Is this a reasonable response

[NC2409]

I’ll try and keep this as short as possible.

I’ve just entered my second trimester of pregnancy after 19 months of trying. During this time, my husband and I went through multiple fertility tests and were diagnosed with unexplained infertility. To finally fall pregnant naturally was a shock to say the least.

My best friend of 12 years very sadly had a miscarriage in November just days after I told her I was pregnant (she knew of our fertility struggles so I told her the very second I had my positive test). I was really supportive of her during this time and throughout this, she constantly reassured me that she wanted me to talk about my pregnancy with her as she knew how hard my journey was. I had early private scans that she always asked to see and she always celebrated me. I haven’t been bringing it up to her - we only talk about it when she brings it up so it’s on her terms. Throughout her pregnancy, I always ensured to be supportive of her too and I never let my own struggles get in the way of that.

Things were great between us, up until yesterday. I had a scan with the NHS and it went really well. I got to hear baby’s heartbeat and I sobbed because this is everything I’ve dreamed of. My best friend texted me before the scan to wish me good luck, and texted me immediately after to ask how it went. I told her it went really well. She read my text straight away and didn’t respond. I texted her to ask if she was ok and again, she didn’t respond. I asked other friends to discreetly check in and she told them all that she was fine.

Later that evening, my husband and I decided to announce our pregnancy via Instagram.

This morning, my best friend texted me telling me that she’s furious with me. She said I was very insensitive to her miscarriage by announcing my pregnancy, and said I should have ran it by her first. I replied explaining that I never meant to be insensitive, I was just excited, and I thought she wouldn’t mind as she’s always encouraged me to talk about my pregnancy. She then said that I am insensitive and told me that she doesn’t want me to talk about my pregnancy around her at all anymore, and also doesn’t approve of me posting anything about my pregnancy online. She said if I feel the need to post in future, I should run it by her first. She then finished by saying that our friend group all agrees that I’m insensitive. None of my friends have told me they’re glad my scan went well or have congratulated me on becoming pregnant. This makes me feel like my best friend is right and I just feel terrible.

I haven’t replied as I just don’t know what to say. I’ve been sobbing on and off all day with guilt. Am I insensitive? Should I have asked her if I was ok to post my pregnancy announcement? I just really don’t know how to handle this

The OP has literally said Everyone in our friendship group who has ever been pregnant, including my best friend before her miscarriage, has posted a pregnancy announcement online after the first trimester including a scan picture

OP you're not being unreasonable. Posters saying they've never seen anyone announce a pregnancy online just can't be on social media! It's what most people do and you don't need her permission to do it.

Don't you dare let her dictate how or what you post about your pregnancy! You've been considerate to her feelings but she doesn't get to dictate your movements

Just because everyone else did it doesn't mean it's a tasteful thing to do

@VanilleA do you feel the friend was distasteful too in her previous posts ir was it OK from her?

I don't think it's tasteful for anyone to do it no

This ^ was my first thought as well.
I agree that it’s unforgivable and I would be furious with her.
You were way too nice with her. She shouldn’t have asked about your pregnancy if she was so upset. And her demands about your announcement and future post were very weird. You can post what you want she can unfollow you or hide your posts if she doesn’t want to see them. And I’m saying this as someone who struggled, a lot of my friends were having second and third babies while I got to my IVF round. I was pleased for them and congratulated them all.

Huge congratulations to you OP on your pregnancy, it’s so exciting. And so glad that all scans went well.

@VanilleA I don't think OP was asking you to evaluate the tastefulness of her social media habits.

So the friend doing it is OK, op doing same isn't?

It is a bit odd to post about your pregnancy online. I have never known anyone do that

It’s completely normal and people do it all the time. It’s not at all unusual and I’m amazed you’ve never noticed anyone doing it.

