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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New baby announcement - hurt feelings. AIBU?

453 replies

SimplyMother · 04/02/2024 21:04

My ex has just sent me a text during his custody of our child.

“Hello X, my wife and I are expecting our first child together soon. I’m just letting you know as we’ve just told DC, we’ll let you know of the due date closer to the month. Thanks.”

I’m quite the understanding person but I can’t help be be upset by this. I’m not sure if I’m a being unreasonable but I found this message to be spiteful? But I don’t see why he’d do this intentionally, as we coparent well and get along fine.

The first thing is that they’ve only been together for one year, and I’m suddenly finding out that they’re married. This hurts me as we were together for 2, yet he didn’t even propose, despite me asking and having our child in our first year together. He obviously knows this, hence why I feel like this was a slight jab - why wait till now to announce it and in this way?

I feel even more hurt due to his wording of “our first child together.” While the sentence is true, I find it to be crafted to be hurtful for some reason. I don’t know if it’s just me but I’d like a second opinion. For context we’ve been broken up for 3 years now.

Thank you.

OP posts:
MrsDamonSalvatore · 04/02/2024 23:24

It sounds like a perfectly ok message to me. You don’t sound as if you’re fully over him, which is probably why you care that he married her and not you. After 3 years he’s likely to think you’ve moved on. My ex had a baby with his girlfriend recently and I genuinely don’t give a shit about it one way or the other.

madderthanahatter · 04/02/2024 23:24

Reply with 'amazing news, ds has just worked out he could have 6 siblings by 2030!

Probablyfinebutworried · 04/02/2024 23:27

I'm sorry you're hurting OP :( The message is fine though.

MzHz · 04/02/2024 23:27

lemonmeringueno3 · 04/02/2024 21:10

I'd reply to say that it's wonderful news and dd will be a fantastic big sister. I wouldn't give even a glimmer of hurt or anger.

100% this

if the message has been written to wind you up, thwart it with gushing excitement and warmth

if there’s no mal intent, they’ll be thrilled you’re so happy for them.

win/win.

NightDreaming · 04/02/2024 23:29

SimplyMother · 04/02/2024 21:29

Wow okay, I’ll ask for clarification on this. In all honesty, I thought they just wanted to keep the due date private, like they did their marriage. Thanks for bringing this up.

Edited
Show quote history

you could reply something like this….

Congratulations, lovely news. Could you let me know due month asap so I can make sure any plans I have during your contact time are changeable. Just means if X goes into labour while -insert you child’s name- is with you then I could come collect them.

You look like you’re being helpful, ready to step in and cover if they need it. At the same time what you are really saying is Ex’s contact time with your child is not changing.

EIIaJ · 04/02/2024 23:29

He wasn't rude at all.

MzHz · 04/02/2024 23:30

The wife wrote the text.

dont let it get to you.

1Rebecca · 04/02/2024 23:33

sandyhappypeople · 04/02/2024 23:20

I think it's strange that you're seeing it as a completely innocuous message, horses for courses I suppose? Why do you think they didn't tell her they were married?

OP doesn't need to be cajoled, it's not about that, it's about basic manners and respect for someone that you used to share your life with and you've now got keep a semi-friendly co-parent relationship with, he owes it to OP to give her the heads up on matters such as these because they could very much be an ongoing issue for their joint child.

A new baby and a marriage for one of their parents are quite uncertain events in the life of a child, and the best case scenario is that both parents be on the same page and happy for each other, not kept in the dark or divided.

I think there was a way to break the news that would have been more sensitive to OP, and there was way to be deliberately shitty about the wedding news, they chose to be deliberately shitty, but it is just a matter of opinion, happy to disagree!

Show quote history

I think we’ll have to agree to disagree.

I’m sorry but no one here knows the circumstances of their marriage. It could be they eloped quickly following the baby, and plan to wed properly soon. It could be they had a wedding and brought the child. It could be that they had wed/eloped just that week. None of us know, hence why the comments around how they decided to announce it are unfounded.

And basic manners doesn’t entail telling your ex every single thing that goes on and when - it’s just not their business. Manners and respect is letting OP the same time or before the child knows, which is what they’ve done.

I never said the message was perfect, but the message wasn’t wrong either. Do you even know the age of the child, and how they wed, to know how it would affect the child? If they eloped in a way that wouldn’t affect the child, then we can presume they would’ve told OP, just like they did with the baby. And just so you know, as long as it’s not chaos and fighting - research suggests that coparents being friends or strictly cordial has no difference on the child. From the child’s POV, it’s “my parents get along so idky they don’t date.” Since this is the case, once more they don’t need to be friendly with OP, they just need to be polite and informative as they both seem to have been.

They were shitty for not giving the date, but they weren’t shitty in telling OP in their own timing about the wedding. Which in actuality, the wedding has no bearing on OPs life, just the baby.

