Is this a reasonable response

[NC2409]

I’ll try and keep this as short as possible.

I’ve just entered my second trimester of pregnancy after 19 months of trying. During this time, my husband and I went through multiple fertility tests and were diagnosed with unexplained infertility. To finally fall pregnant naturally was a shock to say the least.

My best friend of 12 years very sadly had a miscarriage in November just days after I told her I was pregnant (she knew of our fertility struggles so I told her the very second I had my positive test). I was really supportive of her during this time and throughout this, she constantly reassured me that she wanted me to talk about my pregnancy with her as she knew how hard my journey was. I had early private scans that she always asked to see and she always celebrated me. I haven’t been bringing it up to her - we only talk about it when she brings it up so it’s on her terms. Throughout her pregnancy, I always ensured to be supportive of her too and I never let my own struggles get in the way of that.

Things were great between us, up until yesterday. I had a scan with the NHS and it went really well. I got to hear baby’s heartbeat and I sobbed because this is everything I’ve dreamed of. My best friend texted me before the scan to wish me good luck, and texted me immediately after to ask how it went. I told her it went really well. She read my text straight away and didn’t respond. I texted her to ask if she was ok and again, she didn’t respond. I asked other friends to discreetly check in and she told them all that she was fine.

Later that evening, my husband and I decided to announce our pregnancy via Instagram.

This morning, my best friend texted me telling me that she’s furious with me. She said I was very insensitive to her miscarriage by announcing my pregnancy, and said I should have ran it by her first. I replied explaining that I never meant to be insensitive, I was just excited, and I thought she wouldn’t mind as she’s always encouraged me to talk about my pregnancy. She then said that I am insensitive and told me that she doesn’t want me to talk about my pregnancy around her at all anymore, and also doesn’t approve of me posting anything about my pregnancy online. She said if I feel the need to post in future, I should run it by her first. She then finished by saying that our friend group all agrees that I’m insensitive. None of my friends have told me they’re glad my scan went well or have congratulated me on becoming pregnant. This makes me feel like my best friend is right and I just feel terrible.

I haven’t replied as I just don’t know what to say. I’ve been sobbing on and off all day with guilt. Am I insensitive? Should I have asked her if I was ok to post my pregnancy announcement? I just really don’t know how to handle this

Everyone I know announces their pregnancy online, often with a scan picture. It's completely normal in todays social media world.

You've made a lot of effort to be sensitive to her loss, allowing her to take the lead in asking you first. No way should you be running things past her first before announcing/posting anything else. As others have said, ask her to mute you, or exclude her from the audience you're posting to.

My guess is that others from your friend group have told her what she wants to hear, if they said anything at all, so don't fret about that.

How far along was your friend when she miscarried? Was it her first pregnancy? I'd leave her be and give her a bit of time. I don't know what she was expecting, but you having a successful 12 week scan has probably driven home that this pregnancy is real and happening. She needs time to adjust and come to terms with it.

Congratulations on the pregnancy OP. I hope it continues to go smoothly and you will welcome a healthy baby into your family.

I think she has tried very hard to be supportive, but is deeply distressed

Normal to post an announcement online.

It sounds like she was half hoping your scan would be bad news. When it turned out to be fine, she got nasty.

You've no idea what she's told your friends. For all you know she could have said you've been rubbing her face in it against her wishes, so contact your friends and tell them what's actually been happening.

And don't let her ruin your joy x

Congratulations on your pregnancy, OP.

I am assuming you are using Social Media to post about your pregnancy? you could politely suggest to friend that she unfollow/unsub/unfriend/mute you.

or you could post to a restricted list of contacts - just leave her off. If anyone says anything to you about you being insensitive, just tell them if they don't want to see them, they don't have to look.

You use your own SM exactly how you want to.

I know we can only make assumptions but it sounds like she wasn’t expecting/wanting to hear your scan went really well and I think that is unforgivable.

I agree with this. She was hoping it would be bad news and it wasn’t.

Id also check what she’s been telling friends about you. I’d take a break from this friendship

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I’ve seen lots of pregnancy announcements on social media - it’s quite common nowadays.

You don’t need your friend’s permission to post about your good news. You are not beholden to her. Don’t let her dictate what you can and can’t do.

