Best friend only wants to catch up with me (childfree) at kid-oriented venues

[PlaygroundSusie]

Hi all - I’m childfree, so I hope it’s ok for me to post here. But I’d really appreciate some advice/perspective from parents.

My best friend and I are both 38. Met at uni. She has two children, DS aged 7 and a DD aged 3. She and her kids come as a package deal. She chooses not to socialise without them. This is because (as she’s explained) she wants to cherish every moment while they are still young. She works part-time and her kids are in loads of activities, so family time is vitally important to her.

I respect her decision and understand her kids are her top priority. I am also fond of her children and enjoy seeing them. The problem arises in where we meet. My friend never wants to stop at home. She always wants to catch up at very child-friendly venues. Usually playgrounds, but sometimes places like petting zoos, children's museums, festivals aimed at pre-schoolers, etc.

This means her kids are usually excitable, and easily distracted, and tend to race around a lot. Or they need help navigating the slide, or want to be pushed on the swings, etc. About 80% of my time is usually spent watching or helping my friend parent her children, and only 20% is us actually catching up and having a proper conversation.

On the very rare occasions we meet at her house, it’s much better. The split is more like 50/50. I happily interact with her children for a bit, but then they drift off to their toys, backyard, etc, and my friend and I chat. But unfortunately, my friend and her kids get bored at home, and prefer to get out of the house. Cafes are occasionally an option if it’s raining, or too hot, but otherwise they want the playground or some other place specifically designed for kids.

At the risk of sounding horrible, I’m tired of always catching up at child-oriented venues. I’ve been doing this for years, and there seems to be no end in sight. I’ve reached my limit. We’re catching up this weekend, and I suggested meeting at a café in a park (I figured we could maybe have coffee then go for a walk afterward). Her response was: “DS7 and DD3 would prefer to meet you at the playground. So, the playground it is – LOL!” Again, I appreciate her children come first, but I did find this a bit frustrating. Shouldn’t the grown-ups get to choose the venue?

AIBU? Is there a polite way I could tell her I’m sick of always meeting at child-oriented venues, and that I’d vastly prefer to simply catch-up at her house or a café? Any other suggestions? I feel like such an awful friend for feeling this way!

Also luckily I'm not friends with any parent who does this whole "can't miss a moment with them" thing. I've always chosen friends carefully!

OP I am childfree

I did a lot of this because it seems unacceptable to say "can we meet just two of us". I couldn't ever bring myself to say it and a couple of times I suggested meeting in a nice bar in the evening, and just got "can we go to the restaurant so the kids will be able to come".

I am now years down the line and friends with children just got more deeply into it and I now haven't seen them for a few years so have written it off.

I understand family life is busy and stressful etc.

But I really wish I'd made more of an effort to make childfree friends. I thought all this would pass and I looked after my friend's daughter a lot when her dad walked out, so I thought there was mutual value in hanging with the kids as well.

I nearly posted about this (there's a lot more in my head) on the childfree section section here but it got renamed "MNers without children" and I didn't want to offend/upset anyone.

I might have been unlucky but it didn't get better. It's always child oriented places or their homes - they openly said they were worried about the kids maybe breaking something at my flat, or getting bored and needing to run around (not possible in my flat).

So I understand, it's really hard to ask and to be honest, I doubt it will be well received. Frankly I regret the amount of effort I put in with these friends.

Can't you meet somewhere like a pub with a soft play or cafe like IKEA? That would drive me mad too going to playgrounds.

Is she like this with everyone? I have two kids and wouldn’t do this at all. You’re very understanding!

I’m sorry this is awful! I have a few child free friends and I deliberately meet up with them without the kids (that’s when my husband or mum takes them!) also it’s sad they don’t want to catch up and talk just them. it sounds like they weren’t the right kind of people tbh.

Can’t you suggest dinner one evening, once the kids are in bed? That way she’s not missing out on her “precious” time.

I dont have kids. When I visit friends who do, there is usually a competition between the parents to see who gets to have do something with me away from the kids! I think your friend is being really odd.

YANBU

I only know one woman like this and she had thirteen devastating miscarriages before finally having her PFB so I cut her some slack when she explained she never went out without her DC. I still thought she was living an unbalanced life.

I would invite her out for drinks and dinner in the evening. If she declines, I would probably put the friendship on ice for a while.

Just meet with her after bedtime - at hers for a takeaway or drinks or out at a pub.

This is what I do with my child free friends the majority of the time - I look forward to it too!

YANBU, I’m childfree and while my friends with kids occasionally ask me to attend an event at a child orientated place like soft play or a kids theme park they don’t pretend it’s a normal catch up. It’s very much “hey swizzlers, my kid is having a celebration, we’d love if you could come OR, I want to go to this place and my partner can’t make it. I could do with some help with the kids. Could you join us? “

But your friend is being sneaky about it.

As a godmother and “aunty” to multiple kids I’m more than happy to sometimes go to parks and zoos etc to help out or join in the fun or whatever lol and sometimes I’ve even suggested venues like this.

However, the vast majority of the time we meet at their house where their kids have all their toys etc and Sky tv or we meet at my house and if their bored their kids make do with my Netflix kids shows and children’s book that I have in my house. Or we might go out to eat.

majority of my friends with kids also have decent partners so they do get child free time anyway, and so we do childfree meet ups too.

I totally appreciate some people don’t get much childfree time, for various reasons, but that doesn’t mean you need to go to a kids playground when you both have homes to hang out in and your friend know this fine well. She sounds either very inconsiderate or a bit of a user.

This.

I'd go for option 1 also.

I have a child and I would not be up for this at all, OP. First of all, I've always sustained child-free time with friends (and they're all mums as well, also happy to have time out in an evening from time to time!) however I can also say that it is nearly impossible to socialise when out with someone who has their young child/ren with them. It's a game of stealing a few words here and there and you can never properly catch up.

My response to that text would be "aw wow I'm not feeling the playground today, have fun!" Bonus points for fitting an irritating LOL in there as well.

Shit! Friend has found your thread @PlaygroundSusie

😂😂 I think so @Bluenotgreen

@PlaygroundSusie perhaps go back and read the post properly ? It’s very clear OP didn’t even say she wanted to only meet without the children. Her issue was specifically the child-oriented venues, she is happy enough to meet with her friend’s kids present at homes and cafes.

Is there a polite way I could tell her I’m sick of always meeting at child-oriented venues, and that I’d vastly prefer to simply catch-up at her house or a café?

The only person being selfish is the OP’s friend and anyone who thinks it’s acceptable for two people to always have to hang out in child orientated venues when one of the two meeting up is child free and has expressed a desire to meet in other places.

Having thought about it some more I think you need to say "Actually, I've done a lot of kid-centric meet ups. Why don't I bring a bottle of wine around to yours and we can catch up when the kids are in bed? We could get a cheeky takeaway delivered too if you like?"

Try to move the meet ups to a more adult - adult footing.

She is being a selfish twat

My best friends all have similar aged children to mine but we make an effort to meet up without children as we need that time together just us grown ups! Would suggest an evening meet....

That sounds crazy. I cherish my time with my kids too. But they go to bed? At 3 and 7 surely she or her partner if she's got one can put them to bed and then she goes out for dinner or drinks with you. It doesn't sound healthy for her at all.

It’s selfish of her to expect you to enjoy these meeting places, surely she can leave her kids with her husband for a couple of hours every once in a while and just go to lunch with you on your own so that you can have a proper conversation.

Morhers who are obsessed with their kids are boring to spend time with if you don’t have kids.

Not sure what you could say to her though

I think part of the problem is that this has become the norm as you've been doing it for so long. Its great shows what a good friend you are and sounds like it's time for her to return the favour.

Definitely ask to meet somewhere else/or meet up just you two.

@EmmaEmerald I'm also childfree and also sadly recognise what you've written. Please do feel free to post more about it on our board.

This would piss me off.

I'd reply, "Ok, how about you take them to the playground first, then meet me in the cafe at Xpm after? Or text me when you get back and I can pop round yours instead"

If she says about meeting them in the playground, just say you don't fancy it.

This really would drain me, I have two children and never dragged childless friends to playgrounds or child-centred venues/events. We met in cafes or at one of our houses. She's being unreasonable to expect you to have to put up with this.

Haven't RTFT. Has anyone mentioned grandmothers who do this? I've known two & neither is a friend any more. They would turn up at what was supposed to be an adult event or catch-up with a small grandchild in tow - time after time. So bl!!dy irritating.

If the kids do lots of activities, can you meet up during one if the place has a café too? That would be an hour uninterrupted chat opportunity and she would need to go anyway, so you're still doing her a favour.

Me too! I've got children similar age to the OPs friend.

I try to 'cherish' (ha!) my time with them too as they're in school full time now.

But my time socialising with my friends is my own time. I don't get much of it, so I also cherish THAT. I don't want my friends to bring their children, I don't want to bring mine and I certainly don't want to go to a bloody playground or play centre. No thanks!

We do dinner and drinks, adults only.