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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New baby announcement - hurt feelings. AIBU?

453 replies

SimplyMother · 04/02/2024 21:04

My ex has just sent me a text during his custody of our child.

“Hello X, my wife and I are expecting our first child together soon. I’m just letting you know as we’ve just told DC, we’ll let you know of the due date closer to the month. Thanks.”

I’m quite the understanding person but I can’t help be be upset by this. I’m not sure if I’m a being unreasonable but I found this message to be spiteful? But I don’t see why he’d do this intentionally, as we coparent well and get along fine.

The first thing is that they’ve only been together for one year, and I’m suddenly finding out that they’re married. This hurts me as we were together for 2, yet he didn’t even propose, despite me asking and having our child in our first year together. He obviously knows this, hence why I feel like this was a slight jab - why wait till now to announce it and in this way?

I feel even more hurt due to his wording of “our first child together.” While the sentence is true, I find it to be crafted to be hurtful for some reason. I don’t know if it’s just me but I’d like a second opinion. For context we’ve been broken up for 3 years now.

Thank you.

OP posts:
Mountain9 · 05/02/2024 12:52

Message seems perfect to me; but I ama very factual straight to the point person

I would say congratulations and thank you for letting me know.

SpeedyDrama · 05/02/2024 12:53

PinkEasterbunny · 05/02/2024 12:49

I have seen first time mums to be have their arses handed to them on here for suggesting that step DC have a short period of no overnights once their own baby is born. And I have to say I agree - if you choose to have DC with a man who already has DC, you unfortunately don’t get to do those “firsts” in your little bubble of 3 as you would if it were the first baby for both of you. It’s tough but surely obvious that that is the deal?

Well it would be the deal if the step child's mother was no longer around, but thats not often the case. In which case is it really so bad for a new mum to have a day or two to adjust without the older children around (as often happens in together families and no one bats an eyelid). Sadly so many women act out of spite.

It’s not spite to expect a child’s father (who only sees said child a few days a month as it is) to behave like a full parent on their time. So in full time families it may not mean as much for mums to have a couple of days ‘quiet time’ with a newborn, but for a child who’s time with one parent is precious enough as it is, being sent away because there’s a new child could be hurtful and damaging. It’s a very ‘tread lightly’ moment.

Mycatsarethebest · 05/02/2024 12:53

It does seem very formal - I would have expected " Hello X, Just to let you know that NAME and I are going to be having a baby. I'm planning on telling DC this weekend. Baby is due June"

coursey · 05/02/2024 12:54

if you choose to have DC with a man who already has DC, you unfortunately don’t get to do those “firsts” in your little bubble of 3 as you would if it were the first baby for both of you. It’s tough but surely obvious that that is the deal?

Why not, it's only a couple of nights. It's... not that big a deal. Fingers crossed the baby and mother are healthy and not spending weeks in NICU, because that really would be terrible for the eldest child.

It's a marathon, not a sprint, and if the father is a good co-parent then he'll make it up over the long haul. In 20 years, all of this will have receded into nothing and nobody will remember or care.

PinkEasterbunny · 05/02/2024 12:55

So in full time families it may not mean as much for mums to have a couple of days ‘quiet time’ with a newborn, but for a child who’s time with one parent is precious enough as it is, being sent away because there’s a new child could be hurtful and damaging. It’s a very ‘tread lightly’ moment.

I don't think a few days, handled carefully (ie without the child's mother winding them up about it ....... ) would do lasting damage

1Rebecca · 05/02/2024 12:56

@Singingseals Couldn’t you argue the other way round, that we as bio parents lose the ability to have a full nuclear family? It’s not the step parents’ job to do that. It was ours, and we fumbled it when we split (excluding people in abusive situations). It would be bad if they asked for no time at all, but they asked for just night times off.

