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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wholeheartedly agree with Brianna Ghey’s mother

543 replies

Moonpig82 · 04/02/2024 08:34

I spotted this article this morning. We personally do not allow Tik Tok, Insta, Facebook, Snapchat. For our eldest who has just got a phone when starting Year 7. However we have succumbed to whatsapp.

What are people’s thoughts? How can we ‘police’ our children’s phones?

Or AIBU and there is no policing for social media? I know my Year 7 child’s friends do have these apps. Not all of them though.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-68193103

Brianna Ghey and her mother Esther pictured together before her daughter was murdered

Brianna Ghey: Ban children's access to social media apps, her mother says

Scarlett Jenkinson, who killed Brianna, had watched videos of violence and torture on the dark web.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-68193103

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
Sunnnybunny72 · 04/02/2024 20:22

Froggy99 · 04/02/2024 20:09

My year 11 child has no social media and shows no interest in it.

How do they communicate with their friends outside of school?

CaptainPliskin · 04/02/2024 20:24

Cerealkiller4U · 04/02/2024 19:48

Studies have shown it’s a behaviour which is mimicked. So the parent needs to stop using them in reality.

Show quote history

then if its copying etc why are we not holding tv companies also responsible ?

girlfriend44 · 04/02/2024 20:31

Cerealkiller4U · 04/02/2024 19:43

WhatsApp might not be here soon! Unless they open up their end to end encryption.

Show quote history

Texts are free with a package.

CaptainPliskin · 04/02/2024 20:33

Cerealkiller4U · 04/02/2024 19:43

WhatsApp might not be here soon! Unless they open up their end to end encryption.

Show quote history

why would they need to open their encryption ?

girlfriend44 · 04/02/2024 20:36

PaperDoIIs · 04/02/2024 18:14

@soupfiend I honestly don't mind discussions as to why. I much prefer them as they tend to uncover a lot more going on, other systemic failures, I learn a lot etc.

But knee jerk, witch hunty , pie in the sky reactions like ban all smart phones/the internet until 18 are pointless. They focus on the wrong things, never go anywhere or end up with any real solutions or change and it just gives a platform to the sanctimonious to tell us how their 75 yo dad never needed a smart phone and their kid didn't even have a phone until 19. Yeah right. Never mind that I actually talked about the dangers of outright bans and how vulnerable it has left some of the kids I work with and I was completely ignored. Because no one actually wants to have a discussion or debate, just to beat a certain drum.

I agree with you whole heartedly on porn. I also see and acknowledge the dangers of SM . You know what I never see? Asks for bans of smartphone or the internet in that context. Sure there's talk about content and platforms but I have never seen someone say no man /boy should have access to a smart phone in case he accesses violent porn on it. It's never,ever even a consideration.

Also why is no one demanding the ban of Netflix(and such like) or no child having access until 16/18? It was also a contributing factor. By the sounds of it, it seems to have sparked /fed Scarlett's fascination with blood and gore and murder. In her own home,in plain view.

Her parents should have been monitoring what she watched. Sounds like she was in her room alot on her own. Aren't they Parental Controls on Netflix?

How about you font have a smarthone until you can afford to buy it and pay the Bill yourself?
How come parents have got to buy all the kids smartphones and pay the bills?
That's alot of pressure on the family budget isn't it?

girlfriend44 · 04/02/2024 20:41

Boathouse5654 · 04/02/2024 20:12

Great that’s your child. It isn’t the norm.

If all parents weren't so weak and put up a United front then it would be the norm.
It's like kids bullying kids because they haven't got the latest trainers. If all.parents didn't buy the latest trainers there wouldn't be any bullying.
Parents are weak. The current norm isn't working?

SpicyMoth · 04/02/2024 20:44

Boathouse5654 · 04/02/2024 19:50

SpicyMoth
You just can’t enforce that with 15, 16 and even 14 year olds.

Collecting phones in and limiting screen time caused us years of misery and arguments as it was. Both of which were completely fruitless as regards protection.

Apologies, perhaps I'm being especially dense as my head's been total mush this 1st trimester - But I don't understand why though?

If the phone they have is not a smart phone and doesn't have the capability for apps/internet access, then where is the need to collect phones and limit screen time? Where do the misery and arguments come from?

