Tables have turned and son refusing to help/get involved

[dietirnbruqueen]

when my son was in p6 he was falsely accused of bullying another child in the class. The boy made up claims of things my son had said and done and it went on for a period of time.

it was a difficult time for my son and very stressful to constantly have to maintain his innocence. The boy in question had emotional problems and was very sensitive to everything. His mother, instead of teaching him resilience, pandered to everything he said and did.

anyway, it transpired that the boy was jealous of my son and it came out that he’d made up all the claims. There wasn’t much if any punishment for the boy (in school) because of aforementioned emotional issues/very sensitive.

my son steered well clear of him for the rest of primary school and didn’t interact with with him as he didn’t trust him.

anyway, he’s now in secondary school and this boy is being bullied by a group of boys in the year. I don’t know the ins and outs of it but the mother has messaged me to say that my son is in a couple of classes and may have witnessed the bullying and can he vouch that it’s happening. my son is categorically not involved in bullying this boy btw and there’s no question of that.

my son has completely refused to be drawn on the subject. He’s said privately to me that this boy made his life hell and he has no interest in getting involved in anything to do with him. My son is quite quiet but gets on well with most folk but he is digging his heels in here and just says “Couldn’t tell you.” When he’s asked.

I hate the thought of anyone being bullied but I can also see my son’s point that he doesn’t want any involvement with this boy.

wwyd?

I wouldn't encourage my son to get involved.

There's a risk the bullies will turn on him, and I wouldn't expect him to take that risk for someone whose bullying he still feels the effects of.

I think that some PPs underestimate just how long bullying can stay with the victim.

Are we saying that kids who are vile at age 9-10 are not entitled to any protection in the future, from anything?

No, we're saying it is not the responsibility of other pre-teens/young teens to go out of their way to support this child, especially children who were victims of the child's vileness and suffered as a result.

This is a problem that the adults need to step in on. And the now pre-teen/young teen himself needs to accept some responsibility that his choices/behaviour have gotten him here, and how is going to change his behaviour going forward.

It may mean a fresh start in a new school. But until personal responsibility is taken AND a support system is in place, that won't solve the problem entirely either.

I’m more thinking this is a lesson for the mum than the kids. Maybe she should have recognised the impact her child was having on another and tried harder to fix it. Been apologetic. You know, cared about another kid. Because one day it could be hers.

He isn’t responsible for safeguarding, or for standing up for the other boy. He’s getting on with his life; he’s moved on. Not involving himself with this, with someone who has made his life miserable in the past, doesn’t mean that he’s bitter or that he hasn’t.

I’m not sure why there’s this idea that being over something/forging something means that you’re later obliged to put yourself out for the person that wronged you. You don’t.

How old are they now?

2 wrongs don't make a right, I would use this to teach my son about taking the moral high ground.
You literally know a child is being bullied because your son told you and you're not going to do anything about it?! The least you could do is privately contact the school and let them know your child has witnessed bullying but wants to stay out of it.

Fair enough he doesn't want to go up against the bullies face to face for a child he doesn't like but to just let him be bullied... and stop putting "emotional issues" in quotation marks. Sounds like this other child could have SEN or some kind of emotional intelligence challenges in their private life.

The right thing to do is at least let someone know that you know the bullying is going on. Can't believe an adult would believe this.
What your DS went through at 9 is a different level then how high school bullying can be.

I agree @PopandFizz

Just because a child has behaved badly in the past it doesn't mean that they don't deserve help.

This child was wrong for falsely accusing your child. Your son is wrong for not doing what is right and reporting bullying.

If this child with 'emotional issues' hurts himself because of bullying then I hope you and your son can live with yourselves after you turned a blind eye to someone else's suffering.

My advice is to steer well clear. You've sent a message to the mother and I'd refuse to be drawn any further.
You did the right thing in supporting your child - he needed to know that you have his back and trust his judgement and his right not to get sucked into this, given the background.

The mother is batshit crazy asking your son for help after the trouble her child caused for him.
She ought to deal with this via the school, not ask for favours from people who have very good reason to not do her any!

