Been up all night with sick kids and he has a shitty attitude because I asked for ' lie in '

[babyby]

My kids have been ill all week. 4 and 2. I've also not been feeling great.

I work from home and managed to juggle for a couple of days somehow, but ultimately had to take a bit of time off.

Anyway they both have fevers so I have been up the last 3 nights at least, but sleep has been disrupted since Monday. The last three nights have been the hardest.

As H has work early in the morning and returns late at night, I've always done all the nights. He also usually gets to lie in at weekends while I take the kids down at 6-7 when they wake up.

He never ever offers or volunteers to come down. Some mornings he'll be upstairs until 10 am. His job is physical so I feel like he needs to rest.

In any case, last night was hell and this morning, they woke me up at the usual time as I was sleeping with them. I kept calling for my H to help me but he ignored it for a good half and hour.

Eventually he stormed in in a huff and I said, please take them off my hands, I'm so tired. He took them away in a mood.

Then he came in trying to find some trousers for my youngest and I said they're ' over there ' and he remarked ' oh this fucking mess '. At the drawer. It wasn't really messy tbh. But I haven't had time to put laundry away this week, so there's clean laundry in baskets. He got angry and stormed off and I told him that he's a joke.

He's downstairs now with the kids and I know he's angry about it. I said I'm really tired, why do you need to have such a shitty attitude when really you should be volunteering to take the kids off my hands for a bit. He knows how ill they've been and how unwell I've been, struggling alone to try and cover it all week ( whilst also trying to work and keep my bosses happy for some of the week ). He should be ashamed of himself really that he didn't even offer to do take them off my hands this morning with a smile on his face.

It's disgusting really but I know when I go down, we will end up in another fight and he will call me a whinger. He said all I do is whinge.

I don't want to end up in a fight but this behaviour is absolutely unacceptable. How do I get through to him ? Usually we would just end up fighting all day. No, usually what would happen is that I would absolutely lose my shit and he would just walk off and he won't engage with me. Which is actually even more frustrating. He'll call me a whinge and then he'll let me blow up and then he'll just walk off.

Great. I can see you are really trying your very utmost best here. Big hug, sweetheart.

I’m sorry you feel that way is not a proper apology, I’m afraid.

If you want to stay with him, I’m glad you found something that worked, and fingers crossed pressing him more with little wiggle room remaining will work again.

The situation from before sounds awful, I’m glad you’re not in it anymore.

Do you feel he holds any love or tenderness in his heart for you and the children? I hope there is, because if there isn’t, no amount of talking or planning will put it in there.

He can say how stressful his job is until he is blue in the face, doesn’t make it true that he is more stressed than you, you are at your wits end by the sounds of it. He certainly wasn’t more sick than you and the kids this weekend, yet he still felt his sleep should come first.

In very much doubt a man who is getting a full nights sleep every night not having to wake up for kids, and doesn’t have many responsibilities in the home by the sounds of it is anywhere close to falling apart physically and psychologically the way you are, and his body certainly didn’t have to go through the rigours of giving birth and breastfeeding and their lasting affects to mind body and spirit.

How do you think single men who do his same job survive?
They would still need to do their own dishes, washing, cleaning, cooking, shopping… and they’d certainly need to remember where they put their own clothes.

Trust me, he can do more, and comfortably.

He has brainwashed you into thinking his job renders him disabled.

He may have, but if you ask anyone in our life - apart from my mum haha. They're always feeling sorry for him and how much he works.

My mum thinks he needs to do more but other than that, it's always about him and his brutal schedule.

He adores his children so much. I think he resents me a lot for not sleeping near him and sleeping with the children.

How do you think single men who do his same job survive?
They would still need to do their own dishes, washing, cleaning, cooking, shopping… and they’d certainly need to remember where they put their own clothes.

Trust me, he can do more, and comfortably.

He has brainwashed you into thinking his job renders him disabled.

Absolutely true. He was ' single ' for a while, whilst he was working the same way and he couldn't hack it at all. Couldn't get a hold of his laundry or his flat. It was just a mess.

I’d claim the lie in the next few weeks ends, I’d tell him the night before you clearly need more practice helping parent and giving me a break when I need. I’ll take the lie in tomorrow morning, I give it to you way more than is fair out of love but I haven’t been getting that love back when I need it. So I’m withdrawing mine and you can share lie ins, you don’t share night time parenting
after all.
my Dh suggested we share week end lie ins when I went back to work. I lost my shit and said he hadn’t shared the endless nights 7 nights a week for 9 months so how did you get this sudden concept of things should be fair? No fucking way. Ask me in a year.

Yes there can be hard times in marriages, like when the on of the parents and/or kids are sick, a family member/parent needs care, money is tight, one of you hates your job, or loses your job… etc etc The difference is in decent, equal relationships, the hard times are made easier. That’s not the what you’ve described. You’ve described your husband’s moods as ruining things and you’ve described his attitude to helping you deal with a “hard time” as being completely unacceptable.

Bravo!

Human beings will try it on and push you as far as you’re willing to go, even if it means you become a walking corpse!

You handled that beautifully. I bet it also stopped him the next time he was going to try something shitty.

Some “No” here and there keeps people honest and keeps resentment down.

He should have been doing night wakings, too. Why is it his is only a day job but yours should be 24/7.
I don’t think even a year is enough, as far as hour for hour goes. Waking up early in the morning is nowhere near comparable to being up at all hours of the night with a baby screaming in your ears.

Good for you!

Yeah I don't feel like I get the love back.

I also have health issues and sometimes I'm really low on energy at the weekend and kind of vegetate a bit, in the sense that I'm not basically cleaning and sorting stuff all day ( like is needed ).

H is quite good usually and will clean a lot and do sorting stuff some weekends. He then gets annoyed and has called me a zombie before when I just play with the kids and I'm not in that sort of mood where I'm constantly getting up and doing stuff in the house.

Yesterday, although I was annoyed I had a bit more energy and got quite a bit done in the house. He was having a low energy day and wasn't doing much and he did say a couple of times that he's just not got his head on properly today and can't seem to sort himself out to be more productive. He kept saying ' I'll do this in a minute or don't worry I'll sort that '. I said ' don't worry, I know how that feels and I have that a lot at weekends. I have more energy today. You may have more energy tomorrow. But please, next time I have a low energy day, remember this and don't berate me and call me a zombie for it'.

Hopefully he'll remember. I just hate being a hypocrite. I think it's normal for people to have lower energy some days, even when they're not sick like I am. When I have energy I'll do it. But he has more than once been unkind to me on those days.

It should be a give and take. When you see your partner is struggling, you pick up the slack. When they see you're struggling, they pick up the slack

Just to offer some perspective.. I woke up ill this morning, my husband took our 2 year old downstairs while I had a lie-in and he’s also took him to watch his brother play football this morning so I can have a bit of peace. That’s what a good husband/father does when you’re sick. I do the same when he’s poorly, it’s not hard to not be a bellend. Don’t put up with his bullshit.

Yeah I agree. Hope you feel better soon !

OP, I’m really sorry people are kicking you while you’re down and trying to make you the issue.

I can see you’re trying your best to keep everyone happy but sometimes you feel like your needs aren’t being met, so I don’t think it’s fair that everyone’s jumped on this thread trying to say it will affect your kids. Please stop trying to justify your parenting to faceless keyboard warriors on MN, because if your kids are happy and healthy then ultimately it doesn’t matter what people on mumsnet think.

Having said that, it might be helpful to try to talk to your husband about how you’re feeling as this doesn’t seem like it’s a one-off situation and it feels like this could just be the tip of the iceberg for other things that are winding you up that you haven’t spoken about, if you don’t communicate your issues they won’t be resolved.

I’d also just like to say that it does sound like you are taking on more than your fair share of tasks because your husband works long hours, but if it was reversed and you worked those hours, would you expect the same from him? If so, fair enough but I suspect based on your previous replies, you’d still pull your weight, so why would you expect less for yourself than what you’d offer someone else?

Doesn't sound like a keeper. Sounds like a spoiled brat

That’s not fair though. You have physical job too. You look after the children, by the sounds of it, all the time, and you are working as well. Time for a conversation about what it means to be a parent, and whether he’s going to be one.

God bless you . Do you have a family member or friend who can come in and give you some respite . Your husband is a waste of space . I’d come and help you if you lived locally to me believe me I would xxxx

Just tell him this: I am not whinging. I am merely sharing my feelings. It's opportunity for you to set things right so we can have a better tomorrow, a brighter future. Take time to figure out what needs to change, otherwise, eventually I will get tired of the same old, I'll stop accepting that I'm at fault and gather enough courage to point out where YOU are wrong, then leave.

OR: Please share why you feel I am whinging and I'll stop. I'll stop communicating my feelings, my needs. It's pretty clear you've ignored all cues in where you could have stepped in, to nip "the whinging" in the bud, i.e. shared the parenting, which is way more important than our jobs and lie-ins. Point out what you will physically do as a father and partner to stop "the whinging" and I might just stop.

OR: We need to settle this now for a happier, less stressful family life. Accept my "whinging" as a cry for help. I would like a rest and for you to support that. Roll up your sleeves and be loving father, a reliable partner, without the attitude, which has no foundation or is that your barely concealed dislike for the role you stepped into once your children were born? I don't believe I'm whinging - you're trying to make me look like the bad person here, which I know I'm definitely not.

All positively effervescent with self-assertion. He is walking all over you, my lovely. All of this has potential to be a working catalyst - we women literally have to ask for what we want from our partners, husbands... He may be explosive, but that's on him. Remain calm.

Maybe you both need to grow up to help your kids grow up. It's not a healthy environment and you're both playing victim and shouting and being drama queens. There is always a problem when a child is sick. But both parents need to pull their weight, be a team, and/or call in outside help.

Do you wfh and childcare your kids at the same time? Because that would be insane. Your kids won't get the attention they need. Or are they home because childcare won't accept them sick?

You need to separate your childcare from work responsibilities. And then work out how a sick child impacts on both your jobs. And housework. And sleep time.

No one can function without sleep. So while a child is sick, you have to work out how each of you can cover the other to have 8-12 hours of uninterrupted sleep and downtime.

You need to split the weekends into two days. And either one parent takes the kid(s) to a friend or relative for the day; or one parent goes sleep at a friend's or relative's house or B&B/hotel, if the kid is too sick to leave home. You both need time out.

You have to agree what housework, cooking and laundry will slide for a week and what basic minimum chores are important.

You need to work out who takes time off work, when and for how long.

And you need to work out if there's any family, friends, or paid support who can assist.

You're wasting far too much time being angry and stewing and frustrated and yelling because both of you don't have the support you need and don't have a plan how to handle it.

You've had a nightmare, steep learning curve week.

The next time your children are sick - have a plan to hand, about how you can both handle it - together as a team.

Ltb.

No I don't work at the same time as looking after my kids. They're in full time child care but were home sick this week.

I can't really make a plan because for when they're sick, as it's always my responsibility to deal with it as he can't leave work. Self employed.

So it's always me / my work that takes the hit, unfortunately.

Growing up resonates. It's not about us. It's about the kids and not about our own discomfort. I get that most of the time. However I don't think he does.

Do you mean he’s self employed op or you?

It’s a sexist brutal world and many times it’s women, especially the older generation who indoctrinate and perpetuate the most fiercely.

I wouldn’t take any notice of this.
case in my the current thread we have about “penis portions”, where even young women will deliberately feed a girl less than a boy.
We haven’t moved on that much, hardly at all in some areas.

@sandyhappypeople he is

I think he gets it, you’ve certainly told him more than once.

It also seems he may be resentful that he is getting less time with you at night now because the children need you more. He gets it, and he STILL thinks he’s the most important person in the house, his needs trump even that of his own infants.

And today, because you’re a wonderful kind person, you did what needed to be done for the family, because he told you he was having a low energy day, and you wanted him to know you understood, and you wanted him to feel your kindness and understanding so he his heart is softened and he can give you the same back when you are low energy… because you I assume he wants to be kind and fair. Is that right?

Except you were NOT low evergy, you were ILL and up all night with sick children… you were ILL AND SLEEP DEPRIVED…
He was WELL and had SLEPT.

So what did he learn today?

He learned it is okay for you to be sick and take care of him and the children…
He also learned it is okay for him to be well and do nothing.

He learned you will blow up, then you will look after him even more the next day.

What do you think he will think the next time you and the children are sick…
He will think you are an Ox who is made for work and you obviously can do with it and are stronger than him… never mind he as a male has more natural muscle mass and physical power than you.

Just think about a while.

Be aware of what your actions are saying, not just your words.

Next time, it may be that you will remain entirely quiet and your actions will speak for you. Isn’t that what he does? And you have understood very well.

I can’t stand people like you. So she reacts to his bullshit and obviously knows this is shit all round which is why she’s come on here but you run salt in the wound to tell her how she’s impacting the kids. She knows this. So instead of advising on leaving/ protecting her own sanity it’s straight in with how her reactions are bad and feeding into the women should just suck it up or she’s the one harming the kids.

Who are you addressing? Please use the quote feature on the top right of each post, thanks.