Is this a reasonable response

[NC2409]

I’ll try and keep this as short as possible.

I’ve just entered my second trimester of pregnancy after 19 months of trying. During this time, my husband and I went through multiple fertility tests and were diagnosed with unexplained infertility. To finally fall pregnant naturally was a shock to say the least.

My best friend of 12 years very sadly had a miscarriage in November just days after I told her I was pregnant (she knew of our fertility struggles so I told her the very second I had my positive test). I was really supportive of her during this time and throughout this, she constantly reassured me that she wanted me to talk about my pregnancy with her as she knew how hard my journey was. I had early private scans that she always asked to see and she always celebrated me. I haven’t been bringing it up to her - we only talk about it when she brings it up so it’s on her terms. Throughout her pregnancy, I always ensured to be supportive of her too and I never let my own struggles get in the way of that.

Things were great between us, up until yesterday. I had a scan with the NHS and it went really well. I got to hear baby’s heartbeat and I sobbed because this is everything I’ve dreamed of. My best friend texted me before the scan to wish me good luck, and texted me immediately after to ask how it went. I told her it went really well. She read my text straight away and didn’t respond. I texted her to ask if she was ok and again, she didn’t respond. I asked other friends to discreetly check in and she told them all that she was fine.

Later that evening, my husband and I decided to announce our pregnancy via Instagram.

This morning, my best friend texted me telling me that she’s furious with me. She said I was very insensitive to her miscarriage by announcing my pregnancy, and said I should have ran it by her first. I replied explaining that I never meant to be insensitive, I was just excited, and I thought she wouldn’t mind as she’s always encouraged me to talk about my pregnancy. She then said that I am insensitive and told me that she doesn’t want me to talk about my pregnancy around her at all anymore, and also doesn’t approve of me posting anything about my pregnancy online. She said if I feel the need to post in future, I should run it by her first. She then finished by saying that our friend group all agrees that I’m insensitive. None of my friends have told me they’re glad my scan went well or have congratulated me on becoming pregnant. This makes me feel like my best friend is right and I just feel terrible.

I haven’t replied as I just don’t know what to say. I’ve been sobbing on and off all day with guilt. Am I insensitive? Should I have asked her if I was ok to post my pregnancy announcement? I just really don’t know how to handle this

This, and if they are so in thrall to her that not only are they too afraid to publicly congratulate you, that they won't even privately message you, then they are an absolute shit show!

She didn’t misunderstand. You’ve been a little like OPs friend really, you’ve been through an awful experience and so you think it’s ok to be unkind to OP whose struggle is far lesser than yours. It wasn’t even relevant to the thread. If your fertility tests were more than 10
years ago that’s probably why your experience of diagnosis is different to OPs. Sorry for your struggle but just like OPs friend, that doesn’t mean it’s right to be unkind.

Ok, you and @TravelDazzle do have a point. I apologise to the OP, I shouldn’t have posted on this thread at all.

I'm thinking along the same lines here although could be barking up the wrong tree.
Just seems notable than none of the group posted a like or a congratulations on the Instagram announcement.

Adults who think and act independently don't behave like that. Friends who value a genuine connection with us don't ignore our lifechanging events.

I wouldn't personally post my pregnancy online but it is quite common! I have seen many posts.

I had a few miscarriages but was always happy for my friends when they announced that they were pregnant.

It does hurt but a true friend would be happy for you.

Congratulations.

So because of waiting times/delays where we are, I paid to have private scans throughout my first trimester until I could have my NHS dating scan, which is the one I referred to in my first post.
My friend had a private scan at 7 weeks which went really well, and she chose to post this and publicly announce from this point as she felt she was safe to do so. It was her first pregnancy and she was really excited so no judgement on how early she chose to announce.
When she had her dating scan with the NHS, she was 14 weeks pregnant, so already in the second trimester. A lot of people count the second trimester from 13 weeks. At her dating scan, she was told that there was no heartbeat, and that her baby unfortunately stopped growing at around 8 weeks. It was a missed miscarriage as she had no symptoms of losing her baby. She naturally passed the baby a couple of days later. This all took place in November

Apologies, I don’t think I saw your question as I’ve only been scanning through up to now. She does have a lot of influence in the group, yes. By this I mean she usually organises things and is the one everyone tends to go to

Ah ok that changes things, very different to a loss after the dating scan. I had the same thing and it's shit but also very normal.

It sounds like the results of your scan triggered something in her around her miscarriage - none of which is anybodys fault.

She obviously can't control what you do/don't post though. I wouldn't post anything else about your pregnancy in any groups she is in for now and just give her space.

Can you contact some of the other friends for a chat/meetup so you stay in contact with them? Id also concentrate on other people you can share and celebrate your good news with outside that friendship group.

