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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New baby announcement - hurt feelings. AIBU?

453 replies

SimplyMother · 04/02/2024 21:04

My ex has just sent me a text during his custody of our child.

“Hello X, my wife and I are expecting our first child together soon. I’m just letting you know as we’ve just told DC, we’ll let you know of the due date closer to the month. Thanks.”

I’m quite the understanding person but I can’t help be be upset by this. I’m not sure if I’m a being unreasonable but I found this message to be spiteful? But I don’t see why he’d do this intentionally, as we coparent well and get along fine.

The first thing is that they’ve only been together for one year, and I’m suddenly finding out that they’re married. This hurts me as we were together for 2, yet he didn’t even propose, despite me asking and having our child in our first year together. He obviously knows this, hence why I feel like this was a slight jab - why wait till now to announce it and in this way?

I feel even more hurt due to his wording of “our first child together.” While the sentence is true, I find it to be crafted to be hurtful for some reason. I don’t know if it’s just me but I’d like a second opinion. For context we’ve been broken up for 3 years now.

Thank you.

OP posts:
Krabappel · 04/02/2024 21:47

I'm with you @pinkcathat and it may not have even been intentional, but that is definitely the effect.

And @Pancakefam, that would make sense given the tone. Abrupt and formal.

Sucks op. They're probably not thinking about how it's being received by you.

Original poster
SimplyMother · 04/02/2024 21:50

@Pancakefam@pinkcathat If this is the case, do I have any grounds to enquire? Or is it best to leave it alone? I have already asked about the month and he (or they rather), replied that, “It’ll likely be this June.”

OP posts:
Runnerduck34 · 04/02/2024 21:50

I think its odd he isn't disclosing when baby is due, especially as its"soon" - Why the secrecy!
If you didn't know they'd got married it's also odd he didn't tell you that separately beforehand, and that your joint DC wasn't invited to his wedding.
I'd try and put hurt feelings aside as to how he treated you and move on.
Just message back a wow congratulations and leave it at that.
Perhaps counselling would help process any unresolved feelings?
Dont let him get under your skin.

pinkcathat · 04/02/2024 21:54

@SimplyMother no I wouldn't enquire at all. I would just congratulate them and keep it short. No reaction is the best reaction. Take the high ground.

TheOriginalEmu · 04/02/2024 21:55

SimplyMother · 04/02/2024 21:50

@Pancakefam@pinkcathat If this is the case, do I have any grounds to enquire? Or is it best to leave it alone? I have already asked about the month and he (or they rather), replied that, “It’ll likely be this June.”

Edited

i wouldn’t put the idea into his head that you think that when that might not be his intention at all. At this stage I would just say ‘that’s lovely news for you, dd will be so excited. If you can let me know roughly when baby is due when you know so I can answer dds million questions about when it’ll happen that would be great for my sanity 😂’
or something to that effect, it puts the emphasis on how it affects your child and isn’t confrontational.

TheOriginalEmu · 04/02/2024 21:56

SimplyMother · 04/02/2024 21:50

@Pancakefam@pinkcathat If this is the case, do I have any grounds to enquire? Or is it best to leave it alone? I have already asked about the month and he (or they rather), replied that, “It’ll likely be this June.”

Edited

Oh post overlap. Then I wouldn’t enquire any further.

pootlin · 04/02/2024 21:56

Pancakefam · 04/02/2024 21:40

Sounds as though the mum to be composed the message. That's why it reads strangely and slightly smug/formal

Sexist much. Men can be smug marrieds too.

Allthatwegotisthispalebluedot · 04/02/2024 21:58

I agree the wording is off but think you are picking up on the wrong thing. ‘Our first child together’ is a nicer acknowledgment of the child he already has than ‘expecting a child’.
the bit that is off is the ‘my wife and I’ (just say her name, now is not the time for a secret marriage reveal as well as a pregnancy reveal) and the secrecy around the due date. Bit off that your kid wasn’t invited to her dads wedding, as well!

AutumnCrow · 04/02/2024 22:01

I'm reading it as a mixture of slightly pompous and the peculiar language of the Daily Mail 'sidebar of shame'.

1Rebecca · 04/02/2024 22:02

pinkcathat · 04/02/2024 21:43

Yeah I think it's a bit off.
If he wasn't trying to make a point/hurt you then he would have just said that 'he and X got married and they are now expecting a baby together'.
To just say 'my wife' when he hadn't told you he was getting married/ had got married has been done intentionally to make a point or provoke a reaction.
Also to say they are 'expecting their first child' is odd. You already know it will be their first child together. It comes across like he is trying to rub it in.
As for the mystery surrounding the due date. Fair enough not to say the due date... but why not the due month!? Again.. it seems to be making a point. I could be wrong but I have a feeling the new wife could be behind this, maybe she is feeling insecure and wants him to make a point to you so she can feel better.

My ex sent me a similar text, but in all honesty, the message regarding the marriage is the same however you phrase it. They got married and didn’t let OP know - there really isn’t a nice way to say it imo. We also don’t know the relationship she has with his wife, for him to phrase it that way.

And I think them sweetening the message for OP is slightly an unreasonable request - they don’t need to phrase their good news for her to approve, as she doesn’t need it.

