If you vanished tomorrow, would your DP/DH care adequately for your kids?

[Naptrappedmummy]

Mine would - but not to the standard I do. It wouldn’t be anything social services-worthy but food wouldn’t be wiped off faces, school uniform would probably be worn one day too many, dinner would be fish fingers and baked beans, the TV would be on too much. That sort of thing.

For some reason thinking about it makes me really stressed!

I'm a sahm and DH would realistically have to get a nanny to replace me, to cover his work hours. Anything after that would be a struggle for him as we tend to parent the dcs equally at weekends and evenings, we often focus on one child each so aren't used to doing bath, evening meals, days out etc for 2 dcs without the other parent helping. Then he'd end up dropping standards but so would I in that situation. He'd probably end up paying for quite a bit of outsourcing.

If XP cared for our son full time the way he cares for him on the weekends he has him, the school would probably flag him up with social services for neglect. No showers, clothes unwashed and teeth untrusted, junk food, unlimited screen time and rarely leaving the house.
In reality, I'm sure he would do just enough to avoid that, but DS2 would have a sad life of it and probably be partially raised by his teenage brother.

Their physical needs and running the household. Their emotional needs and communication, not a bloody hope in hell

No. But he'd die trying.

Mine is amazing with the kids but I think he’d struggle with the housework and paying the bills etc.

he’d be fine. I mean, he’d be a widowed dad so some standards would slip, as they would for anyone when they’re suddenly doing it all themselves, but the same would be true if he died and I had to do it all alone.

Yes he'd cope fine, with probably support from grandparents. The DDs would probably learn quite quickly how to do their own hair, as whenever I'm away I come back to low ponytails (the only hairstyle he's mastered) that don't look very well brushed 😂. I'd worry about their emotional needs as they grew and became teens, as he's not very good at all with dealing with emotion, and knowing what to say when someone is upset. The rest, food, clothing, schooling, etc, he'd be absolutely fine with as does alot of that anyway.

aren't used to doing bath, evening meals, days out etc for 2 dcs without the other parent helping.

@gavory sorry, but this can't be true! You can't manage your own two children by yourself?

I think this is not a representative group - when I look around at the families I know, I could see serious deficits in how the children would be cared for and reared in quite a high proportion of cases. I think part of that is cultural, I'm in Ireland and the Irish Mammy is not just a stereotype. The average mum I know tends to so much in the family structure, arguably too much in terms of molly cuddling etc that the contrast would be enormous. Quite a few men I know, even if decent men and involved fathers to the extent of driving kids to activities etc, leave huge swathes of childbearing, decision making etc to their wives. I dated a chap for a while and when he was widowed, it was his sister that took on a huge amount of the care role. Again, this was not some uncaring prick - I think he was just clueless and lacking in experience.

Adequately, yes. They'd be fed and washed and their clothes/homework/house would all be clean, complete and tidy.

They would essentially be left to raise themselves emotionally though. Hugs would be in short supply once the toddler years had passed. It would be a very efficient but mostly soulless household.

Then why make babies with him?

Absolutely. We both have different things that we prioritise, but it would all get done and I wouldn't worry about it being to a lesser standard.

Yes - why wouldn’t my husband be able to take perfectly good care of his child?

My husband is a SAHD so yes absolutely! He’s a brilliant brilliant dad in almost all ways. The only thing that would worry me would be the social side - I do all the play date arranging, taking to parties and so on. Also he is not at all arsed about holidays so I wonder if he’d bother. Basically he’s quite introverted, he’s very emotionally available to DS and I but doesn’t have much social contact beyond that except what I drag him along to.

I think they’d be fine. I’d be a bit worried about emotional support for them, but ultimately the kids would be absolutely fine without me (apart from the fact their mum disappeared, that’ll stay with them forever).

Most men move on very quickly, then it would all down to Stepmum.

@Froggy99 really? You can’t imagine a man turning abusive after having a baby? Or any other reasons apart from the one where you’re assuming I’m a fool? No? Then lucky old you

I am a lone widowed parent, thankfully my children are young adults now but that has been a worry, what is something happened to me?

Yes, he'd do an excellent job. But his strengths are different to mine. So overall he'd do a great job but there would be areas that weren't as good as if I were around. We work well as a team because of this.

I’m better at managing our teenagers ASD. I have a huge advantage, I also have ASD and she and I have remarkably similar presentations. I’ve basically been her in-house OT and therapist. So that would be a loss for both of them.

but overall they would be fine.

DS has left school now but totally confident that if I had died some years ago then DH would have done a fab job. DS would probably be better house trained and not so spoiled too!

Well I've just been away for two nights and DH has got 2 kids to swimming and cadets, 1 to football and hosted a play date. I usually do these things and he did message to confirm timings but all was well. If I disappeared he'd be fine but they'd probably have to do less hobbies due to time.....I usually do the hobbies taxiing around but DH cooks. If I was a solo parent they'd eat a lot less healthy and balanced as I'm not a great cook and DH likes cooking. But I'd learn!
When they came to collect me from the station 2 of the kids had their pj's and onesies on, but it is Sunday so that's not unusual really. I don't think any of them have showered in my absence though! But there's no neglect, dirty clothes or missed events so I know DH would solo parent just fine.
We have life and critical illness cover plus death in service benefit so we would each be able to take a year off work in the event of the other's death and settle kids into a new normal.

Sort of.

Baby is four months old and naturally thinks mum is everything and dad is this funny guy who can't do milk but does good shushy walks.

But after a short sharp shock of adjustment to them both, they'd work it out.

However, today he has man flu, and therefore is The Most Beleaguered Person In The World. Not sure I'd leave him with the cat.

I think it is fairly representative - quite a few posters have said something similar to you, and the same on the thread about going into hospital.

I think the thing is that there are different types of community and regional differences etc - in our group of friends, dads are pretty involved, quite a few took shared parental leave. Because we are in London, loads of us don't have family support so that probably pushes the dads to be more involved too.

DH would probably be a better single dad than I would be as a single mum to be honest - we have different strengths and weaknesses as parents but he is better organised than me by far.

It was the other way round as he dropped dead. I think he would have done a decent job if it had been me though.