Is this a reasonable response

[NC2409]

I’ll try and keep this as short as possible.

I’ve just entered my second trimester of pregnancy after 19 months of trying. During this time, my husband and I went through multiple fertility tests and were diagnosed with unexplained infertility. To finally fall pregnant naturally was a shock to say the least.

My best friend of 12 years very sadly had a miscarriage in November just days after I told her I was pregnant (she knew of our fertility struggles so I told her the very second I had my positive test). I was really supportive of her during this time and throughout this, she constantly reassured me that she wanted me to talk about my pregnancy with her as she knew how hard my journey was. I had early private scans that she always asked to see and she always celebrated me. I haven’t been bringing it up to her - we only talk about it when she brings it up so it’s on her terms. Throughout her pregnancy, I always ensured to be supportive of her too and I never let my own struggles get in the way of that.

Things were great between us, up until yesterday. I had a scan with the NHS and it went really well. I got to hear baby’s heartbeat and I sobbed because this is everything I’ve dreamed of. My best friend texted me before the scan to wish me good luck, and texted me immediately after to ask how it went. I told her it went really well. She read my text straight away and didn’t respond. I texted her to ask if she was ok and again, she didn’t respond. I asked other friends to discreetly check in and she told them all that she was fine.

Later that evening, my husband and I decided to announce our pregnancy via Instagram.

This morning, my best friend texted me telling me that she’s furious with me. She said I was very insensitive to her miscarriage by announcing my pregnancy, and said I should have ran it by her first. I replied explaining that I never meant to be insensitive, I was just excited, and I thought she wouldn’t mind as she’s always encouraged me to talk about my pregnancy. She then said that I am insensitive and told me that she doesn’t want me to talk about my pregnancy around her at all anymore, and also doesn’t approve of me posting anything about my pregnancy online. She said if I feel the need to post in future, I should run it by her first. She then finished by saying that our friend group all agrees that I’m insensitive. None of my friends have told me they’re glad my scan went well or have congratulated me on becoming pregnant. This makes me feel like my best friend is right and I just feel terrible.

I haven’t replied as I just don’t know what to say. I’ve been sobbing on and off all day with guilt. Am I insensitive? Should I have asked her if I was ok to post my pregnancy announcement? I just really don’t know how to handle this

I agree with you @MyGooseisTotallyLoose .

OP hasn't done a single thing wrong.
Awful behaviour from the friend.

I don't think anyone apart from the bereaved friend has been horrible and dismissive to OP though? Sounds like the rest of the group are just keeping their heads down which is understandable. It's rotten all round really.

No, she still wouldn’t get to decide what OP can post on social media and when. She’s not in a relationship with OP.

The rest of the group should not be 'keeping their heads down' - in these circumstances OP has every right to expect them to be happy for her.

I asked earlier in the thread if 'friend' has a lot of in fluence within the group. OP never replied but I'm still curious to know.

Keeping their heads down by basically ignoring OP is horrible, she hasn’t done anything wrong.

I'm sure OP said none of her other friends have congratulated her - that's pretty horrible.

Have you spoken to the other friends? I'm confused by their reactions.
Maybe they are under the impression that this was how your friend found out. That would be insensitive but of course, isn't at all true.

My first thought was that she was waiting for bad news too but upon reflection I wonder if she was desperately trying to be supportive as it was difficult for you but now it's 'OK' it's real and she'll have to deal with you having what she doesn't. She's not behaving well but it is devastating to have a miscarriage. I would cool things with her and suggest she mute you on social media.

Of course she wouldn't get to decide anything. But if she had a late loss three months ago then personally I would be cutting her a little slack and making allowances for her unreasonableness. Which I suspect is the view of the wider group - she's being unfair but they get why.

I've never had a pregnancy loss past the first trimester, but I have had a devastating bereavement and I was far from my best or most rational three months out. It sounds like this woman had a successful dating scan and announced her seemingly healthy pregnancy only to lose the baby, that's horrific.

@ColleenDonaghy you said she gets to be as unreasonable as she wants. I suspect your friends feel the same.
So basically you agree that the horrible behaviour is okay, and you and your friendship group would go along with this horrible behaviour and support it.