As for 16 year olds, if they've gone out and gotten a job, saved and paid for a smartphone themselves (I can't realistically see a 14 or 15 year old having the self control/self discipline to save enough needed to buy one) then I don't see a massive issue?
All you can really do at that point aside from all the obvious parental controls that you can put in place (and that they will eventually find loopholes for) is just hope that they don't feel the need to keep secrets from you and make sure they know that not everyone is a nice person.
To never give people your personal real life information. That people will lie, will manipulate, will trick and deceive, will project their own thoughts/feelings onto others so they don't feel so alone, will bully, dehumanise, and so so so much worse.
You need to let them know that not everyone is a saint, there are some truly evil people out there and you have to be very careful where you tread as one person's dark sense of humour is another's legitimate sexual fantasy.
I knew all of these things at 16. Hell I knew all of these things by probably about 13. They'd drum it into you at school, after school clubs, whole PSHCE lessons dedicated entirely to this, as well as age appropriate tid bits of "be careful" at home from mum and dad.
But in this day and age of technology, all of that should be a given anyway :S

If your teen doesn't feel able to come and talk to you about things, that's the very first step in them falling down rabbit holes online.

All that being said, it's been a decently long time since I was a teen and since I was being warned about things by my parents and school, maybe things are really really different now and these warnings are taken forgranted. Maybe I really am just very out of touch and naive.

I just vividly remember being very conscious about not telling strangers anything about myself, and being very careful what sites I visited and feeling immense guilt to the point of nausea when I did something online I knew was "bad" or "wrong". Immense amount of fear and worry related to that.
It's a bit perplexing to me that seemingly this isn't a feeling kids these days have? Or if they do it's very fleeting because they know they can get away with stuff? Maybe?
I just genuinely don't understand tbh.

Boathouse5654 · 04/02/2024 20:46

SpicyMoth
How old are your children?

Boathouse5654 · 04/02/2024 20:50

?

SpicyMoth · 04/02/2024 20:52

StrictlyJowita · 04/02/2024 17:51

I keep seeing "funny" videos (really not funny to me, sad a depressing more like) of parents in restaurants drawing/colouring in placemats and their kids swiping away on tablet and phones playing games or watching something, for god's sake, WHY?!!!
I just don't get it.

I've never seen these. You should get off the internet and live a more wholesome life. Fancy spending your time watching videos of other people going to restaurants! WHY???

My life is very wholesome tyvm, I just vastly prefer Youtube to television and "shorts" (YT's version of TikToks) come up a lot as they're being pushed by YT's algorithm.

I don't "watch" these videos, the still thumbnail and titles are more than enough for me to work out what's being shown in the video without having to actually watch it.

Thanks for the criticism though, sorry my not enjoying television offends you so much I guess?

Boathouse5654 · 04/02/2024 20:53

Could you tell us how old your children are?

SpicyMoth · 04/02/2024 20:56

Boathouse5654 · 04/02/2024 20:46

SpicyMoth
How old are your children?

I have said repeatedly in almost every comment I've made on this thread that "Maybe I am naive as I'm only in my first trimester right now".
This was acknowledged by other posters and is now being ignored as if I never said it??
I've also said repeatedly that I'm not judging, just that I don't understand?
I'd like to do things differently to how my and my DP's experience growing up with technology was.

JustJessi · 04/02/2024 20:57

Children should have absolutely no social media. And no unsupervised internet access. My DD is only a baby now, but when she goes to play dates, I will make it clear to parents that she does not have permission to use any smart devices, whatsoever.

SpicyMoth · 04/02/2024 20:57

Boathouse5654 · 04/02/2024 20:53

Could you tell us how old your children are?

"SpicyMoth · Today 17:43

Maybe I'm just too inexperienced/naïve as I'm only in first trimester with my first currently, but I don't want my kids having smart anything's."

Literally taken from the first line of my first comment on this thread.

Boathouse5654 · 04/02/2024 20:58

So you don’t even have any children and are lecturing to parents of 20 year olds how to navigate the teenage years.😂😂😂

whiteroseredrose · 04/02/2024 20:58

Actually I'd be interested in that too @Boathouse5654.

Lots of people holier than thou with young DC. It all changes when your DC hits secondary school and face social exclusion without a phone.

SpicyMoth · 04/02/2024 20:59

Boathouse5654 · 04/02/2024 20:58

So you don’t even have any children and are lecturing to parents of 20 year olds how to navigate the teenage years.😂😂😂

I am quite literally not lecturing and have repeated that I simply do not understand, but if you want to take it that way then so be it I guess?

Boathouse5654 · 04/02/2024 21:01

SpicyMoth · 04/02/2024 20:44

Apologies, perhaps I'm being especially dense as my head's been total mush this 1st trimester - But I don't understand why though?

If the phone they have is not a smart phone and doesn't have the capability for apps/internet access, then where is the need to collect phones and limit screen time? Where do the misery and arguments come from?

