Tables have turned and son refusing to help/get involved

[dietirnbruqueen]

when my son was in p6 he was falsely accused of bullying another child in the class. The boy made up claims of things my son had said and done and it went on for a period of time.

it was a difficult time for my son and very stressful to constantly have to maintain his innocence. The boy in question had emotional problems and was very sensitive to everything. His mother, instead of teaching him resilience, pandered to everything he said and did.

anyway, it transpired that the boy was jealous of my son and it came out that he’d made up all the claims. There wasn’t much if any punishment for the boy (in school) because of aforementioned emotional issues/very sensitive.

my son steered well clear of him for the rest of primary school and didn’t interact with with him as he didn’t trust him.

anyway, he’s now in secondary school and this boy is being bullied by a group of boys in the year. I don’t know the ins and outs of it but the mother has messaged me to say that my son is in a couple of classes and may have witnessed the bullying and can he vouch that it’s happening. my son is categorically not involved in bullying this boy btw and there’s no question of that.

my son has completely refused to be drawn on the subject. He’s said privately to me that this boy made his life hell and he has no interest in getting involved in anything to do with him. My son is quite quiet but gets on well with most folk but he is digging his heels in here and just says “Couldn’t tell you.” When he’s asked.

I hate the thought of anyone being bullied but I can also see my son’s point that he doesn’t want any involvement with this boy.

wwyd?

I didn't say to forget if he was a little shit.
The OPs wording on the original post doesn't sit
well. I think its important to remember there's always 2 sides then the truth when commenting on these threads. There's always everyone up in arms about something that may or may not have truth.
But the thing that I can't get away from is the fact there is something very wrong happening and the OP is happy to allow it as some sort of revenge. I fully appreciate her son's predicament. But it seems this other child has issues beyond his control. From what the OP has said. This is a group of boys bullying one boy. How anyone could be happy turning a blind eye. I find that just, no words. There has to be some sort of conscience there to write this post. Theres more to this I feel. But who knows.

I agree and his mum should be dealing with it in conjunction with the school. Not gathering evidence from the one kid who went to the same primary school who is in some of the same classes and was bullied by the other boy.

There is only the word of the boy that he is being bullied AND he has form for accusing people of bullying and lying before

Oh well. Guess I’m a failure then.

despite this I have happy children who know how to treat others, have plenty of friends and have good boundaries.

im really awful for that.

Teacher and head teacher eventually during a meeting but it took a long time and it was so draining for my son.

I don’t feel the need to do any digging tbh. My son isn’t bullying anyone and he isn’t being bullied. He’s happy, popular, treats people well and he is my priority. He hasn’t seen this boy being bullied (but has I think heard about it) so he’s not interested in becoming involved.

I think in your shoes I would digging a bit more to find out what was going on, quick @dietirnbruqueen get your sleuthing shoes on and investigate! I can't imagine anything in your life you'd prioritise this over!

If your son saw nothing, there is no basis to be involved.

I find it odd the mother contacted you directly. I would be very neutral on it myself.

Let's hope the other mother is not on here with all these lovely comments about her child who is going through a tough time.

If so, maybe she'll realise then what a tough time her son caused for other people?

And then what? She could build a time machine and go back and make it better? She can only try to make her son's current situation better, which she tried to do and was misguided. Misguided not evil. Yet the revenge and karma filled replies on here roll on , from other mums.

I think my advice to her would be to consider making a fresh start at a new school.

So maybe the boys she wants reported are just misguided too and she should be helping them?

That nice, immovable basic premise is too shallow for the real world. Also, the OP's son isn't desiring revenge. He just doesn't want trouble. They're not the same thing.
If the OP's son, say saw someone being beaten or raped. I'd definitely advise him to tell someone. And I'm sure the majority of posters here would. No matter what the victim did that's a clear problem.

But there's no similar evidence in this scenario. Another mum 'thought' that OP's son could vouch for hers, in the latest update OP's son hasn't 'seen' anything. So what exactly do you want him to do? Report hearsay? Which would necessitate further involvement and possible exposure of his identity because it's so vague... not to mention, not actual, concrete evidence?

Also I find it strange that people like @washitov who are so confident in the school's ability to handle reports correctly and keep information 'confidential' don't realise that, if they were indeed that capable. They'd have done something about the bullying already! They don't need this level of eyewitness evidence. It's a school not a murder committed on a rural country estate that requires a witness FFS. And from what OP's DS says it sounds like it's common knowledge among many of the students.

identifying and and reporting them would indeed help them as it might put a stop to their heinous behaviour.

How anyone could be happy turning a blind eye. I find that just, no words

OP son didn’t see anything, OP hasn’t saw anything, what are they turning a blind eye to? A boy is being bullied, the mother knows and the school know - why are you expecting some random mother to do about it?

I think the thing is, you do not actually know the situation; the mother should take it up with the school. I find the ask for validation a bit odd. And since the son has not seen anything, it is best not to engage.

That doesn't even make sense. She wants to help her son, stop the bullying. Like all mothers would want to do. Maybe he is being bullied, maybe he isn't but if he is she wants to help him. Perfectly normal motivation. Asking OP for help was misguided, that's all.

Regardless of history it’s a big no to even ask another child this! The risk being the bullies will turn on them

I do wonder if your DS has maybe been having some sort of involvement and the mother daresnt say it outright after last time?

Have you actually read the thread?

What exactly is OP's son supposed to report, given that he hasn't seen anything?

Agree Quite. This would be a big ask of a good friends teen let alone with this background. I actually think it’s a really unfair request. Mum should be sorting the issue herself not dragging other children into if.

It does sound like the other child desperately needed patient and supportive adults to help him come up with strategies for social situations and managing expectations of his peers. Just doing nothing and hoping their peers will "be kind" is a bad idea. Bullying him is wrong though.

No reason for the OPs child to be singled out here. The school need to deal with this.

That's a bit low accusing the op's son of being involved in the bullying!

Wow. After having had his life made miserable by this child and making every effort to avoid him ever since, you think his reluctance to get involved in the situation means he was one of the bullies himself ? He’s been asked if he saw anything. He said no, and he doesn’t want any further involvement. That should be the end of it.

Might give her some understanding of what her son put the OP’s child through, and the clear lasting effect it had on him. There’s no revenge or Karma sentiment to OP’s son’s reluctance to come to this boy’s defence. He’s been traumatised and doesn’t want any level of engagement - that should be enough.

Are we saying that kids who are vile at age 9-10 are not entitled to any protection in the future, from anything?

No, we’re saying that it’s not the OP’s job, or her son’s, to provide that protection. What posters seem to be missing here is that the other child has form for lying about being bullied and made the OP’s son’s life miserable in the process.

If OPs son hasn’t seen evidence of him being bullied for himself, why on earth do people think he would he defend him based on rumours he may have heard, and possibly end up getting some other innocent kid accused of something they haven’t done. This is pretty much an identical situation to his own. It was traumatising, it’s had a lasting effect and I can well understand his reluctance to get involved in a similar witch hunt to one on which he was once at the receiving end.