The Op only has the word of the other boys mother that he is being bullied. her own son has said he's not seen any bullying. Are you suggesting that the Op goes on the word of hearsay / school gossip and involves herself ?

What a cheek of the mother to contact you after what her son has put your son through! If he lied about your son bullying him it's quite likely he is doing the same again.

Amazing how many people here want the OP's son, who hasn't seen any bullying and only heard rumours of it, to go to the teachers on behalf a boy who bullied him and claim that other children are bullying the lad.

What do all these moral posters expect OP's son to do, make something up to keep the mother of boy who lied and bullied him happy?

Lovely emotional blackmail from you there.

If this child with 'emotional issues' hurts himself because of bullying then I hope you and your son can live with yourselves after you turned a blind eye to someone else's suffering.

@Panterus would you ask that of the 'texting for witness statements' mum too?
How can you and your son live with yourselves knowing the lies he spread about someone?
It's appalling blackmail.

I would say you've asked your son and he's not aware of anything etc. Then block her, not your circus not your monkeys.

As a bullied kid at school, I remember the feeling as if it were yesterday (I'm 50+) Your son has set boundaries after a considerable amount of struggle, so he is absolutely correct in saying he doesn't want to be involved. Leave it at that & ignore the messages.

I’m with your son on this and you should be proud of him. Leave it up to the school to sort out and stay out of it. This kid made your sons life a living hell, he isn’t owed anything.

This is really unfair. OPs child’s final years in primary school were spoilt by this boy’s blatant lies (Being sensitive/having issues does not excuse lying simply to get another totally innocent child in trouble.) Now OP’s son is happy, keeping his head down and not being bullied. If he sides with this child, he could be dragged into the bullying and his secondary education could also be marred by this. He is doing the right thing. It is not a case of adults standing by, applauding. It is a case of a child choosing the best course of action for him.

Went through similar with my son it took him along time to get over false allegations. I would support the choices he’s making now, he’s been through enough.

And what if you talked your child into saying something against their wishes and the bullies turned on them? What if your child was the one who ended up hurting themselves because you guilt tripped them into speaking out?

How would you feel then?

I'd honestly not get involved. Bullying is a hornet's nest and your son is being sensible by steering clear of it all, even if his intentions are not the best. Let the school manage it.

I've genuinely seen very little real bullying in schools anymore and had very few issues to sort out as a Form Tutor. Usually it's petty squabbles rather than physical abuse but maybe I've just taught in naice schools. I would suspect that the boy in question has stirred up trouble for himself even unintentionally.

It’s not his circus and these aren’t his monkeys. I don’t see why they wouldn’t be able to live with themselves over something that has absolutely nothing to do with them 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP’s son should do what’s right for him.

Yes, I hate bullies as well, but I can see where your son is coming from. You must respect his wishes, if he comes forward they could turn on him, and why should he put his neck on the line. How dare his mother ask him to do this after vilifying him when he was young.

Integrity

This is a teaching moment for your son.

He has the right to make a choice I'm what he does, but what he does choose with reflect his character and what type of a man he would like to grow up to become.

They’re turning 14.

i can’t reiterate enough that he’s not getting involved in this.

he has nothing to do with any bullying, he’s never been a bully.

no amount of emotional blackmail will make me put pressure on him to either get involved or dig to find out more.

we’ve had a couple of conversations and he quite clear that he has nothing to do with this boy and never will.

and that’s ok with me.

"...can he vouch that it’s happening"

So there's a possibility this bullying ISN'T happening? It might be another invention from this troubled kid?

Is this about protecting the 'victim'? Or might it be about protecting the alleged bullies against false accusation? Your son might be more inclined to report on whether the bullying IS happening if he looks at it from that angle.

Jesus christ, there's a lot of sanctimonious people on here. Ops son has very good reason not to get involved, its not his responsibility at all in any way. He has not witnessed bullying, does not want anything to do with his previous bully for very good reason and he's a child. All this talk of integrity, morality blah blah blah, I hope you all hold yourself to such high standards that you expect of this child. 🙄