It’s no different from sharing any other life update with friends on social media. Sharing personal news is literally what social media is meant to be used for. If someone’s happy news is ‘triggering’ for you, then that’s unfortunate and difficult for you, but it’s also not the fault of the person who shared it.

OP, you have done nothing wrong at all and your friend’s behaviour is terrible. Clearly she is having a difficult time, but her reaction is not remotely reasonable and it’s not fair for her to take out her grief on you.

Op how far along are you and how far was she when she had her miscarriage?

I don’t think you’re a particularly well-informed arbiter, as you don’t really seem to understand social media etiquette and apparently have very limited observation or experience of how people use it. But it’s a moot point anyway, as the OP’s friend wasn’t complaining on grounds of taste.

It's not your fault, but society is so now screwed up we don't really comprehend social norms anymore: "Later that evening, my husband and I decided to announce our pregnancy via Instagram."

That's the heart of the wider societal issue here.

I think there’s an element of this too.

Don’t post pictures from your wedding - some people are widowed or divorced. Don’t post pictures from your graduation - some people got rejected from schools they applied to. Actually, don’t post pictures of anything in your life, because some people don’t have those things. 🙄

Years ago my best friend and I were due at the same time.Her son was stillborn, my baby fine. She still wanted to see my baby a lot, no jealousy and was sat the hospital to visit. Had a special bond with my child and celebrated with us. That’s what a friend does. Not make you child taboo because they were not lucky

It is a bit odd to post about your pregnancy online. I have never known anyone do that

I think that's odd. Pregnancy announcements online are very common these days. I'd say pretty much every pregnancy I've heard of in recent years has been announced online.

OP you've done nothing wrong. As for running everything by her before you post? I've never heard anything so ridiculous. Don't even consider it.

Oh, and congratulations

No but another poster was

Those things are different to infertility and the death of a baby

What sad but lovely story.
I hope your friend goes on to have her own baby someday

Sorry but literally everyone I know announces it online 🤔

Your friend is bonkers. It probably is her grief talking but that does not excuse her behaviour or that of your other friends. In my friendship group we have had those with fertility struggles and miscarriages and none of them have acted like this when others have announced their pregnancy - they may have struggled with it but have not ever done anything to affect the happiness and joy of those pregnant.

I would tell your other friends what you have said here - that she's been seemingly happy for you until this and that given your fertility you are sure they understand why this is such a big deal for you and your husband. And then send her a gentle message to say whilst you understand it may be hard for her, you are entitled to be happy and manage your pregnancy in the way you want to. There are two parent in this pregnancy and she isn't one of them.

There are times in your life when you find out who your friends are, I hope that your other friends come round I really do.

Congratulations - enjoy your pregnancy and try not to let this affect your journey x

Sounds like she was a hoping for bad news, in which case, you don’t need her as a friend.

The vast majority of people I know have posted on SM to announce their pregnancy and that’s your choice.

You deserve to enjoy your pregnancy and it’s unfair that your ‘friendship group’ are spoiling this.

YANBU.

Don’t let this spoil what should you be a wonderful time for you and your partner.

OP don’t let this incident burst your pregnancy bubble of happiness! It’s quite possible your friend just did a knee jerk reaction and will come to herself and realise how out of order she’s been. Especially her request for you to run things past her - that’s bonkers!
Id definitely try and speak to other friends and make sure they know how things have been, that you understand the struggles of seeing others being pregnant, but when things were the other way round you were happy for your friend.
Can you pop round to your friends with some flowers and some nice biscuits and suggest you have a cuppa and a chat? Make it clear that you’re sorry she was hurt by your post, not that you’re sorry you did it. Might be better to clear the air than let it fester.

Wow she’s behaving terribly. To try to ruin your joy due to her unhappiness. That’s appalling. I assume your friends are just scared to say anything due to her behaviour. I’d post as you wish, continue as you would. Please don’t feel you need to hide your pregnancy . The friendship is over anyway, as she’s not going to wish to be there when baby comes.