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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New baby announcement - hurt feelings. AIBU?

453 replies

SimplyMother · 04/02/2024 21:04

My ex has just sent me a text during his custody of our child.

“Hello X, my wife and I are expecting our first child together soon. I’m just letting you know as we’ve just told DC, we’ll let you know of the due date closer to the month. Thanks.”

I’m quite the understanding person but I can’t help be be upset by this. I’m not sure if I’m a being unreasonable but I found this message to be spiteful? But I don’t see why he’d do this intentionally, as we coparent well and get along fine.

The first thing is that they’ve only been together for one year, and I’m suddenly finding out that they’re married. This hurts me as we were together for 2, yet he didn’t even propose, despite me asking and having our child in our first year together. He obviously knows this, hence why I feel like this was a slight jab - why wait till now to announce it and in this way?

I feel even more hurt due to his wording of “our first child together.” While the sentence is true, I find it to be crafted to be hurtful for some reason. I don’t know if it’s just me but I’d like a second opinion. For context we’ve been broken up for 3 years now.

Thank you.

OP posts:
ElevenSeven · 06/02/2024 19:02

Shoopstoop · 06/02/2024 11:15

I think it’s worth noting that the fact that he is marrying her and didn’t marry you may have nothing whatsoever to do with her or you. It may be more about the fact that he has found himself knocking up women in rapid succession and feels like he needs to distinguish this latest situation to make him feel less freaked out about what’s he’s done and convince himself and others that he has some purposeful idea about what he’s doing which he perhaps may emphatically not.

Or he just loves her and wants to be married to her.

FatPrincess · 06/02/2024 19:04

Looks OK to me but I can see how the news would upset.

Charm24 · 06/02/2024 19:11

It sounds like he wasn’t really thinking through how you might take it. Personally I think he should have told you before your child (my partner told his ex, mother of his eldest, about our first baby way before we told his son and again with current pregnancy) but that’s a personal choice.

If you get on well, it might be worth saying that you were a little hurt by the way you found out but that you’re happy for them and wish them the best? or just have a moan to a friend and then try to let it go. It was always going to be painful for him to get married and have a child with someone else but not worth ruining your co parenting relationship.

Clarabell24 · 06/02/2024 19:12

I don't think the message is hurtful. I think you're just hurt/hurting. Which is perfectly understandable.

Have a good cry. In the morning (or in a couple of days at least) you'll feel better. Hugs xx

pollymere · 06/02/2024 19:17

He clearly didn't want you to find out via your kids. You are no longer together and he's hopefully happy with someone else when the two of you were not. Look for your own happiness and don't begrudge him his.

MsPloddingBottom · 06/02/2024 19:18

Shoopstoop · 06/02/2024 11:15

I think it’s worth noting that the fact that he is marrying her and didn’t marry you may have nothing whatsoever to do with her or you. It may be more about the fact that he has found himself knocking up women in rapid succession and feels like he needs to distinguish this latest situation to make him feel less freaked out about what’s he’s done and convince himself and others that he has some purposeful idea about what he’s doing which he perhaps may emphatically not.

Definitely possible that the marriage is symbolic. To those claiming this is bollocks, it doesn't mean he can't love her too.

ZombiesAreClammyDodgers · 06/02/2024 19:19

His message is matter of fact, and slightly passive aggressive. Overall, he could have done a bit better (esp.with the "wife" thing - and he keeps calling her his wife instead of by name in the next message too). I mean, we get it, you're married, but no need to rub it in your ex's face.
All that said, I think it's getting to you more than it should. You need to harden your heart and give him only the position of co parent.

BetterWithPockets · 06/02/2024 19:32

I’m not sure it’s intended to be hurtful, OP. But I do think he could have said ‘expecting a baby’ — ‘our first child together’ suggests to me ‘the first of many’…

anon666 · 06/02/2024 19:34

I think it's thoughtless of him, not considering how to communicate this to you and the DC.

I'd be very keen to not take this personally but it's complicated with your feelings about the end of your relationship.

It's almost certainly just him giving you the courtesy of knowing so you didn't hear it from the DC which would have been worse.

NoOrdinaryMorning · 06/02/2024 21:56

pinkcathat · 04/02/2024 21:43

Yeah I think it's a bit off.
If he wasn't trying to make a point/hurt you then he would have just said that 'he and X got married and they are now expecting a baby together'.
To just say 'my wife' when he hadn't told you he was getting married/ had got married has been done intentionally to make a point or provoke a reaction.
Also to say they are 'expecting their first child' is odd. You already know it will be their first child together. It comes across like he is trying to rub it in.
As for the mystery surrounding the due date. Fair enough not to say the due date... but why not the due month!? Again.. it seems to be making a point. I could be wrong but I have a feeling the new wife could be behind this, maybe she is feeling insecure and wants him to make a point to you so she can feel better.

This this this! It's all bull shit. That's why the due date is some kind of mystery because it's bullshit!

MixedCouple · 06/02/2024 21:59

I think his message is put together well.
You are reading into it too much maybe due to your own trauma over the relationship as you said he didn't propose deapite being together 2 years etc.
He did the right thing just take some time to process it and try reapond maturely. Keep things civil for your DC and his.

