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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to decline this wedding invite?

226 replies

kcchiefette · 05/02/2024 00:03

Just as FYI I dont think this wedding is well planned in the slightest.

My boyfriend's friend is getting married elsewhere in UK in September and invited him and myself to the wedding. Apparently they aren't doing official invites, they're just emailing?! Anyhow..

Boyfriend and I decide to book flights and venue after he said his friend confirmed we were going. Flights paid outright. Venue not paid as its on arrival. Flights were about £100 for myself. Also booked make up appointment locally where I paid £10 deposit to secure the date/time as it was close by the hotel.

Anyway, a day after doing all this, my boyfriend screenshots a message sent from his friend saying that there isnt room for me any longer but I can go to the evening reception.

The location of the wedding is quite rural and not much about, so there isnt much to occupy myself with during the day. It also seems rather embarrassing to have my boyfriend at the actual wedding then arriving separately for the evening (which will be even more money in taxis etc, say an additional £30 from hotel). I also wouldnt need a make up appointment if just going to a party and certainly wouldnt need make up done at 10am.

Apparently, they said if someone "drops out" I can have their space.

I have a 6 year old I co parent and a dog that needs to be kennelled etc so I would need to know in advance to make arrangements. I would also need to book 1x day off work.

AIBU to say that I no longer wish to go, sacrifice the £110 I have already spent as spending my whole weekend away from my child and additional expenses of hotel, kennel, transport alone etc plus booking into my annual leave is just not worth it for an evening party?

I also cant wait in the hope that theres a "drop out" as I have to plan well in advance with child and dog to ensure I can do these things.

Ive told boyfriend that he can go on his own to the wedding if I havent been told I have a space by early June.

OP posts:
LightDrizzle · 05/02/2024 00:05

It’s fine to decline an invitation and the earlier the better for the couple organising it.

sprigatito · 05/02/2024 00:08

I would decline the invitation, and I would be bloody furious to have wasted money on flights just to be pissed about. What a shabby way to treat people. I deplore the current fashion for marrying couples to treat their friends and family like inanimate objects, it's terrible behaviour.

WineIsMyMainVice · 05/02/2024 00:09

Fairly bad form of the bride and groom!

LittleOwl153 · 05/02/2024 00:09

I'd be declining now and asking for the flight to be reimbursed... but maybe I've had enough of rude people today...

Original poster
kcchiefette · 05/02/2024 00:09

LightDrizzle · 05/02/2024 00:05

It’s fine to decline an invitation and the earlier the better for the couple organising it.

I cant really justify spending so much money on a couple I barely know to spend most of the day by myself.

The dilemma also is that boyfriend says he would not want to go on his own.

Theres no RSVP as far as I am aware so its not been planned well at all. I will be waiting ages to find out. I know final numbers are usually like 3 days before?!

OP posts:
allaboardthestation · 05/02/2024 00:11

YANBU at all. Sorry they’ve backtracked so quickly!

Surely there’d be the chance to get your £10 for the makeup appointment back as you’d be cancelling waaaay ahead of time?

Did you get travel insurance? Could you change the date of the flight and have a holiday there another time? Or sell the ticket to a friend minus the cost of the name change fee? Perhaps another friend of your boyfriend who’s attending might need a flight ticket (though at this point I wouldn’t trust the bridge and groom with as far as I could throw them!)

Original poster
kcchiefette · 05/02/2024 00:11

sprigatito · 05/02/2024 00:08

I would decline the invitation, and I would be bloody furious to have wasted money on flights just to be pissed about. What a shabby way to treat people. I deplore the current fashion for marrying couples to treat their friends and family like inanimate objects, it's terrible behaviour.

Even by some chance I eventually got a "space" it doesnt feel great knowing you were essentially a "back up" 😂

Also with the shambles of even inviting people, I dread to think how the rest of it turns out. Be sitting down with no dinner 😂

OP posts:
username123457 · 05/02/2024 00:12

I wouldn't spend anything more than I had to on a wedding where I am an after thought. I think you're quite reasonable to cancel, even if they do have a cancellation place for you in the end.

TheSlantedOwl · 05/02/2024 00:12

Yeah, fuck that!

Emptyheadlock · 05/02/2024 00:14

They are disgustingly rude.

Original poster
kcchiefette · 05/02/2024 00:17

username123457 · 05/02/2024 00:12

I wouldn't spend anything more than I had to on a wedding where I am an after thought. I think you're quite reasonable to cancel, even if they do have a cancellation place for you in the end.

Money is pretty tight this year!

2x holidays already booked and boyfriend wants another one for our anniversary in November so I would rather put money towards that.

Hotel would be another £120 for me, plus transport, drinks etc would probably end up being £400 for a wedding I was essentially "uninvited" from 😂

OH update, boyfriend said he would go alone but he wouldnt be happy about it.

OP posts:
Poppyseed14 · 05/02/2024 00:45

Don't quote me OP but I'm sure I've read that you can claim tax back on flights that you've not taken so you might be able to recoup that at least. I wouldn't go either. CF's

Poppyseed14 · 05/02/2024 00:47

Quick Google re the tax and seems you have to cancel the flight. Have a look into it.

