Been up all night with sick kids and he has a shitty attitude because I asked for ' lie in '

[babyby]

My kids have been ill all week. 4 and 2. I've also not been feeling great.

I work from home and managed to juggle for a couple of days somehow, but ultimately had to take a bit of time off.

Anyway they both have fevers so I have been up the last 3 nights at least, but sleep has been disrupted since Monday. The last three nights have been the hardest.

As H has work early in the morning and returns late at night, I've always done all the nights. He also usually gets to lie in at weekends while I take the kids down at 6-7 when they wake up.

He never ever offers or volunteers to come down. Some mornings he'll be upstairs until 10 am. His job is physical so I feel like he needs to rest.

In any case, last night was hell and this morning, they woke me up at the usual time as I was sleeping with them. I kept calling for my H to help me but he ignored it for a good half and hour.

Eventually he stormed in in a huff and I said, please take them off my hands, I'm so tired. He took them away in a mood.

Then he came in trying to find some trousers for my youngest and I said they're ' over there ' and he remarked ' oh this fucking mess '. At the drawer. It wasn't really messy tbh. But I haven't had time to put laundry away this week, so there's clean laundry in baskets. He got angry and stormed off and I told him that he's a joke.

He's downstairs now with the kids and I know he's angry about it. I said I'm really tired, why do you need to have such a shitty attitude when really you should be volunteering to take the kids off my hands for a bit. He knows how ill they've been and how unwell I've been, struggling alone to try and cover it all week ( whilst also trying to work and keep my bosses happy for some of the week ). He should be ashamed of himself really that he didn't even offer to do take them off my hands this morning with a smile on his face.

It's disgusting really but I know when I go down, we will end up in another fight and he will call me a whinger. He said all I do is whinge.

I don't want to end up in a fight but this behaviour is absolutely unacceptable. How do I get through to him ? Usually we would just end up fighting all day. No, usually what would happen is that I would absolutely lose my shit and he would just walk off and he won't engage with me. Which is actually even more frustrating. He'll call me a whinge and then he'll let me blow up and then he'll just walk off.

Sounds like you need a rant and you've had that which is fair enough. Nothing will change the next time you or the kids are ill because you make excuses for his behaviour. He gets a lie in at the weekends because he does a physical job. If he's not working over the weekend why can't you both get a day each? Why not consider your own needs on a day to day? Fair enough you wfh but you are still working and then up early with the kids all day. You set the boundaries in your relationship and it's you who is standing by whilst he puts his needs before that of your own and the kids.Sounds like the resentment simmers on a day to day and then you explode. Not great in my opinion but understandable.

I never understand the posters who say you should just leave the kids and go to a hotel. If he's moaning about looking after them for a short time, how us it going to be better if you aren't present?

I'd be inclined to have a sit down chat about how things need to change for both your sakes and that you don't appreciate the gaslighting. I'm not sure if it's something you will do and that's up to you. I'm ill at the minute, been to work this morning and my dh managed to sort out our 3 kids without any input from me and is now cooking our dinner. I did the same when he was ill last week. A partner should be exactly that, someone who shares the load.

Not according to the information you’ve provided, which is what responses will be based on. Unless you’re talking about you ‘exploding’, which I’m afraid isn’t the same thing at all.

I also said by facing up to and dealing with your toxic home situation. You ignored that bit, I see.

I sat with him earlier, calmly and explained what I would have expected him to do this morning if he actually showed any proper regard for me.

I wouldn't have had to ask, he would have just come in. He should have already been thinking about it last night in fact. I said I was disappointed and it's not good enough. I think of him always and let him have lie ins. Why can't he have any consideration for me. Is this what he wants our daughter to think is acceptable when she is married ?

He said he's sorry and was moody and that I should have more lie ins for sure etc. I said something along the lines of that sorry just doesn't cut it. We need action. I'm not happy tbh. Things have got a lot better over the last 6 months but I'm not pleased with what happened.

I'm just not going to take that it's already at the point where we aren't providing our kids with a nice home environment. It's really important to me that we do.

Oh great all sorted then! Not sure if it's that easy, why didn't you sort before?

Is he going to stop ruining days out for you as well, also by ruining them for you by default the children's day out is also ruined.

@doilooklikeicare no it's not all sorted for me. I'm not feeling great about it at all.

But at least there was no fight and I didn't blow up at him.

I hear you. Marriage is hard. Particularly after kids, sure some folk have it perfect. My husband also has A hard physical job to the extreme that it will most likely put him in an early grave. So he has lie ins and tries to have naps in a room with 3 kids. I hate it. But it’s where we are. I can’t imagine doing the job he does and dealing with kids, if only I had known. The fact he gave you a hug and asked how you were would be amazing for me! Although now? Maybe too little too late! Little kids are hard work and two adults both in equal jobs and able to spend equal time with children is probably very rare!

Well do something about it then! I cannot believe that you're saying that the moods, your upset, the ruined days out, your exploding, arguments etc are not taking a toll on the children.