I will say that the “our first child together,” could be seen either way but I agree that, this part at least, was probably constructed by the wife. Though, I also agree that it’s better than just “our child,” and had some level of consideration.

SheilaFentiman · 04/02/2024 22:05

There may be some kind of medical history that means she might be expecting to be induced early etc, hence the “likely June” because they wouldn’t want to tell you more.

SemperIdem · 04/02/2024 22:06

I don’t think it’s spiteful. However agree with the pp who raised a question around “let you know due date closer to the time” - that’s the bit I’d raise an eyebrow at.

SheilaFentiman · 04/02/2024 22:06

It’s also possible that it got edited from their “general” announcement text and so the phrases weren’t all with you in mind

Choux · 04/02/2024 22:07

So they have only been together a year and she's due in June? I wonder if he is being vague as she's a little further along than that and the baby will be 'slightly premature' in May.

Also be ready that when your child comes home from the latest visit you will find out the wedding was yesterday and your child did attend. He could be being vague as to when they married as he's now realised it was a bit off to not let you know in advance.

Original poster
SimplyMother · 04/02/2024 22:12

Choux · 04/02/2024 22:07

So they have only been together a year and she's due in June? I wonder if he is being vague as she's a little further along than that and the baby will be 'slightly premature' in May.

Also be ready that when your child comes home from the latest visit you will find out the wedding was yesterday and your child did attend. He could be being vague as to when they married as he's now realised it was a bit off to not let you know in advance.

This could be the case, but I can’t say. I don’t know when exactly it is that they got together - I found out a year ago and at that point he claimed to have been seeing her for a while and would introduce our child some months later.

OP posts:
SemperIdem · 04/02/2024 22:12

@Pancakefam I don’t think it’s fair to assume his wife drafted the message based on the wording being a bit formal.

My exh (we message regularly regarding our child) often defaults to a weirdly formal style. He was the same when we were together.

sandyhappypeople · 04/02/2024 22:13

“Hello X, my wife and I are expecting our first child together soon. I’m just letting you know as we’ve just told DC, we’ll let you know of the due date closer to the month. Thanks.”

You're right to feel that this message is off, because it totally is. If you are friendly co-parents then it is too overly cordial, and I would say written by the wife, why would he be referring to whateverhernameis as 'my wife' instead of me and sarah are expecting! (especially knowing that you are unaware of the wedding) and they obviously know the month, so are choosing to with-hold this information from you for no apparent reason (as they would have said 'closer to the time'). Even "hello x", is overly cordial.

But you know what, it really doesn't matter, this just shouts that there is some sort of disagreement between them about what you are told and when, like he doesn't want to hurt your feelings so has not mentioned the marriage and she doesn't care, either way the best thing you could do is keep your head held high and enthusiastically congratulate them on both sets of good news, definitely acknowledge the marriage, and don't let either of them know that this has niggled you somewhat, if she is attempting to rub your nose in it, which is what it sounds like to me (MY wife, OUR first child etc) then you being happy for them will really piss on her chips.

Fuck em OP.

Original poster
SimplyMother · 04/02/2024 22:18

@sandyhappypeople

I agree with this bar the “Hello x,” I also adopt this tone when letting him know of events. I sent him this last week, “Hi Y, DC has an appointment at Z. Will you be able to go?”

So it’s not so much the formality, it’s more so bluntness and the 2-in-1 approach. I think it was rude and hurtful. And yes, it was weird of them to not share the month straightaway. It would’ve been a problem if they didn’t share it after asking. Worst come to worse, I can always ask his parents for this information.

Either way, we should disregard their rudeness.

OP posts:
SemperIdem · 04/02/2024 22:19

What a strange take, @sandyhappypeople

Itrymybestyesido · 04/02/2024 22:23

OP that's quite the bombshell text. I am so sorry as it will sting. I think most readers have missed the point that two pieces of news have been dropped in one go - marriage and a baby. I think 'technically' he's not done anything wrong however if he had a sensitivity chip he'd realise the news will be hurtful to you and could have written it differently to reflect and acknowledge this. So you're not completely wrong in what you are thinking and feeling right now.

Itrymybestyesido · 04/02/2024 22:27

Pancakefam · 04/02/2024 21:40

Sounds as though the mum to be composed the message. That's why it reads strangely and slightly smug/formal

This is what I thought also.

sandyhappypeople · 04/02/2024 22:28

SemperIdem · 04/02/2024 22:19

What a strange take, @sandyhappypeople

Which part did you think was strange?

Walking2024now33days · 04/02/2024 22:28

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/02/2024 21:14

How did you find out they're married?

@Unexpectedlysinglemum

i think him writing 'my wife' was a bit of a giveaway.

cadburyegg · 04/02/2024 22:32

I don't see anything wrong with the message but I think it's normal for you to be upset about this. Ex and I have been split 3 years and I'd be upset if he was having another child. It's natural

SemperIdem · 04/02/2024 22:33

sandyhappypeople · 04/02/2024 22:28

Which part did you think was strange?

Show quote history

The assumption there has been some kind of disagreement between them as to how the news is communicated.

It’s more likely that the op’s ex has procrastinated on communicating so the message ended up being a twofer.