mon-fri and I work nights and weekends. Often I stay awake after nights to look after my youngest and will be doing the same after Mat leave with the baby. It’s a hard slog, we never get a break or to do anything together without children being involved. But on the other hand I’m glad I don’t have to rely on anyone else and I’m there for the children 100%. Makes us proud that we do it all on our own.