Best friend only wants to catch up with me (childfree) at kid-oriented venues

[PlaygroundSusie]

Hi all - I’m childfree, so I hope it’s ok for me to post here. But I’d really appreciate some advice/perspective from parents.

My best friend and I are both 38. Met at uni. She has two children, DS aged 7 and a DD aged 3. She and her kids come as a package deal. She chooses not to socialise without them. This is because (as she’s explained) she wants to cherish every moment while they are still young. She works part-time and her kids are in loads of activities, so family time is vitally important to her.

I respect her decision and understand her kids are her top priority. I am also fond of her children and enjoy seeing them. The problem arises in where we meet. My friend never wants to stop at home. She always wants to catch up at very child-friendly venues. Usually playgrounds, but sometimes places like petting zoos, children's museums, festivals aimed at pre-schoolers, etc.

This means her kids are usually excitable, and easily distracted, and tend to race around a lot. Or they need help navigating the slide, or want to be pushed on the swings, etc. About 80% of my time is usually spent watching or helping my friend parent her children, and only 20% is us actually catching up and having a proper conversation.

On the very rare occasions we meet at her house, it’s much better. The split is more like 50/50. I happily interact with her children for a bit, but then they drift off to their toys, backyard, etc, and my friend and I chat. But unfortunately, my friend and her kids get bored at home, and prefer to get out of the house. Cafes are occasionally an option if it’s raining, or too hot, but otherwise they want the playground or some other place specifically designed for kids.

At the risk of sounding horrible, I’m tired of always catching up at child-oriented venues. I’ve been doing this for years, and there seems to be no end in sight. I’ve reached my limit. We’re catching up this weekend, and I suggested meeting at a café in a park (I figured we could maybe have coffee then go for a walk afterward). Her response was: “DS7 and DD3 would prefer to meet you at the playground. So, the playground it is – LOL!” Again, I appreciate her children come first, but I did find this a bit frustrating. Shouldn’t the grown-ups get to choose the venue?

AIBU? Is there a polite way I could tell her I’m sick of always meeting at child-oriented venues, and that I’d vastly prefer to simply catch-up at her house or a café? Any other suggestions? I feel like such an awful friend for feeling this way!

Jk8 (and those who have said similar), you could be on to something there. I think my friend sees it as a win-win situation: she and the kids get to escape the house for a bit; she gets an extra pair of hands to help with the kids; the kids get an additional person to interact with, and she and I get to see each other (in a manner of speaking!). Her time is limited, so she probably thinks she's killing two birds with one stone.

If it were a matter of her and I chatting from the sidelines as her children run around, it would be fine. But my friend tends to follow after them, so we're mostly actively engaging with the kids. (To be fair, I've noticed all parents seem to do this. No one sits on the benches anymore! Plus, her youngest still has a tendency to run off in random directions, which means one of us has to chase her.)

LOL! We've been best mates for 20 years, and have a lot of history. We've travelled together, commiserated over break-ups and dating, had some big nights out in our twenties, etc. She's a great friend in many respects - very generous with gifts, and she always offers to drive/pay if we go somewhere like the petting zoo, or kiddie museum, etc.

Your friend seems to have forgotten how to be an off duty grown up!

"she always offers to drive/pay if we go somewhere like the petting zoo, or kiddie museum, etc."

This isn't really generous on her part as you wouldn't choose to go to a petting zoo unless she was bringing her kids with her. You could visit a park for free, and it's what you would prefer to do!

She is only thinking of herself, doesn’t consider your needs or feelings at all. This isn’t her kids needs either as they don’t need her to be there when they are asleep! It’s all about her.

selfish friends are bad friends.

I sympathise, OP. She is being very self-centred and you would be perfectly justified in saying something.

It sounds like she has lost who she is when she is not actively mothering. It is much more common than many want to admit and MN is pretty scathing towards it. I don’t mind admitting that I was a bit like this for the first year or so of my DC1’s life. Keeping it going for seven years is more extreme but the longer she goes without adult social contact of her own the harder she is going to find it later. Within the next three or four years her eldest will need her much less and when she comes out of the other side she is likely to feel quite rudderless while she remembers the parts of her life that used to exist independently of her children. She will likely want to rekindle the friendship then but I don’t think anyone would blame you for not waiting around.

