Is this a reasonable response

[NC2409]

I’ll try and keep this as short as possible.

I’ve just entered my second trimester of pregnancy after 19 months of trying. During this time, my husband and I went through multiple fertility tests and were diagnosed with unexplained infertility. To finally fall pregnant naturally was a shock to say the least.

My best friend of 12 years very sadly had a miscarriage in November just days after I told her I was pregnant (she knew of our fertility struggles so I told her the very second I had my positive test). I was really supportive of her during this time and throughout this, she constantly reassured me that she wanted me to talk about my pregnancy with her as she knew how hard my journey was. I had early private scans that she always asked to see and she always celebrated me. I haven’t been bringing it up to her - we only talk about it when she brings it up so it’s on her terms. Throughout her pregnancy, I always ensured to be supportive of her too and I never let my own struggles get in the way of that.

Things were great between us, up until yesterday. I had a scan with the NHS and it went really well. I got to hear baby’s heartbeat and I sobbed because this is everything I’ve dreamed of. My best friend texted me before the scan to wish me good luck, and texted me immediately after to ask how it went. I told her it went really well. She read my text straight away and didn’t respond. I texted her to ask if she was ok and again, she didn’t respond. I asked other friends to discreetly check in and she told them all that she was fine.

Later that evening, my husband and I decided to announce our pregnancy via Instagram.

This morning, my best friend texted me telling me that she’s furious with me. She said I was very insensitive to her miscarriage by announcing my pregnancy, and said I should have ran it by her first. I replied explaining that I never meant to be insensitive, I was just excited, and I thought she wouldn’t mind as she’s always encouraged me to talk about my pregnancy. She then said that I am insensitive and told me that she doesn’t want me to talk about my pregnancy around her at all anymore, and also doesn’t approve of me posting anything about my pregnancy online. She said if I feel the need to post in future, I should run it by her first. She then finished by saying that our friend group all agrees that I’m insensitive. None of my friends have told me they’re glad my scan went well or have congratulated me on becoming pregnant. This makes me feel like my best friend is right and I just feel terrible.

I haven’t replied as I just don’t know what to say. I’ve been sobbing on and off all day with guilt. Am I insensitive? Should I have asked her if I was ok to post my pregnancy announcement? I just really don’t know how to handle this

Dont forget..d on't post anything on social media as some people don't have social media so that's wrong of you! 😬😬

I've lost several pregnancies. Your friend is behaving terribly and is utterly unreasonable.

19 months - just over a year and a half - is not that long a time to be trying to conceive. Lots of people try for a lot longer than that and don’t succeed. Describing it as “fertility struggles” seems a bit OTT to me.

No there is no justification for the way she is acting, I would leave it for a while and if she wants to get in touch fine if not then I would leave it

congratulations on your pregnancy.
speak to your friendship group about how you feel op
enjoy your pregnancy

@NC2409

Your friend is behaving badly with her demands, and as pp have said, I think she was hoping for bad news from your scan. If so, that’s appalling.

Talk to your other friends, make it clear that she was encouraging you to talk about your pregnancy and share updates, as they may be thinking that the first she had heard of it was your Instagram announcement. Maybe share screenshots of her texts asking you about your pregnancy. If they all cut you off or get funny with you then they are not genuine friends. They may also want to think about how she may treat them if they become pregnant.

The only thing I would’ve done differently is when she texted to see if the scan had gone okay, I would’ve said ‘yes all was fine thanks’. I probably would not have said ‘really well’. A minor point though. I would’ve probably said at that point that I’m about to announce the scan on Instagram just to give her some warning.

But you certainly do not deserve the reaction you have had OP. You are allowed to celebrate and enjoy your pregnancy and have been sensitive up to now. Congratulations!

That's what you've taken from this? Finding a way to join the 'friend' in having a go at op?

It sounds like your friend had a second trimester loss? That must have been devastating and it's understandable that she's not being rational, especially if you've announced at around the gestation of her loss. I do think a heads up about your announcement would have been kind.

Your friends are BU to take against you. It doesn't sound like any of them have criticised you to your face? I suspect they've made sympathetic noises to your friend and are just lying low waiting for it to blow over.

Oh and I fully agree that announcements on social media are the norm, but I thought posting scan photos was not the done thing because so many people find them upsetting.

Huh????? I find it hard to believe that you (and some other commenters) have somehow missed alllll the pregnancy announcements, there are so many! And some really creative ones too. "Coming soon" and eviction notices posted on cots for older siblings and gender reveals... I consider those (along with the other milestones - engagements, weddings, new homes, passed driving tests etc) as the whole point of social media. I'm genuinely curious, what DO you see on your social media?

