Is this a reasonable response

[NC2409]

I’ll try and keep this as short as possible.

I’ve just entered my second trimester of pregnancy after 19 months of trying. During this time, my husband and I went through multiple fertility tests and were diagnosed with unexplained infertility. To finally fall pregnant naturally was a shock to say the least.

My best friend of 12 years very sadly had a miscarriage in November just days after I told her I was pregnant (she knew of our fertility struggles so I told her the very second I had my positive test). I was really supportive of her during this time and throughout this, she constantly reassured me that she wanted me to talk about my pregnancy with her as she knew how hard my journey was. I had early private scans that she always asked to see and she always celebrated me. I haven’t been bringing it up to her - we only talk about it when she brings it up so it’s on her terms. Throughout her pregnancy, I always ensured to be supportive of her too and I never let my own struggles get in the way of that.

Things were great between us, up until yesterday. I had a scan with the NHS and it went really well. I got to hear baby’s heartbeat and I sobbed because this is everything I’ve dreamed of. My best friend texted me before the scan to wish me good luck, and texted me immediately after to ask how it went. I told her it went really well. She read my text straight away and didn’t respond. I texted her to ask if she was ok and again, she didn’t respond. I asked other friends to discreetly check in and she told them all that she was fine.

Later that evening, my husband and I decided to announce our pregnancy via Instagram.

This morning, my best friend texted me telling me that she’s furious with me. She said I was very insensitive to her miscarriage by announcing my pregnancy, and said I should have ran it by her first. I replied explaining that I never meant to be insensitive, I was just excited, and I thought she wouldn’t mind as she’s always encouraged me to talk about my pregnancy. She then said that I am insensitive and told me that she doesn’t want me to talk about my pregnancy around her at all anymore, and also doesn’t approve of me posting anything about my pregnancy online. She said if I feel the need to post in future, I should run it by her first. She then finished by saying that our friend group all agrees that I’m insensitive. None of my friends have told me they’re glad my scan went well or have congratulated me on becoming pregnant. This makes me feel like my best friend is right and I just feel terrible.

I haven’t replied as I just don’t know what to say. I’ve been sobbing on and off all day with guilt. Am I insensitive? Should I have asked her if I was ok to post my pregnancy announcement? I just really don’t know how to handle this

Read this back… “Should I have asked my best friend if I could post about my pregnancy.” Obviously not, no. You don’t need to ask your best friends permission. She sounds unhinged! Your husband must think she’s nuts! He’ll be excited too and as a result of this unhinged friend you’ve spent the day crying. I’d be cutting her out my life.

I’m a mum and I’ve had my own fertility problems including a PUL. Your “friend” is nuts!

I think she is being very unreasonable and unfair, but it comes from a place of profound suffering, so I would cut her a lot of slack. I would gently insist on some boundaries, though; I would respect the request not to talk about the baby around her, but I wouldn't allow her to control what and when I posted online. I would tell her I wouldn't be offended if she needed to mute me for a while so she didn't have to see anything that might upset her.

Your other friend's' behaviour is more confusing. I would have to talk to them all individually and find out exactly what has been said, and try to clear up any misunderstandings. FWIW, I don't think you have done anything wrong.

Congratulations on your baby x

She is being unreasonable; yes, what happened to her is really sad but she has no right to tell anyone what they can and can't post on their social media and you were not unreasonable to post about it. If she finds pregnancy talk too difficult, she can mute your posts.

I would check what she told your friends - are they under the impression that your post was the first time she knew about your pregnancy?

I wouldn't make a huge deal about it. You have replied to your friend and explained your side. I wouldn't keep trying to make it better. She is hurt because of her own situation; you can't and shouldn't apologise for being pregnant.

YANBU - you need some time apart. You know the feeling with the infertility journey you went through and how it feels like it will never happen for you and it’s so, so hard.
I have never had a miscarriage but we had IVF so I’ve felt the grief and everyone else getting pregnant and it’s painful.