Don't kid yourself, because that's what you seem to be doing!

No amount of shouting on MN, that you're not, is going to help. It's what's you've written.

People have offered advice, I would listen if I were you.

I do not believe that anyone has said their lives are perfect...... but what OP has written is not acceptable

Thanks for the realism. Marriage is sometimes hard.

And yours sounds totally wrong also..... a lie in and an afternoon nap whilst three children are around, what world does he live in?

One that you enable for him......

If he’s off tomorrow then tell him it’s his turn tonight !! Then he gets the lie in Sunday morning after you’ve slept all night!
he’s a selfish prick

OP, I agree that marriage can sometimes be hard. But I suspect what you’re finding hard in your marriage, and what you’re working hard at doesn’t really match what your husband finds “hard” and what, if anything, he’s working “hard” at.

You find it hard that your husband doesn’t pull his weight, frequently ruins family time with his moods, and makes you explode in anger.

He finds it hard that sometimes he has to actually parent his own kids.

I’m curious what he has said he is going to DO about your concerns? Apart from saying “li ins for sure”!

I would expect to be shown a proper calendar, marked with dates and times of what he intends to do.

Otherwise it’s just so much pie in the sky.

It’s the lack of pre planned CLEAR and AGREED daily responsibilities that has allowed things to deteriorate like this. There needs to be no more wiggle room if you really do have a full intention to resolve this equitably.

I would want to see organised written plans before the weekend is out. Strike while the iron is hot.

This can be said very quietly and succinctly - far more deadly way to express your needs in general.

You sound like a very kind and good humane being, let’s hope he has an ounce of goodness and suddenly develops sense of his responsibilities, and a desire to make his family happy rather than ruin the days.

As to the moods, that may need a personality transplant, I don’t think they do those on the NHS yet. That might just have to be an accept as is or get rid situation.

The only hostages along for the ride of moodiness continues are the children.

And swearing about where to find trousers and mess in front of such young children is disgusting. Of course they will feel the negativity and how angry he is, they will most likely be frightened.

Please do think about it from the children’s perspective more often, they are the helpless first victims in all this.

I wish you very well, and the very best of luck and a happy home life… it definite sounds like you and your children deserve it.💐

What is wrong with you?!?

Some of you need to stop and walk away. You’re being really nasty. If the OP doesn’t want your advice you don’t keep on and on and on at her, getting nastier with every response. Some of you are suggesting that OP is in an abusive marriage - you think THIS is how you get the abused to leave their abusers? But having a go at them?! Of course it bloody well isnt. How can you tell the OP to leave her own thread because she has asked you to stop going on at her? If she doesn’t want your advice, maybe YOU should bugger off. You’ve said what you think (many, many times), you’re not being helpful, now you’re simply being nasty and the bunch of you are coming across really fucking badly. Your criticism is not constructive or helpful, you’re just being dicks at this point.

OP you know your husband was a dick. You need to get this behaviour sorted because it’s not okay. Has your DH considered counselling at all? He clearly has issues he needs to deal with and it’s not fair on you to live like this. When he’s calm sit him down and have a good chat about where you go from here and tell him you won’t stand for the moods anymore.

Stop victim blaming, you sound like a twat.

@ThePrincessCastleMustBurn I'm not a twat, I've also not married a test and I'm not a victim!

You’re coming across as one by continually berating the OP when she’s repeatedly asked you to stop - you’ve made your point, you’ve called her husband names and blamed her - just leave her alone now, you’re being spectacularly unhelpful, rude and the OP is not going to take your advice, so at this point your continuing to post is purely to get pleasure of being nasty.

I thank God, every day, that my daughter is growing up in a house where she won't ever witness her father swearing at her mother, she won't see one parent taking a back seat while the other bends over backwards to "do it all" for her and her brothers, she won't think it's normal to resent your spouse nor stay together for kids. Thank God she had the example of 2 parents who have each other's backs and show her what it looks like to be really loved by your spouse. I have no doubt she will grow up to pick a good partner who treats her well because this is what my childhood was like and led me to choose a great husband who looks after me before he looks after himself.

Can you say your daughter will have the same? Growing up watching the examole you've described today is toxic and has real impact on children. Like it or not, that is a fact.

@ThePrincessCastleMustBurn you're coming across as an enabler.....

But the post isn't about you or me, it's about OL here dick head husband and how the children are being subjected to it all.

But that's all fine and we shouldn't point out the very obvious ..... maybe she hasn't thought about how the children feel, after all they're only 2 and 4, so they don't know 🤔

Tell me which part of my post where I told the OP not to stand for this anymore was me being an enabler exactly?

Theres a line and some of you crossed it ages ago. At this point your constant nastiness is just derailing and not allowing the OP to get proper constructive advice. But sure, keep attacking someone who has come here to ask for advice, that’s definitely been proven to work and help people see when they’re being treated badly 🙄

@doilooklikeicare are you ok?