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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New baby announcement - hurt feelings. AIBU?

453 replies

SimplyMother · 04/02/2024 21:04

My ex has just sent me a text during his custody of our child.

“Hello X, my wife and I are expecting our first child together soon. I’m just letting you know as we’ve just told DC, we’ll let you know of the due date closer to the month. Thanks.”

I’m quite the understanding person but I can’t help be be upset by this. I’m not sure if I’m a being unreasonable but I found this message to be spiteful? But I don’t see why he’d do this intentionally, as we coparent well and get along fine.

The first thing is that they’ve only been together for one year, and I’m suddenly finding out that they’re married. This hurts me as we were together for 2, yet he didn’t even propose, despite me asking and having our child in our first year together. He obviously knows this, hence why I feel like this was a slight jab - why wait till now to announce it and in this way?

I feel even more hurt due to his wording of “our first child together.” While the sentence is true, I find it to be crafted to be hurtful for some reason. I don’t know if it’s just me but I’d like a second opinion. For context we’ve been broken up for 3 years now.

Thank you.

OP posts:
MixingPlaydough · 05/02/2024 15:26

Lotus3 · 05/02/2024 15:22

Absolutely yes. Why wouldn't you share that? It's duplicitous not to.

Why should he share that information. If the OP had another child do you think she should have to tell him she was having sex because let's be honest here that's effectively what you're telling people when you say you're trying for a baby??

SemperIdem · 05/02/2024 15:28

Personally I wouldn’t tell anybody my partner and I were trying for a baby. It’s absolutely nobody else’s business and I don’t know anyone in real life who has such a strange perspective @Lotus3

Spirallingdownwards · 05/02/2024 15:34

Lotus3 · 05/02/2024 15:22

Absolutely yes. Why wouldn't you share that? It's duplicitous not to.

I didn't even tell my best friends or parents I was trying for a baby. Why would I tell my ex husband. Its private. It may not happen. There may be miscarriages along the way (there were). It's noone's business but the couples until they conceive and then it is up to them when they tell people.

1Rebecca · 05/02/2024 15:39

SemperIdem · 05/02/2024 15:28

Personally I wouldn’t tell anybody my partner and I were trying for a baby. It’s absolutely nobody else’s business and I don’t know anyone in real life who has such a strange perspective @Lotus3

Right? @Lotus3 must be trolling…

• She’s not his consultant, friend, family or anything of that sort, for him to have to announce that he may be marrying someone to her. She should assume this could be possible when he announces that he’s dating someone seriously enough to introduce their child.
• He’s already let OP know, implicitly, that he’s put someone in that role, when he told OP that his gf met their DD and that they live together.
• This is ridiculous and doesn’t deserve to be entertained. This is information that most people keep private, and wait for the first scan or couple of months to announce to family even.
• He has done this by letting OP know months in advance, and telling her before she reunites with DD.

If anyone, Lotus is the most unreasonable person, for that third point alone.

ZoeCM · 05/02/2024 16:00

Changerazelea · 05/02/2024 03:52

Why oh why does anyone think a text is an appropriate way of communicating this news? OP you have dodged a bullet there, what a charmer! Doesn't have the courage to tell you to your face.

Why would he be afraid to tell her to her face that he's got married? He's done nothing wrong.

PinkEasterbunny · 05/02/2024 16:01

SemperIdem · 05/02/2024 15:28

Personally I wouldn’t tell anybody my partner and I were trying for a baby. It’s absolutely nobody else’s business and I don’t know anyone in real life who has such a strange perspective @Lotus3

This!

Littlemisslaughalot · 05/02/2024 16:05

@SimplyMother I rolled my eyes so hard they actually hurt. Stop making this about you and stop questioning, pre-empting issues. He had the courtesy to tell you his news, in quite a nice way I think. He answered your questions quite honestly and patiently. You literally should have just replied with, thanks for letting me know, congratulations. You've obviously got some issues with him and you can't help how you feel, I know it's hard to feel hurt when someone else is moving on. But he's done nothing wrong, you're looking for issues and you're making a drama out of nothing. Leave him to enjoy this lovely time. If you can't message something nice don't message at all.

cassy16 · 05/02/2024 16:25

MixingPlaydough · 05/02/2024 11:43

I sort of feel like you're desperately looking for any reason to be mad at him to be honest. He said if you couldn't accommodate them stopping his parents would have her. So he's already given you a perfectly reasonable alternative? Why is that him escaping overnights?

Show quote history

Yes I completely agree, there was nothing wrong with the original text. He was actually being really considerate by trying to let her know so that she didn’t find out through all the channels. He also doesn’t sound like the type that would want to “escape overnights”, definitely looking for reasons to be mad

alwaystired42 · 05/02/2024 16:27

i think I’d rather be informed over text than in person so I could process my emotions in private.
I don’t think his message is particularly spiteful, I think your hurt because he’s married her, but didn’t ask you, which I think it completely normal.
I do find it odd that he hasn’t revealed the due date so you can help to prepare your child for their new half sibling

0MammaBear0 · 05/02/2024 16:34

Your ex told your DC, so how would you have felt if your DC had come home after and told you that "daddy is going to have a baby" had he not messaged you to tell you first?

tennesseewhiskey1 · 05/02/2024 16:34

Sorry OP - you sound like you’re just looking to be angry with him - simply because he got married to her and not to you. He didn’t want to marry you. You’ve said yourself - you stayed together because you fell pregnant, you would not have been together if not for your child. Maybe he panned this baby with her and wanted to marry her. That’s ok. In regards to the messages - I think he’s been clear and concise. Sorry - I know you probably feel upset.

