AIBU to decline this wedding invite?

[kcchiefette]

Just as FYI I dont think this wedding is well planned in the slightest.

My boyfriend's friend is getting married elsewhere in UK in September and invited him and myself to the wedding. Apparently they aren't doing official invites, they're just emailing?! Anyhow..

Boyfriend and I decide to book flights and venue after he said his friend confirmed we were going. Flights paid outright. Venue not paid as its on arrival. Flights were about £100 for myself. Also booked make up appointment locally where I paid £10 deposit to secure the date/time as it was close by the hotel.

Anyway, a day after doing all this, my boyfriend screenshots a message sent from his friend saying that there isnt room for me any longer but I can go to the evening reception.

The location of the wedding is quite rural and not much about, so there isnt much to occupy myself with during the day. It also seems rather embarrassing to have my boyfriend at the actual wedding then arriving separately for the evening (which will be even more money in taxis etc, say an additional £30 from hotel). I also wouldnt need a make up appointment if just going to a party and certainly wouldnt need make up done at 10am.

Apparently, they said if someone "drops out" I can have their space.

I have a 6 year old I co parent and a dog that needs to be kennelled etc so I would need to know in advance to make arrangements. I would also need to book 1x day off work.

AIBU to say that I no longer wish to go, sacrifice the £110 I have already spent as spending my whole weekend away from my child and additional expenses of hotel, kennel, transport alone etc plus booking into my annual leave is just not worth it for an evening party?

I also cant wait in the hope that theres a "drop out" as I have to plan well in advance with child and dog to ensure I can do these things.

Ive told boyfriend that he can go on his own to the wedding if I havent been told I have a space by early June.

I think men just don't pay as much attention to these kinds of things as women . Your bf prob said is my gf invited and the groom said yeah. And then he mentioned to the bride who said don't be a wally we don't have space.
I mean it was literally the next day so you were v prompt in bookings including makeup! Why wouldn't you be able to get the deposit back? And you can either write off the flight or perhaps change if that's possible.
Either way it's no big deal, you don't know them so let him go on his own. If a space comes up and you fancy it then go. I personally wouldn't stress too much

I think this is very upsetting (I have been there, done that), only in my case I was not even invited to an evening do, my boyfriend was. However it was very sobering for me, for a different reason. This shows exactly what they (and the world) thinks of 'girlfriends' - they are not significant others, hence, they are not significant at all. No obligations on the part of the boyfriend, no commitment, no respect. They would not do it to a spouse. In other words, 'no ring, no bring'. After that particular experience, I broke up with my boyfriend, because I realised he never wanted to marry me, it was just convenient for him - cheaper to share accommodation, much cheaper than outsourcing sex, etc. etc.

Weddings are tricky if you have a specific number of guests allowed and there is no budging. It could quite well be an honest mistake and they do feel awful about it.

It does sound like you actually do want to go if thats the case theres no shame in holding out to see if you get an invite. If you dont then its your decision as to wether you can be bothered to go for the evening. Like you said you dont know the bride/groom and so maybe you see this as an opportunity to go and meet them and other friends?

You would not be unreasonable to decline the invite. You don’t need to give a reason either. In your situation I’d be happy for my partner to go alone and I wouldn’t overthink it.

We have been together almost 2 years and nope, I don't know them.

Basically for context, his friend is (mostly) an online friend who he games with. He meets him on an annual trip every year for the past 10 years or so.

I wasn't expecting an invite, so I was surprised to learn I was "invited" in the first place.

I honestly think its been miscommunication between bride and groom where he has perhaps mentioned he's invited his friend but forgotten to mention the plus one until now, and there hasn't been capacity or else the bride just doesnt want people there she doesnt know. I understand that, as I would be the same.

Its no skin off my teeth that I am not going, as they aren't my friends. The gripe for me is leaving us hanging instead of being honest and saying, "look, we dont personally know your girlfriend, and we are only inviting our friends and family to the wedding so on this occasion, unfortunately she cannot come". And I 100% would not have taken offense to that as its understandable.

Could your boyfriend request to be an evening guest also? Then you could both go sightseeing in the day and go together on the evening ?