AIBU to decline this wedding invite?
Original poster
kcchiefette · 05/02/2024 00:49

Luckily I havent paid my flights yet. Boyfriend paid on his card, so I have told him he can ask his friend to reimburse him due to the "mix up".

OP posts:
Hairspray123 · 05/02/2024 00:51

YANBU to not go and yANBU to explain that its due to the change of plans and invites. However, I'd go. And Id go and have the day to myself, pamper day if you like, getting ready a few drinks and go to the party on the evening. Take your time getting ready, Enjoy the child and pet free time and lie in in the morning. You may find BF comes back to you after the ceremony & Dinner anyway if you are near the wedding.

Evaka · 05/02/2024 00:52

Absolutely don't go, and don't wait to see if you're reinvited. They sound shambolic and very thoughtless. They should be mortified.

Lizzieregina · 05/02/2024 00:58

Absolutely dreadful behaviour. I would in my arse go to a wedding where I was uninvited. Not even if it was down the street! Such rudeness.

Original poster
kcchiefette · 05/02/2024 01:01

Hairspray123 · 05/02/2024 00:51

YANBU to not go and yANBU to explain that its due to the change of plans and invites. However, I'd go. And Id go and have the day to myself, pamper day if you like, getting ready a few drinks and go to the party on the evening. Take your time getting ready, Enjoy the child and pet free time and lie in in the morning. You may find BF comes back to you after the ceremony & Dinner anyway if you are near the wedding.

I did think about this option as the venue is quite close - say 45 mins from Edinburgh where I have always wanted to go. So it did cross my mind to go and spend the day there sightseeing etc and back to hotel for room service etc 😂

But again, seems unnecessary expenditure when I can be at home with my child and dog, and on the day I'm childfree arrange a massage or night out with friends for fraction of the price 😂

Ive been to a few weddings before, and not once have I experienced such rudeness and lack of planning 😂

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 05/02/2024 01:01

Boyfriend can go on his own, and can do a name change on the flight ticket as there will be another friend needing to travel there too,

It's his friend so he should go, I wouldn't be wasting my time and money nor a days annual leave on an evening reception invite.

Luckily you have only lost £10 deposit and I think if you ask now you are very likely to get that back as the date is months away.

Original poster
kcchiefette · 05/02/2024 01:03

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 05/02/2024 01:01

Boyfriend can go on his own, and can do a name change on the flight ticket as there will be another friend needing to travel there too,

It's his friend so he should go, I wouldn't be wasting my time and money nor a days annual leave on an evening reception invite.

Luckily you have only lost £10 deposit and I think if you ask now you are very likely to get that back as the date is months away.

Unfortunately he will be the only one flying from our area so no chance of name change. But I have told him that its not my debt to pay..

OP posts:
PaminaMozart · 05/02/2024 01:05

Spending the day in Edinburgh seems like a great option!

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 05/02/2024 01:08

Loads of people doing email invitations now so meh to that point.

However I think if you were both named on the original email, and booked flights accordingly, they should reimburse you for being uninvited. And if they miraculously find a place for you, just say ‘sorry I cancelled my childcare when you uninvited me, and now they are unavailable’

But if they did not name you on the email and your partner just assumed, then you just suck it up and don’t go. Or… take your child for a nice little holiday :)

Original poster
kcchiefette · 05/02/2024 01:33

Thanks everyone.

Boyfriend thinks I am being hasty and wants me to wait to be basically "reinvited" and I have told them they can shove their invite where the sun don't shine as I won't be going either way 😂

Just need to decide if I still go and amuse myself for the day with sightseeing (apparently boyfriend not keen on this as he also wants to see Edinburgh) or if I just don't go at all and stay at home (and save the £££)

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 05/02/2024 01:41

You said earlier that money is pretty tight this year, with 2 holidays already booked and a 3rd one being considered.

Why spend money amusing yourself for a day.

And having to sort out dog care / time off work etc.

If going to Edinburgh is becoming so important to both of you, and yes it is a beautiful city with gorgeous countryside around,

why don't you go on a city break there at a time of your choice - maybe that could be the 3rd holiday that boyfriend wants to have this year ?

Original poster
kcchiefette · 05/02/2024 01:44

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 05/02/2024 01:41

You said earlier that money is pretty tight this year, with 2 holidays already booked and a 3rd one being considered.

Why spend money amusing yourself for a day.

And having to sort out dog care / time off work etc.

If going to Edinburgh is becoming so important to both of you, and yes it is a beautiful city with gorgeous countryside around,

why don't you go on a city break there at a time of your choice - maybe that could be the 3rd holiday that boyfriend wants to have this year ?

Yep, I will likely lean more towards staying home so I can put the money away to something that I genuinely want to go to.

We could even do Edinburgh in November with a hotel a little more central!

We will see how it pans out. Boyfriend is furious as well and is on the edge of also saying no, but I am still encouraging him to go for his friend.

OP posts: