Best friend only wants to catch up with me (childfree) at kid-oriented venues

[PlaygroundSusie]

Hi all - I’m childfree, so I hope it’s ok for me to post here. But I’d really appreciate some advice/perspective from parents.

My best friend and I are both 38. Met at uni. She has two children, DS aged 7 and a DD aged 3. She and her kids come as a package deal. She chooses not to socialise without them. This is because (as she’s explained) she wants to cherish every moment while they are still young. She works part-time and her kids are in loads of activities, so family time is vitally important to her.

I respect her decision and understand her kids are her top priority. I am also fond of her children and enjoy seeing them. The problem arises in where we meet. My friend never wants to stop at home. She always wants to catch up at very child-friendly venues. Usually playgrounds, but sometimes places like petting zoos, children's museums, festivals aimed at pre-schoolers, etc.

This means her kids are usually excitable, and easily distracted, and tend to race around a lot. Or they need help navigating the slide, or want to be pushed on the swings, etc. About 80% of my time is usually spent watching or helping my friend parent her children, and only 20% is us actually catching up and having a proper conversation.

On the very rare occasions we meet at her house, it’s much better. The split is more like 50/50. I happily interact with her children for a bit, but then they drift off to their toys, backyard, etc, and my friend and I chat. But unfortunately, my friend and her kids get bored at home, and prefer to get out of the house. Cafes are occasionally an option if it’s raining, or too hot, but otherwise they want the playground or some other place specifically designed for kids.

At the risk of sounding horrible, I’m tired of always catching up at child-oriented venues. I’ve been doing this for years, and there seems to be no end in sight. I’ve reached my limit. We’re catching up this weekend, and I suggested meeting at a café in a park (I figured we could maybe have coffee then go for a walk afterward). Her response was: “DS7 and DD3 would prefer to meet you at the playground. So, the playground it is – LOL!” Again, I appreciate her children come first, but I did find this a bit frustrating. Shouldn’t the grown-ups get to choose the venue?

AIBU? Is there a polite way I could tell her I’m sick of always meeting at child-oriented venues, and that I’d vastly prefer to simply catch-up at her house or a café? Any other suggestions? I feel like such an awful friend for feeling this way!

Wow I admire your loyalty. A child bore who doesn’t drink won’t socialise in adult venues goes to bed at 9pm and voluntarily spends her life in playgrounds is my idea of a nightmare friend. Amazed you’ve stuck around.

Has she not figured out yet that young children is just a stage that ends? She seems to have made it her whole personality. She’s going to struggle.

I ditched a friend because of this, her whole personality got consumed by her child to the point her profile picture was just of the child, that's when I knew the metamorphosis was finally complete and I gave up on her

I think this is totally selfish behaviour, I have children and would never have expected my friends to want to hang around my children and do kid stuff

Doesn't work on a Samsung. Unless you know a way??

@Justfinking I have a Samsung & this feature works for me/has worked for ages

You sound really lovely and a great friend. I’m not sure many people would have put up with this one sided arrangement for so long. Your friend also has a responsibility towards you and your friendship, but seems unwilling to give you time or consideration. You don’t have children but that doesn’t make you less worthy! Just say, could we have a quiet coffee as I’m needing to chill a bit. If she suggests a play park just decline and leave the ball in her court. Would the kids not like some time with dad or other friends??

I feel sorry for your friend tbh OP - she'll look round in 6-10 years when her kids are teenagers & much more independent & realise she has few good friends left & her kids have a better social life than she does. Children can suck all the life out of a person if allowed. Unless her kids are up at 5 am every day going to bed every night at 9 pm is also crazy unless she has a medical condition. She's going to massively struggle during the perimenopause! I have a good Uni friend I've know for 30 years who now has terminal cancer. Life is far too short to spend time with self-centered, boring friends who are rigid & inflexible. See her occasionally I guess & crack on with living your best life and having tons of fun without her.

If you’re on the mobile site it should work.

Her children would prefer to meet you at the play park?

I’m sorry but she’s the adult she should decide where she is going. Not being dictated by her kids!

you’re a better friend than I. I’ve told my friends with kids I have absolutely no interest in meeting up with them and their kids together. And they’ve fully respected that.

don’t get me wrong, I’ll pop round for a bit of lunch sometimes. But if we’re going out there’s no way I’m going with kids in tow. I want to see my friends not their kids.

I thought it was a compromise because on this outing, we took it in turns to do what the other wanted. I wanted to go to a cafe, so we did. She and her kids wanted to go to the playground, and we did. We spent equal time at both places.

Can't believe some of the responses from mothers on here!

No, adults don't get to pick the venue and kids just have to suck it up. It's their childhood, for you it's just an average day.

If you want to see your friend without her kids then ask for that, ask to meet in the evening and let dad or someone else look after the kids.
You can't expect children to sit bored so that you, a 38 Yr old, can do what you want to do. It's not fair. Kids don't get joy out of sitting and having a coffee.

Tell your friend you want a child free catch up if this is how you feel. This is part and parcel of catching up with mums when theye got the kids with them. I bet your friend really looks forward to it.

Yes, we managed a fairly decent chat at the cafe. The playground less so, because her kids were distracted (and distracting!), running about, her DD still needed her assistance on the various bits of play equipment, etc. It's usually the way.