You need to enjoy every minute of this but also be aware that your friendship might take a break for now and it may not recover.

After what we went through, I don’t put things about pregnancy or kids on SM as I don’t know what anyone else is going through. It’s up to you with what you share but definitely use the setting that won’t share it to her from now on to show you’re being sensitive now you know.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, its such a relief hearing and seeing the heartbeat.
Your friend had a miscarriage in November and is likely still very raw however she is being unreasonable trying to dictate who and when you can tell. It really isn't any of her business.

Don't apologise again.
Take a break away from social media, you don't need to post every bit of information on your pregnancy.
Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy.

She’s also pulled out of plans in our friendship group because I’m attending. I don’t want to plaster my pregnancy online or have it be all I talk about. I only wanted to announce it and leave it at that. I’m just heartbroken that I feel like I’m losing my friend

Double posted.

It is a bit odd to post about your pregnancy online. I have never known anyone do that. Maybe she was a bit shocked. did it include a scan picture? That might have been quite triggering.

She is distressed, cut her some slack. Just back off for a while and hope things between you can be mended in the future. I don't think either of you are in the wrong

Post anything you like, when you like, as you ike. Her permission never required. She needs more help than you can give her. You can't walk on eggshells about the most important event in your life, it's unreasonable to try to make you. Your friendship is effectively over. Unless you plan to counsel her and sideline your joyous event forever with zero guarantee she'll get over it.

You can't fix her, shouldn't be expected to try and have every right to post whatever you want. Enjoy your pregnancy.

You were sensitive to her situation and told her before announcing. You could have warned her that you were about to announce it but you didn’t have to. She is being nuts, but then that’s what such a hard situation can drive someone to. No need to apologise, definitely no need to ask her permission for future posts.

She isn't a true friend.. Post away op.. She can block you if she wants..

Did you have to announce it on Instagram? I've never seen that before, it seems a bit unnecessary.

Everyone in our friendship group who has ever been pregnant, including my best friend before her miscarriage, has posted a pregnancy announcement online after the first trimester including a scan picture.
I see pregnancy announcements on social media near enough every month. It’s very common to do where I am

Everyone in our friendship group who has ever been pregnant, including my best friend before her miscarriage, has posted a pregnancy announcement online after the first trimester including a scan picture.
I see pregnancy announcements on social media near enough every month. It’s very common to do where I am

You cannot live your life according to her wishes. She is being very unreasonable. You have been so understanding and sensitive towards her. Just continue enjoying your pregnancy and doing things as you and your DH want to.

She sounds like a manipulative little cow. I would show everyone else in the friendship group all the messages she has sent asking about your pregnancy and encouraging you to talk about it. It’s the only way to prove to them that the tone has been set by her 100% and you haven’t been insensitively ramming it down her throat.

I’m baffled by the comments saying they’ve never seen a pregnancy announced online! Of course that’s an entirely normal thing to do and your friend is being very unfair. She can’t dictate what you do and whilst it’s sad for her, it’s also sad she can’t be happy for her best friend.

No it’s not - it’s entirely normal. Even a 45 year old dinosaur like me posted a scan pic on Facebook 11 years ago.

The faux ‘who posts on social media?’ is just mean. You can post and enjoy and not live your life on it.

Oh behave yourself. Do you live under a rock?

She's managed to make this all about her and her pain. You can feel sorry for her situation while also recognising you are allowed to feel happy about your own pregnancy. Don't allow her to set the narrative - she's going too far saying you should have run it past her before announcing your pregnancy. I mean honestly, read that back.

She sounds a bit unhinged and she may well be due to what she’s gone through. Your other “friends” sound like absolute bitches though.

It’s common everywhere OP.

You've never seen anyone post about their pregnancy online? Have you been locked in a bunker for the last 15 odd years?

You don't think there's anything wrong with someone demanding a friend can't share anything about their own life with out getting their 'permission'?! Have a chat!!