NoOrdinaryMorning · 06/02/2024 22:03

@RogueFemale Why didn't you wait until marriage to have a child?

Excuse you?!?!?

NoOrdinaryMorning · 06/02/2024 22:05

PlipPlopChoo · 04/02/2024 23:52

What should he have done?

Carrier pigeon? Morse code? Announcement on Radio 4?

You're not very observant are you??

T1Dmama · 06/02/2024 22:53

I’d be more upset that your child wasn’t involved in the wedding.
but I’d text back and say ‘we’ll it sounds like double congrats are in order, sorry I didn’t even know you’d got married, but congrats!’

I wouldn’t let it bother you though OP, thank god he didn’t marry you as it didn’t last anyway… maybe she got pregnant and they had a quick registry office wedding somewhere? But again I wouldn’t give it any thought….

Midwinter91 · 06/02/2024 23:00

The wording does seem slightly pointed to me, overly formal. He could have said e.g ‘I wanted to let you know me and Katie are having a baby’

Mumof2teens79 · 06/02/2024 23:30

I know you said you tried to make it work, but you were really only together because you were pregnant and that's why you weren't married. It seems this is a relationship about them, and hence why he wanted to be married before the baby arrived (although they must have only just been pregnant).

I think some of the later formality and standoffishness maybe because of you asking questions and challenging him on due dates....its not really any of your business except for the effect on custody arrangements.

Speaking of which, I completely understand them wanting to avoid overnights around the birth. Obviously couples with two children don't have this luxury but often older siblings do stay with grandparents for several days at least. I think if I had the option of a second home where DD was secure and wither parent I would absolutely send her off. The first couple of weeks aren't pleasant for the mum....even with your own children around. Having step children etc is an added layer of not being able to fully relax.

It is a bit weird how he told you they were married...from this I would guess he was worried how you would react....and he may well be right.

Euni2023 · 07/02/2024 06:03

Speaks volumes She’s wrote it …

1Rebecca · 07/02/2024 08:28

ZombiesAreClammyDodgers · 06/02/2024 19:19

His message is matter of fact, and slightly passive aggressive. Overall, he could have done a bit better (esp.with the "wife" thing - and he keeps calling her his wife instead of by name in the next message too). I mean, we get it, you're married, but no need to rub it in your ex's face.
All that said, I think it's getting to you more than it should. You need to harden your heart and give him only the position of co parent.

OP said that he called her GF/Partner before.

Shoopstoop · 07/02/2024 10:32

I’m sure you have complete agreement from many wives of men with kids from a previous relationship. Doesn’t mean it’s not possible.

DoILookThrilled · 07/02/2024 14:59

I don’t see the issue with any of his messages. He didn’t have to tell you, he could have left you to work it all out of yourself. You sound put out and jealous but people do move on with other people, get married, have other children etc

ThomasinaLivesHere · 07/02/2024 15:04

People are saying he didn’t give much thought to how OP would receive it but I don’t think that’s necessarily the case. I’ve spent time trying to write the perfect message only to end up deleting the paragraph I wrote and ending up with something that was short and to the point as I thought that was best rather than going on about it. I think no matter what he wrote you’d have issues and people would find issues with it. People have said he’s rubbing his marriage in your face but he never directly addresses it so there’s no way to avoid that charge. If he’d gone with some of the messages suggested here people who find issues.

DeeLusional · 07/02/2024 20:41

OP seems bitter jealous and resentful and there is nothing her DC's father could have done or said, or any other way he could have done or said it, that would have made a blind bit of difference to how OP feels about it. They got pregnant too soon, she wanted him to marry her, he didn't want to marry her, he found someone else he wanted to marry. He has been a responsible, considerate loving father to OP's child but that cuts no ice with OP, he will always be in the wrong. OP needs to move on.

phummed7 · 08/02/2024 08:15

Wording that show respect..like" Hi, I wanted to let you know that DC will be having a brother or sister! Will communicate details in the coming months thanks"

SkySecret · 08/02/2024 09:15

BetterWithPockets · 06/02/2024 19:32

I’m not sure it’s intended to be hurtful, OP. But I do think he could have said ‘expecting a baby’ — ‘our first child together’ suggests to me ‘the first of many’…

So? Why are they not allowed to have more? 😂

This poor guy now appears to have a ball and chain around his ankle for ever having had a previous partner. People split up and move on ALL the time. That doesn’t mean they owe anything to their ex for the rest of their lives.

The guy and OP made a mistake and got pregnant when they weren’t even together. OP’s drip feed says they got together just because of the baby and clearly she liked him more than he liked her, it was never going to last.

He can phrase info about his new wife and new baby however he wants. His only obligation is to his existing daughter, and it appears he is fulfilling that obligation.

SheilaFentiman · 08/02/2024 11:29

He’s not opting out of overnights, he’s saying that around the time
of the birth, the existing DC would go to the grandparents overnight IF op didn’t want to cover it.

This is not unreasonable- particularly pre birth as it covers middle of the night hospital dashes

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