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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New baby announcement - hurt feelings. AIBU?

453 replies

SimplyMother · 04/02/2024 21:04

My ex has just sent me a text during his custody of our child.

“Hello X, my wife and I are expecting our first child together soon. I’m just letting you know as we’ve just told DC, we’ll let you know of the due date closer to the month. Thanks.”

I’m quite the understanding person but I can’t help be be upset by this. I’m not sure if I’m a being unreasonable but I found this message to be spiteful? But I don’t see why he’d do this intentionally, as we coparent well and get along fine.

The first thing is that they’ve only been together for one year, and I’m suddenly finding out that they’re married. This hurts me as we were together for 2, yet he didn’t even propose, despite me asking and having our child in our first year together. He obviously knows this, hence why I feel like this was a slight jab - why wait till now to announce it and in this way?

I feel even more hurt due to his wording of “our first child together.” While the sentence is true, I find it to be crafted to be hurtful for some reason. I don’t know if it’s just me but I’d like a second opinion. For context we’ve been broken up for 3 years now.

Thank you.

OP posts:
1Rebecca · 04/02/2024 23:01

@Choux@sandyhappypeople@maudelovesharold

Your corrections are all well and good. But can somebody explain why OP needs to be coddled and cajoled into accepting this ?

The initial message was fine, except for the foolishness of not giving the month, nothing was wrong with it. OP never said they were friendly, she just said that they coparent well, so she wouldn’t think he was intentionally hurtful.

Even in the exemplar message that OP gave, she was also direct and straight to the point. She’s also said that her ex referred to his wife as “girlfriend/partner” before, since this is the case, what is the matter in changing it to wife?

I think it is strange that you’re picking apart the message that way to look for an issues, when the only issue is that they didn’t give the month immediately.

And going off of OPs comments, she’d still be sad and upset if the news was delivered nicely - she’s sad about not being the first wife and it’s hurtful to see him have a new child too. I was too, but they’ve been broken up for sometime and he doesn’t owe OP proximity. I think the message was also their way of setting boundaries.

Bellie710 · 04/02/2024 23:02

They have been together 1 year and expecting a child, you were together a year and had a child, I would be more concerned about that than the fact that he told his first child. At this rate he will have 10 kids in the next 10 years sounds like you have dodged a bullet!

Livelovebehappy · 04/02/2024 23:03

I get you being hurt and upset OP. It would have hit you like a punch in the gut. It doesn’t matter how much time has lapsed since your break up, finding out both that he’s married and having a child in the one message is going to knock you sideways. However, the message is just factual and to the point. But don’t let some of the comments on here about you should be over it after three years get to you - people who say that have obviously never been in a breakup situation where they’ve had a child together. You can sometimes feel you’re over it and getting on with your life, but then getting news like this can just massively bring the old feelings of sadness back. Be kind to yourself.

NoTouch · 04/02/2024 23:05

It is a short factual message, I dont think there is anything malicous in there. Method, text, good to give you time for it to sink in before your dd comes home.

If you are still pining for him or what might have been with him I can understand it will sting a bit, but he has moved on, and the message is what it is. what did you think was reasonable to expectt, how would you want it communicated?

SerafinasGoose · 04/02/2024 23:05

Bluenotgreen · 04/02/2024 21:25

I can’t see anything spiteful in his message, it’s very factual.

It seems that you are not over him, and I really feel for you. Is counselling an option?

The only response I would send is “Congratulations to you both “

Me, too.

I'm sorry you're hurt, OP 🌹

Businessflake · 04/02/2024 23:06

What the hell is wrong with this guy that he keeps getting women pregnant so soon after meeting them? You are well out of there OP.

Startrekkeruniverse · 04/02/2024 23:07

So many bunny boilers coming out of the woodwork in this thread.

He sent a polite, factual message and gave you the facts you need. Unless you’re her obstetrician why is it so important that you know exactly when his wife is due? Move on with your life OP, you owe it to yourself.

Choux · 04/02/2024 23:07

@1Rebecca no one is cajoling OP. I merely pointed out I thought there was a nicer way to break the news and gave an example. It might help her differentiate which of her feelings are from the news itself and which are from the way it's phrased.

The message sent to her seems a bit heartless to me which adds an extra layer to the feelings she has about the content.

