Been up all night with sick kids and he has a shitty attitude because I asked for ' lie in '

[babyby]

My kids have been ill all week. 4 and 2. I've also not been feeling great.

I work from home and managed to juggle for a couple of days somehow, but ultimately had to take a bit of time off.

Anyway they both have fevers so I have been up the last 3 nights at least, but sleep has been disrupted since Monday. The last three nights have been the hardest.

As H has work early in the morning and returns late at night, I've always done all the nights. He also usually gets to lie in at weekends while I take the kids down at 6-7 when they wake up.

He never ever offers or volunteers to come down. Some mornings he'll be upstairs until 10 am. His job is physical so I feel like he needs to rest.

In any case, last night was hell and this morning, they woke me up at the usual time as I was sleeping with them. I kept calling for my H to help me but he ignored it for a good half and hour.

Eventually he stormed in in a huff and I said, please take them off my hands, I'm so tired. He took them away in a mood.

Then he came in trying to find some trousers for my youngest and I said they're ' over there ' and he remarked ' oh this fucking mess '. At the drawer. It wasn't really messy tbh. But I haven't had time to put laundry away this week, so there's clean laundry in baskets. He got angry and stormed off and I told him that he's a joke.

He's downstairs now with the kids and I know he's angry about it. I said I'm really tired, why do you need to have such a shitty attitude when really you should be volunteering to take the kids off my hands for a bit. He knows how ill they've been and how unwell I've been, struggling alone to try and cover it all week ( whilst also trying to work and keep my bosses happy for some of the week ). He should be ashamed of himself really that he didn't even offer to do take them off my hands this morning with a smile on his face.

It's disgusting really but I know when I go down, we will end up in another fight and he will call me a whinger. He said all I do is whinge.

I don't want to end up in a fight but this behaviour is absolutely unacceptable. How do I get through to him ? Usually we would just end up fighting all day. No, usually what would happen is that I would absolutely lose my shit and he would just walk off and he won't engage with me. Which is actually even more frustrating. He'll call me a whinge and then he'll let me blow up and then he'll just walk off.

Running the house and looking after the DC is work - you just don't get paid for it.

You both should have the same amount of child free downtime.

He should be ashamed. But you losing your shit is also very unhealthy. Doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at all.

Does he at least do all the bedtimes?

Nice victim blaming.

But he doesn’t appreciate them, so stop trying to give him the lie ins. Take half for yourself on weekends and during holidays.

He could have the lie in on a Saturday but he should let you have the lie in on Sunday. And if kids are ill it’s all hands to the pump

@EIIaJ is correct. It's an unhealthy relationship. It needs to change or they should break up. I'm sure the op would be a lot happier alone , she'll have one less child to look after at least...

It’s not victim blaming to point out that losing your shit over a situation that you are allowing to happen in the first place is unhealthy and horrible for the kids.

OP very much needs to change her approach if ‘losing her shit’ does sod all to change anything anyway, she says all it does is create a horrible atmosphere and they fight all day, so what’s the point of it?

If my DH was like this I’d stop giving him lie ins for a start, stroppy twat.

Can you explain how I've victim blamed by saying that's not a healthy relationship? Him being an angry head, and the OP usually losing her shit isn't healthy, but I'd like to understand how you think that's victim blaming.

Did I say "I'm not surprised he was angry because you lose your shit at him", no I never, because that would be victim blaming which isn't what my opinion is.

Doesn’t matter about jobs, you need to share lie-in’s. He has become entitled. Rather than seeing the sacrifice you make for him weekly, he thinks sleep is owed to him only. You already do the night wakings, that’s your concession to his job. My DH had a 3 hour commute, I was on mat leave/AL/work close to home. We still shared the weekends.
When you get up, go out for the day and avoid the fight lasting all day. When you get home, sort kids dinner and get them to bed. Just avoid him, like he would you.

I’ve had a similar night to yours accept both me and DH were up looking after 5YO and baby.

Im having a lie in, he is downstairs with baby making me breakfast while poorly eldest lies next to me.

I’m on mat leave btw.

Your DH doesn’t care about the well being of his children, if he did, he’d make sure his wife had the rest to look after them In addition to being up due to worry.

Yeah this doesn't fly tbh my husband has a physical job and guess who is still on bed and guess who is up with our DD?

How do I get through to him?
You don't unfortunately, men know how to be decent humans, yours doesn't want to be. If he really cared about you he would be helping with nights and giving you a regular break. Sorry but if he doesn't get it now he never will.

Today you are ill (exaggerate if you need to)and you stay in bed all day

a. To rest and recuperate so you can genuinely cope next week
b. To teach him that it’s bloody hard coping on your own
c. To avoid the arguments you know will happen

Going forward it’s one lie in each. That’s fair.
Think about whether you are getting anything from this relationship. It sounds very one sided and actually quite toxic. What’s he been doing today if not whinging himself?

I think it’s probably more the issue that you sprung it on him. If he had thought he was getting a lie in but then told he wasn’t that’s not great tbh. Maybe the night before you could have said that you were exhausted, please can he help. I think it’s the element of rug being pulled from underneath him that he has found annoying.

That's such BS. He knows how hard this week has been.

He should have been planning to get up. At the very least he should have been expecting to get up.

A less selfish partner would be planning it and wouldn't even need to be asked to do it.

@Sunflower8848 does it take a genius to work out that the parent trying to work and look after 2 sick children during the week and then up all night will be exhausted and maybe the other parent should step up without being asked.

Don't be absurd! He'll know she has been dealing with sick kids all week, he should have said last night that the OP can lie in and he should have jumped up the second those kids were awake.

Ffs, stop making excuses for this useless manchild.

But that’s what having kids is all about.. there could be an element of truth in what you’re saying (would only be a fleeting feeling in most people if there at all) but he’s a shit husband and shit father if that’s his genuine feelings on it that he would carry on punishing OP for the kids being ill.

We have this reversed in our house - I have the long commute and day on my feet, husband largely works at home. We still share night wakings and lie-ins because we both want each other to have extra time to relax / catch up on sleep. You have a LOT of work between job and children, and you deserve that time for yourself.

I had a similar sort of situation with my DH last year. Not sure how we got there as he was never like it before. Anyway, all the calm communication in the world was not getting through so one day I totally lost control of my temper and it was ugly.

He was shocked to his core, knows full well that I meant it when I said I was not prepared to spend my time on earth skivvying and he'd bloody well start doing his share again or he would be fucking off.
I don't want my sons growing up copying this example and I don't want his daughter growing up thinking she can expect no better, either. That really hit home and he was deeply ashamed.
We are going through a period of adjustment as I've started to mirror some of his behaviours, to give myself a break if nothing else, and he's starting to recognise himself more. We will get there.
The difference is, he actually listened to me, took on board what I was saying, apologised, and we made a new plan together. Wish it hadn't taken a full on meltdown from me to get there mind you.
If he had behaved like your husband, OP, it would have been the end of our marriage.
Your husband is hearing how exhausted and miserable you are and he does not care. He's actively defending his right to keep you exhausted and miserable, which he thinks is what you deserve.
Smell the coffee time.

If parenting your own children at the weekends is only something that is 'sprung on you' without notice, if you actually have to do it, it doesn't suggest very equal parenting now does it.

Stop worrying and go back to sleep.

Why do so many men think they can abstain from being fathers to their children? Wtf.

Women need to set tge bar higher.

He wouldn't be for me, sorry.