OP you did nothing wrong, you do not need permission to enjoy and share your life, congratulations and hang in there, your friend will surely come round. I would be sensitive but I wouldn't pander to her. Let her be and be open when she realises

Loads of people post pregnancy announcements online

OP your friend is grieving but that shouldn't stop you being happy after the trouble you have had. Maybe just give her some time

I supported a friend with infertility issues who had suffered a recent miscarraige and telling her I had fallen pregnant was really hard. She was so supportive and wanted to hear about the pregnancy. I didn't ever announce on social media because seeing what she had gone through highlighted to me that it might be difficult for her but also that I had no idea what others may be going through. My friend eould never have expected me not to, it was my choice. That said, engaging with social media is a choice and people have to be responsible for their own mental wellbeing and could consider switching off from it if they are finding the content of other people's lives triggering. When my friend eventually fell pregnant again and got her 12 week scan, she posted the scan picture and announced her pregnancy on social media.

She's being extremely unreasonable.

If you can see yourself being friends in future, I would respond to explain:

1. I am very sad that you are struggling so much and that this is difficult for you

2. You've really upset me

3. Going forward I'm not going to ask your permission to enjoy or share my pregnancy with other people and I make no apology for this

4. I'll be here for you as a friend when you are ready but in the meantime I'm not willing to receive unkind comments from you because they are very upsetting

Another option would be to just ignore / block her but that might be difficult to come back from in terms of your friendship as you are bound to feel resentful if you haven't had your say.

Don't feel guilty or responsible if she sabotages her social life, you have no control over her actions and she's being so irrational there may nothing to appease her short of pretending you aren't pregnant anyway (which you can't do, your welfare matters too).

Yanbu

sounds to me that she wants to be the on,y one who knows and is now upset it’s been taken away from her

you may have to be careful around her, and maybe the others are trying to be sensitive to her, but crack on posting

she cannot dictate what others do as she had a miscarriage, tough as it is.

Congratulations and keep being yourself, you’ve done nothing wrong, she is acting strange and needs time to grieve.

She’s trying to control your pregnancy bc she has no control over her own. It’s quite sad really. How much do you want to save this friendship? Will it impact negatively on your own wellbeing

You followed her lead and handled your pregnancy incredibly sensitively. She asked about your scan so you were right to reply and did nothing wrong. You also have a right to share your pregnancy news online and it’s completely unreasonable and controlling of her to expect you to run your potential posts past her. She has to take some responsibility for using social media if she is going to be triggered. If it wasn’t you it would have been someone else posting. When she fell pregnant was she incredibly sensitive given her knowledge of your fertility difficulties? Would she have accepted you denying her posting about her pregnancy had she not had a miscarriage? If the answer is no then I’d be looking to cut her from your life. You might also need to consider your other friends responses and whether they are truly friends.
I hope this hasn’t robbed too much of the joy about your pregnancy. Congratulations 🥰

On the point about "everyone in the group" feeling this way-if it is her saying this that may actually not be the case. They may just be being polite and trying to be sensitive when she moans rather than actively feeling that way themselves.

Our GP gave us a diagnosis of unexplained infertility and put us on a waiting list for fertility treatment. I’m only going off what medical professionals told us

What the fuck is wrong with you??

OP, don't waste your energy on insensitive prats like this one. You're not required to justify anything. I would give some distance to your friend and wait to see if she wants to get in touch in future (and think about if her behaviour is forgivable to you). Don't let thus overshadow such happy news for you - focus on the people who want to celebrate this with you and enjoy every minute!

She's being an arsehole. I'd be really really upset at her being aware of the pregnancy the whole time, bringing it up, texting me about the scans, asking for updates, and then acting like I've done something wrong by announcing it more widely. (I personally never announced my pregnancies online but I'm surprised at the PPs who say they've never seen anyone do it).

I've had miscarriages, and they're awful. They're not a licence to act like this though. I think she's been really cruel to support you and then flip it. You told her you were pregnant before the miscarriage, and after the miscarriage she could have said she didn't want to discuss your pregnancy.

I know we can only make assumptions but it sounds like she wasn’t expecting/wanting to hear your scan went really well and I think that is unforgivable.

I thought the same.

OP could you answer the questions about the gestation of your friend's loss? I'm of the view that 3 months out from a second trimester loss following a successful dating scan she gets to be as unreasonable as she wants. I suspect your friends feel the same.

So soon after such a big loss I think all of our group would still be reeling tbh and the more I think of it the more I think it was a bit insensitive to post a scan picture without as much as a heads up.

So everyone gets to be horrible and dismissive of op? And she has to meekly accept the nastiness?
Fuck a 'friendship' group like that.
@ColleenDonaghy so if this woman's unreasonable views include her stating op cannot talk about or mention her pregnancy to anyone, can't have a baby shower, mustn't announce the birth, shouldn't actually go out and about visibly pregnant or with her newborn she needs to follow her instructions?