New baby announcement - hurt feelings. AIBU?

[SimplyMother]

My ex has just sent me a text during his custody of our child.

“Hello X, my wife and I are expecting our first child together soon. I’m just letting you know as we’ve just told DC, we’ll let you know of the due date closer to the month. Thanks.”

I’m quite the understanding person but I can’t help be be upset by this. I’m not sure if I’m a being unreasonable but I found this message to be spiteful? But I don’t see why he’d do this intentionally, as we coparent well and get along fine.

The first thing is that they’ve only been together for one year, and I’m suddenly finding out that they’re married. This hurts me as we were together for 2, yet he didn’t even propose, despite me asking and having our child in our first year together. He obviously knows this, hence why I feel like this was a slight jab - why wait till now to announce it and in this way?

I feel even more hurt due to his wording of “our first child together.” While the sentence is true, I find it to be crafted to be hurtful for some reason. I don’t know if it’s just me but I’d like a second opinion. For context we’ve been broken up for 3 years now.

Thank you.

I can see how that is hurtful and it would upset me too.

However, it doesn't seem particularly spiteful to me, just brief and factual. There isn't a good way to tell you that he's married and that they're expecting their first child is there? He's probably drafted it with his wife.

That sounds like a perfectly reasonable message.

Seems fair enough to me it gives you time to process it before your child comes home

It seems fine to me, not spiteful at all. I'm not sure what else he could have said?

I think he's
Done the right thing to let you know

I'd reply to say that it's wonderful news and dd will be a fantastic big sister. I wouldn't give even a glimmer of hurt or anger.

“Our first child together” is exactly the best way to describe it without minimising his child with you. You need to let this go. It’s good that he told you, and via text means you don’t need to save face/cry in front of him. Please get some counselling so you can move past your break-up.

Sorry that you are hurting. I don't think there is a better way that he could have let you know though.

Seems fine, and it means you won’t hear it from someone else, which would be worse surely?

Bar any additional backstory I think that's ok tbh. Doing it over text so you can process it in your own time, making sure you know before you see your DC so you're not caught on the hop. The wording is pretty diplomatic too. But I can understand it being upsetting.

It's a perfectly reasonable message. It sort of sounds like you're just looking for something to complain about to be honest.

I must admit I'm surprised you didn't know he was married though didn't your child go to the wedding?

I agree. As he already had his first child with you

“Our first child together” is way better than the alternative of “our first child”

It sounds factual and to the point, and fair.

You sound like you are still hurt over the breakdown of your relationship with him (no proposal etc). That’s normal, but honestly it’s time to move on. Let the past be in the past and focus on your wonderful DD.

No, I think they eloped following her pregnancy, else I don’t know how they could’ve kept it secret. Maybe I’m just hurt and am projecting.

I think his message was reasonable. Although i think i know what you mean, in that he plans more.

what i think is unreasonable are his actions. That’s two relationships at high speed. Bringing children into them in such a short time.

How would you have liked him to word it?

I don't think it's intentionally spiteful but you're allowed to feel hurt or jealous or sad op , just don't direct those feelings at him talk them through with friends or a therapist or here

I don't see any spite in that message.

He told you by text, presumably to give you time to process it alone, and because he told your child.

It is their first child together and it doesn't minimise your child either.

There are a million ways it could gave been worse. I think he did it in a very reasonable way.

It's difficult to be objective about a message of such importance from someone you have a painful history with. From an outsider's perspective, it doesn't sound calculated to hurt, but that doesn't mean you are unreasonable to feel how you feel.

How did you find out they're married?

I don’t think it is spiteful. He has told your child and letting you know so you don’t get blindsided by your child mentioning it.

I don’t think you can read anything into the speed of this relationship for him and his one with you. All relationships are different.

I can't see any spite in it. Seems fairly reasonable to me. Your reaction suggests perhaps you're not over him, in which case it's obviously going to hurt. Life can be pretty crappy sometimes 🙁

YANBU, you know him better than us strangers so you can detect things in his otherwise innocuous message that we can’t.

If he knew you wanted to get married then yes, the wife and first child comment seems quite a pointer comment.

You’re hurt and I am so sorry, but that’s exactly how it should be phrased and totally how it’s advised on MN when the shoe is on the other foot.

I hope you can process this and be ready to put a smile on when your DC comes home tomorrow.

I can understand that you’re hurt by the situation but the wording and delivery seem carefully factual and it’s as kind a way to tell you as I could imagine. It would be pretty shitty to tell you at drop off. Also your split was 3 years ago so he may not think/assume you would be hurt.
I would offer congratulations and then concentrate on how you can both co parent your child so they feel suitably excited and included.
You might see some insecure behaviours so be prepared so you can support your child.