If you vanished tomorrow, would your DP/DH care adequately for your kids?

[Naptrappedmummy]

Mine would - but not to the standard I do. It wouldn’t be anything social services-worthy but food wouldn’t be wiped off faces, school uniform would probably be worn one day too many, dinner would be fish fingers and baked beans, the TV would be on too much. That sort of thing.

For some reason thinking about it makes me really stressed!

I think my dh would have a complete breakdown and struggle to cope with the heartbreak and grief. He would absolutely live for our daughter though, and love her fiercely and do his best.

Yes! I'd have absolutely no worries whatsoever!

Well he certainly couldn’t t access ParentPay so he’d have to do packed lunches

Yes because I didn't breed with a useless idiot. In fact he is even more competent at life and much better organised than me.

Don't have kids but I recently asked my Mum what would have happened if she died instead of my dad (When I just turned 13). She said he would have got a new partner straight away to be my 'mum', or he would have given me to my Mum's brother's wife! Who was an emotionally volatile alcoholic chain smoker.
Haha. So I guess in my Dad's case the answer was no.

I think if either of us had dropped down dead when our dc were little, their lives would be quite different. One parent coping alone is always going to be a different balance of time and money compared with two parents sharing that journey, obviously. However, on the level of the OP (who hasn't come back to the thread since starting it 24 days ago...... ) talking about not wiping faces, and not cooking, my dh would certainly have managed those things. Why would you think he wouldn't ?

There's quite a lot of incredulous people here who can't fathom that there might be an unequal dynamic between parents.

Most of my nights out with mum friends has an element of frustration with partners who expect them to carry the load, this website is full of threads about similar.

My dc father would be dreadful as a lone parent. Turns out he's quite selfish.

This is so smug. It's also probably a lot more luck than judgment than you wish to believe. These boards are full of women who thought they had chosen well until they had children.

I fucked off once I realised that my DS's father was crap. Choosing to stay is a choice.

Not always ..and I suppose it depends on the level of crapness!

Yes. He a terrific father who makes sure all their needs are met, both as children and adults.
I remember being in hospital for a few days when they were little, the youngest was still a baby in nappies. They were well fed, clean and organised. I came home to a spotless house, all the laundry done and put away and a lovely home cooked meal.

It is. The other options might not be great, but it's a choice nonetheless. I was left homeless and had to move into a hostel with DS. Although yes, depends on the level of crapness!

Exactly.

Most have multiple children with these useless men. If he's useless with the first child, he isn't going to magically change with the 2nd, 3rd or 4th.

And herein lies the issues. Too many mums see their parenting as gold standard and their partners as inadequate by comparison. It’s really unhelpful. As long as basic needs are met, what else matters. Your post is so smug. I bet you don’t let your partner do any parenting, and if they do, you criticise them. And then moan they don’t help. So stupid.

Yes. He'd be fine, I think. Things would operate more or less the same as if he up and left me - although he is a bit of an eeyore, left to his own devices, and he'd whinge more.

It's one thing to have an unequal relationship - it's quite another if one parent is totally incapable of caring for their children.

I mean we have different roles - I don't know how the boiler works but if my DH wasn't around, I would Google the manual and figure it out.

Mine are adults now but I worked a lot of shifts when the kids were in primary or I went away with work for a week or so at a time.
Dh absolutely had the home life spot on whether I was there or not. He made sure the laundry was done, took the boys for haircuts, made sure they were bathed and teeth fine and shoes polished. I didn't wear a uniform but Dh did ironed his and the lads uniform on Sunday night making sure they had clean shirts and jumpers to last the week. He installed a sense of pride into the lads.
He never missed a parent assembly, parents evening, sports say etc.
If I had dropped dead everything the practical side would have ran smoothly. He would also have given them emotional support. My worry would have been who would be helping him grieve.

They would be fed and taken to school and back. No plans for activities, weekends or visits. DP would just take them to visit his parents, which means lots of tv and endless sweets. Highly doubt DP would be able to get another Partner so they would have no mother figure in their lives.

The title of threads like this actually gives me the rage.

I would not have had kids with any man who was not capable of looking after them.

Why do men get away with being useless? And I'm afraid the answer is that often we have let them. We have taken on the mum role and never expected them to step up. Different roles is one thing, but one parent not being able to care for their kids is something else altogether.

If you have small children stop this now. Take turns doing bedtime, school drop off, making dinner and supervising homework.

But above all. don't have kids with useless bastards in the first place.

DP wouldn’t be useless, they would be cared for and safe, but I’m just pointing out they wouldn’t have the ‘extras’ I provide, things wouldn’t be done to the same standard. To be fair it seems a lot of mums parent at this level too judging by the kids at DD school.

“To be fair it seems a lot of mums parent at this level too judging by the kids at DD school.” @Naptrappedmummy

what does this mean, can you elaborate?

I think many Dads are capable of meeting physical needs to the same standard, so not sure it's as black and white as "being useless". I think women's emotional intelligence tends to be higher in general. For me, at least, my worry if I disappeared would be around navigating pre-teen and teen emotions, making sure they feel heard/safe, knowing what to say, and what to avoid saying etc. These are things I don't have to try at, or think about a whole lot - they are instinct. While my husband is more than capable of prepping dinners, doing drop-offs, doing bedtime, parenting of older children is so much more than that. I have watched in awe of how spectacularly "off the mark" my husband can be in the emotions sphere. From discussions with friends, it's the the impact on non-physical needs we'd worry about in the case of us not being around anymore.

Totally capable and has proved it many times.

I have watched in awe of how spectacularly "off the mark" my husband can be in the emotions sphere.

Yeah, I was explaining the nap routine I've been trialling with DS recently including a calm down time with no toys/big excitements, and he nodded etc, then I'm in the kitchen pre-nap and hear a big squeal.

Husband comes in looking hugely guilty and goes, "I did a pretend drop and it really scared him!".

Cue an extra 15m soothing. And it's not strategic incompetence. He has him first thing in the morning so I can lie in, and I've been out for haircuts, the gym and a gig over the last few days. I give him the tips to help his time with our son go more smoothly but he's very willing to have him etc. He's just weirdly clueless about picking up emotional cues, and then has to deal with the fallout.

Would you be able to care for your children in the way you currently do if you suddenly found yourself a single parent overnight though?

I'm not saying single parents have lower standards btw, I'm saying anyone who suddenly went from having a partner to not would have to change they way they do things.

If either I or DH suddenly disappeared, it wouldn't matter who was left, our DDs would be cared for the same.