Best friend only wants to catch up with me (childfree) at kid-oriented venues

[PlaygroundSusie]

Hi all - I’m childfree, so I hope it’s ok for me to post here. But I’d really appreciate some advice/perspective from parents.

My best friend and I are both 38. Met at uni. She has two children, DS aged 7 and a DD aged 3. She and her kids come as a package deal. She chooses not to socialise without them. This is because (as she’s explained) she wants to cherish every moment while they are still young. She works part-time and her kids are in loads of activities, so family time is vitally important to her.

I respect her decision and understand her kids are her top priority. I am also fond of her children and enjoy seeing them. The problem arises in where we meet. My friend never wants to stop at home. She always wants to catch up at very child-friendly venues. Usually playgrounds, but sometimes places like petting zoos, children's museums, festivals aimed at pre-schoolers, etc.

This means her kids are usually excitable, and easily distracted, and tend to race around a lot. Or they need help navigating the slide, or want to be pushed on the swings, etc. About 80% of my time is usually spent watching or helping my friend parent her children, and only 20% is us actually catching up and having a proper conversation.

On the very rare occasions we meet at her house, it’s much better. The split is more like 50/50. I happily interact with her children for a bit, but then they drift off to their toys, backyard, etc, and my friend and I chat. But unfortunately, my friend and her kids get bored at home, and prefer to get out of the house. Cafes are occasionally an option if it’s raining, or too hot, but otherwise they want the playground or some other place specifically designed for kids.

At the risk of sounding horrible, I’m tired of always catching up at child-oriented venues. I’ve been doing this for years, and there seems to be no end in sight. I’ve reached my limit. We’re catching up this weekend, and I suggested meeting at a café in a park (I figured we could maybe have coffee then go for a walk afterward). Her response was: “DS7 and DD3 would prefer to meet you at the playground. So, the playground it is – LOL!” Again, I appreciate her children come first, but I did find this a bit frustrating. Shouldn’t the grown-ups get to choose the venue?

AIBU? Is there a polite way I could tell her I’m sick of always meeting at child-oriented venues, and that I’d vastly prefer to simply catch-up at her house or a café? Any other suggestions? I feel like such an awful friend for feeling this way!

I think you need to be a bit more direct. I mean, it's not as if you're refusing to see her with the children in tow, you just want to go somewhere more suitable for actually having a catch up and a chat!
You've been friends for a long time, so talk to her!
I adore my children and I used to always want to spend time with them but I also needed to be 'me' sometimes and I wouldn't inflict the situations that your friend does on a childless friend! It sounds like she's lost her identity and is simply 'mum' now. That's not healthy really.

Maybe you're the only one left of her friends who still sees her - with the children? So I wouldn't break up, but as suggested, make a counter offer that's not too far away from her proposal. Thinking : an activity for the children, like an arts&crafts something (maybe painting easter eggs or such) where the adults can sit and wait with a drink - so not joining in the activity?

Why should OP have to put up with it because no one else will?! I have two children and craft workshops are things I endure because it makes them happy - I wouldn't put someone without children through them and realistically the children aren't just going to get on nicely with the crafts leaving the adults in peace!

@Hardbackwriter of course OP doesn't have to make up for the friends who ran, but I have the impression she really wants to stick with her friend with whome she goes back a long way? And about the workshops, arts&crafts, baking etc. for children : where I live (Belgium) we have them where parents can sit and relax or go to the nearby coffeehouse or whatever. Of course I was only suggesting : find an activity where you and the mom can be present but not actively involved 😊

@Sennelier1

it sounds like the mum does want herself and op to be actively involved with the children and whatever they are going when they meet up though.

So, I talked to my friend. I came at it from the perspective of: "Hey, I'm feeling very middle-aged these days, and the playgrounds are getting a bit much. I really need somewhere where we just can get a coffee fix and sit for a bit."

We ended up compromising. We decided upon a different cafe which had a playground next door. We got takeaway coffee / babycinos and sat outside for a bit (nice weather). Then we went to the playground so her children could run about and blow off some excess energy.

Reflecting on the advice given here, I decided not to be quite as helpful this time when it came to helping my friend look after her little ones. (Not sure whether my friend really noticed though!)

So, while not perfect, at least it was an improvement on our previous outings. Baby steps! (no pun intended).

It sounds like maybe your friendship has ended its reason for being.
Shes going to struggle massively when her kids are teens and even more so when they leave home.

Just want to say this is really insightful. :-)

Good god, how tedious of her. Though if her younger child is 3 and you can't meet up during school/preschool hours, I can understand why she can't just ditch them. That's sort of tough on her - but it doesn't last forever. The part where she actively chooses to spend every waking moment with them though - I couldn't stomach that! Don't most parents crave adult time and time away from their kids? Some people just have massive blinkers down about their own children and can't understand why friends don't feel exactly the same way about them.

I'd just tell her straight. Can't she come out in the evening and meet you at an adults only venue - pub, bar, cinema??

I have a couple of friends who, for (mostly) childcare reasons, are invariably accompanied by their young kids. I can't stand it. I get away from my own kids to meet one of my friends for 45 mins in a cafe - and there they are! They're usually a handful and usually interrupt, so you don't spend any sort of quality time with your friend and can't talk properly.

I have two children, the younger of whom has SEN, and I actively seek to find adult places where kids aren't. Not all the time, but my god it's lovely.

So, while not perfect, at least it was an improvement on our previous outings. Baby steps! (no pun intended).

Thats a slight improvement but if you live in the UK the weather is awful a lot of the time, so it would be good if she could commit to sitting inside a cafe even if just for an hour and then after going to a kids playground by herself if she wants.

I find it very odd that you always need to go along to these kid venues when you meet her, but perhaps she thinks she’s doing you a favour and would be rude not to invite you?
I think it’s more likely she’s just being selfish
though.

Maybe next time you can do cafe inside then decline the playground invite and let her go and do something with her kids herself afterwards? This means she can also fully focus on her kids which she seems to want so sounds like a win-win. And it sends a clear message out that you don’t really enjoy going along to these venues anymore.

Does she have a partner? Surely s/he can take the kids sometimes if so? Or meet up for a wine after kids bedtime?

Both of these points have been addressed by the OP.

You can see all OP’s posts easily by going to one of her posts and clicking on ‘see all’ in the bottom right corner.

It makes me a bit sad that you refer to this as 'a compromise' when, basically, you ended up doing exactly what she wanted again. Being honest, is that the dynamic between you for most things? She gets to choose and you just go along with what she wants? I've had friendships where that's how things have developed and once you start noticing you won't stop.

Eh, you went to the playground again? In February?

Can you be my friend? My DC are all grown up and I never talk about them!😁

Exactly.

There is precisely zero compromise from your ‘friend’ here.

@WhereYouLeftIt is right - you’re simply attending on her now. You’re no longer in a mutually beneficial friendship.

She is selfish and not thinking about your needs at all. When I went out with my childfree friends, I never brought up my kids as there are plenty of other interesting topics to talk about. Stop being such a doormat and put yourself first for a change. If she doesn’t compromise, then she is no good friend.

Agreed. Did you manage to have any proper conversation this time OP?

christ OP, you're a saint to be putting up with this! I have kids and would absolutely hate this!

My friends and I either go to each other's houses, go to somewhere like softplay, where the kids run off on their own, or get together in the evening (we also like early nights, so we let the dads do bedtimes and we meet for dinner around 7pm). I don't know any mum who behaves anything like your friend!

Hate to say it but she sounds insufferable. You are likely the only person who has stuck around to put up with this!

Reading your updates, she sounds such a prize bore.. Cant you find better friends? Not even child-free ones, there are plenty of mums who can stand to be away from their kids.

I have 2 yo, work very part time, my son is my life
but
most of the time I see my friends, I’m without him. I NEED friend time alone, without him, I need the adult chatter
you are not being unreasonable. Your friend needs to appreciate you don’t have children and would be nice just the two of you. It’s a bit weird..:: has she got a partner the children can be left with? If not, it would be difficult for her I guess

I’m knackered and happily go to bed early, I don’t drink as I tend to drive as up early the next day every day…. BUT I will go out and see friends in an evening and drink soft drinks and enjoy catching up with friends, I’d feel bad asking a child free friend to attend family activity places as for all I know they could be ttc or something sensitive.

maybe she’s stuck in a bubble, lightly yet firmly suggest you’d like to go somewhere different, a coffee bar in the evening etc say they do such great coffee …. Good luck!

She is selfish. I’d just say no. Why can’t she go out for dessert / drink at 8.30pm after they are in bed. Or if she is a lone parent bring round a take away after kids are in bed. I think your a bit mad too for going along with it for so long.

My Dsis is a lone parent of a DS 7 & she would NEVER treat her friends like this @jeaux90 plus when I visit her without my own DC we do normal things that an adult would also enjoy. She certainly doesn't force me to hang out in playgrounds & soft play all the time. Shudder. Parents who claim they don't want to miss a second or can't bear to be away from their precious DC for even one hour are so full of crap or just derranged imo.

Ooo I think this is quite interesting. Maybe you could treat her to an adult activity (theatre tickets? Wine tasting?) for a birthday or something and use it to catalyse a conversation about how you love to see the kids but it's brilliant to see her one on one. Honestly though, my genuine friends are the ones who see me however that can happen. If they just want to be out of the house can't you offer your house and get them some activities to keep them busy?

I suppose it's still a relatively new feature, but clicking on the 'See all' option, on any of the OP's posts, will show you ALL her posts and save people from forming their response on the basis of the first post ONLY.