TwylaSands · 04/02/2024 23:08

Startrekkeruniverse · 04/02/2024 23:07

So many bunny boilers coming out of the woodwork in this thread.

He sent a polite, factual message and gave you the facts you need. Unless you’re her obstetrician why is it so important that you know exactly when his wife is due? Move on with your life OP, you owe it to yourself.

She doesnt need to know at al’, unless he is planning to not have his oldest when he is scheduled to have them.

Mnetcurious · 04/02/2024 23:10

I think you’re being a bit over sensitive, it seems ok to me and the facts of him having a baby with his new wife was probably always going to be a bit upsetting, however it was worded. The vagueness over the due date is a bit weird and off though, just say the baby is due in July or whatever if you don’t want to be specific.

tachetastic · 04/02/2024 23:10

SimplyMother · 04/02/2024 21:04

My ex has just sent me a text during his custody of our child.

“Hello X, my wife and I are expecting our first child together soon. I’m just letting you know as we’ve just told DC, we’ll let you know of the due date closer to the month. Thanks.”

I’m quite the understanding person but I can’t help be be upset by this. I’m not sure if I’m a being unreasonable but I found this message to be spiteful? But I don’t see why he’d do this intentionally, as we coparent well and get along fine.

The first thing is that they’ve only been together for one year, and I’m suddenly finding out that they’re married. This hurts me as we were together for 2, yet he didn’t even propose, despite me asking and having our child in our first year together. He obviously knows this, hence why I feel like this was a slight jab - why wait till now to announce it and in this way?

I feel even more hurt due to his wording of “our first child together.” While the sentence is true, I find it to be crafted to be hurtful for some reason. I don’t know if it’s just me but I’d like a second opinion. For context we’ve been broken up for 3 years now.

Thank you.

Maybe a bit insensitive to do it by text, but the content itself seems fine.

Sounds like maybe you are feeling that you deserve more because you had a child together, while he is happy just to move on and maintain a good relationship?

But did he actually start the message with the word "Hello" followed by your name? Who does that these days if they are messaging someone they know?

Choux · 04/02/2024 23:11

Startrekkeruniverse · 04/02/2024 23:07

So many bunny boilers coming out of the woodwork in this thread.

He sent a polite, factual message and gave you the facts you need. Unless you’re her obstetrician why is it so important that you know exactly when his wife is due? Move on with your life OP, you owe it to yourself.

The date is important because their child spends time with both parents. Around the birth they may want to vary the time at short notice to either have their child meet his sibling or give the ex and wife time to get used to being new parents. Telling OP the due date will help OP with being flexible.

Roastiesarethebestbit · 04/02/2024 23:11

The message is certainly formal but I don’t think it’s spiteful. The due date thing is weird but that could be due to uncertainty about possibly needing an early induction or c section.

Alicewinn · 04/02/2024 23:11

It’s quite a robotic message like he was stressed writing it. I’d be pissed off too but says more about him really - sounds emotionally cut off

RogueFemale · 04/02/2024 23:12

RogueFemale · 04/02/2024 23:00

Why didn't you wait until marriage to have a child? I understand it's a two way street, but I had an abortion when I got pregnant in my 20s with someone I didn't want to marry or be with.

Edited

Sorry, I expressed myself badly. I can really understand why you're hurt. That message is insensitive. But it has been three years. And when I read your message the stand out thing was how long it had been and that you went ahead and had a baby with someone you didn't know.

2under4 · 04/02/2024 23:12

You're not unreasonable to feel hurt - your feelings are valid, and I imagine a lot of people would feel sad reading that, or a similar message, from an ex. But doesn't sound like it was sent maliciously, or worded in a nasty way x

babyproblems · 04/02/2024 23:13

I think it’s an acceptable message but he doesn’t sound like a keeper giving how quickly he likes to ‘settle down’, have baby and then presumably end things. If you’re right that they’ve eloped because she is pregnant it’s not really a good omen is it. In some ways it would be better it did last to give a good example to your dc as the alternative might be them seeing their dad flit from one relationship to another over and over. That’s all on him though, none on you. He sounds v immature I think… I think be glad you didn’t get married! Best of luck. It’s not an easy Dynamic to navigate and he could have told you first in person but I’m not sure I’d have preferred that If it was me. X

1Rebecca · 04/02/2024 23:13

But why he must be nice, is what I don’t understand. It wasn’t heartless - when you speak of your partner to people who don’t know them personally, it’s normal to refer to them as “my wife/gf/fiance.”