ChangeAgain2 · 05/02/2024 12:59

I don't thnk there is anything wrong with any of his text messages. I think he's very reasonable. I think you feel hurt because he's married and having another baby which is absolutely normal. I think its normal to worry about the impact the change will have on your co parenting relationship and his relationship with DC. It's a big change and that's scary. Personally, I'd act as I would if a friend was having a baby. I'd congratulate them. I'd get DC to make a special card. I'd take DC to buy a small gift for her baby sibling once they arrive and I'd cut them some slack because as you know a first baby is a huge shock on the system and while its not his first it is hers. You could say that all that is not your problem but I'd suggest it is because ultimately your child will be with them and if she is stress it will impact on your kid. Also, try not to make their happy news about you.

Beginningless · 05/02/2024 13:05

I think the text is ok, but you being shocked that he’s married and expecting another baby out of the blue - also ok. I’d like to be a bit more informed about how and when he got married, has he just broken this news to DC as well? As you need a bit more info to support your child with their feelings around that. That said, given the tone, I’d be loathe to do much probing and just answer DC questions with ‘daddy didn’t tell me he got married’.

Coconutter24 · 05/02/2024 13:08

SimplyMother · 05/02/2024 11:29

@LillythePinky@1Rebecca

There’s no need for this back and forth. I had texted him, asking if DD attended the wedding, and why he had her attend without notifying me.

This is his response, “Hi X, I understand your concern but no, we didn’t have DC attend the wedding, as we didn’t have one. We just had a quick ceremony at the registry office 3 months ago, so that we’re married before the baby arrives. We plan to have a proper wedding Ceremony sometime next year, where DC will be present. We plan to do this during my custody time, but you will be notified anyways.

Regarding the due date, I don’t think I’m obligated to give you the exact date right now and would like to keep this private. I have already given you the month, and I believe this is sufficient.

Regarding custody of DC, you’re correct to bring this up, though my wife and I have yet to conclude what we’d do. It could be that the week of and the week after the child’s birth, we’d prefer you to have overnights with DC. It could also before the week before and the week of the birth. In any case, DC is still welcome during the day as usual to spend time with us and her new sibling, just not overnight for a week or two. This is also dependent on my work schedule. If you can’t do the overnights, that’s fine, my parents are happy to have DC overnight.”

There was more, but I don’t think it’s relevant. When it comes to their timeline, he told me about his new relationship in November, and that he’d introduce our DC to her in March “as it would’ve been 6 months.” Which he did do.

Edited

Do you still love him? Tbh he sounds pretty reasonable in everything that you have told us. In regards to their wedding if it’s during his custody time he doesn’t have to let you know, what they do during that time is completely up to them. I’m also not sure why the wording “our first child together” bothers you so much as that is exactly what the child is

Diamonde · 05/02/2024 13:18

Well my mother, told me my brother would be born one month later than he actually was. Then when my brother was born, I spent 2 weeks at my cousins house at nighttime. I have a few siblings, but this one is my favourite. It didn’t impact me at all - I think this is an overreaction.

We're talking about a new marriage and half sibling here (all in approx 1 year). So it's different.

Not forgetting that some children prefer to be with their parents.

neighboursareselling · 05/02/2024 13:49

It's straightforward and factual. Your ex and his wife have told your child about the new baby so he's letting you know the facts as it's likely your child will talk to you about it.
Sorry you didn't get what you wanted from him in terms of commitment, but that's not what this is about.

Ginnnny · 05/02/2024 13:49

He's updated you, I think you're overreacting - unless you're still hurt by the break up or wish you could get back together?

Ponderingwindow · 05/02/2024 14:06

his initial message was simple and factual. It was carefully worded. It gave you time to react in private before seeing your child again. He did everything right there.

for the actual birth, aside from when they are actually at the hospital, the custody schedule should not change. They can handle multiple children, even with one of them being a newborn. I think it’s reasonable to push back on that, pointing out that skipping custody time or shuffling the child off to the grandparents during a big transition threatens to make a child feel unwanted.

JaffaCake24 · 05/02/2024 14:34

You split up 3 years ago. He's moved on and you haven't it seems.

If you were in the throes of a wonderful new romantic relationship would you even give it much thought? You've got a void in your life and it's still filled by the past with the ghost of this man.

