If you vanished tomorrow, would your DP/DH care adequately for your kids?

[Naptrappedmummy]

Mine would - but not to the standard I do. It wouldn’t be anything social services-worthy but food wouldn’t be wiped off faces, school uniform would probably be worn one day too many, dinner would be fish fingers and baked beans, the TV would be on too much. That sort of thing.

For some reason thinking about it makes me really stressed!

Materially yes ie all bills paid, school uniform etc and homework would be done but emotionally not in the slightest.

@PictureALadybird unfortunately the inequity isn’t always apparent until it’s too late

100% yes.
He does 80% of it all now.
Place wouldn’t be clean and they would eat utter utter shite but apart from that, they wouldn’t even notice I’m gone.

I can't imagine sharing parenting with someone who I wouldn't trust to care for our children just as well as me.
Even the question doesn't really make sense, it seems to imply currently the OP is doing all the parenting and if she vanished then the DP would take over. Surely better all round is a 50/50 split (or 60/40 whatever to account for earning money)

That's all well and good with hindsight isn't it? My ex would not adequately care for my DC and why he's an ex. Did I know he'd be so useless before having children? No, he promised the world.

This week a lot has come to a head between Dp and I.
This is one of my very real concerns. He would not be able to step up and would also have no interest to. It would be up to my DM and sometimes MiL to raise the kids with him watching on like the 4th child.
Its a really sad situation to be in. I thought it would get better the older the kids got.

No they wouldn't be.

Yes, my ex husband would. It wouldn't be the most emotionally intelligent support or care, but their practical needs would absolutely be met (and some of the heavy stuff too).

I wouldn't have concerns around him caring for them, he's probably more organised than me and a better cook, he would be there emotionally. My biggest worry would be general life admin, the kids are Autistic and I know he would struggle with meetings, forms, reviews, appointments etc (mostly due to him being dyslexic and likely Autistic)

Yes, he'd have to organise some wrap around childcare, but he already does morning drop offs.
He already sorts appointments and can cook.
The DC would probably have to be slightly more independent with what they need for school, which I'm trying to encourage anyway.

They would be fine but I love them so much and they know it so they would miss out on that.

Same here.
DH would feed them etc but he’s useless with the emotional aspect. It’s not really his fault and he has got better over the years but he’s a bit emotionally retarded if I’m honest.
We were brought up very differently. I was brought up by 2 loving parents who attended to our emotional needs well. DH was brought up by his emotionally closed off mum, his dad left for another woman. His dad was a violent bully.
DH was brought up without love or care and his basic needs weren’t met.
He struggles to understand why our (ND)DC’s need so much emotional support.
He feels he turned out ok! I beg to differ!
I love him though ❤️

Emotionally and basic childcare practicalities would be fine. Maybe some things would be done later or a dentist not booked for a while or whatever, but together they would get on top of it. Financially it would be more of a strain, which would lead some tricky choices after a year or two. I don't know how he would sort out probate, nor bill switching, nor keeping track of the old digital photos etc, as DH doesn't do well at any type of admin; my sister and his brother would support hopefully.

He's my ex-dh but he'd absolutely step up. The things you've mentioned aren't that important. Love, warmth, food etc are. Ex has taken on more since we split. It's easy to let one person be in charge of certain things.
I struggled with the lawn mower, the car stuff and the bins when he left. But I've got on top of it slowly.

100% he’s better than me!! He’s attentive, thoughtful, plays amazingly with him, puts him to bed every other night, gets up early sometimes like I do. No doubt in my mind!

Come on guys, you are all supposed to say no! Don’t you realise this site thinks all men are useless and don’t do a fair share of child rearing etc?! 😁

Absolutely. Wouldn't have married or had kids with anybody who I would have felt couldn't.

Ick at using the word retarded.

Yes, Dh would care for them as well as me. The only thing I think would be a problem for him, is keeping on top of the washing. He'd probably do it, and it would never get put away. They'd just live off piles of clean washing in the utility. He would, however, feed them well, ensure they shower and brush their teeth daily, and help with their homework, make dc2 packed lunch, take them to all their clubs, kiss them goodnight, tuck them into bed and listen about their school day, because he does all these things anyway!

Yes, absolutely! It may look different to how I care for them and I can see less of the extra curricular activities and fun bits happening but they would be well taken care of. I think the main things he'd struggle with are the mental load of remembering birthday parties, discos, dentist appointments, vaccination appointments etc and Christmas and birthdays, I genuinely don't think he has any idea how much thinking, time and effort goes into making things like that happen. He'd have to learn pretty quickly though!

Yes. He's an excellent Dad. The things he can't currently do because I do and are not his "domain" he would learn to do. Including French plaits - he taught himself how to do ponytails

IME on these types of thread the classic mumsnet response is "absolutely - I can't believe you would breed with someone who you hadn't vetted in their French plait skills, financial stability and general perfection first " 😂

You can’t always tell.

My ex spent a fortune on our fertility treatment. Spend hours decorating our girls nursery. Shopped for them constantly. Poured over baby name books. Absolutely doted on them for the first 4 months.

Then got bored. Walked out when they were 6 months. He saw them on and off depending on which new girlfriend he was looking to impress at the time.

They’re at Uni. One hasn’t seen him for 4 years and the other for nearly 2 years

Physically and financially yes, emotionally and mentally no.

Yes, obviously things would be different to how they are now though.

My DC are girls though so there would be a worry surrounding emotional support.

They’d be fine, we recently moved country and he moved over first with the children, it was for about six weeks. He did everything a parent needs to do, he struggled with hair care due to a disability, so booked them in for a wash and style twice a week.