Tables have turned and son refusing to help/get involved

[dietirnbruqueen]

when my son was in p6 he was falsely accused of bullying another child in the class. The boy made up claims of things my son had said and done and it went on for a period of time.

it was a difficult time for my son and very stressful to constantly have to maintain his innocence. The boy in question had emotional problems and was very sensitive to everything. His mother, instead of teaching him resilience, pandered to everything he said and did.

anyway, it transpired that the boy was jealous of my son and it came out that he’d made up all the claims. There wasn’t much if any punishment for the boy (in school) because of aforementioned emotional issues/very sensitive.

my son steered well clear of him for the rest of primary school and didn’t interact with with him as he didn’t trust him.

anyway, he’s now in secondary school and this boy is being bullied by a group of boys in the year. I don’t know the ins and outs of it but the mother has messaged me to say that my son is in a couple of classes and may have witnessed the bullying and can he vouch that it’s happening. my son is categorically not involved in bullying this boy btw and there’s no question of that.

my son has completely refused to be drawn on the subject. He’s said privately to me that this boy made his life hell and he has no interest in getting involved in anything to do with him. My son is quite quiet but gets on well with most folk but he is digging his heels in here and just says “Couldn’t tell you.” When he’s asked.

I hate the thought of anyone being bullied but I can also see my son’s point that he doesn’t want any involvement with this boy.

wwyd?

@dietirnbruqueen don't let the fools get to you.

Clearly you've made frankly the only sensible decision. AIBU does have a number of people who frankly like to be contrary and to get at people, as well as the more reasonable and compassionate folk.

They don't. For all the talk about tackling bullying, protecting kids etc, there's been minimal concern on display for DS, a known previous target of this child.

This!! He hasn’t directly seen the bullying, but has heard about it, as has probably most of the class. The mother needs to be going to the school directly with her concerns. The school can then investigate the claims, and they can ask other children in the class themselves, what they know. No need for the mother of the bullied child to be messaging OP about this.

Cobblers. This gives absolutely no indication of what this boy is going to become. What you term integrity I would call being a doormat.

It would be a morally different situation if there was some sort of bullying incident with your DS as the only witness or something but that's not the case. The other boys mum and the school know about it already, your DS's input isn't even needed here.

Until its your child being bullied... Then you would hope witnesses of all ages to have integrity 🙄

I hardly think this mum and her ds who lied about the ops son can comment on integrity?

I agree with @SoSBeingAMumIsHard. I am teaching dc to treat others well and care about others and do the right thing and not leave doing the right thing to others, and I agree that it is to do with integrity. It is also to do with helping dc develop strength of character, good judgement, a moral compass. I am teaching them that behaving like that will mean that they are surrounded by others with similar values their whole life, which is going to be a whole lot nicer than being surrounded by people not like that. Takes 5 mins of your time, and very often some big balls, to do the right thing. Nothing doormattish about it.

What happened at primary school was the fault of the staff, and it is small-minded, ignorant and mean spirited for adults to be blaming it on a child who was 9/10 at the time. It was 100 percent the staff's fault, whatever happened between the children. OP's dc could be helped to come to terms with it now. The fact that OP's dc is deciding what information to give the OP and what to withhold means OP has no idea how serious the situation is for the other child and that she is relying on the discretion and judgement of her fairly young child. It is the wrong way round.

If the school is competent at handling bullying they will help the bullies as well as the bullied.

That might also stop your dc from being bullied in the future, OP.

If they are so incompetent that you wouldn't trust them to keep reports confidential, why would you entrust them with the care and wellbeing of your child?

Integrity has nothing to do with someone else.

washitov

The bully is definitely to blame for their actions at whatever age.
The competency of the staff is a different matter.

OP exactly the same happened with my DD and her ex-BF in primary school and I can imagine her response in secondary school to be similar to your DS if she were in the same situation. The time in primary school was horrendous and impacted her so much. I completely understand your child’s feelings, and I do not think there is anything you can do but respect them. I would have suggested to the child’s mother that she deals with it through the school if she is concerned about bullying.

It's interesting that she thinks her son is being bullied and her first port of call is the mother of the child he falsely accused of bullying several years ago. I wonder if she privately suspects he's making it up again so daren't go in all guns blazing a second time?

But school shouldn't need corroboration of the alleged bullying from your son or anyone else to act upon it. He should be allowed to stay out of it, as he has chosen to do, and by the sounds of it hasn't even witnessed anything anyway...

@washitov What happened at primary school was the fault of the staff, and it is small-minded, ignorant and mean spirited for adults to be blaming it on a child who was 9/10 at the time. It was 100 percent the staff's fault
So the staff made up the lies about him being bullied and told him to blame ops son?!

Agree with this 💯

"What you term integrity I would call being a doormat"

This!

OP's son hasn't witnessed bullying and based on previous lies the other child told, I'd say he has integrity in staying out of it. He's not bullying this kid or encouraging others to do so. He just wants to mind his own business and that's totally fair enough!

My oldest boy was the sort who would stand up for another kid even if they hadn't been nice to him in primary school and he did so at one point.

The result was that those bullies turned on him for getting involved.
He was bullied to the point of having to move schools and the original kid who was being bullied wasn't even slightly grateful that my boy had tried to stand up for him.

Leave it to the teachers.
No good deed seems to go unpunished nowadays.

I would be suspicious about why she had approached you. Why not another parent in the class.

Good answer

I can understand your son not wanting to get involved. The other boy has options. He can report the bullying and ask other children to support him - I doubt if your son is the only one who has witnessed what has happened. It seems strange that of all the people that they would turn to, it would be your son. I'm not saying anything about karma, because I don't think it's appropriate but if he had emotional problems throughout junior school, they haven't suddenly gone away. The bullying can be addressed and dealt with without your son's involvement and personally I would steer clear.

@dietirnbruqueen 100% he’s doing the right thing. Maybe just tell the mother that, you don’t condone bullying but her son made your sons life very difficult and for that reason, dragons den style, he’s OUT

OP you sound like a good Mum. Continue to put your boy first, and let school and the proper authorities deal with the other child and his problems.

And other mums caring so much about the lying kid's apparent "emotional problems" and sod all about the problems his lies caused OP's son.

You couldn't make it up.

1st class example of victim blaming, because the OP's son has set clear and correct boundaries with the liar

Someone on mumsnet thinks he lacks integrity!

I’m sure he’ll find the strength to push through his devastation at this.

You are SO right - sanctimonious! It sounds to me that some people posting have ever had anything to do with kids in school: Someone said he should 'do the right thing': If that means telling on the other kid, from that point on he would be seen as a snitch - even if the accusation is true: