Best friend only wants to catch up with me (childfree) at kid-oriented venues

[PlaygroundSusie]

Hi all - I’m childfree, so I hope it’s ok for me to post here. But I’d really appreciate some advice/perspective from parents.

My best friend and I are both 38. Met at uni. She has two children, DS aged 7 and a DD aged 3. She and her kids come as a package deal. She chooses not to socialise without them. This is because (as she’s explained) she wants to cherish every moment while they are still young. She works part-time and her kids are in loads of activities, so family time is vitally important to her.

I respect her decision and understand her kids are her top priority. I am also fond of her children and enjoy seeing them. The problem arises in where we meet. My friend never wants to stop at home. She always wants to catch up at very child-friendly venues. Usually playgrounds, but sometimes places like petting zoos, children's museums, festivals aimed at pre-schoolers, etc.

This means her kids are usually excitable, and easily distracted, and tend to race around a lot. Or they need help navigating the slide, or want to be pushed on the swings, etc. About 80% of my time is usually spent watching or helping my friend parent her children, and only 20% is us actually catching up and having a proper conversation.

On the very rare occasions we meet at her house, it’s much better. The split is more like 50/50. I happily interact with her children for a bit, but then they drift off to their toys, backyard, etc, and my friend and I chat. But unfortunately, my friend and her kids get bored at home, and prefer to get out of the house. Cafes are occasionally an option if it’s raining, or too hot, but otherwise they want the playground or some other place specifically designed for kids.

At the risk of sounding horrible, I’m tired of always catching up at child-oriented venues. I’ve been doing this for years, and there seems to be no end in sight. I’ve reached my limit. We’re catching up this weekend, and I suggested meeting at a café in a park (I figured we could maybe have coffee then go for a walk afterward). Her response was: “DS7 and DD3 would prefer to meet you at the playground. So, the playground it is – LOL!” Again, I appreciate her children come first, but I did find this a bit frustrating. Shouldn’t the grown-ups get to choose the venue?

AIBU? Is there a polite way I could tell her I’m sick of always meeting at child-oriented venues, and that I’d vastly prefer to simply catch-up at her house or a café? Any other suggestions? I feel like such an awful friend for feeling this way!

Whatever the friend is being, it is not 'kind'

Tell her the truth. There will be 3 outcomes.

1. She will met you without her kids

2. She will not change her ways and insist on kids activities

3. You have a choice of not meeting her at all

4. Status quo

My god I would not be able to put up with this. Yes it’s lovely that your friend loves her children however it sounds like she’s completely lost her identity of herself as an individual person and is now just someone’s mum. Wanting to spend every second with her children is not healthy and is only promoting worrying attachment issues for the kids. I dread to think what she’ll be like one day when they leave the nest.

I would have been able to understand the behaviour a little if she was a single parent but she isn’t. Goodness knows what her husband think of the situation being made to feel like he’s incapable of looking after his own children without her.

I would politely suggest next time you’re planning a get together you say “it would be lovely to catch up just the two of us and have some quality adult time”

She cannot expect you especially as a child free person to want to spend your work free time at playgrounds and soft play!

You are nice, she knows it and she’s taking full advantage. Drop her for a while, don’t even have a conversation.

You are a more fun, probably more helpful substitute DH for a day out. She can make whatever decisions she wants about how she socialises and her bedtime etc but people like this need to understand that other people do not have to accommodate their idiosyncrasies. Watch how fast she will find the ability to be flexible when she feels like she’s losing friends.

I think you probably just need to be honest with her about how sometimes it would be nice to meet without the children. She probably doesn’t really realise and has probably lost a lot of her confidence and her kids are like a safety blanket.

oh god. How do you manage to keep her as a friend? She sounds dreary

i have kids but i still value time with friends in the pub. With booze. Away from the little darlings

she’s lost herself entirely

I have been the parent in this situation and I beg you to please tell her how you feel sooner rather than later. For me, this all came out via a mutual ‘friend’ who very much wanted to cause pain and angst.

if my friend has said, I would’ve happily gone to cafes or parks or for a walk or hosted her at home but going out is by far the easiest way to keep kids entertained. Especially if you want to run some energy off them.

that said, when my oldest was 3, I was quite happy to leave him with my husband and have child free time with my friend! I don’t quite understand those parents who have to spend every waking hour with their kids. I adore mine (from time to time!) but I want a break from them too!

Sorry I didn’t actually answer the question! If pop her a text and say something like, I really enjoy seeing you and the kids but I’d value some child free time where we can chat and catch up properly. Shall we do cocktails/spa day/other child unfriendly activity as you see fit next time?

I definitely wouldn’t take offence to a message like that but it really hurt to find out my apparent friend was bitching hugely about this behind my back. We aren’t friends anymore and the mutual idiot got binned too just for information!

My older sister was like this with her kids, she is now like this with her grandkids. Any suggestions of a Saturday afternoon out having a nice lunch always ends up in chicken nuggets at McDonald's. Her kids and grandkids are lovely and I really enjoy spending time with them but I just don't have a close relationship with my sister because of this. I can never speak openly with her about what's happening in my life because it's all kids/grandkids/play dates/school gate stuff, it's like nothing else exists for her. It's almost like she uses the kids as human shields against the world outside her family.

'Its almost like she uses the kids as human shields against the world outside her family.'

I think you've nailed it. I think the kids / grandkids are some people's comfort zone, and they're happy for them to take up most of their head space, because its just easier for them that way. If the kids are the only thing that provides joy and meaning for the adult, that's a hell of a burden to saddle them with, very much speaking from experience!

Some mothers really do think their children are seen as brilliant to everyone else as they are to them. They cannot imagine better company and are sharing their wonderful - ness with you. It’s really difficult. You have to back off for your own sanity.

@Tigernoodles81 "if my friend has said, I would’ve happily gone to cafes or parks or for a walk or hosted her at home but going out is by far the easiest way to keep kids entertained. Especially if you want to run some energy off them. "

OP was clear in her first post that she has said this.

She's so inflexible and weirdly fixated on her kids. She isn't being a good friend. The occasional child venue fine, but not all the time. You can try to explore options that aren't so kid focused, it sounds like she probably won't budge, and if that's the case, do you really want to hang out with her anyway?

Yes I read the original post. I was drawing the parallel with my own situation and then answered her question in a second post.

I'm with you on this and I have two kids ages 5 and 2. Tbh vast majority of me and DH's friends from before we had kids, we don't meet them with our kids. They hardly know our children, they are all childless and mostly disinterested in our kids (other than polite 'how are they' and little chit chat, occasionally they might buy them something small for Xmas or whatever). But that's all absolutely fine with us. We both relish the childfree time with our friends! I prefer to meet them without the kids because as you say you can't catch up properly with them anyway. I think your friend is being super unreasonable but I also think she sounds like that's her decision to live life that way and I don't think you saying anything will change things, possibly you will lose her. But then it doesn't sound like she's a very good friend anyway if she takes offence.

Some suggestions:

I assume the kids are in school/nursery during the day, so if you wfh/work nearby, could you suggest a weekday lunch date with her?

Could you book a weekend brunch and say you want to treat her so you’ve arranged for her DH to have the kids for a couple of hours?

Could you suggest a hobby or an activity that you’d love for her to come with you to (e.g. gym before work/a Saturday yoga class)? A monthly thing, max 1hr and positioned as a health kick you’re on that you’d like her support with.

If her DH is away/goes out, suggesting you come round to help out with the kids and then catch up when they’re in bed?

There’s a few things you could try to get around this but ultimately, if you think she’ll always make an excuse for the kids to be there, you have to decide whether you want to put up with it or start putting yourself and your time first as this friendship isn’t a priority for her.

What about when kids at school

I'm a mum of 3 and I completely understand what you are saying! After a month of trying to meet up with my friend, we finally arranged and date and met up. Only when she turned up she brought her daughter. No mention of her coming before hand! I was so annoyed but didn't say anything, the whole point of finally meeting was so we can chat about things I didnt want to talk about infront of an 8 year old!

presumably the op works !

You binned your friend because you didn't want to meet her without your kids?

You binned your friend because you didn't want to meet her without your kids?

No there were MANY MANY other reasons for not being friends with them, mainly they were quite nasty people, a situation brought it to a head and this was thrown in my face as an excuse for their poor behaviour

It’s lovely that she wants you there when with the kids as you’re building relationships and familiarity with them even though you’re not synchronised kid wise but you’re alongside her as they’re growing up.

It’s down to you to create opportunities to include her in your life in her child free time for the 2 of you. Invite her along to your life. Apologies as haven’t read entire thread but if you have and she had refused then she isn’t making effort to do the same for you. So then you’d need to have a conversation.

It’s lovely that she wants you there when with the kids as you’re building relationships and familiarity with them even though you’re not synchronised kid wise but you’re alongside her as they’re growing up.

🤣 🤣🤣🤣

There speaks a parent who sees it as a privilege for a child free person to spend time with her children (even though that person just wants to be able to have a grown up conversation with her friend for once).

It’s down to you to create opportunities to include her in your life in her child free time for the 2 of you. Invite her along to your life. Apologies as haven’t read entire thread but if you have and she had refused then she isn’t making effort to do the same for you. So then you’d need to have a conversation.

This thread is bonkers - why can’t people just use the “read all OP’s post” function even if they can’t read the whole thread? OP’s very clearly stated the issue is always meeting at child centric issues but is amenable to meeting at cafes, her home or friends home with her friends kids present ! She has suggested this and been told no, the kids preference for zoos etc take priority.

well op you’ve had plenty of advice and overall agreement from parents & non parents alike that YANBU.

Moving forward it’s clear you need to be more direct with her and stand firm. Don’t be so passive, refuse to let her have total control of where you meet. I can’t imagine any friend insisting they or their kids had the final say on where we meet every single time.

She is definitely taking advantage of you.

This