Probably just be upfront. I don't understand her always wanting to be with her kids, it sounds a bit unhealthy! Sometimes I have to do this, but I try not to, mine is 2.5 and its so distracting trying to have a decent conversation and be relaxed while also having to watch your kids, especially of she's choosing to not be at home (where at least you can relax a bit more). She sounds quite selfish. Can you meet for dinner once the kids are asleep?

OP has explained why dinner once the kids are asleep wouldn’t work - the friend has her evening meal at 5pm with the kids. She sounds unbelievably rigid and inflexible as well as very selfish!

Sorry I missed this. I'd probably give the friendship a miss. Like any relationship both people have to make an effort. As a mum myself, I'd hate if I had a friend who always had their kid with them! I'm a SAHM so it's not easy for me to have free time, but I still make an effort for my friends. She must be boring as hell

But also she could have wine and dessert, there are options if she could be bothered and prioritised the friendship. Catching up after the kids are asleep is the best as you can access properly relax for once

Apparently she gave up alcohol when she became a Mum because mums shouldn't drink.

Op, she sounds very ridgid and controlling. Friendship is give and take. She ys paying your way because you are basically a babysitter to help her.

I think you need a frank discussion.

I'm also curious how her dh feels about this all.

Good God, mums need to drink to get through their day! 🤣 I agree, if everything is on her terms, she sounds like a crappy friend. Sorry I obviously didn't RTFT.

Lol for real!

I don't normally recommend alcohol, but she really sounds like she could use a drink.

Reminds me of Patsy in AB FAB describing a friend of Eddie's as being so anal retentive she couldn't sit down for fear of sucking up the furniture.

This comment very much reflects my view. Friend will be over-invested in her children’s lives and will be utterly lost when they leave home. She’s building up a whole lot of problems for herself.

I agree with this comment too, however it is with understanding. Many of us (me included) have been a bit like this as mothers for periods, albeit she's an extreme version. So personally I'd go into a frank conversation with this in mind. I'd say it's beyond unreasonable not to at least do a mixture of without the kids and with the kids. What about lunch, or an early dinner? The DH can sort kids' dinner and bedtime. I personally think it's absolutely fine that she doesn't drink, that's her choice and shouldn't be criticised. There are loads of delicious alcohol free options in nice places these days. It's the lack of give and take that's the problem. Do you have any other friends in common?

That sounds awful! I’ve got 2 kids and I’d never inflict that set up on a child free friend!

You need to take control and invite her to stuff you want to do and decline her counter offer.

So you say, "I'm going to the pub on Saturday night, would you like to come?" Then counter her decline with "I'd live to see the kids but I'm still going to the pub, let's plan a kid day soon"

Sorry OP but she sounds even odder from your updates.

I don’t drink alcohol, and left to my own devices, I eat dinner by six and am in bed by nine.

However, this doesn’t prevent me from going out with friends for meals, drinks, theatre, cinema in the evening with my friends sometimes. The type of liquid you have in your glass is irrelevant! She should be able to have a bloody cereal bar at five and eat out at 7 every now and then surely?

There is something quite strange about all this…

Just read the update…..

What is the history here?

Difficulties with conception, traumatic birth, mental health difficulties?

What’s happened with her??

It sounds like she's lost her own identity now that she is a mum. As for not wanting to leave her children ever, maybe she's worried the kids won't miss her if she goes out alone, and that somehow her purpose is diminished as a result.

How will she cope when the kids get old enough to not want to tag along with her everywhere?

From your updates it sadly sounds that she’s slightly unhinged

it’s a totally normal thing as a parent to enjoy time away from your kids. It’s difficult when they are very small but pretty much every parent I know relishes the occasional opportunity to enjoy adult only company.

Anyway I think just need to be upfront with her

”Sorry Jane I love seeing you but as lovely as they are, it’s very difficult to catch up properly when the kids are around. Can I come and see you when the kids are in bed sometime? Or we could go out!”

you say she wouldn’t be up for this. But don’t say if you’ve actually asked her. If she says no I’d be cooling off the relationship tbh.

A frank talk with your friend may not be the answer Op. She's completely sunk herself into being a DM and she doesn't want to consider childfree outings, you're more likely to annoy her and get the "you're not a DM so you don't understand" answer. I'd wouldn't cut her off but see her once a month to keep your friendship ticking over. Once the kids are at school you could see if anything changes

God, I couldn't cope with this at all, the whole set up just excludes anything else from her life but her kids.

From what you said I don't really think talking to her will change anything but I still think you should tell her how you feel.