I do have other friends - both with and without kids. (The ones with kids definitely aren't this extreme!). But she just happens to be one of my best and oldest friends. So - not having kids myself - I wondered if there was something I'm missing, hence me starting this thread. :-)

I'm happily child free. I've let a lot of friends go when they were were living child-focussed lives. Of course the children have to come first — and it was also reasonable of me to feel that walking in parks with toddlers, child-minding at soft play or picking Lego out of my feet was no substitute for the stimulating adult activities and conversation that our friendship was based on. 10, 15, 20 years down the line, a surprising number of those women are back to adult-focussed life and we have picked up where we left off. It's sad for both you and your friend, but things have changed. Move on, find new friends and stay in touch with her so that she knows where to find you when she emerges from this stage of her life.

If you’re happy to OP I’d do what the above poster suggested and see less of her in this stage of her life but keep in touch so when her kids are gone beyond this stage you can hopefully resume adult meet-ups.

I feel sorry for her. Kids grow up so quickly and she should treasure it but if she makes it her whole world than she’ll be heartbroken when her kids naturally want to hang out with their peers.

I have suggested child-free catch-ups in the past. I've asked her: "How about we make it just us ladies this time?"

Her response has been along the lines of: "Sorry [my real name]. But wherever I go, my kids go." Then she's explained to me how she basically doesn't want to leave her children when they're still young, etc.

And yes, I do think my friend and her kids genuinely look forward to seeing me! But these kid friendly venues are getting to me. I totally get your point about cafes being boring for kids, but why do we always have to go to very kid-friendly venues? I'd be very happy to just meet at her house. But whenever I suggest that, the response is something like: "Oh no, it's much more fun to go someplace!" Or: "My kids would rather get out of the house and visit the playground." etc.

To add, I know you say your friend doesn't go out in the evening but you don't frequent playgrounds. Say to her you really need some adult time.
She doesn't have to eat with her family at 5pm. She can sit with them and have a coffee whilst they eat if needs be parents do it all the time.

If you're meeting in daytimes, you're being unreasonable but if you express your need for adult time and she won't oblige ever then she is too.
Sounds like your friend suffers really badly with mum guilt and old do with a chat.

She sounds a) mad, and b) boring. What’s she going to do with her life when they’re both at school? Hide behind a bush in the playground?

I think you are being very very reasonable OP. It sounds like your friend is a bit on the extreme end of the parenting spectrum. Some parents want to be with kids 24x7 and at opposite end some send kids off to boarding school and don’t see them for weeks on end. Most people are somewhere in the middle and would carve out some time to do stuff alone/ with partner/with friends while also carving out some time with just kids (often including 1:1 with each child). Obviously it’s fine for your friend to choose never to do things without the kids (though once youngest is in school maybe she may want to during day while they are both occupied) but it’s also fine for you to say no thank you to a meet up with the kids.
I personally think it also does kids no harm to have to spend some time doing stuff they enjoy a bit less. I sometimes met friends for a coffee in their lunch hour when mine were a toddler/baby and toddler just had to occupy herself doing a bit of colouring or a jigsaw or whatever for half an hour. I usually took 3-4 different activities as one thing only occupied her for 5-10 mins. I used to take both as babies to cinema or theatre sometimes and then out for dinner with us and they’d just sleep & feed in a sling. Maybe ask if their dad ever gets any nice 1:1 time with them and suggest he might enjoy that to see if that persuades her to come out without them for an hour

How come it's always the daytime? Is she a single parent....? If she is I'd suggest going to hers after bedtime with a takeaway and a bottle of wine. If not, her husband can stay home with the kids and you guys can go for dinner or a drink somewhere, or she can go to you. I feel like if you're catching up in the daytime, she probably will have the children (even at weekends I like to spend my days with them because they're at school all week). The other option is (if she has childcare options) to suggest a grown up day, like a spa day or a sports event or the cinema and lunch and phrase it as "some time off for you and some adult conversation" so she sees it as a treat. I feel like because you arrange a cafe in the park in the daytime, she's sort of assuming you want to see the kids as well and that youre specifically inviting them (we all assume people find our kids riveting) - so you might just need to phrase it as "something just us" or "let's do something as adults to give you some time off and a nice break"

I understand your friend wanting to cherish every moment with her children while they're still young, but she really needs to find a balance where she can enjoy some adult time with her friends (i.e. YOU!)
Family time is important to me and I LOVE spending time with my 2 year old DD, but I also appreciate time for me by going to the gym, going for a run or catching up with friends etc and letting my mum look after DD for a while.

Does your friend have support from her husband/partner or her children's grandparents? Could she get a babysitter now and again even.
Could you even meet up when the kids are at their clubs/activities?

I think your friend is making a mistake OP, as people have said her kids are going to grow up and lose interest in her, especially as she's making herself into a total bore, but you can't change her. It's one of those where I think you can still be friends but I wouldn't make her a priority.

Yanbu.
You don't have to agree to this you know.
I bloody wouldn't and I've got kids!
They're adults now but bloody hell, a coffee with a friend isn't too much to ask no matter how young they are (assuming you can get childcare which you say isn't an issue as she's married)

She's being very selfish actually. It's all about her. Her wants. Her needs.

But that's not friendship.

If she can't give - her time, her attention, etc ever because the entire universe is expected to revolve around her kids - then how good a friend is she?

What if you needed her? Really needed her. Your friend. Needed just to be able to talk to her. Have her support? What would you get? Sorry you're going through a hellish time but I can't spend an hour just giving you a hug and listening to you because my kids must be with me at all times?

Childhood is short yes. But it's not that bloody short that you can't spend a bit of time with other people and give as well as take.

If I were you I'd stop going along with this and start declining these playdates.

OP do you realise that you are blocking any comments and suggestions that MNers are making in the same way that your BFF is blocking any suggestions you make to her about where and how to meet?

You didn't go to a cafe - you sat outside with takeaway drinks. Presumably because she felt that was better for the kids.