Best friend only wants to catch up with me (childfree) at kid-oriented venues

[PlaygroundSusie]

Hi all - I’m childfree, so I hope it’s ok for me to post here. But I’d really appreciate some advice/perspective from parents.

My best friend and I are both 38. Met at uni. She has two children, DS aged 7 and a DD aged 3. She and her kids come as a package deal. She chooses not to socialise without them. This is because (as she’s explained) she wants to cherish every moment while they are still young. She works part-time and her kids are in loads of activities, so family time is vitally important to her.

I respect her decision and understand her kids are her top priority. I am also fond of her children and enjoy seeing them. The problem arises in where we meet. My friend never wants to stop at home. She always wants to catch up at very child-friendly venues. Usually playgrounds, but sometimes places like petting zoos, children's museums, festivals aimed at pre-schoolers, etc.

This means her kids are usually excitable, and easily distracted, and tend to race around a lot. Or they need help navigating the slide, or want to be pushed on the swings, etc. About 80% of my time is usually spent watching or helping my friend parent her children, and only 20% is us actually catching up and having a proper conversation.

On the very rare occasions we meet at her house, it’s much better. The split is more like 50/50. I happily interact with her children for a bit, but then they drift off to their toys, backyard, etc, and my friend and I chat. But unfortunately, my friend and her kids get bored at home, and prefer to get out of the house. Cafes are occasionally an option if it’s raining, or too hot, but otherwise they want the playground or some other place specifically designed for kids.

At the risk of sounding horrible, I’m tired of always catching up at child-oriented venues. I’ve been doing this for years, and there seems to be no end in sight. I’ve reached my limit. We’re catching up this weekend, and I suggested meeting at a café in a park (I figured we could maybe have coffee then go for a walk afterward). Her response was: “DS7 and DD3 would prefer to meet you at the playground. So, the playground it is – LOL!” Again, I appreciate her children come first, but I did find this a bit frustrating. Shouldn’t the grown-ups get to choose the venue?

AIBU? Is there a polite way I could tell her I’m sick of always meeting at child-oriented venues, and that I’d vastly prefer to simply catch-up at her house or a café? Any other suggestions? I feel like such an awful friend for feeling this way!

Why can’t you meet up once the kids are in bed?
otherwise, just step back for a bit… tell her it’s ok, you are going to give this weekend a miss as they are off to the playground. Let me know when it is good to meet up at your house, or for dinner sometimes, so that you can have some grown up catch up time.

Well I have 4 young kids but my god I’d as soon catch up with my best friend in a tube station than the ZOO. Good god she needs to get out more.
idea - buy a couple of colouring books or similar depending on the kids age, and invite them over. You get your friend in the kitchen with coffee or wine and the kids can sit next door and colour in and watch peppa pig or whatever is age appropriate

I was - for various reasons - a bit like the OP’s friend. But the flip side of that was that I was enormously grateful to those friends who would still make time to spend with me with my kids in tow. And so those meet ups would inevitably be in a restaurant (with a kids’ menu) where
we could chat. That sort of thing. A playground? No way. I wouldn’t suggest that any more than they’d have suggested meeting in a nightclub.

Plus -‘the time the friend who was most indulgent of my kids said to me “Wimpole - I haven’t seen you on your own for ages and would like to take you out to dinner just the two of us”, I made sure that happened and my DH had the kids. Because respect/tolerance whatever goes both ways…..

Can I ask you @PlaygroundSusie if you've ever turned down her suggestions of meeting at kid-centric locations?

Something like "Oh, I'd rather not meet at the soft play/playground/wherever. Any chance of meeting in Y location instead?"

I can't see any reference to it in any of your posts.

Perhaps you simply need to start turning down her suggestions of where to meet. Something like "Ah no, that doesn't suit me" and see what else she suggests.

I confess I have not read the entire thread and I am sorry. Forgive me?

I am really sympathetic with the OP, but I think we need a little more context, and I see that OP has not been back to provide it. Really sorry if this is going over old ground.

So, OP, I totally get your frustration and I would be the same in your place. But does your friend have an alternative? When she has two DCs physically with her, they have to take priority, especially if they are demanding. But could you find time to meet up with her in the week, when they are at school or in childcare?

Or is that inconvenient for you? Quid pro quo.

You don't explain your friend's home life situation, which is fair enough as it is private, but is there a husband or boyfriend who could look after the kids for an hour, or is your friend dealing with this all on her own? In which case, she needs a Wonder Woman badge and a bit more sympathy.......

Sorry if this has already been covered and I have missed it.

Your response to her is then as follows

”Hi best friend- annoyingly I have to help dear aunt/mum/dad/neighbour during the day on Saturday. Will be SO ready for a glass of wine afterwards! I’ll bring the wine and snacks- see you at yours, say 8:30pm? CAN’T WAIT!!”

Absolutely no way I would continue the current setup. Set boundaries- you don’t have to accept this. As much as you like her kids, you’re HER friend, not theirs, and certainly not her babysitter.

"I'm afraid the playground doesn't work for me. We don't get chance to chat properly when we meet at places like that When I visit you it's much more relaxing and the kids don't need us so much, so we get to talk"

But given that it is worth asserting what you want.

You have my sympathy. Difficult people are …….difficult.

Spot on …

Could you suggest going to see her at home for a glass of wine fter the children have gone to bed?

Unless she is a single parent why can’t she leave their Dad in charge while the kids are in bed and meet you in the evening? Like a proper grown up?