My friends were all told I was pregnant before the NHS scan. I had messages in the group chat which we’re all in to wish me good luck before the NHS scan. I replied saying thank you.
After the scan, I didn’t want to make the group chat about pregnancy, so I messaged my friends individually to say it went well but none of them have replied.
I explained to them that I thought our other friend wouldn’t mind because of how supportive she’s been and because of how much she’s encouraged me to talk about it (which they’re all witnesses to). Again, none of them have replied.

They’ve now organised a boozy brunch for next weekend in the group chat and have said there’s no alcohol free options for me to be able to attend. These plans have been discussed in the group chat this morning, though were not initiated by my best friend. This is how I know everyone has seen my messages but just haven’t replied.

I just feel a bit isolated because I’ve always congratulated them, attended their baby showers, etc, and never once showed any upset. Now it’s finally my turn and it’s been discovered that things are going well, I’ve had no ‘congratulations’ from any of them.

I’m just a bit baffled by the sudden U-turn of everyone being supportive and wanting me to share, to suddenly acting like it isn’t happening

Crikey @NC2409 sorry your friends are behaving like this, pushing you out so soon, what a horrible bunch, to not even contact you individually when you made individual contact. Sorry sounds like your 'best friend ' really isn't, if she can ruin this for you and if the rest of the group are going along with her they aren't your friends either. Hope you meet new, better, friends on your pregnancy journey

Poor you. Looks like you've been scapegoated by 'friend' and the others have elected to protect their own standing in the group and side with her.
She has used this emotive subject to justify bullying you out.

It may come as a surprise to people but not everyone who has miscarried is nice or decent. It's not an excuse.

In my experience social groups do not side with who they agree with or like the most but who offers them the most in terms of social status.

Good friends do not come in a handy multi-pack.

I'm sorry your friends are so shit.

I've never heard of anywhere that doesn't have any alcohol free options. I'm 100% sure the venue would have water plus lemonade & coke etc as mixers.

I know it's hard to lose friends, but they are not good friends OP.

I would leave the group chat and let the friendships slide. Nothing is to be gained by having such spiteful friends.

So one minute she was all right and the next minute she’s not? Hate to say this and I could be wide of the mark but I think she was secretly wondering if your pregnancy may not go to term and now that you’ve announced it to everyone it’s become a bit too “real” for her. Everyone now knows and she’s feeling a lot of envy. That’s how I see it xx

Fuck that's a bit brutal about the lunch.

I stand by my pp that these 'friends' are shits. This planned boozy brunch sounds calculated to either shut you out, or provoke a reaction that they can innocently use to make out you're the unreasonable mean one!

This is such a sad thread. I'm so sorry this horrible mean girls gang are casting such a shadow over your pregnancy, OP.
My DS2 was stillborn and we had so much support from family and friends, so many people were genuinely so gutted for us.
When we realised that our family and friends were going out of their way to hide births and new pregnancies from us in the few months after DS was born, we made it known that their happiness should be shared with us, just as our grief was shared with them. That's what it is to truly care about a person IMHO.
Other people's babies have no bearing on what happened to our DS, and there is nothing which could now add to our pain. Especially not the joy of the people we care about most.

I just feel a bit isolated because I’ve always congratulated them, attended their baby showers, etc, and never once showed any upset. Now it’s finally my turn and it’s been discovered that things are going well, I’ve had no ‘congratulations’ from any of them.

They are not friends. And it depends on your personality, but for me this would be the time to start, with no fuss or announcements, to slowly withdraw from the group. They are behaving like cunts here. Absolute fuckers.

If any of them contact you and ask why you're quiet - tell them what you told us in the bold part. Then just leave it. I'm sorry that what should be a happy time for you is bringing out the arsehole behaviour of a bunch of twats.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

I think there are two different issues here. One is her forbidding you to talk about your pregnancy. That is U of her, especially as she'd up till then encouraged you to do so, but given her circumstances, I might cut her some slack over this.

The other issue is her apparently bitching about you to your mutual friends and trying to influence them against you. THAT, as far as I'm concerned, is pretty unforgivable of her. It's also not great of them to allow themselves to be influenced,

Exactly this. I’m sorry you’re experiencing this OP, these people are not your friends.

I would look into joining a NCT group near you so that you can meet some other mums you can share this journey with. NCT can be a source of lifelong friends.

Wow.
That does seem like they're being harsh.
I'm sorry you're facing this.
I can't see that you've done anything wrong though.

Your 'friend' sounds like an absolute dick, as do the rest of them.

Congrats on your pregnancy :)

You've been very kind in keeping everything discreet, she's still struggling to accept her loss and till now she's put on a brave face, and kept it together. Now it's very real, so she is facing a lot of emotions she can't cope with. She wants to control how you communicate through social media, so that she can soften the blow. I understand that you are worried about your friend,and don't want to lose her, but you are not responsible for her, she will suck the joy out of this happy time,that you should buy rights be basking in. The other friends are just mean girls, who are enjoying the drama. Back away for now, Enjoy your pregnancy, you have every right to be proud and happy