Enjoy the pregnancy and the excitement that the next few months will bring. If it means stepping back from the friendship, then so be it. You’ve been kind and considerate to her, so don’t feel guilty. You’ve done nothing wrong.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, it’s such a journey to get there and an emotional roller coaster too. I cried when I heard the heartbeat as I was so relieved.

Your friend is grieving but she’s still being unreasonable. I guess she wasn’t ready to hear that your scan went well and is processing her loss.
It’s best to have some time apart. You’ve been a good friend and you’ve let her take the lead with things. She needs her space to heal and you need your space to celebrate.

Please also don’t feel bad about publicly posting your pregnancy! You shouldn’t need to run it past anyone! I’m confused by the people who are saying they’ve never seen it before, I’ve seen loads of baby announcements and have posted my own too.

I think this is awful. She is bullying you over your pregnancy...especially if she's got others on board with this. Is she particularly influential in the group?

Ignore the posters on here pretending they’ve never seen anyone announce pregnancy on social media before - they are lying. Even if they’ve not seen it they will have heard about it on here and seen celebrity announcements etc because it’s normal.

You haven’t done anything wrong and your friend sounds awful to be honest OP. Enjoy your pregnancy

But was happy to post about her own pregnancy online?

You've done absolutely nothing wrong OP. Please talk to your other friends. It is bonkers to suggest you should run by her what you post.

Congratulations and please ignore her histrionics and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy.

Hate to say it but I thought she might be hoping for bad news too. Hope I'm wrong.

Huge congratulations on your pregnancy and your soon to be baby. Your best friend is in the wrong here and I imagine that she's probably struggling. This doesn't make her behaviour justified. Your other friends encouraging her sound like a waste of space when they should be able to see things more clearly. That or they are afraid to tell your friend that she's behaving appallingly.

I think leave your friend to her own devices. You and your partner have every right to celebrate. She's clearly going through some sort of mental health crisis. Don't not share things on the basis that she might not like it. Don't let her bully you into feeling bad.

It's a bit off to think that... people always share pregnancy announcements, I've seen them on Instagram, Facebook, TikTok... do you live under a rock? 😅

I agree with this. She must be feeling some grief and I get that but to allow that to affect any kind of happy feelings for you is really sad. You're supposed to be best friends, after all

This is not a friend.

Congrats, and hope the rest of your pregnancy goes well @NC2409

I think the thing is with a scan on the Internet is that it's a recognisable slam in your face announcement. I don't know why people post them. I would have just put something simpler like baby xyz due June 2024 or whatever. And yes I would have given her a heads up by text. No idea why your friends are so angry though.

I suffered with fertility issues for years, never had a miscarriage but my best friend had several. She never behaved like yours is when I announced I was pregnant.

I would be kind to your friend as she is grieving but you don't have to hide your light because of her or ask permission to post on social media. How completely ridiculous!

Congratulations @NC2409 hope it all goes well for you!

So many women have losses, me included. Was I sad when I saw pregnant ladies? Absolutely I was but I didn't let my sadness impact on their happiness. Congratulations op.

Leave her to her devices. It's overwhelmed her that your pregnancy is carrying on successfully where she wasn't as fortunate.

You most definitely do not have to run what you post to social media past her. Who does she think she is?

I would carry on with the plans you have with the rest of the group.
Let them know (if you need to set up a new WhatsApp group without her in it, just to have a chat without her being privy to the contents, then do that) that you never meant to upset her and you are now very upset yourself at how something that she has said up to this point was allowed to be discussed and now is off limits. Something that should be bringing you lots of joy is having the opposite effect.

I think you were very kind asking others to check in on her and her reaction is very OTT. I'd even consider contacting her partner/husband saying that you are very concerned because her actions are so out of kilter with her normal behaviour and you wanted to let them know.

I think you should share your thoughts with your group openly and explain how you feel and that no harm was meant. You deserve to be happy too! Congratulations. Don't let this ruin your special time

And again the friend 'plastered' her own announcement?

I don't know why you're on about plastering I can't see where that's mentioned.

I think its best not to put scan photos on social media as they are an image announcement. Just a message is fine.