She is being manipulative and awful and frankly - she should be dealing better with her loss by now and I say that as someone who has had 6 miscarriages!

Enjoy and celebrate your pregnancy. Make clear to your friends that you had discussed this with her multiple times and that she is attention-seeking and sadly be prepared to lose this friend.

What happened to resilience?! No one should show scan photos now incase people find them triggering or upsetting? Thats insane!

Don't be ridiculous. That's not what I said and you know it.

I suspect there is no collusion in the wider group about not contacting OP, they've just done it as individuals and unfortunately with all of them doing the same the silence is deafening to OP.

As a friend of both I would think it insensitive to post a scan pic on social media so soon after a friend's late miscarriage though I think. It wouldn't happen in my group (but we're not big social media users anyway).

You said she gets to be unreasonable as she wants, which is wrong. My middle baby was stillborn at 35 weeks and pregnancy announcements were awful, and still are, but did I police my best friends pregnancy and be as unreasonable as I wanted? No. Because it’s not ok. It may have been forgivable but OP hasn’t done anything wrong, she’s tried her best to be sensitive and is being punished anyway. She’s just a woman trying to have a baby and enjoy it whilst trying not to upset her friend. It’s not a competition of who deserves to be the most unreasonable

Just saying what I feel. Of course it’s wonderful that OP is now pregnant and I wish her all the best with that. But perfectly healthy people can take as long as the OP did to conceive naturally. I don’t know if her GP did any tests to arrive at a diagnosis of unexplained infertility, I didn’t get mine until we’d been referred to gynae outpatients for basic tests.

I've never suffered with infertility and was lucky enough to only have one miscarriage so it's not something I'm bothered by, but I've seen many many women say that they find scan photos much more difficult than other forms of pregnancy announcement. I thought that was being more widely understood and so announcements tend to be a bit more sensitive these days - I don't see many scan photos on my feed these days whereas it used to be the norm.

@ColleenDonaghy you said she gets to be as unreasonable as she wants and I suspect your friends feel the same if this isn't condoning the horrible behaviour what is?

I try to make allowances for my loved ones' behaviour when they're going through hell, yes. I may not agree with their actions (and I don't agree with the friend, of course OP is free to post what she likes) but I fully understand why someone in the depths of grief may not be rational.

That's a nice story. Your post was still incredibly twatty.

She says in the OP she had multiple fertility tests done. Of course healthy people can take that long to conceive, but it’s longer than average and a stressful journey to go on. She had fertility struggles. Why do people just want to be unkind to the OP on this thread?

She is behaving badly and I would back off from her on the meantime. Having a miscarriage doesn’t entitle you to behave like this; I’ve have two miscarriages and then had friends pregnant around me - it’s hard but you need to be mature and not a bitch.

If you don’t hear from these other friends in about a week then I would contact them. If they react like your best friend has then these people are not your friends. If they are receptive to you, then I would explain that best friend knew of your pregnancy, was encouraging you to talk about it and then has turned on you once you’ve announced it publicly. She may have spun them a story that this is the first she’s heard of it. Maybe show them a couple of her texts showing how positive she was.

I’d be willing to bet that best friend is the Queen Bee of your friendship group and the rest of them are toeing the line as they are scared to offend her.

Friend is U.

If other friends haven’t congratulated you and / or are suggesting you’ve been U by announcing your pregnancy on social media in a single post, they are U too.

I think you misunderstood my post. To clarify, I didn’t mean I got pregnant after getting a diagnosis of unexplained infertility. I didn’t get my diagnosis of unexplained infertility from my GP, all he said was that we had tried long enough and referred us to gynae outpatients for tests. The results of those tests was unexplained infertility. We were referred on for treatment and had 10 years of IVF sadly with no result.

I didn't misunderstand anything. Again - your post was still incredibly twatty (and had no relevance to the OP at all )

Congratulations!
I'm so sorry that this has put a cloud over everything - you don't sound insensitive to me at all.
Probably no comfort at the moment, but you will make new friends once baby is here.
Best wishes x

It is a bit odd to post about your pregnancy online. I have never known anyone do that.

Umm, what, really? It's completely the norm these days ... and I say that as someone with a very scant social media presence.