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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Been up all night with sick kids and he has a shitty attitude because I asked for ' lie in '

262 replies

babyby · 03/02/2024 08:38

My kids have been ill all week. 4 and 2. I've also not been feeling great.

I work from home and managed to juggle for a couple of days somehow, but ultimately had to take a bit of time off.

Anyway they both have fevers so I have been up the last 3 nights at least, but sleep has been disrupted since Monday. The last three nights have been the hardest.

As H has work early in the morning and returns late at night, I've always done all the nights. He also usually gets to lie in at weekends while I take the kids down at 6-7 when they wake up.

He never ever offers or volunteers to come down. Some mornings he'll be upstairs until 10 am. His job is physical so I feel like he needs to rest.

In any case, last night was hell and this morning, they woke me up at the usual time as I was sleeping with them. I kept calling for my H to help me but he ignored it for a good half and hour.

Eventually he stormed in in a huff and I said, please take them off my hands, I'm so tired. He took them away in a mood.

Then he came in trying to find some trousers for my youngest and I said they're ' over there ' and he remarked ' oh this fucking mess '. At the drawer. It wasn't really messy tbh. But I haven't had time to put laundry away this week, so there's clean laundry in baskets. He got angry and stormed off and I told him that he's a joke.

He's downstairs now with the kids and I know he's angry about it. I said I'm really tired, why do you need to have such a shitty attitude when really you should be volunteering to take the kids off my hands for a bit. He knows how ill they've been and how unwell I've been, struggling alone to try and cover it all week ( whilst also trying to work and keep my bosses happy for some of the week ). He should be ashamed of himself really that he didn't even offer to do take them off my hands this morning with a smile on his face.

It's disgusting really but I know when I go down, we will end up in another fight and he will call me a whinger. He said all I do is whinge.

I don't want to end up in a fight but this behaviour is absolutely unacceptable. How do I get through to him ? Usually we would just end up fighting all day. No, usually what would happen is that I would absolutely lose my shit and he would just walk off and he won't engage with me. Which is actually even more frustrating. He'll call me a whinge and then he'll let me blow up and then he'll just walk off.

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 03/02/2024 08:40

Let him huff. Stay where you are until you feel rested enough

Nearlythere80 · 03/02/2024 08:42

So don't blow up. Grey rock technique - 'I am not whinging, I am reminding you to do your part in parenting your kids, end of.'

pootlin · 03/02/2024 08:43

YANBU. He’s got used to having all the lie ins. Time for you to take the weekend lie ins and let him huff and puff and get used to it.

Hope you feel better. He is telling you you whinge precisely because he wants you to stop asking him to do anything, don’t fall for it.

crumblingschools · 03/02/2024 08:43

What are his good qualities?

How much parenting does he normally do, work round the house?

Notimeforaname · 03/02/2024 08:43

when I go down, we will end up in another fight and he will call me a whinger. He said all I do is whinge.

When you do go down go, get on with your day.
If he says anything, calmly tell him you have needs and a rest today was one of them..go no further about it. Repeat the same line any time he brings it up.
Stay calm, don't answer him as you normally do, you know it ends in argument.

What a prick, I'm sorry op.

Crishell · 03/02/2024 08:46

God that would infuriate me. You're a team. It is incredibly hard to have one child ill, with two parents, never mind both children, with one. He absolutely should be helping you. Does he not care about them?

tocontinue1 · 03/02/2024 08:46

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RowanMayfair · 03/02/2024 08:48

You can't get through to him. He's a misogynist who thinks parenting and grunt work is your job. How do you think you can overcome that kind of social conditioning? Especially when there is no incentive for him to make any changes.

RBowmama · 03/02/2024 08:50

Share weekend lay-ins, one each! And night wake ups if little ones wake at night usually. So dad does Friday night (if needed) and mum gets to sleep and takes the kid's down in the morning whilst dad has a sleep and then swap over for Saturday night/Sunday morning.

Didimum · 03/02/2024 08:52

You won’t get through to him. He doesn’t love you or his children as much as he loves himself. This won’t change. He may do it reluctantly, but this will only chip away at his ‘love’ for you, because to him your main value is how you serve him.

Doctorbear · 03/02/2024 08:55

You need to change your behaviour and not go off on one. Stay calm and keep repeating that you also need a rest. I'd also ask him why his well-being is more important than yours and state that you will be having a lie in one day every weekend. It doesn't need to be an argument but you need to be firm with boundaries and do not escalate it to an argument. If he starts doing the same then walk away.

Tadah2 · 03/02/2024 08:56

I agree with PP. Come down calm and serene, don’t let him spoil your day/lie in going forward. Don’t fight anything with fire, just take your one line and stick to it.

e.g.

I’m tired - we are working together as a team to raise our children, you did this morning and I did the nights this week

I deserved a lie in - we are working together to raise our children, you did this morning and I did the nights this week

the house is a mess - we are working together to raise our children, you are more than welcome to help tidy or I will tidy whilst you watch the kids

I know from my point of view I used to feel I had to justify myself and I don’t. Stop justifying it

arethereanyleftatall · 03/02/2024 08:57

Well at least you can recognise he's awful op.
I don't think there's anything you can do to get through to him. He's just a wrong-un. Selfish, thoughtless, sexist, misogynist. Why would he change from his easy life. Going to work and that's it, is easy. Going to work and solo parenting is fucking hard.
He is supposed to love you. I don't know about you but I help people I love if I see them struggling. This man puts himself first at all times and won't ever change.

mponder · 03/02/2024 08:57

I absolutely hate it how men (some) think they can pick and choose when they help either the house or the kids.

It's so unfair. Although in my case I don't work and he works away so no choice.

When he's home on rest for weeks he says it's his downtime.

It usually always falls to the mum, but you both work full time. It's so unfair.

Notimeforaname · 03/02/2024 09:00

Share weekend lay-ins, one each!

Yes, every functional couple I know, do this. You both pick a day of the weekend.

arethereanyleftatall · 03/02/2024 09:00

OF COURSE you whinge. Of course you do. You're absolutely knackered. Recognise that you are knackered and 'whinging' BECAUSE OF HIM. If he would like you to stop whinging, maybe he should parent.
I'd go to a hotel op right now. On your own. If you can afford it. And do some proper thinking about what you and your kids are getting out of this.

tocontinue1 · 03/02/2024 09:01

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mponder · 03/02/2024 09:02

And why is it that we are called whingers / moaners.

When they don't do anything / help and we mention oh are we expected not to say anything? I hate how it's turned around.

mponder · 03/02/2024 09:02

@arethereanyleftatall I wouldn't leave my ill kids would you?

tocontinue1 · 03/02/2024 09:02

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NerrSnerr · 03/02/2024 09:03

You need to consider why you're not already sharing the weekend lie ins?

tocontinue1 · 03/02/2024 09:03

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tocontinue1 · 03/02/2024 09:04

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arethereanyleftatall · 03/02/2024 09:06

Their father is there!!!

If he can't look after his own children then that's far bigger problems.

Jesus, how low the bar is for men!

babyby · 03/02/2024 09:07

NerrSnerr · 03/02/2024 09:03

You need to consider why you're not already sharing the weekend lie ins?

Because I have a job working from home and he has a long commute and physical job. So I try to give him the lie ins.

OP posts:
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