New baby announcement - hurt feelings. AIBU?

[SimplyMother]

My ex has just sent me a text during his custody of our child.

“Hello X, my wife and I are expecting our first child together soon. I’m just letting you know as we’ve just told DC, we’ll let you know of the due date closer to the month. Thanks.”

I’m quite the understanding person but I can’t help be be upset by this. I’m not sure if I’m a being unreasonable but I found this message to be spiteful? But I don’t see why he’d do this intentionally, as we coparent well and get along fine.

The first thing is that they’ve only been together for one year, and I’m suddenly finding out that they’re married. This hurts me as we were together for 2, yet he didn’t even propose, despite me asking and having our child in our first year together. He obviously knows this, hence why I feel like this was a slight jab - why wait till now to announce it and in this way?

I feel even more hurt due to his wording of “our first child together.” While the sentence is true, I find it to be crafted to be hurtful for some reason. I don’t know if it’s just me but I’d like a second opinion. For context we’ve been broken up for 3 years now.

Thank you.

It would be their first child together wether they just had one or ten ,It doesn't suggest anything

Where have I said they can’t have more??

He can phrase info about his new wife and new baby however he wants.
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Indeed he can — and I can express an opinion even if it’s not the same as yours! I do think it would have been slightly kinder to have worded the message slightly differently. Not sure why you have such an issue with that.

@BetterWithPockets in your post. You said they could have phrased it differently, as to say “first child” suggests there will be more. Which is irrelevant unless you’re making that out to be a bad thing or something they shouldn’t be doing.

We’ll have to agree to disagree on this. You’re allowed to infer whatever you want from my words. It doesn’t mean that’s what I was saying.

It's a little ironic that you're saying this on a post where we're deciphering someone else's message.

@BetterWithPockets I’m not inferring, I’m comprehending the words you typed out. You’ve not provided any other explanation for what those words apparently mean to you.

Of course you’re inferring. I didn’t say at any point it was a bad thing. Ergo, you’re inferring. Which is your prerogative.

@BetterWithPockets still not explained what you meant by it?….. simply saying you didn’t mean it as a bad thing isn’t the same as explaining what you actually think you meant. It’s pretty clear you phrased it as a negative way to break the news and that it read first of many. So what did you mean?

I simply meant that if he was trying to be particularly thoughtful about how he worded it, he could have just said, ‘we’re expecting a baby.’ They’re allowed to have as many children as they want (and send whatever message to OP they want) but ‘we’re expecting our first’ does suggest to me ‘there might be more’, and I can see that might hurt the OP. However I’m also pretty sure I said I didn’t think the message was meant to be hurtful so it’s not as though I’m saying he’s a terrible person/has done something awful.

From that message

Why would suggesting there might be more babies maybe hurt op? They are having a baby, that shouldn’t hurt op, but it has done. Why is it worse to suggest there may be more babies eventually? I don’t understand.

@BetterWithPockets so you were classing the “sounds like more to come” as a potentially intentional way to hurt op?

Fair enough, though that seems a stretch. I can’t say I read it that way at all, to me it was just one of many ways to say “we’re having a baby”, and it was good of him to even choose to tell her. I doubt he imagined the message was going to be dissected and interrogated by hundreds of people on the internet as to what his intent was 🤣

But equally, it may be their intention to have more, and definitely none of OP’s business either way. Personally I doubt this message was intended to upset her, it all sounds pretty amicable from her description.

I think he meant his first child with his WIFE, since the expected baby is not HIS first child, his child with OP is his first child and he was acknowleging that in a clumsy-ish way

No! I didn’t think it was intentional!

This makes sense.

To be fair, I don’t either any more!

@BetterWithPockets i said “potentially” intentional! Jesus, from my whole reply, THAT’S all you took? 🙄

Sorry! Was in a taxi and read and replied in haste! Then (if it’s any consolation) spent the next three hours or thereabouts thinking about it. And trying and failing to edit my comment… I even thought about replying again but to be honest, even I’m a little exhausted of analysing OP’s ex’s message by this point, and while I still think it’s a bit unnecessary to announce a first child (I mean, who says that? You just say you’re having a baby, surely?), this is really really really NOT a hill I want to die on, I promise...
(On the other hand, I could tell you my new theory — which occurred to me in the early hours of the morning — that the wife perhaps ‘helped’ craft the message, and it was done with the intention of putting OP in her place… Hence the ‘my wife’ rather than name; the first child reference; and the really weird thing about not letting OP know the due date until closer to the time. I mean, why not just say August or whatever, for God’s sake…? )

@BetterWithPockets I agree - but I wonder whether some boundaries wouldn't be helpful. It was unkind to tell her he was married in this way; but he was less invested in his relationship with the OP than she was, and he has moved on.

Of course it's painful. But it does get better, and the pain fades away. They will figure out how to manage the co-parenting relationship with new partners in the mix - if this is the worst of it, it won't be bad at all.

Judging by the fact that OP is outraged by Ex's request not to have DC to stay overnight during the fortnight pre- and post- birth of new baby, maybe he thinks that she will become deliberately difficult and obstructive if she knows at this stage exactly when it's due.

Something like, “Hello X, Y and I have gotten married and are expecting a baby this summer. I’m letting you know as I’ve just told DC/our daughter.”

I can see why you're hurt that he's married and it's all happened so quickly but honestly it's a bit off that you've convinced yourself it's offensive that he acknowledged that the baby is his child rather than just calling it "a baby" whereas want your child to be "our daughter". What would you say if his wife insisted it was offensive that he refer to your child together as his child?

I hadn’t seen that update but I think she’s right to be upset about that on her DC’s behalf. I don’t think it sends a very inclusive message at a time when her DC will possibly be feeling particularly sensitive and/or apprehensive about the new baby and her (I think it’s a DD?) place in her dad’s affections. I say this as a mum and stepmum.

She may have done, but I still feel like neither of them owe OP anything. I’m trying to think how I’d phrase it myself, I probably wouldn’t say first, but not for any particular reason, as it doesn’t sound wrong or bad to me as such….

As the partner of a divorcee, I wouldn’t be sharing anything about mine and DP’s life with his ex. It isn’t her business. They, too, split amicably, and our relationship and future together just isn’t anything to do with her, nor does she have a right to know about it. (I also wouldn’t plan to tell my own ex)

I’m quite a private person at the best of times though! 🙂

Honestly, I think no wording would have been okay to OP. She’s upset they have got married and seem to be happily expecting a baby together, which is not the experience OP had.

It’s why you shouldn’t have babies when the relationship is already not good, tbh. It never fixes it.

Don't be ridiculous