As for 16 year olds, if they've gone out and gotten a job, saved and paid for a smartphone themselves (I can't realistically see a 14 or 15 year old having the self control/self discipline to save enough needed to buy one) then I don't see a massive issue?
All you can really do at that point aside from all the obvious parental controls that you can put in place (and that they will eventually find loopholes for) is just hope that they don't feel the need to keep secrets from you and make sure they know that not everyone is a nice person.
To never give people your personal real life information. That people will lie, will manipulate, will trick and deceive, will project their own thoughts/feelings onto others so they don't feel so alone, will bully, dehumanise, and so so so much worse.
You need to let them know that not everyone is a saint, there are some truly evil people out there and you have to be very careful where you tread as one person's dark sense of humour is another's legitimate sexual fantasy.
I knew all of these things at 16. Hell I knew all of these things by probably about 13. They'd drum it into you at school, after school clubs, whole PSHCE lessons dedicated entirely to this, as well as age appropriate tid bits of "be careful" at home from mum and dad.
But in this day and age of technology, all of that should be a given anyway :S

If your teen doesn't feel able to come and talk to you about things, that's the very first step in them falling down rabbit holes online.

All that being said, it's been a decently long time since I was a teen and since I was being warned about things by my parents and school, maybe things are really really different now and these warnings are taken forgranted. Maybe I really am just very out of touch and naive.

I just vividly remember being very conscious about not telling strangers anything about myself, and being very careful what sites I visited and feeling immense guilt to the point of nausea when I did something online I knew was "bad" or "wrong". Immense amount of fear and worry related to that.
It's a bit perplexing to me that seemingly this isn't a feeling kids these days have? Or if they do it's very fleeting because they know they can get away with stuff? Maybe?
I just genuinely don't understand tbh.

Show quote history

You literally just gave us a run down on how we should be managing our teens.

Cerealkiller4U · 04/02/2024 21:02

CaptainPliskin · 04/02/2024 20:33

why would they need to open their encryption ?

Show quote history

Because of the new online safety bill

Cerealkiller4U · 04/02/2024 21:03

CaptainPliskin · 04/02/2024 20:24

then if its copying etc why are we not holding tv companies also responsible ?

Show quote history

God. You don’t remember the 80’s? That is all we did!!!

PaperDoIIs · 04/02/2024 21:05

@girlfriend44 I guess it depends. DD's phone is my old phone, that we had anyway. Her pay as you go is £8 a month. It's not exactly a fortune and she does have money saved from birthdays,Christmases, Holy communion, etc. so she could use her own money to pay me for it if I asked. Or buy her own phone.

However, I don't want that. This way it's not her phone, it's my phone that she gets the privilege of using . Like I said before she can't download anything on it (even free apps) without me putting the password in and giving permission. One of the conditions of her having it it's me checking it whenever I feel like it. If she wants an app, we talk about it , but a no is a no. If she pesters,the phone is gone. Anything on her phone like deleted messages,passwords ,hidden etc , the phone is gone. I'm lucky she's not fully teenage yet so it works and she's quite used to it.

I said no to snapchat because I don't like the disappearing messages/pics feature. Just no. I also said no to instagram. I'll put my hand up and admit I allowed tik tok on a trial basis, it didn't work out so it went away. She has WhatsApp,messages, youtube,spotify and roblox as social media type stuff. Plus a billion of stupid games and school stuff.

At the moment it works and it's something I'm comfortable with (i disagree with outright bans for various reasons). If/when it doesn't work , I'll reassess and figure out a way of dealing with it.

As an aside, I used to play roblox with her (and her friends sometimes ) for hours so I could get my head around exactly how everything worked and what was involved. Would it have been easier to say no? Sure, but on top of keeping her safe and understanding what's what, it was extra bonding time together, paying attention to and taking an active interest in (one of ) her interests and getting to know her friends better.

I honestly do believe that moderation with parental guidance,support and supervision is the best way to navigate this from various points of view. I might change my mind in a few years when she's 16/17 and rue the day. Hopefully I won't.

whiteroseredrose · 04/02/2024 21:05

@SpicyMoth I think you will have lots of ideas about rules and what you will and won't allow your DC to have or do. Fine while it is all theoretical. You may find that the reality is quite different.

Boathouse5654 · 04/02/2024 21:05

Just so you’re aware you can buy burner phones for under £30 on the school bus and from second hand shops that will take all sorts of crap that’s easy for kids to accumulate.

Teens go through stages of not wanting to talk to their parents, even the ones who were earlier for all sorts of reasons. That’s their job.

I think you’re in for a massive big wake up call when you do become a parent of teens. You’ll cringe at what you posted below, I can promise you that.

PaperDoIIs · 04/02/2024 21:07

JustJessi · 04/02/2024 20:57

Children should have absolutely no social media. And no unsupervised internet access. My DD is only a baby now, but when she goes to play dates, I will make it clear to parents that she does not have permission to use any smart devices, whatsoever.

Oh jeese, another one.

Boathouse5654 · 04/02/2024 21:08

😂😂😂

Come back when you’ve survived potty training and the terrible 2s or do you have to tips in advance for that too?