If you vanished tomorrow, would your DP/DH care adequately for your kids?

[Naptrappedmummy]

Mine would - but not to the standard I do. It wouldn’t be anything social services-worthy but food wouldn’t be wiped off faces, school uniform would probably be worn one day too many, dinner would be fish fingers and baked beans, the TV would be on too much. That sort of thing.

For some reason thinking about it makes me really stressed!

This is a worry of mine. Ex lives abroad and hardly sees DD so it would be a massive upheaval to start with. I expect he would outsource the majority of parenting to his mother. DD would be fed, clothed, taken to school etc. But emotional support, facilitating of activities and social life would definitely be lacking. I'd rather she went to my sister or a close friend if anything happened to me in all honesty

Foster care unless you have family to care for them. Mine would go into foster care as no family help.

It isnt regional. It is social circle. All the dads in our circle are equal, competent parents. The only ones who arent are in my circle through being related and not by choice!

in answer of the initial question, i would hope he would be a mess looking for me.

but generally speaking he is an equal and competent parent, does 100% of the cooking and a good chunk of the cleaning.

A close relative of mine sadly died when her children were 7 and 5. Her husband has done a truly amazing job and they are both now adults.

Wider family did rally round, but he did 95% of the work. And has never dated since she died - he didn't have time or inclination.

He did do it differently, I would say, his kids have always pitched in more than other kids their age, from quite an early stage, they would take part in housework and cooking etc but I think that's a good thing

Yes he would. Practically and emotionally. He’s a top notch dad who carries the mental load equally. He sees the children for who they are sometimes better than I do (I tend to worry about the mundane- he does all the mundane stuff but is also good at seeing the big picture). If he was gone we would really struggle- he’s the light of our lives.

He’s introverted so my only worry would be in terms of play dates and such like. I don’t see him approaching other parents to set it up. And all their clothes would come from the Gap and that’s it. But he’s a fabulous dad. His mum was very sick as a child and his dad stepped up. So he’s had an excellent role model growing up.

He'd do very well.
Was in hospital just over a year ago for almost a week and he was fine. He already does plenty of domestic stuff.
If he struggled anywhere it would be time. My children are old enough to bring themselves home from school if necessary but DH simply doesn't have the extra hours in his day to dedicate to things like school projects or the like.
Like a pp we balance each other well on the emotional side of parenting - I'm softer and they open up to me about stuff more and DH is stricter so stuff actually gets done!
DH would also have to put up with my mum blustering in and trying to take over. She means well but it can be a bit.... much.

Social circle / community that's kinda what I meant.

I do think there is a regional component to social circle norms though - London has more two income families because of cost of living, as a PP was saying, places like Ireland can tend to have more emphasis on the maternal role etc.

Of course it's only a component, I am not saying region is the only element here at all

Like you, my social circle is full of dads who parent equally

Yes but I'm not certain he would be adequate emotionally unfortunately.

Mine is grown now but he would definitely have managed without me. He was a stay at home dad in the early 90s when it was a pretty unusual thing to do. He was brilliant at it, very organised, capable and probably much better than I'd have been as a SAHM.

Yes!

I think mine would be very similar to what you've described OP

My mum would become heavily involved in their upbringing (we're very close to my parents already and my mum is relatively young as she had me in her teens, so fit and healthy etc), which is a huge comfort to me.

Mine is 18 now, but had I vanished when she was, say, a 3 year old, DH would probably have done better than me. Apart that is, from cooking. He’d be more than able to provide a hot meal, even a from scratch one, but it might not taste great and I’d imagine a lot of over cooked veg and boiled potatoes.

Oh and plaits would be a non starter.

Not all men are totally useless.

I worry about this as I'm a single parent, and if anything happened to me, DC would have to go to EXDP, rather than my family (he'd never allow it).

EXDP has only ever looked after DC during weekends and holidays, even when we were together, and does no DC admin. He has absolutely NO idea about how I juggle organising school runs, after school activities, my work and any other meetings.

I guess he'd have to learn quickly if this came to pass LOL

Yes, he would, but it would be different from the life that I built for them. They would absolutely have all their needs met, including their emotional needs, they’re very close to their dad, but day to day would look different.

I used to worry a lot about what would happen if I ‘disappeared’ because I do everything in relation to the kids’ admin and day to day life organisation. He’s never been near the schools unless I asked him to, doesn’t organise anything extracurricular unless I said that I needed help with transportation arrangements for instance. He rarely goes on holidays with us, and has never organised one. Life would grind to a halt for a while until he figured it all out and I suspect lots of the non essentials wouldn’t ever happen again. They’re older teens now, and I worry less because they take care of most of this by themselves now and DS is old enough to organise DD if needed.

Yes he would although I think a lot of things might be forgotten - pe kits, reading books etc but he would generally be fine.

Yes he would feed them well, entertain them on PS5. Get them up for school but not much else.

Plus he works 7 hours away so he would have to change careers.

Well you don't really know until you've had the kids.

Yes he would.

I think he'd cope about the same as I would if he disappeared. There would definitely be a lot more deliveroo!

Not as well as me. Firstly he wouldn't be able to work the hours he does as not even wraparound care is open at those times. And I think the house would be a mess, they wouldn't eat great and extra curricular things/kids parties etc wouldn't be attended.
It's not that he's incapable and all these "why did you have kids with him" comments aren't needed. It's just we have different strengths.

If he wasn't around it would take me a week of hard graft to earn what he can earn in a day. I'm not as confident at driving as him so further destinations/UK holidays probably wouldnt happen and I'd never get the lids off the pasta jars.

Swings and roundabouts

Yes definitely, they would be loved , fed healthy , cared for and have emotional support and conversations, he's a great dad

Yes, he's an amazing dad.

No they wouldn't be taken care of properly. DH was diagnosed with ASD after DC2. The house would be an utter state and emotionally they'd have very little support although he does love them. He's a lovely man but he doesn't properly take care of his own physical needs never mind theirs. It would be a real worry if I was to get ill.

Hoenstly I think that either of us would struggle to do everything single handedly. Being a single parent is really hard. But I think that DP would do as good a job as I would. Sadly, I think he'd do a better job of it if I were to disappear than he presently does.