He has said if its "determined" (lets face it though, it is) that I am only an evening guest, that he would rather stay with me and we go together to whatever part we can both attend.

My gripe is with the fact it would cost a lot of money for an evening reception, and if I pay out for this, Unwound be sacrificing our holiday for our anniversary in November.

I will discuss with him to consider changing the dates, not attending the wedding and going to Edinburgh at a later date where we can both enjoy and perhaps meet the couple at a later date to celebrate.

I would just sack off the whole event too. Return to Edinburgh on the trip you want to do in November. That way you can sightsee with your boyfriend.

Has your boyfriend asked to be reimbursed by the groom, or is he planning to?

He's too nice, so I doubt he will ask him to be honest.

I will see how he feels about going alone (as he seems to be on the fence). I will probably suggest trying to change dates for flights and booking trip closer to date in November where we can sightsee and then meet his friends for a late celebration.

I wouldn't fly to Edinburgh just for an evening do. I will never go to another one. You arrive and the venue is full of people that were there for the wedding, they have had a big meal and you will be lucky to see a sausage roll!

The 'main event' of the day has been and gone and you are basically the B List guest. Stay home, save your money and time, don't waste it on people who are not close to you.

I'd just decline now, who wants to celebrate the wedding of people like that!

I have told him just to say, "unfortunately, my girlfriend can no longer attend on this date" rather than give a specific reason and if they ask more, to just day its no longer suitable for me.

I dont generally like to make a fuss.

YANBU. I am reminded of the bonkers thread a week or so ago from the OP who had binned a wedding invitation in front of the bride after copying the relevant information, and the very loud contingent on that thread who declared it's absolutely fine to email or WhatsApp a wedding invitation. It's clearly not, is it? That's how you end up with situations like this.

Yeah the rude part for me is expecting me to fly out and essentially spend most of the day by myself, find somewhere for dinner by myself, then travel out to their wedding alone.

If it was a local event, I would agree and just join later on but not for a wedding where flights, hotel etc are all required. If I knew from the beginning, I wouldnt have agreed to book.

As FYI, my boyfriend handled the booking of flights etc. I usually wait until closer to the wedding date (about 3 months or so).

I’d also decline as it’s a lot of money to spend to be sitting around waiting to go in the evening. Just let your bf go on his own

I have told him he will likely be going out on his own, he seems to be on the fence about going on his own.

Also thinks I should wait to see if I get an invite 😂 I have told him no to that also. Because we all know that invite isnt coming. Its a polite way of saying "we messed up, your girlfriend can no longer come".

Ive been to enough weddings to know that the final numbers aren't until days before. Unfortunately I have childcare and kennel care to think about and couldn't just fly out on a few days notice either.

Have the invites actually been emailed out? 7/8 months is a long time away. Or was this all via text with the groom?

You don’t invite someone to just the evening do if they have to take a flight to get there, that’s awful.

Nope, I wouldn't be going after that.
So rude of them to say you're invited to the day and then change their mind.

I wouldn't go based on that alone. Nothing better than being a back up option is there!!!

"I have told them they can shove their invite where the sun don't shine as I won't be going either way 😂"

Bit much since you only know what your boyfriend has told you. Also, are you Harry off the traitors with the myself/yourself nonsense?

I know evening invites are unpopular on here. But they were common when I was younger for work colleagues and acquaintances. However they were all local and just a night out, no big deal.

Inviting people to travel for evening dos is a big no in my book. Asking people to travel and then often not even feeding them etc is not on. Also if you don’t know people going into a noisy evening do with music playing really is no fun.

YANBU to not go, they are rude, but saying you'd feel "embarrassed" to turn up by yourself later is a bit odd- in the nicest way, who would even notice??

Invites by email is absolutely fine and normal in my world.

Are you sure you were actually invited to the whole day originally? The initial email could well have been a save the date?

When we got married, I left DH in charge of handing out the invites to his mates. This was years ago and I swear we still have some of them knocking around. He just text them or told them in person about the details. Doesn't mean the wedding was poorly organised, only that DH was

Of course you can drop out and remember it's not your problem if your partner doesn't want to go on his own, your not his Mum.

I didnt obviously say those words dramatic effects

But I have told him to say a firm no for my invite.