Best friend only wants to catch up with me (childfree) at kid-oriented venues

[PlaygroundSusie]

Hi all - I’m childfree, so I hope it’s ok for me to post here. But I’d really appreciate some advice/perspective from parents.

My best friend and I are both 38. Met at uni. She has two children, DS aged 7 and a DD aged 3. She and her kids come as a package deal. She chooses not to socialise without them. This is because (as she’s explained) she wants to cherish every moment while they are still young. She works part-time and her kids are in loads of activities, so family time is vitally important to her.

I respect her decision and understand her kids are her top priority. I am also fond of her children and enjoy seeing them. The problem arises in where we meet. My friend never wants to stop at home. She always wants to catch up at very child-friendly venues. Usually playgrounds, but sometimes places like petting zoos, children's museums, festivals aimed at pre-schoolers, etc.

This means her kids are usually excitable, and easily distracted, and tend to race around a lot. Or they need help navigating the slide, or want to be pushed on the swings, etc. About 80% of my time is usually spent watching or helping my friend parent her children, and only 20% is us actually catching up and having a proper conversation.

On the very rare occasions we meet at her house, it’s much better. The split is more like 50/50. I happily interact with her children for a bit, but then they drift off to their toys, backyard, etc, and my friend and I chat. But unfortunately, my friend and her kids get bored at home, and prefer to get out of the house. Cafes are occasionally an option if it’s raining, or too hot, but otherwise they want the playground or some other place specifically designed for kids.

At the risk of sounding horrible, I’m tired of always catching up at child-oriented venues. I’ve been doing this for years, and there seems to be no end in sight. I’ve reached my limit. We’re catching up this weekend, and I suggested meeting at a café in a park (I figured we could maybe have coffee then go for a walk afterward). Her response was: “DS7 and DD3 would prefer to meet you at the playground. So, the playground it is – LOL!” Again, I appreciate her children come first, but I did find this a bit frustrating. Shouldn’t the grown-ups get to choose the venue?

AIBU? Is there a polite way I could tell her I’m sick of always meeting at child-oriented venues, and that I’d vastly prefer to simply catch-up at her house or a café? Any other suggestions? I feel like such an awful friend for feeling this way!

Having read your updates OP, she really does want everything on her terms! She wants to be stuck to the kids like glue every minute of the day, and go to bed at 9pm, and eat dinner at 5pm, and never go out in the evening. It's like she's turned into a 3 year old herself!

You're a saint to have put up with this for 7 years. Shes being incredibly selfish and unreasonable

This. She sounds boring AF OP!

Suspect it's more of a cover for a partner who isn't pulling his weight.

Or perhaps he’s not being allowed to pull his weight because OP’s friend insists on doing all the child related stuff because she doesn’t want to miss a single moment of it.

I'm surprised her marriage is surviving, 7 years and never anytime away from their kids. That's suffocating.

@NaughtybutNice77

how can you understand her friend?!

I hate these “ cherish every moment” Mums. You’re allowed to be yourself too and no, every minute is not worth cherishing

YANBU @PlaygroundSusie that would drive me mad, I hate these playgrounds with my own kids

shes given up drinking, she eats dinner at 5pm, bed at 9pm, won’t go anywhere without the kids…what a fun life 😬

Eh it does sound U but the answer may be that you don't socialise with her at all otherwise. Unfortunately this is how I am at the moment - 2 kids, no socialising.

She sounds like a bit of a loser tbf

Just text her saying "I'd like to catch up just us 2, text me when you next have a free evening ' and leave it at that

In fact having read your updates I am v similar to your friend - I go to bed at 9, am teetotal, try to eat with kids at 5, and my husband and I haven't managed child-free socialising. Our kids are younger- 5 and 1. We also work full time, me in quite an intense job which often means I have to work late/weekends, which is why we prioritise being with the children when possible. For us, socialising has just fallen by the wayside. We are too exhausted to keep up with it, and have never successfully managed to introduce a babysitter at bedtime. I have the odd lunch date childfree but that's it. It sounds horrible but I wouldn't be willing to give up a day with my kids as I don't get to spend enough time with them as it is. I'm not endorsing this lifestyle but I 100% get it.

'It sounds horrible but I wouldn't be willing to give up a day with my kids as I don't get to spend enough time with them as it is'

Would you be willing to give up half a day or a couple of hours every few months to see a friend? If not, are you hoping that all these friends will just be waiting for you when your kids are older?

No, I've fallen out of touch with all but my close friends. Who I arrange occasional lunch dates with as I said.

@hydriotaphia

what about the kids father? Why can’t he look after them while you socialise?

This seems to be one of those friendships where you get dumped when someone better comes along. the "someone better" is her kids. You will never get back the relationship you had. It's just a fond memory now. time to move on.

@hydriotaphia

did you become tee total when you became a parent like OP’s mate?

Well he can and does but he already does the lion's share of housework/childcare so I like to be home when I can. I don't go out in the evenings at the moment as I breastfeed my youngest every night. Which suits me as a way to connect before anyone tells me to stop...

Yes I stopped drinking due to pregnancy and then breastfeeding and never started again.

I mean this very kindly having been where you are but you both need to try and find a way to have a strong coffee and see your friends on the odd occasion. Otherwise you will come out of the other side of early parenting with a diminished sense of self to find that your former friends have moved on.

I am not under any illusions that I will keep up any of my old friendships except those that I have been actively maintaining (ie with close friends). TBH I have a very strong sense of self through my career and see a lot less of my children than most mums I know (most of whom are SAHPs or work PT/reduced hours). I do feel that it's easy to criticise working mothers for getting it wrong, but I personally am comfortable that I will not regret prioritising career progression and a relationship with my kids over socialising. I don't think men who are ambitious get them same level of criticism tbh. However, I appreciate this may apply less to the OP's friend who works PT herself.

No criticism from me. Like I said, my thoughts are kindly meant from a place of experience.

Well I know what it feels like to want to prioritise stuff that's important to me and choose that over different options. In this case it's her children. Of course I don't know how she feels, we can only apply that to ourselves but I have empathy, intelligence and imagination so 'l kinda know'.

Apologies if someone else had mentioned this, but could her DH be controlling? Maybe she's not allowed out to see friends or to have friends over so seeing you with the children is her only option to maintain your friendship. I may be way off the mark but those were the vibes I was getting.

@hydriotaphia

you matter too!
take some time to see your friends so that when your kids are older you haven’t lost them all! Go for a cocktails, mocktails, whatever with them.
you matter too!

I did also say ‘both’ as this applies equally
to both parents.