Tables have turned and son refusing to help/get involved

[dietirnbruqueen]

when my son was in p6 he was falsely accused of bullying another child in the class. The boy made up claims of things my son had said and done and it went on for a period of time.

it was a difficult time for my son and very stressful to constantly have to maintain his innocence. The boy in question had emotional problems and was very sensitive to everything. His mother, instead of teaching him resilience, pandered to everything he said and did.

anyway, it transpired that the boy was jealous of my son and it came out that he’d made up all the claims. There wasn’t much if any punishment for the boy (in school) because of aforementioned emotional issues/very sensitive.

my son steered well clear of him for the rest of primary school and didn’t interact with with him as he didn’t trust him.

anyway, he’s now in secondary school and this boy is being bullied by a group of boys in the year. I don’t know the ins and outs of it but the mother has messaged me to say that my son is in a couple of classes and may have witnessed the bullying and can he vouch that it’s happening. my son is categorically not involved in bullying this boy btw and there’s no question of that.

my son has completely refused to be drawn on the subject. He’s said privately to me that this boy made his life hell and he has no interest in getting involved in anything to do with him. My son is quite quiet but gets on well with most folk but he is digging his heels in here and just says “Couldn’t tell you.” When he’s asked.

I hate the thought of anyone being bullied but I can also see my son’s point that he doesn’t want any involvement with this boy.

wwyd?

Integrity
It's an inside job

I think some people have had different experiences of school than others. As much as I want to teach my kids to be good people and do the right thing they also need to survive school and those things don't always go together.

I definitely agree.

High school can be so challenging to navigate.

I just think whatever stance they decide to take should be well thought through and discussed rather than a stubborn no and based on tit for tat, especially if the adult is co signing that.

It's fine to want to stay out of thing, it's fine to even be afraid, but as parents we need to be accountable for who we are raising our children to become.

If being a witness will put him in harms way, that's a justified reason not to.

But I would "think" all reasonable parents will at least make some attempt at raising children to stand for something.

The tables could turn again. And the way that life works they probably will. The boy who's being picked on might then think that he wasn't helped so he isn't going to help anyone else - and so it goes on. And on.

But I would "think" all reasonable parents will at least make some attempt at raising children to stand for something

You can avoid being involved in something you don’t want to - and still stand for something.

Would I step in? Probably - would allow my child to be in harms way - absolutely not. They have to go to school each day - I can choose where I work and who work for as long as it suits me - finding a new school isn’t easy of things go toys up.

Yeeeah, so I’m not inclined to take advice from someone that thought going to the mumsnet school of insult was a good idea.

I think he’s good too, given that he’s clearly familiar with the concept that not everything has to concern him, and he isn’t required to meet someone else’s standards of ‘integrity’ (personally I would be, am, totally fine not to meet those. Can confirm this is not something I have ever found to be a problem!).

I’m quite shocked by some of the vengeful comments on this thread. Secondary school bullying can be vicious. Sometimes children kill themselves to escape it. For God’s sake, do the right thing and tell the head teacher that the bullying has been witnessedBy your son but he doesn’t want to get involved. Then the school can deal with it.

I can see where he ia coming from.
I wouldn't egg him on. I would encourage him to take the higher ground if he wishes and leave him to speak up or not without guilt.
The other Mum shouldn't be contacting you and asking for favours.
Her son seemed more the capable to run his mouth so surly he could approach your son and request this.

Lastly she needsnto take it up with the school. She burned bridges in Primary. And has the nerve to be asking this now giving the history.

@dietirnbruqueen you seem very fixated on your son being 'popular' you mentioned it a few times. Strange.

@Anele22 the op has said her son^^ hasn't witnessed the bullying himself.

For God’s sake, do the right thing and tell the head teacher that the bullying has been witnessedBy your son but he doesn’t want to get involved.

Erm...he hasn't witnessed any bullying. He's only heard rumours.

@SoSBeingAMumIsHard my issue with your post was that you were talking about integrity and implying that if he doesn't get involved the DS (a) has no moral fibre and (b) will undoubtedly end up being some sort of wrong 'un. I think that's a very very great stretch of the imagination/assumption.

The DS has not personally witnessed any bullying. He is keeping out of it, which includes not joining in any alleged bullying to get his revenge. He has no obligation to put his own neck on the line for someone who bullied him for 18 months. He is showing significant maturity to recognise his own boundaries.

However, the OP clearly states that the bulllying has NOT been witnessed by her son.

What I wrote is what I mean. No inference.

OP Didn't say her child definitely didn't witness it, She said
my son has completely refused to be drawn on the subject. He’s said privately to me that this boy made his life hell and he has no interest in getting involved in anything to do with him. My son is quite quiet but gets on well with most folk but he is digging his heels in here and just says “Couldn’t tell you.” When he’s asked

Which infers He "may" have witnessed the bullying but is choosing to turn a blind eye because the boys made his own life difficult for the 18 months in primary school.

This is to me when I would teach my child about integrity. We all can ultimately do what we want to but our choices and decisions do shape who we are.

Anyhoo

This is so sad 😞

@dietirnbruqueen I only discovered this thread now so you might not even be reading this any more as you sent the reply already (and a good one too).

Your son is right not to get involved with this person again. I went to school with someone like this other boy and in my experience people like this might always find themselves “bullied” because they perceive every slight as an insult.
It’s simply not your son’s problem to soothe someone else’s problem - he doesn’t owe this boy anything. If I were you I’d be proud of him.

We all can ultimately do what we want to but our choices and decisions do shape who we are

Same could be said for the other boy, his choices, his mothers choices and his schools choices have spared him.

He didn’t know about the consequences at the time, but his choices led to his now predicament. Those choices had led to OPs child not wanting to be involved.

I would guess OPs son would more likely get involved if it was a friend or someone who hadn’t hurt him.

@SoSBeingAMumIsHard maybe you missed the OP's latest posts. She states he son confirmed he hadn't witnessed any bullying

And yet again you like other sanctimonious, moralising poster are tish-toshing the ops son's experience of being bullied, and expecting him to lie for this boy.
I hate to pull a mn trope...'given your repetitive demands that he does so, are you the other boy's dm?'

Two things. Firstly, OP very clearly stated that her son hasn’t witnessed any bullying. There are rumours, but he hasn’t seen anything for himself. Secondly it’s not the school asking, it’s the other boys’ mother. Now, given that this boy lied about OP’s son bullying him, the same thing could very well be happening again here. So having been at the receiving end of it, why would OP’s son want the slightest involvement in this, given that he could be contributing towards someone else being wrongly accused ?

Please stop @ me because clearly you're missing MY point.

You're being '@'ed for the purpose of its function... posters are responding to your statement!

Ok.

No I didn't see that. That makes a big difference in what anyone would do.

I don't think anyone would expect the child to come forward an lie.

With that update isn't the topic / post now redundant?

He is though. He’s happy, well liked and gets on well with people. That being said he’s a quiet boy who is good to his friends and has had the same friendship group since he was in nursery (they came through primary school together).

i don’t think anything I’ve mentioned is untrue or irrelevant.

what exactly is your problem?

Lying to the head will about what he has seen will really help everyone involved wont it 🙄