YANBU your friend is being selfish. Even if you alternated between having kids there and not that would be something, to make you do those things every time is a nightmare. And I know this as I am constantly having to race around after my own children and not get to see my friends. I'd just tell her straight - I don't really feel we get to talk much when we go to kid friendly places and sometimes I'd like to go to adult environments (e.g. for drinks), though I love seeing the kids. Can we [stay at home more/alternate so sometimes kids aren't there/go to places that suit us all].'

You should reply with "Well, I would prefer to meet you at the cafe. So, the playground it is – LOL!"

Tell her you'll meet them half an hour later than originally planned in the cafe, so the kids can tire themselves out in the playground first.

I would get fed up with this. I have a 20 month old and for me personally it’s so important to have alone time to catch up with friends even though it’s not often at all, or if I see friends who don’t have kids to go for coffee and a walk or something if my husband can’t have her for an hour or two.

Say something, if she’s a real friend she’ll understand and compromise; youve compromised enough.

Also I’ve been the child free friend before having kids going to soft plays with friends who had kids and I bloody hated it as they understandably always have an eye on their children so it’s hard to have a conversation.

I’m going to go out on a limb and assume she’s not a single parent or OP would have stated as such but even of my assumption is wrong and is she is a lone parent with no support from the father her actions still don’t merit any sympathy.

I’ve had a couple of friends who were unable to get childcare for various reasons but they wouldn’t necessarily insist we go to soft play every time. They could come to my house, I could go to their house or go out to eat. There are other options.

I think what a few people are failing to understand is OP didn’t say she needs to see her without the kids, although I’m sure that would be nice too. But what she actually said was she had an issue with always meeting in child centric venues and the friend acting as if the kids should always get the final say on where they meet which is completely absurd.

It won't last forever, obviously. Could you invite her round your house and subtly have a babysitter aka 'my mate who happens to be there' (Obviously you employed them!)- then they can befriend the kids and play with them while you chat with your mate? It will cost you a few quid but might be worth it, she might realise she likes this person so much she employs them as her own babysitter at home? Wishful thinking maybe. I can't think of how else to get her away from the children.

Some of the latest posts suggest people really haven't read the OP first post at all.

Quite
OP could come back with ‘come back to me when you actually want to ‘cherish time’ with your so-called friends’

It won't last forever, obviously. Could you invite her round your house and subtly have a babysitter aka 'my mate who happens to be there' (Obviously you employed them!)- then they can befriend the kids and play with them while you chat with your mate? It will cost you a few quid but might be worth it, she might realise she likes this person so much she employs them as her own babysitter at home? Wishful thinking maybe. I can't think of how else to get her away from the children.

Childfree people please do NOT do this. Ugh this sets a terrible precedent for what we are expected to do.

If you want to babysit for your friend that’s fine - I’ve done so for my single parent friends so they could go out, but as a child free person you should not be paying for and arranging childcare in order to see your friend.

That is absolutely ridiculous, expensive and completely unnecessary in the OP’s case where she’s quite happy to see the kids in her /their home , it’s just she doesn’t want
to be in a child centric venue all the time.

I agree with PP it’s like some of the recent posters have made up their own scenario and didn’t read the OP at all.

I kinda understand your friend and I understand why this could be frustrating. What I don't understand is why you've not mentioned your dissatisfaction properly or suggested alternatives.
Presumably her children sleep. Is there a reason why you can't visit her in the evening? Or could she leave the children with their dad/babysitter and come out occasionally?
If she doesn't want fo do any socialising without her kids then the balls in your court. No need to fall out, just invite her places and let her decline. Then when she suggests an activity day no that doesn't work for me, maybe we could xyz. Eventually things will fizzle out or you'll see less of each other but enjoy quality time.

Yes to all of this.

It could last another 13 years given she has a 3 year old (who'll be itching to shake off their clingy mother as a teenager). I don't think she is going to change and will merely be angry if you challenge her. I think I'd just drop the friendship. She sounds very self-centred.

Hi all, thanks for your replies. It's a relief to know the consensus so far is that I'm not being unreasonable!

Many of you have suggested I go around to her place in the evening while the kids are asleep, for dinner and/or wine. I doubt that would work, for a few reasons.

Firstly, my best friend likes to go to bed early (like 9pm). She often says how knackered she is in the evenings, and how she prefers just staying in and watching Netflix with her DH for an hour or so. Secondly, she and her kids eat dinner early (5pm), so I doubt she'd be up for a second meal later. Thirdly, she gave up alcohol when she became a parent (because she reckons it's bad for mums to drink, or something). So wine is totally out of the question.

For all of the above reasons, asking her for a ladies-only night at the pub (or what have you) also wouldn't work. There is also an additional reason, in that she wouldn't want to leave her kids. She has only left them once at night, and that was when she had to attend a work function. She spend the entire Uber ride texting me about how she wished she didn't have to attend, and how sad she felt about being away from her kids.

Finally, many of you asked whether she has a DH who could look after the kids. The answer is yes, she has a husband who could mind them. But the point is, she doesn't WANT to leave her kids at home. She feels much happier and complete when they're with her. As a friend, I feel it's not my place to force her to do anything which would make her feel sad or uncomfortable.

I have tried. I've said things like: "Why don't I come around to your place this time?" But she counters with: "[Kid-friendly venue] is better, as the kids can run around and explore."

Maybe I need to be more direct?

Sorry, why are you friends with this woman….??