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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New baby announcement - hurt feelings. AIBU?

453 replies

SimplyMother · 04/02/2024 21:04

My ex has just sent me a text during his custody of our child.

“Hello X, my wife and I are expecting our first child together soon. I’m just letting you know as we’ve just told DC, we’ll let you know of the due date closer to the month. Thanks.”

I’m quite the understanding person but I can’t help be be upset by this. I’m not sure if I’m a being unreasonable but I found this message to be spiteful? But I don’t see why he’d do this intentionally, as we coparent well and get along fine.

The first thing is that they’ve only been together for one year, and I’m suddenly finding out that they’re married. This hurts me as we were together for 2, yet he didn’t even propose, despite me asking and having our child in our first year together. He obviously knows this, hence why I feel like this was a slight jab - why wait till now to announce it and in this way?

I feel even more hurt due to his wording of “our first child together.” While the sentence is true, I find it to be crafted to be hurtful for some reason. I don’t know if it’s just me but I’d like a second opinion. For context we’ve been broken up for 3 years now.

Thank you.

OP posts:
lifehappens12 · 05/02/2024 18:15

Hi, others won't agree but the least he could have done is talked to you about it face to face or given you some notice.

My partner had a child when me met. When we found out that I was expecting we told his ex first when I was just beyond 12 weeks and then told his daughter a couple of months later. We just said I was fat.

We wanted his ex to have lots of time to process the news before supporting his son.

There will be people who won't agree but as we are all involved in his son's life we wanted to ensure that we do things in the best way for all including considering his ex's feeling. She and you are important people

Atethehalloweenchocs · 05/02/2024 18:16

Very gently, I think it has hit a nerve, which is perfectly understandable, but I dont see it as spiteful or jabbing you- he is keeping things short and factual. Be upset by all means but dont let it affect your co parenting with him.

Pollyannamex · 05/02/2024 18:25

You are being unreasonable sorry. He hasn’t done anything wrong and it looks like you are just picking arguments because you’ve had your feelings hurt.

Noglitterallowed · 05/02/2024 18:29

Lotus3 · 05/02/2024 15:19

I'm going to go against the grain here and say YANBU. BECAUSE.

Provided you are genuinely very amicable and coparent well together in a friendly way, and he accepts, nay, reveres, that you will be a major part of managing your child's feelings around this revelation, here's what he could have done:

  • Let you know he was considering marrying his partner.
  • Let you know he had gone ahead and added a stepmother to your child's family.
  • Let you know they were trying for a child.
  • Let you prepare your child for the likelihood of another sibling on the horizon.

The message isn't worded spitefully, no, but his behaviour is appalling. You share a child fgs, he doesn't get the right to hide such major life changes from you and expect you to just roll with it out of the blue. It's rude. Signed, someone whose dad did exactly this to them.

Edited

Why on earth would anyone feel the need to announce to an ex that they were trying for a baby?? What planted do you live on? I can only assume this comment is a joke to be honest

TooOldForThisNonsense · 05/02/2024 18:31

I think 'our first child together' is OK

Holding off telling you roughly when it's due is a bit weird.

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 05/02/2024 18:31

It’s certainly formal. You sure she didn’t craft the text?

DistinguishedSocialCommenator · 05/02/2024 18:45

TBH, its very decent of him to let you know.

Salaaaaaaaah · 05/02/2024 18:56

cauliflowerqueen · 04/02/2024 21:14

It's difficult to be objective about a message of such importance from someone you have a painful history with. From an outsider's perspective, it doesn't sound calculated to hurt, but that doesn't mean you are unreasonable to feel how you feel.

Think that's spot on.

As you say, objectively speaking it looks perfectly fine, but OP is struggling to be objective given she's the one who had history with him.

So, YANBU to feel the way you feel OP. Hope you can overcome it though.

1989whome · 05/02/2024 19:08

Yes you are being a bit over sensitive. Your romantic relationship has gone, as long as he keeps co-parenting your child as he already is then what's the problem? My ex of 3 years is due a new baby anytime now with his new partner, he told me when he dropped our child off on weekend. Thank you for telling me and congrats! What else is there to say.You need to get on board coz if it's anything like my boy the new baby is all they will talk about lol. It's lush that he's excited.

Turtletumy · 05/02/2024 19:09

Thoughtless but not spiteful

Beachywave · 05/02/2024 20:00

It’s definitely cold but it’s not spiteful.

sandyhappypeople · 05/02/2024 21:45

SimplyMother · 05/02/2024 11:29

@LillythePinky@1Rebecca

There’s no need for this back and forth. I had texted him, asking if DD attended the wedding, and why he had her attend without notifying me.

This is his response, “Hi X, I understand your concern but no, we didn’t have DC attend the wedding, as we didn’t have one. We just had a quick ceremony at the registry office 3 months ago, so that we’re married before the baby arrives. We plan to have a proper wedding Ceremony sometime next year, where DC will be present. We plan to do this during my custody time, but you will be notified anyways.

Regarding the due date, I don’t think I’m obligated to give you the exact date right now and would like to keep this private. I have already given you the month, and I believe this is sufficient.

Regarding custody of DC, you’re correct to bring this up, though my wife and I have yet to conclude what we’d do. It could be that the week of and the week after the child’s birth, we’d prefer you to have overnights with DC. It could also before the week before and the week of the birth. In any case, DC is still welcome during the day as usual to spend time with us and her new sibling, just not overnight for a week or two. This is also dependent on my work schedule. If you can’t do the overnights, that’s fine, my parents are happy to have DC overnight.”

There was more, but I don’t think it’s relevant. When it comes to their timeline, he told me about his new relationship in November, and that he’d introduce our DC to her in March “as it would’ve been 6 months.” Which he did do.

