New baby announcement - hurt feelings. AIBU?

[SimplyMother]

My ex has just sent me a text during his custody of our child.

“Hello X, my wife and I are expecting our first child together soon. I’m just letting you know as we’ve just told DC, we’ll let you know of the due date closer to the month. Thanks.”

I’m quite the understanding person but I can’t help be be upset by this. I’m not sure if I’m a being unreasonable but I found this message to be spiteful? But I don’t see why he’d do this intentionally, as we coparent well and get along fine.

The first thing is that they’ve only been together for one year, and I’m suddenly finding out that they’re married. This hurts me as we were together for 2, yet he didn’t even propose, despite me asking and having our child in our first year together. He obviously knows this, hence why I feel like this was a slight jab - why wait till now to announce it and in this way?

I feel even more hurt due to his wording of “our first child together.” While the sentence is true, I find it to be crafted to be hurtful for some reason. I don’t know if it’s just me but I’d like a second opinion. For context we’ve been broken up for 3 years now.

Thank you.

I know it's a shock but I don't think it's spiteful - he's just letting you know. My ex didn't tell me directly, I had to find out from our child. I wish he'd have sent a text like the one you got.
Wish him well and move on with your life and happiness.

I didn’t, as I explained above, I’ve just found out as he’s called her his wife. When before she was “girlfriend/partner.”

I can see why you're hurt, and I'm sorry

Are you possibly jealous of the fact he's married her and didn't propose to you? Men seem to do this. I was with my ex 11 years, he got together with OW after an affair and they were married within a year.

Oh OP, I can see why you're hurt although he's done nothing wrong with this text. He bothered to marry this other woman and left you hanging after you bore his child, but it's been 3 years since you were together.

He could've said 'a child soon', or any other wording, but it won't change the fact that he married her and not you,

Unlike other PP I wouldn't bother to offer congratulations/fake gush over what a good sister your child will be. Just send a thumbs up emoji. And be prepared to support your child when the new sibling comes along.

It’s totally understandable you feel hurt. But at least you received the news away from them and your DD so you have time to process the hurt, and put your best excited face on for DD who is going to be an amazing big sister.

It’s not the way you’d planned your life to go forward I’m sure, I understand the pain.

@Oneigeishma @BintuBombatu Thank you. Though I am saddened by the marital news, it’s more so the wording of “our first child together,” and I would’ve preferred something more neutral like “a child.” I think I’ll go with your response.

The message isn't spiteful, but you're human and its understandable that you're upset. It's hard even if you're 'over' the relationship to hear the new woman has what you wanted (marriage), ans its a lot in one message; wedding and new baby.

Reach out to friends who'll understand and take it easy.

I can see how the "my wife and I" bit is hurtful given that he hadn't previously told you that they were getting married or had married. It's a shit way to tell you that info by hiding it in the pregnancy announcement. But hey-ho you know now I guess. Sorry it's been announced in that way, probably an attempt to fend off awkward conversations by presenting the whole lot as a fait accompli.

The baby is their first child together though. Most people in conversation would say our first child without highlighting the together part, so he probably was consciously trying to be thoughtful.

Yes, I can see this, and can acknowledge that I’m projecting.

I can’t see anything spiteful in his message, it’s very factual.

It seems that you are not over him, and I really feel for you. Is counselling an option?

The only response I would send is “Congratulations to you both “

YANBU because the message comes across as unfriendly given you have an amicable coparenting relationship. I can see why it's hurtful or at least a bit like 'oh, ok...'

But the fact that he didn't propose etc to you... well, it is what it is. It does mean that his relationship with the new woman is perfect just because they're married. That isn't a measure of much, really.

It's a lot to take in via one brief message. Both the introduction of his wife and their new baby. I understand why you'd be hurt.

For me it's the "Thanks." at the end which is the strangest part. The rest is brief but factual, and I think you should take note of the word together, it reads as though he's very aware that your DC isn't any less important.

The marriage bit may have been a shock but generally the wording is fine. But the part where he says they’ll let you know the due date closer to the time is a bit off, to me anyway. I may be an over thinker but I’d be wary that it’s a preemptive ‘I will be signing off all parental duties at short notice close to x’s due date and will not resume until baby is z amount of weeks old’.

Wow okay, I’ll ask for clarification on this. In all honesty, I thought they just wanted to keep the due date private, like they did their marriage. Thanks for bringing this up.

I can understand how it hurt but its an ok message.
As for wedding. Its easy to keep quiet we did, as dh ex would have stopped dsc coming that week had she of known it was our wedding day.
When she found out she went batshit! Said we had no right to make dsc a part of it!! Wtf.
( im not saying that's what you're like, im saying its easy to keep a wedding quiet)

On the flipside of the coin, i remember my ex getting married and feeling that hurt. Altho no more dcs his side

The dropping "my wife" in as his way of telling you they're married isn't the nicest way of doing it. I hadn't realised that was the first you knew about that. As to "out first child together", he could have just said they were expecting a baby, no need for mentioning first anything.

You're allowed to feel a bit shit about it. Have you got a friend who you could meet up with to cheer you up?

it’s more so the wording of “our first child together,” and I would’ve preferred something more neutral like “a child.”

I can see what you're getting at, but (kindly) I think you're splitting hairs. And even if the wording is slightly off, I don't think it comes across as spiteful, which suggests a deliberate attempt to hurt you.
I think it sounds quite carefully worded, like he's tried to find the best way to say it.

Don’t go jumping the gun! I’d say ‘That’s wonderful, could you give me the month new sibling is due so can prep Our Child that they miss one visiting weekend with dad around that time? And obviously coming after that to a new sibling, who I know they’ll adore but might be a bit of an adjustment. Congratulations, lovely news for you both.’

@SimplyMother

Are you hurt because he dropped in that they’re married when you didn’t know, and also, the formal tone? Like he doesn’t really know you? Not sure why he couldn’t have said ‘Just to let you know cos I’ve told DC, Sam and I are having a baby, due late summer, will update when I know the date.’

You get on well as co-parents and I couldn’t imagine a message like that from someone I was on amicable terms with, so I can kind of see where you’re coming from.

While his marriage is undeniably his business, I could see it could also be a shock to read that he’s married via ‘my wife and I.’

What I would say is that a lot of time people don’t think hugely hard about the implications of their comms and tone is a weird one over text. Doubt it’s intentionally hurtful, in fact, he may not have known quite how to phrase it so went formal rather than chatty; some PPs have said ‘this is how it’s done.’

Don’t react, just congrats, exciting etc it’s not worth your upset, take the high road.

I think it's a straightforward and reasonable message.

I don't think you're unreasonable to feel hurt by the situation either though.

Isn't it best he tells you than you find out from someone else?

Sounds as though the mum to be composed the message. That's why it reads strangely and slightly smug/formal

Yeah I think it's a bit off.
If he wasn't trying to make a point/hurt you then he would have just said that 'he and X got married and they are now expecting a baby together'.
To just say 'my wife' when he hadn't told you he was getting married/ had got married has been done intentionally to make a point or provoke a reaction.
Also to say they are 'expecting their first child' is odd. You already know it will be their first child together. It comes across like he is trying to rub it in.
As for the mystery surrounding the due date. Fair enough not to say the due date... but why not the due month!? Again.. it seems to be making a point. I could be wrong but I have a feeling the new wife could be behind this, maybe she is feeling insecure and wants him to make a point to you so she can feel better.

You’re being very unreasonable. It’s nothing to do with you. It’s their baby, their marriage, their business. How you feel about it is totally irrelevant.