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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you vanished tomorrow, would your DP/DH care adequately for your kids?

185 replies

Naptrappedmummy · 04/02/2024 14:54

Mine would - but not to the standard I do. It wouldn’t be anything social services-worthy but food wouldn’t be wiped off faces, school uniform would probably be worn one day too many, dinner would be fish fingers and baked beans, the TV would be on too much. That sort of thing.

For some reason thinking about it makes me really stressed!

OP posts:
CarterBeatsTheDevil · 04/02/2024 20:29

Yes. She'd miss me like mad of course but her day and routine would be the same and she would be really well supported emotionally. He's an amazing dad.

Sofabum · 04/02/2024 20:32

Emotionally and educationally probably find. Health and diet would be awful, he'd keep the kids doing sports but would feed them McDonalds 4 nights a week and wouldn't be bothered to read up on their complex medical issues so they would probably not get the healthcare they need.

ThanksAntsThants23 · 04/02/2024 20:38

No they wouldn’t, I’ve spent a lot of time in hospital with my dd over the last few years and every single time my kids dads (my ex) has looked after our other kids but refused to take them to school everyday or to any of their sport clubs because it’s too much work for him to get them ready and out the door.

When he has the kids for his eow he refuses to give dd any of her medications because he doesn’t believe she needs them/is too lazy to do it. He also doesn’t make them brush their teeth or wash and lets the youngest dc fall asleep in his clothes and puts him into bed like that because he can’t be bothered to do bedtimes. Dd is too young to brush her own hair properly and she comes home every time with it matted and unbrushed. They would be completely neglected.

WandaWonder · 04/02/2024 20:50

Yes he would, it may be different to me but not better or worse just different I wouldn't have had a child with him if I didn't think he was a normal adult capable of doing what needed be done

Cel77 · 04/02/2024 20:52

He'd make sure they're always clean and dressed smart, but might forget things like World Book Day or similar.
Homework might be sporadic at first but he'd soon pick the speed up.
The thing which worries me the most would be the lack of social activities /playdates as I'm the one organising it all. I'd hope my friends would step up and help get the kids out to see friends etc...
Healthy eating would take a backseat, which is not brilliant as our autistic son is constipated often.
As our son is autistic, I'm also worried my partner would get even more confused about the choices he'd have to make for him to ensure he had all the opportunities he should be entitled to.
He'd have a hard job supporting them emotionally at times I guess.
There would be quite a lot more of video games being played, and the TV too.
A lot of worries but that's the reason I'm keen to carry on building a good support network as we don't have very helpful families.
And why I'm (trying) to stay healthy and functioning (taking care of my physical and mental health).

Offredsrevenge · 04/02/2024 20:57

Yes. I’d say he does 70% of all parenting tasks anyway as while we both work full time, I have a long commute and travel, he is WFH with just one day a month in the office, and finishes at 4.30 daily (his work do 9-5 but he only takes 30 min lunch). I get home 7.30pm on a good day. I’d be more worried for them if he disappeared and I became sole carer.

CurlewKate · 04/02/2024 21:19

So the majority of posters on here are saying that their children's father isn't capable of/willing to look after them properly. Is that not a cause for concern?

TwylaSands · 04/02/2024 21:22

CurlewKate · 04/02/2024 21:19

So the majority of posters on here are saying that their children's father isn't capable of/willing to look after them properly. Is that not a cause for concern?

Literally just said the same thing to my dh. I dont understand why so many women put up with shitty men.

toastandtwo · 04/02/2024 21:31

Adequately for sure. Just as I’d care for them adequately if he suddenly disappeared. But I certainly don’t think either of us would do as good a job alone as we do together!

TempestTost · 04/02/2024 21:33

Sure, they'd be fine.

He'd do some things differently than me. Maybe that would be good?

I'll bet your partner would get better at wiping faces, OP.

Futb0l · 04/02/2024 21:41

Yes but there would be things he'd suck at for a while initially. There's a load of stuff he doesn't make a lot of effort with because I just do it better than him, but I'm pretty sure he'd learn if i wasnt around.

DDs hair would be tied in a scruffy ponytail for months. But my sister would turn up one day, tell him to get the fuck out of the hole of grief he's in, and show him how to braid it or just do it a bit better. He won't ever learn this while I'm alive but he would do it if i wasnt.

Meals would be worse but would get better gradually.

I have written out the recipes for the meals the kids like best, its in a book in the kitchen.

I have a bunch of friends and family who would tell him to man the fuck up if he wasn't getting shit together. My mother for one.

SplodgeOfCustard · 26/02/2024 21:02

Yes, he would. He honestly is the glue that holds our family together.

ButtonMoon5 · 26/02/2024 21:10

Naptrappedmummy · 04/02/2024 14:54

Mine would - but not to the standard I do. It wouldn’t be anything social services-worthy but food wouldn’t be wiped off faces, school uniform would probably be worn one day too many, dinner would be fish fingers and baked beans, the TV would be on too much. That sort of thing.

For some reason thinking about it makes me really stressed!

Mine wouldn't. I had a health scare recently and realised that he wouldn't have a clue. I then wrote out DC's full routine and gave it to him in case anything ever happened.

We might be OK if he refers to the plan, but knowing him he'll lose it! I have more faith in DC knowing how to look after his dad.

SnobblyBobbly · 26/02/2024 21:14

Absolutely. He's very practical, but also has a great emotional connection with our two teens. I actually have a life limiting illness so it's something I've had to think about quite deeply and that's one thing I'm grateful for. If I can't be here, then at least he can, so I know they'll be ok.

Hatty65 · 26/02/2024 21:32

Yes. Both practically and emotionally. He's an amazing parent, probably better than I am as he's more patient and not as dismissive.

DC are all adults now, so can care for themselves, but I never had worries that he wasn't adequate. I'm not sure how you could live with a man who couldn't adequately care for his own children, to be honest. It's a major turn off.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 26/02/2024 21:32

Naptrappedmummy · 04/02/2024 14:54

Mine would - but not to the standard I do. It wouldn’t be anything social services-worthy but food wouldn’t be wiped off faces, school uniform would probably be worn one day too many, dinner would be fish fingers and baked beans, the TV would be on too much. That sort of thing.

For some reason thinking about it makes me really stressed!

I think they'd get step mums in pronto

Fionaville · 26/02/2024 21:33

Yes. Although DD would definitely get fewer new clothes! And the ones she did get would be cheaper 😅
They'd get to less clubs too as some clash, so we split them between us.
He's more than capable of caring for all of them day to day. He's fully involved in every aspect of their lives. It would be hard for him though, working full time and doing absolutely everything else alone.
We agree about most things in life, so I'd trust him to guide our kids through difficult periods and decisions in their lives, if I wasn't there.
It's just really sad to think about how they would all cope emotionally. Our DD and I are particularly close, so I know she would need a lot of support. It would be an awful strain on DH and I hope he doesn't have to go through it. Or me!

PeloMom · 26/02/2024 21:34

Yes. Zero doubts about that.

Comedycook · 26/02/2024 21:35

Yes but the food wouldn't be great...I do all the cooking and pander to their likes and dislikes! He's not a great cook but they'd be fed. Dd is 13 and a better cook than him..maybe she'd cook for herself!

Caiti19 · 26/02/2024 21:41

NOPE. They'd be excellently fed, watered, and clothes would be clean. Homework would be half arsed, TV/Screens unlimited, emotional understanding/support non existent. I cannot die.

Whowhatwherewhenwhy1 · 26/02/2024 21:42

This is my biggest fear. He just wouldnt manage anywhere near what they are used to.

Senzafine · 26/02/2024 21:43

Yes of course he would. I wouldn't be with him otherwise if I had concerns about his parenting!

Sophia89 · 26/02/2024 21:43

He'd be fine. I was out of action for about 10 weeks last year, part of it in hospital. I will never know how many lolly pops were consumed or video games played. I'm probably more regimented and firm. The house didn't burn down and all was well.

IggOrEgg · 26/02/2024 21:46

He’d be absolutely fine. Hes a fantastic father and we’re very much on the same page with our parenting style. I would worry a bit about how he’d manage in terms of balancing his work schedule and caring for our son as he works very long, difficult hours but he’d soon figure it out. He certainly wouldn’t rush another woman into our son’s life anyway, that I’m pretty confident of.

Crazycatlady79 · 26/02/2024 22:30

I'm divorced from DC's Dad and am single.

If anything happened to me, I'd hate my DC to live with their Father, as he is absolutely hopeless.