ShortRun · 05/02/2024 16:38

I think youre allowed to feel hurt/ sad/ rejection/ mournful in this situation. Take the time to process your feelings. However I don't think he's been rude or it's spiteful, especially in light of you saying you have a good relationship co-parenting. I think he's made a statement, he's probably worrying about how you'll react and is rubbish at dealing with any potential fall out he's convinced himself there's going to be. I think it's actually lovely that he's said our first child together because it shows he hasn't written off your child together. He's also probably mention "wife" this way so he doesn't have to face you to say it, he knows it's going to be a question in your head "why her and not me". Would it have been better if he came over and flaunted her ring in your face or if they'd arrived with baby one day? I was glad my ex informed me over message, it meant he didn't have to see my reaction to it all. Just send him a message congratulating them both and count your lucky stars you didn't get tied down to someone who doesn't value you.

forthelovesofmogs · 05/02/2024 16:43

@Lotus3
what do you think would have happened if OP said she wasn’t happy with him getting married, etc. - should he have not gone ahead?

this is laughable 😂

ExpressCheckout · 05/02/2024 16:46

BeardieWeirdie · 04/02/2024 21:10

“Our first child together” is exactly the best way to describe it without minimising his child with you. You need to let this go. It’s good that he told you, and via text means you don’t need to save face/cry in front of him. Please get some counselling so you can move past your break-up.

^This, exactly.

DeeLusional · 05/02/2024 16:49

SimplyMother · 05/02/2024 11:40

@Buckarood I’m sorry but I don’t see why he should escape overnights. That’s still his child.

Edited

If you were this unreasonable when you were together, I'm not surprised it didn't work.

DocOck · 05/02/2024 16:54

Lol @Lotus3

  • Let you know he was considering marrying his partner.
  • Let you know he had gone ahead and added a stepmother to your child's family.
  • Let you know they were trying for a child.
  • Let you prepare your child for the likelihood of another sibling on the horizon.

Nope. None of those things are the OP's business.

FUPAgirl · 05/02/2024 16:54

Your response is very telling. I suspect he was dreading having to tell you.

mayorofcasterbridge · 05/02/2024 16:55

There was nothing wrong with the first message imo. I think it sounds quite carefully thought out, though he didn't need to use the "first baby" words at all.

However, he's a cheeky bastard for pushing out his existing child for 2 weeks around the birth, and he's also a fucker for not revealing the due date! That's just odd, and would make me suspicious. Oh and for not telling you he had got married for 3 months!! Those things are relevant to your child!

He's going the right way to make your DD jealous!

mayorofcasterbridge · 05/02/2024 16:56

DeeLusional · 05/02/2024 16:49

If you were this unreasonable when you were together, I'm not surprised it didn't work.

Show quote history

And there the character assassination sets in...

mayorofcasterbridge · 05/02/2024 16:57

FUPAgirl · 05/02/2024 16:54

Your response is very telling. I suspect he was dreading having to tell you.

Why? The OP literally said that they have a good co-parenting relationship?!

5128gap · 05/02/2024 16:58

I think its fine. Its polite and tells you what you need to know as a co parent. The first child together thing is probably habit on his part as he will be getting used to people saying 'is it your first?' and giving that as the stock answer. It sounds as though you haven't quite got your ex onto the shelf he should be occupying in your life yet OP, and are still sensitive. I wish you a speedy journey to the time when his life no longer hurts you.

coursey · 05/02/2024 17:01

These things are tough and we're human beings. But they stop being tough. You'll be okay! Keep going, even if it's a rictus grin at times.

Velvethoneydew · 05/02/2024 17:03

It's hard finding this out but at least this way you have time to process the information rather than being blind sided by it in person. I found out my ex and his partner were expecting their first child together when they returned my DS after a weekend and said 'DS, show mummy your new T-shirt'. He was wearing a T-shirt with the slogan 'I'm the big brother'... I was in a good place and had a reasonable relationship with my ex so wasn't hurt by the news but still somewhat taken aback by how it was the delivered!

NotInScotlandAnymore · 05/02/2024 17:09

Better than not being told about the baby at all, which is my experience! Found out when he was about 18 months old (and my son had been carrying the burden of the secret all that time ☹ )

LividBreeze · 05/02/2024 17:20

I think once you’re used to this sort of pass-ag nonsense you see it from a mile away.

“My wife and I” when he knows full well he hadn’t told you they were married. Vomit.

Making the due date a big secret. Double vomit.

I’m with you, OP.

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