Don’t you think as a recently wedded man he’d tell his distant friends, that may not know his wife personally, “My wife and I are having our first child in June?” He said the same thing to OP, but wrongly withheld the date. He’s even given reason as to why he’s told her this, as to not come off cruel.

Noseybookworm · 04/02/2024 23:13

It's an odd choice of wording - wouldn't it be more natural to say [name] is expecting a baby? Is he just a bit of a self-important twat?

SemperIdem · 04/02/2024 23:17

To be honest, I am a mother whose child has a step parent, I am also a step parent - I’d be most upset by my child seemingly not being involved in their wedding.

The short factual message informing me of their marriage/baby news wouldn’t bother me much in itself, and definitely not for myself.

1Rebecca · 04/02/2024 23:19

1Rebecca · 04/02/2024 23:13

But why he must be nice, is what I don’t understand. It wasn’t heartless - when you speak of your partner to people who don’t know them personally, it’s normal to refer to them as “my wife/gf/fiance.”

Don’t you think as a recently wedded man he’d tell his distant friends, that may not know his wife personally, “My wife and I are having our first child in June?” He said the same thing to OP, but wrongly withheld the date. He’s even given reason as to why he’s told her this, as to not come off cruel.

@Choux I forgot to tag, sorry.

sandyhappypeople · 04/02/2024 23:20

1Rebecca · 04/02/2024 23:01

@Choux@sandyhappypeople@maudelovesharold

Your corrections are all well and good. But can somebody explain why OP needs to be coddled and cajoled into accepting this ?

The initial message was fine, except for the foolishness of not giving the month, nothing was wrong with it. OP never said they were friendly, she just said that they coparent well, so she wouldn’t think he was intentionally hurtful.

Even in the exemplar message that OP gave, she was also direct and straight to the point. She’s also said that her ex referred to his wife as “girlfriend/partner” before, since this is the case, what is the matter in changing it to wife?

I think it is strange that you’re picking apart the message that way to look for an issues, when the only issue is that they didn’t give the month immediately.

And going off of OPs comments, she’d still be sad and upset if the news was delivered nicely - she’s sad about not being the first wife and it’s hurtful to see him have a new child too. I was too, but they’ve been broken up for sometime and he doesn’t owe OP proximity. I think the message was also their way of setting boundaries.

Edited

I think it's strange that you're seeing it as a completely innocuous message, horses for courses I suppose? Why do you think they didn't tell her they were married?

OP doesn't need to be cajoled, it's not about that, it's about basic manners and respect for someone that you used to share your life with and you've now got keep a semi-friendly co-parent relationship with, he owes it to OP to give her the heads up on matters such as these because they could very much be an ongoing issue for their joint child.

A new baby and a marriage for one of their parents are quite uncertain events in the life of a child, and the best case scenario is that both parents be on the same page and happy for each other, not kept in the dark or divided.

I think there was a way to break the news that would have been more sensitive to OP, and there was way to be deliberately shitty about the wedding news, they chose to be deliberately shitty, but it is just a matter of opinion, happy to disagree!

TellMeWhoTheVillainsAre · 04/02/2024 23:20

Worst come to worse, I can always ask his parents for this information.

Why would you do this? He has contacted you directly to tell you something that will impact your child. If you have any questions regarding it then you ask him directly. Bringing his parents into it makes it almost sound like you want to get him in trouble.

Mentioning his "first child" with his "wife" is fairly reasonable. Seeing as they are now married, they are obviously planning on building a life and a family together, so all going well there will be more children. Your relationship didn't work out. He was right not to propose. It wouldn't have helped. I do think he's probably rushed into this relationship but maybe they "just know". I knew within 2 months of meeting my husband that I was going to marry him. We're married 22 years.

Leave his parents out of it. Be happy for your child that they are going to have a little brother or sister. Make a big deal of it. You might be hurting, but don't transfer that upset to your child.

thebestinterest · 04/02/2024 23:22

Op I don’t find it spiteful, but then again I was never in a relationship with him.

The msg comes off to me, like it was written by someone trying to be sensitive. this wording wouldn’t bother me if it were my ex…

blackpanth · 04/02/2024 23:22

That message seems fine to me