WandaWonder · 04/02/2024 23:37

No matter how you found out you would habe been hurt it is not about you though, would it have been better if you werent told?

RedHelenB · 04/02/2024 23:38

lemonmeringueno3 · 04/02/2024 21:10

I'd reply to say that it's wonderful news and dd will be a fantastic big sister. I wouldn't give even a glimmer of hurt or anger.

This.

Wednesdaysphiltrum · 04/02/2024 23:42

(Deleted as quote function failed)

TerriPie · 04/02/2024 23:43

I can absolutely understand you've had a shock but it's time to move on.

You need to draw a line under him being your ex and only think of him as being your child's Dad. Ultimately his life beyond being your child's Dad is not your concern.

PlipPlopChoo · 04/02/2024 23:52

What should he have done?

Carrier pigeon? Morse code? Announcement on Radio 4?

Gagaandgag · 04/02/2024 23:53

Do you think you still have feelings for him? It sounds like the breakup was painful for you. Hope you can get some support to move on

maudelovesharold · 04/02/2024 23:56

Your corrections are all well and good. But can somebody explain why OP needs to be coddled and cajoled into accepting this?

I don’t think she does, and that’s not what she was suggesting. The message sounds odd and unnecessarily formal, and naturally you would ask yourself why. You would never normally say ‘my wife and I’ to someone who presumably knows both names, unless you’re up yourself, or being really ‘in your face’ about the fact that you’re married, (having failed to mention it hitherto). Nor would you say ‘are expecting our first child together’. It sounds like an announcement in the paper! You’d just say ‘X and I are having a baby, expected in (month)’, wouldn’t you?

IloveAslan · 04/02/2024 23:57

It sounds perfectly fine to me. How did you want him to announce it?

1Rebecca · 05/02/2024 00:03

1Rebecca · 04/02/2024 23:13

But why he must be nice, is what I don’t understand. It wasn’t heartless - when you speak of your partner to people who don’t know them personally, it’s normal to refer to them as “my wife/gf/fiance.”

Don’t you think as a recently wedded man he’d tell his distant friends, that may not know his wife personally, “My wife and I are having our first child in June?” He said the same thing to OP, but wrongly withheld the date. He’s even given reason as to why he’s told her this, as to not come off cruel.

@maudelovesharold Referring to this I think he announced it he would a co-worker, or someone he knows but isn’t close to. And as I’ve said, OP herself stated that he previously referred to his wife as GF. He’s done the exact same thing as usual, but with an updated title.

maudelovesharold · 05/02/2024 00:20

I think he announced it he would a co-worker, or someone he knows but isn’t close to.

I’m sorry, but If you announced at work “My wife and I are expecting our first child together soon”, colleagues would think it was a very odd and stilted way of putting it. We’ll just have to agree to differ. I am also inclined to think the ex asked his wife for help in wording the message.

tolerable · 05/02/2024 00:24

i understand why you may have feelings. hurt or otherwise-but to be fair-hes giving you time to process them\the info-whilst alone. hes keeping you in the loop, and it doesnt say anything i could identifie as spite.facts.but not spite.
BUT
Your feelings re-hurt are still valid.Happy coparenting\aware of partner but surprise at update may well have shook you. and thats ok.

username123457 · 05/02/2024 00:24

I think it reads fine. I'm not sure there is a way he could have delivered it that wouldn't have stung somewhat. At least this way he has given you some space to process it quietly by yourself. I would want to know the due date though, as it might affect your own plans if you need to take the child for the birth during his time with them.

pinkplate · 05/02/2024 00:31

The only part I think is strange is "my wife" rather than "Emily" or whatever. However I suspect its his way of telling you about the wedding. The rest I think it perfectly worded and hes done it the right way (when you have time to process it and hear it directly from him and not in front of your child).

You say he didnt propose to you - obviously you werent right together, or you would be together. Hopefully hes met "the one" and, if you want to, so do you.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 05/02/2024 00:32

I think the wording is odd. It would be more normal to say ‘Hi, just to let you know X (assuming you know her name right?!) is pregnant and is due in June. I’ll still have DC as normal but you may have to be on standby in case we have to go to hospital around that time. Thanks’

HollyKnight · 05/02/2024 00:35

It reads like he wants you to know that his life is none of your business. That text is definitely emphasising distance and putting you in your place. Just reply with "'Grats." then ignore it.

BestZebbie · 05/02/2024 00:43

"Congratulations on your wedding and the pregnancy." (Do not add "Brave of you to be going back to nappies!")

user1477391263 · 05/02/2024 01:05

I think the message was fine, which is not to say you don’t have the right to feel upset, as it is the sort of situation that will create hurt feelings no matter how the person phrases it.

Just send a short dignified reply about how you hope everything goes well for them, and move on.