The impact of this news is much greater on your DC than you. They're now going to have share their Dad with someone else. That's lovely in many ways but we all know about sibling rivalry and jealously.

I'd definitely stop making it about you and and analysing every last letter of his message and try to move on and make the best of your life by yourself - or with someone else.

People fall in and out of love. It's not always easy to handle but we can't control other people and their desires, only our responses to how they behave...

For whatever reason he wanted someone different and for that reason you have to move on and find someone who wants you very very much and sees you as the wonderful person you are and loves you exactly the way you are.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 05/02/2024 14:38

YANBU to be hurt (for all the reasons and feelings you've outlined. However, neither is your ex being unreasonable

Noglitterallowed · 05/02/2024 14:46

Perfectly reasonable message. Been in the same boat and didn’t see anything past the fact he was letting me know (and we were married for years). I think I maybe you’re looking a bit too much into it

Worcestershirem0mmy · 05/02/2024 14:46

I think this is a very reasonable and fair message?

Spirallingdownwards · 05/02/2024 14:50

Don't let your personal feelings that you were never considered as a wife cloud your judgment on this.

He has told you. I also agree that if you can facilitate day time visits during the first couple of weeks rather than nights this will probably be beneficial to your own child in that they will get a proper night's sleep. They won't be woken for extended periods for night feeds when they may be both awake.

BEhave to them as a couple as you would to your best friend and partner. Your child may well want to come home to mummy cuddles too with all attention being on baby so day visits are a good way to introduce them into life with a sibling and you can perhaps support them building up to excitement of a sleepover with baby once they are used to baby actually being here.

Allitraitors · 05/02/2024 14:53

Shit, I would be so upset. Feels like he's chosen her? Who knows what that's about. You have to play it cool though and just respond "great, thanks for letting me know". No mention of wedding. Dunno if he is a prick, you do not say enough, but he's rather hasty.

Plumnora · 05/02/2024 14:53

I don't think it's spiteful but I also don't think you're being unreasonable. It hurts when exes move on and we haven't yet- even if we can't stand them! And nothing screams moving on like a new baby. You're allowed to feel upset even though don't think it was malicious text. Drink wine, cry it out and allow yourself to move on and live your life too. Xx

Underestimated4 · 05/02/2024 14:55

I don’t think there’s anything wrong. I think it’s more to do with your own feelings about him and you relationship ending. Doesn’t seem like you’ve fully come to terms with some of the things like him not proposing. Maybe get some counselling it could be some hidden trauma your not dealing with it and to why you’ve reacted like this.

YankSplaining · 05/02/2024 15:06

I think the better phrasing would have been, “Hello X - letting you know that [name] and I got married on [date]. We are expecting our first child together in [season]. I’m just letting you know as we’ve just told DC, we’ll let you know of the due date closer to the month. Thanks.”

He definitely owed you an actual announcement that they’d got married. Referring to her as his wife, without that announcement, is more startling than it needs to be. Expecting the baby “soon” is way too vague - two months from now? Four? Seven?

I think “our first child together” was okay.

Lotus3 · 05/02/2024 15:19

I'm going to go against the grain here and say YANBU. BECAUSE.

Provided you are genuinely very amicable and coparent well together in a friendly way, and he accepts, nay, reveres, that you will be a major part of managing your child's feelings around this revelation, here's what he could have done:

  • Let you know he was considering marrying his partner.
  • Let you know he had gone ahead and added a stepmother to your child's family.
  • Let you know they were trying for a child.
  • Let you prepare your child for the likelihood of another sibling on the horizon.

The message isn't worded spitefully, no, but his behaviour is appalling. You share a child fgs, he doesn't get the right to hide such major life changes from you and expect you to just roll with it out of the blue. It's rude. Signed, someone whose dad did exactly this to them.

SemperIdem · 05/02/2024 15:20

@Lotus3 tell her they were trying for a baby? Are you for real?

Lotus3 · 05/02/2024 15:22

Absolutely yes. Why wouldn't you share that? It's duplicitous not to.