Edited

This message is so much better OP, this is the exact terminology and style of writing I would expect from someone who has known you really well in the past and is a co-parent with you now. Reading that it becomes plainly obvious that the other message was written by the wife, or heavily edited by the wife to only give the absolute bare minimum of details, it explains the bluntness of it, which seemed completely unnecessary seeing as you are quite amicable.

I can understand him not wanting to have DC overnight if there's an option for her to stay at home with you around the time of the birth, chances are she's going to be disturbed and overlooked somewhat while they get themselves setup into a routine, if it's just a couple of weeks and she's welcome during the day then I think that's perfectly reasonable to show a preference, as long as it doesn't become a habit!

I hope you feel a little better about the situation now you've had to chance to think about it more, it's always horrible when someone you thought you could have a future with seems to just move on so quickly with someone else, I had it once and I remember thinking at the time, that I wish I was in a settled relationship already as I wouldn't feel so shit about seeing them happy together, I think it's just human nature and it can take a while for your heart to heal, there is a better future waiting for you though.

Katbum · 05/02/2024 22:33

OP - kindly, you need to move on from your ex. He does not owe you anything except civil co- parenting and is allowed to have a child or several with his wife. This is not spite. It is him having moved on. It is right he told your child first and kind he is letting you know as a courtesy. His wife and children need to be his priority and the only requirement from his relationship with you is civility and for it not to impact his relationship with his wife.

Katbum · 05/02/2024 22:36

I’m sure his wife would love it if he told his ex they were trying for a baby!

If you coparent with an ex and you are in a new marriage then the new marriage is obviously the priority along with your kids. This man is keeping his ex in the loop with important updates, in a cordial manner not likely to upset his pregnant wife. You can’t really expect more of the man.

Katbum · 05/02/2024 22:40

Thank you! Yes. This is it. In a blended family stepparents get the blame for all the horrible losses and compromises children of break ups go through. The truth is it’s the bio parents who failed to provide the stable family and stepparents cannot be expected to ameliorate what was not their fault.

BobLemon · 06/02/2024 09:58

😅 absolutely bonkers. My DH’s ExW told me that she had a “right to know” if we were trying to conceive. It was at this moment I stopped giving her benefit of the doubt and chalked her up as full on batshit.

Shoopstoop · 06/02/2024 11:15

I think it’s worth noting that the fact that he is marrying her and didn’t marry you may have nothing whatsoever to do with her or you. It may be more about the fact that he has found himself knocking up women in rapid succession and feels like he needs to distinguish this latest situation to make him feel less freaked out about what’s he’s done and convince himself and others that he has some purposeful idea about what he’s doing which he perhaps may emphatically not.

DocOck · 06/02/2024 12:13

Or he just wanted to marry her. Why overthink it.

pineapplecrushed · 06/02/2024 17:51

It's weird. Why didn't he just say X is pregnant? Or we're expecting a baby? 'First child' is odd.

OVienna · 06/02/2024 17:56

Ok - I selected YABU after the OP and this is a case where I wish I'd read all of your posts. I have now.

I think YABU calling the initial message 'spiteful' - it's fine. Don't look for problems where there are none...and there are some here to think about potentially.

He is being unreasonable, precious, irritating, and incomprehensible in not sharing the actual due date with you (at least the week) AND expecting you to be totally flexible about caring arrangements for your DC. "We might want this, we might want that, we'll let you know." NAH. Why on earth would the due date need to be so private? I guess to give themselves maximum flexibility around caring arrangements with you but it's odd and unnecessary. Also - I do think it's tacky to go one about 'my wife and I'. A thinking person might have just used her name in this context, I reckon. Friendlier and more sensitive. It's hard that you're finding this out all at once.

OVienna · 06/02/2024 17:59

Shoopstoop · 06/02/2024 11:15

I think it’s worth noting that the fact that he is marrying her and didn’t marry you may have nothing whatsoever to do with her or you. It may be more about the fact that he has found himself knocking up women in rapid succession and feels like he needs to distinguish this latest situation to make him feel less freaked out about what’s he’s done and convince himself and others that he has some purposeful idea about what he’s doing which he perhaps may emphatically not.

Yes possible

saffy2 · 06/02/2024 18:09

I think it’s a reasonable message, and I think it’s nice of him to let you know.
it is odd that he hasnt let you know he is married, and I would be annoyed. But he doesn’t owe you anything with telling you about his life. And the fact that you’re upset and hurt and not just annoyed that something that affects your child’s life you weren’t informed about says a lot I think. I think you probably aren’t over him. I mean, did you child not attend/be a part of the wedding? That’s really weird, my ex just got
married and our son attended and was best man! (He is older).
when I told my ex abouty subsequent pregnancies, it was also via message and also just a short message, just to let know y and I are having a baby, due around x. We’ve told child and I’m sure he will talk to you about it.
i don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with his message.

Lollipop81 · 06/02/2024 18:11

I think I would have liked to have known before he told my child. However, I’m guessing he may have found it really awkward to tell you and that’s why he did it by text and as other have said probably drafted it with his wife. Would make me wonder why he would feel awkward telling you though 🤷‍♀️

DeeLusional · 06/02/2024 18:17

Shoopstoop · 06/02/2024 11:15

I think it’s worth noting that the fact that he is marrying her and didn’t marry you may have nothing whatsoever to do with her or you. It may be more about the fact that he has found himself knocking up women in rapid succession and feels like he needs to distinguish this latest situation to make him feel less freaked out about what’s he’s done and convince himself and others that he has some purposeful idea about what he’s doing which he perhaps may emphatically not.

Bollocks.

threatmatrix · 06/02/2024 19:00

No matter how you feel inside you must reply with ‘oh what fantastic news, I’m so pleased for you’

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